(you’re good! yeah this is kind of a transition between more interesting scenes so it’s a bit short on my end too)
Arquis eventually did drift off, but he awoke after just a moment with a start. It wasn’t that he’d had a nightmare. He hasn’t been asleep long enough for that. But he’d had that horrible falling sensation, the kind that left his heart pounding and lungs trembling for air. The immediate fear faded by the time his vision cleared.
With less caution than usual, he slid to the edge of the bed and went to the window. It rattled from a sudden gust of wind. He opened it and leaned out on his forearms, letting the fierce, biting cold attack his flushed face. The sting of it was oddly nice. He’d missed being outside. A cluster of snow spiraled down into his hair, and he let them stay. He was a little shocked at the thickness of the layer on the ground. Apparently, it had been snowing for most of he night. Either that or it had really picked up in the early hours.
(alright!)
It was a little while before Ari came back, and when he did, he carried a tray of warm, steaming food, which he set down on one of the tables. "Arquis, I brought food for all three of us." he said, holding a plate out to the nobleman. Rinlos was still asleep on the bed, blankets wrapped close around him.
Arquis startled, withdrawing his head from the window and slamming the shutters into place. The lock automatically clicked. He took a second to swipe the snow from his hair before joining Ari. Quite a few flakes had settled on his eyelashes, giving him an almost teary-eyed look.
“Oh. Thank you.” He avoided taking the plate by going to wake Rin. His hand was gentle on their shoulder as he gave him a soft shake. “Time to wake, my love. Ari has brought you something to eat.”
Ari watched quietly, opening the containers. Steam curled up from the contents, sending the smell of food drifting through the air. Rin stirred faintly, eyes flickering open as he looked up at Arquis. They were tired still, but did feel a little bit better. "Mmph."his gaze moved from Arquis to Ari and back again.
Arquis smiled pityingly and carded his fingers through their hair. “That was a very attractive sound, dear,” he teased lightly. It was the kind of joke he’d make if Rin was feeling better, which didn’t fully seem to be the case. He just couldn’t resist. They were so cute when sleepy.
He moved his hand to the small of their back, then placed the other on his stomach. Slowly, to avoid making them dizzy, he helped prop him up against their pillow. He then took the plate that Ari had been holding and balanced it on their lap.
“There you are,” he whispered. “You do not have to finish the whole thing, but I do hope you will be able to keep some of it down.”
Rin took the plate carefully, studying it, then looked up at Arquis. "As long as you eat something too." he said softly. "Please, darling." they ate a little bit of the food, then looked over at Ari. "Thanks for the food, Ari." their voice was soft, and still a bit drowsy, but more coherent than he had been earlier.
Arquis groaned. Not this again. He remembered crying over eating while Rin slept and went very bright red. How dramatic. Well, there was to be no more of that. He refused to do the same in front of their visitor. That meant he had two options. The first was to find an excuse. The second was to eat a little to satisfy them, then feign fullness. Both would likely lead to conflict.
He started to stand and go to the door, prepping an excuse about finding Honey, when he realized that something was off. His skin was clammy and slick with sweat; his heart rate was climbing. For some reason, his mouth felt dry. Was this part of caffeine withdrawal? That wasn’t right. He could feel the muscles trembling his legs, and his hand was shaking. He was still so tired.
“Ah,” he said softly. It wasn’t related to Rin’s sickness or caffeine. This happened when it got really bad, when he ate so little that his body began to turn on itself. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe deeply.
Rin watched him, growing worried. "Arquis?" he asked softly, reaching out to touch his shoulder. "Are you alright, darling?" he swallowed faintly, keeping an eye on him and wondering what was going on. They didn't want to force Arquis to eat, but he needed to; it was bad for him not to.
Arquis opened his eyes to look at his partner. He shook his head and instantly regretted it. The world swayed in front of him. He clasped a hand over his mouth, dropped his head between his knees, and waited. His other hand fumbled and clasped onto Rin’s, locking their fingers together.
“Sorry, sorry,” he murmured, swallowed, and gave their hand a squeeze. “Stood a little too fast, I think. Sorry.” He still felt quite nauseous, but the urgency of it was passing. Thank goodness. While he was already plenty embarrassed for making a scene in front of Ari, he wouldn’t have been able to forgive himself if he’d started dry heaving. He wasn’t even sick.
Rin kept holding onto his shoulder, brows gathering together in a faint, confused expression. "Drink some water, darling." he said. "And then eat in a little bit." they rubbed their thumb over Arquis's shoulder, still soft and gentle.
Ari was quiet, keeping an eye on the two just in case.
Arquis attempted to turn and pour himself a cup of water, but it was too much too fast. Nausea drove him back to that hunched position. He braced his hands on his knees, gripping so hard that he was worried it might bruise. After about a minute, he righted himself and collapsed into the empty space next to Rin. His eyes were wide, his brow beaded with sweat.
“Can you- water?” he croaked. It was humiliating. He felt pathetic, but he couldn’t help it. His muscles were rubbery and weak. If he tried to stand again, he knew he’d fall.
There was pride in being thin. There was no pride in this. Sweat-soaked, shaking, near faint. Unable to even fix himself a damned glass of water. He unknowingly mimicked the gesture Rin had made the other day, running his fingers over his shirt and feeling the definition of his ribs underneath. He’d promised to get better. He was failing. He hoped they wouldn’t hate him for it.
Rin nodded a little, pouring Arquis a glass of water and holding it out to him. "Here, lovely. Take this and drink, okay?" their voice was still gentle and soft and kind. He still didn't know why this was happening, but it was alright. It was fine. They would all be okay. Ari was still watching carefully, not interfering, but ready to step in if he needed to.
Arquis took the cup in both hands and started to drink. The first few sips made him cough, but he managed to finish it without getting ill. He murmured a thank-you into Rin’s side and, without looking, set the cup elsewhere. His movements were sluggish and uncoordinated.
“Sorry,” he said after about a minute. His voice was less strained, though there was something lurking in it: guilt. “That happens sometimes. It is awfully impolite. I will see to it that it does not happen again.” Two bright red spots blossomed high in his pale cheeks. “I hope I did not ruin your meal. Or disturb your appetite. I truly am sorry if I did.”
He frowned. "Arquis, it's alright. Why…why did it happen to begin with, darling?" he asked. His voice was slow and soft and a little bit hesitant. "And…can you please eat something? Just a bit?" they sounded worried and uncertain, but still sick, voice a bit rough, like he was about to cough.
Arquis loosely draped his arm around their midsection and rubbed their chest with the heel of his hand. He didn’t want to look at him. Not when he’d failed them so badly. So he kept staring at a crease in their shirt, fighting down his rising panic. Why did they have to ask that question? Couldn’t he have just believed the lie about standing too quickly? That would’ve been easier for everyone involved.
“When I neglect the needs of my body for long enough, it begins to retaliate.” That was too vague and he knew it. He started over, screwing his eyes shut as if in grief. “I am experiencing symptoms related to a massive calorie deficit. In simpler terms, I believe I am starving.”
He didn’t think of it like that often, but it was true. He was starving. His body was deprived of nutrients. He’d lost more weight than someone his size could afford to lose.
People died from starvation. This thought, new and dangerous, made him flinch. He was far from it being that bad, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t get there.
Rin inhaled softly, staring at Arquis. "Arquis…" he bit his lip faintly. "Well. I…you need to eat, then." he didn't know how to fix this. It had been bad before but this was worse. This was far, far worse, and it terrified them. What if Arquis was dying? What if he was going to deteriorate faster than Rin could fix? If he died…their breath trembled for a moment, and they covered their eyes with their hand for just a moment. "Please, darling. I can't…"
Arquis could feel the moment they started to panic because of the change in their pulse. His hand was directly over their heart. It was still his favorite spot, but he’d unfortunately have to abandon it to calm them down. He removed his glove to cup their cheek, hoping the direct contact would soothe him.
“Oh, Rin, it is not as bad as it sounds,” he protested, then winced. That was not what he’d meant to say. “I am not… I am not wasting away, love. Please, it pains me to see you so upset, I…” None of that felt right leaving his mouth. He pulled a face and dragged his knuckles across his eyes. “I am not the one that is sick. We should focus on getting you better.”
The fact that Ari was observing everything was making him anxious. So much for trying to prove his worth as a partner. He’d probably think Arquis was ridiculous, probably even self-absorbed. To be stealing attention from Rin was selfish indeed. They were still very ill. They needed rest, not more stress.
"You are sick." Rin said softly. "This is a sickness, Arquis, and just because you won't admit it doesn't mean that it isn't one." he reached up to rest his hand on Arquis's, holding onto him. "Please, darling. You haven't been eating well ever since I met you and I know it's been going on far longer than that. You've wasted away, and that's not…please, darling, this…"
Ari quietly excused himself, murmuring something about "coming back later", and left the room.
Arquis made a tiny, wounded sound. Everything was going wrong. He’d messed up. Again. Ari had left because of his melodramatics, and Rin was so distraught that he could hardly look at them. But he did. He kept his palm pressed to their skin, rubbing his thumb against their wrist.
There are a thousand things he knows that he should say. That he made a mistake, that he’d really just been tired. That he’d actually eaten recently and just wasn’t feeling well. That there was nothing wrong with him that needed immediate fixing. That he was fine. He was fine. He’d eaten something the day before, he knew. He’d cried over it. Which was fine. People did that sometimes, didn’t they? It didn’t mean he was sick, just that he’d been overwhelmed. The texture! He hadn’t liked the texture, and the flavor had thrown him off. And the smell of it! No wonder he’d gotten distressed. There were so many logical reasons as to it’d upset him.
What he actually said was, “I tried. I really did. You have to believe me, love. I am not doing it on purpose. Please believe me. It is just so hard, and it is so easy not to, and it feels so good to go without. It feels so good. And I can tell when I eat, and I hate the way it feels, and please, please do not make me. Please?”
"I know." he whispered, trying to get a handle on his voice so he wouldn't upset Arquis any further. "I know that…that it's something you do because you can control it, and because you don't want to be big, but…but darling, please you have to see that this isn't healthy." he reached out to pull Arquis close, holding onto him. "And…and I don't want to lose you to this. You're already too thin, darling. Arquis. I shouldn't be able to see and feel your ribs, Arquis."
Arquis shuddered and tucked his face into the slope of their shoulder. This was pathetic. He wanted to sob, but he didn’t dare give himself the satisfaction. Rin granted him too much mercy already. He would be cruel to himself in their stead.
“I know it is bad, but I need it. I need it, love. I cannot stand the person I am when I am full. I cannot bear the way that I look.” He couldn’t bear it even when he was underweight, either. If he kept going, then maybe someday he could. Maybe someday he’d look in the mirror and finally see someone thin enough. Maybe at that point he would even give himself a compliment. He wasn’t sure that day would ever come. No matter how hard he’d worked, how much he’d restricted, he couldn’t quite seem to get there.
“Please do not be mad,” he whimpered into their neck. “I know I broke our agreement. I just could not manage it.”
"I'm not mad, love." he whispered, holding Arquis close. "I'm just…I'm just disappointed, and worried." he kissed the side of Arquis's head. "And I want you to know that no matter what you look like, I will care for you the same, but I cannot sit and watch as you destroy yourself." they coughed softly, turning their head to the side so that they wouldn't cough all over their lover. "Please."
Disappointed. Arquis always knew he’d disappoint them somehow, but hearing the word aloud felt like a burning coal had been dropped into his stomach. All of the air left him in a short, strangled exhale. He felt like screaming. It was so unfair. Rin didn’t have to try to be attractive. They were naturally gorgeous. He would’ve given it all to look even a fraction as handsome as them. He traced one of their hipbones with a finger and battled down a surge of envy. How dare he be jealous? Gratitude was the emotion he should’ve been feeling. To be given so many chances was a kindness he didn’t deserve.
“I do not know if I can do it,” he admitted, sounding defeated. “It feels awful, Rin. Every single time. It feels as if my throat is closing, and I cannot stop thinking about- about what it will do, about where those calories will go. I- I do not- I cannot help it. I want to be better, and I know I should, but it is so, so hard.”
Rin held onto Arquis, shaking their head faintly. "Darling…darling, your body uses those calories for energy. It uses them to keep you moving, and healthy. And, yes, it stores extra calories, but you need those. Arquis, love, you're so thin I can feel your bones." he kissed the side of Arquis's head. "You're so light that it worries me. You're over six feet tall, darling. I should not be able to carry you as easily as I could."
Guilty joy bubbled in his chest, and he had to stop himself from smiling. They really did think that he was thin. All his life, he’d worked for that, the sensation that would come when someone else called him light. The admiration in their face, possibly even a touch of envy. But Rin was not jealous. They were worried. It stung. He’d worked so hard for this—why were they so insistent on taking it away? Rationally, he knew the reason, but he didn’t want to believe it. Doing so would mean all the years he’d spent training—starting with picking at dinner, hiding food in napkins, and then, eventually, swapping meals with coffee and forgoing eating entirely—were not spent fixing his body. They were spent punishing it. And he just couldn’t accept that, no matter how many times he admitted shallowly that it was bad.
“I have worked so hard for it,” he choked out, the truth spilling from his lips in a mimicry of his previous thoughts. “I know I am not- I am not attractive, but if- if-” He stopped. He wouldn’t cry. “I just wanted to be liked.” Not loved. Sure, he’d wanted to be loved, too, but for a long time that hadn’t been plausible. To even be tolerated would have been good enough. “I was not when I was heavy, so I thought- it was the one thing I could control. And now I cannot stop.”
"I know, love." he whispered, heart aching at Arquis's admittance. "I know you wanted people to like you, and I know you could control it. But, lovely, you are attractive, and you will be attractive still when you gain weight back again." they didn't say "if". They didn't want to say "if", not when saying "if" would only let Arquis think that this wasn't something that needed to happen. "And I care deeply for you, darling. Your sisters care about you. There are people who like you and people who love you, even if your mother does not." he knew this must be where it was stemming from, that Muria must have something to do with this in some way. "And there are ways to be healthy that don't involve starving yourself, and neither do you have to be heavy. There is a middle ground, you just have to be willing to find it, and darling, this is not the middle ground. This is…this is starving yourself, and it's not healthy."
When they said that he cared about him, Arquis let out a tiny, wounded noise. He didn’t cry—he still wouldn’t allow himself that—but it got rather close.
“I do not feel attractive,” he admitted tearfully. His breath hitched painfully. Without meaning to, his hand crept to his stomach and squeezed the skin there. He pictured stretch marks streaking the flesh of his thighs, his hips growing thick and soft. The images made him feel frantic. He couldn’t go back to that, no matter how sweetly Rin spoke.
“I thought I would. I thought it would be better when I lost all the weight. And since it was not better, I thought that meant that-” His voice broke. Several ragged gasps came tearing from his mouth, but he still didn’t cry. “I thought that meant that I had not lost enough. That I had not tried hard enough. That I should keep going. And I want to keep going, I want to so badly. I can still feel it, here,” he grasped his calf, “and here,” he clawed at his stomach again, his least favorite part of himself, “and here,” he pinched the underside of one arm.
“I want to be healthy, I promise, but I just- I just cannot stop thinking about it. Every meal, every snack. Even when I drink. I cannot escape it. I do not know how to overcome it. I am not sure that I can.”
Rin took a breath, reaching out and gently pressing his palm to Arquis's stomach. "That's not fat, my darling." he said softly. "That softness you're feeling is normal. It's your stomach, love. Your internal organs." his touch was gentle, and he didn't pull away. "Your organs will always be there, and they're soft. That's just how your body works. It needs those organs to survive, and those organs need food to survive." they kissed Arquis's cheek. "I know this is going to be so hard for you, Arquis, and that's okay. I'm here, and I'm going to help you through all of this." he didn't quite know how best to address this; what they could do that would help Arquis.
“Well, I wish my organs were smaller,” Arquis gritted out, but most of the fight in him had dissolved at that simple touch.
He wasn’t sure how to feel. Rin wasn’t disgusted by his stomach, at least not visibly. But he should’ve been, his mind argued, because it was repulsive. It had been the first part of him that anyone had ever commented on. Muria made many negative remarks about his poor physique as he aged, but his father had been the very first to point it out. They’d been at lunch, and he remembered Aurisi’s firm hand landing on his shoulder. He’d scolded him for needing some clothes resized. Then, as if to teach him a lesson, he’d taken away his new shirts and made him wear the old ones. They hadn’t fit. Arquis had refused to come out of his room, too embarrassed that his friends might see him in such a state, and had missed several meals in a row. That was his earliest memory of going without; he supposed it had started earlier than he’d previously thought.
Arquis realized with a pang that he’d been rambling for a few minutes. He wasn’t sure how much of that memory he’d shared. His mouth snapped shut. He hooked his arm around their midsection again and nuzzled into his shoulder.
“I am going to try to be better. But if I mess up again- I might. I might mess up again.”
Rin let Arquis talk, heart aching for how terrible the nobleman's parents had been to him. "Darling, it's alright. It's alright if you mess up again. I am not expecting you to be perfect, or to always make perfect progress. I am only asking for you to try, and to do your best." he cupped Arquis's cheek with his hand. "That is all I am asking for from you. I do not need you to be perfect. Only to try. It's okay if you mess up, but please tell me when you do. I am not going to be angry at you for missing a meal, darling, and I would never punish you for it."
