Arquis stilled. He took their hand in his own again and settled it over his own heart, which felt, for reasons unknown, as if it was shattering into a million pieces. His eyes were damp. He tried to hide them behind his sleeve, then remembered that he didn’t have a sleeve. His forearm would have to do.
“Are you mad at me?” he finally asked, voice trembling faintly. The unsteady, nervous rhythm of his pulse was distressing. “I did not mean to be a bother. I just- I thought-”
He didn’t know what he’d been thinking. Did he think that Rin would automatically fall in love with his body? Why had he decided to take the shirt off in the first place? Everything would have been better if he’d just kept quiet.
"No, darling, I am not mad at you, and you are not a bother." he said quickly, reaching out to hold Arquis. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." that was true; they had not meant to upset him. "I was just…I've been worried about how little you eat, and…" he trailed off, shaking their head faintly and pressing a kiss to Arquis's brow.
“But I do eat,” he protested, though it was halfhearted. Rin knew that he struggled with it. They’d had that discussion over a meal already.
His hands shook as he pulled Rin even closer, draping his leg over their hip. He began to wonder if he actually liked the proximity. Arquis knew somewhere deep down that his partner was truly just concerned, but his spiraling thoughts told him otherwise. Rin loathed the way he looked; they thought he was repulsive; he only touched him because they felt forced. The thoughts went on and on and on, and he looped back to his previous way of thinking. They thought he was too big, too much, too heavy. He’d end up crushing them.
But Rin had said thin. Multiple times. Arquis set his hand on his own rib cage and took a breath. Then another. He cautiously placed that same hand back on Rin’s chest, mimicking what they’d done minutes before.
“Oh.” And that was it. Just soft and sad, a tiny little exhale of a word, like he’d had the air punched out of him. It took him another minute before he could speak. “It… it really is bad.”
"You hardly eat anything." they whispered, holding Arquis gently, and just watching him as he mimicked the earlier actions. Watched as realization dawned in Arquis's eyes. "It is, love." they kissed Arquis's cheek softly, rubbing his back gently. They did not say anything else; they would help Arquis all they could, but change had to come from the nobleman himself. All Rin could truly do was support and care for him, no matter what.
Arquis didn’t say anything for a long while. His hand kept rubbing slow, repetitive circles into his own skin. Feeling his own ribs. Hoping that he’d been mistaken, that there was nothing wrong with him after all, but knowing that it was the truth. What he was touching was real. Even if his eyes betrayed him, even if his mind spat bitter, terrible insults, his hand wasn’t lying.
“Oh,” he said again. His jaw was tight. He finally let his fingers skim down to his hips, which he’d pinched, disgusted, just moments prior. He gave them another squeeze. Once again, he could feel bone. There was hardly any muscle or fat there; most of it was taut skin. It wasn’t as if he was a skeleton, but he had let it go too far.
It felt as if his entire world had suddenly shifted ninety degrees. Everything he’d known to be right was wrong and vice versa. Suddenly, all of the excuses of the past week or so flooded his mind, and it dizzied him like a rush of blood to the head. He’d lied about having breakfast. On the day he’d fallen ill in the snow, he’d avoided eating entirely. And then there was every time someone offered him a meal, and he would smile and take a sparse portion, feigning fullness from another time. He’d all thought it was fine. Just trimming down. Just keeping an eye on his figure. Just maintaining his look; the head of such a strong household had to have a certain look.
He realized he was speaking without thinking. It was just a stream of apologies, one after the other. He didn’t know what he was apologizing for, but they wouldn’t stop.
“Oh, Rin, love, I am sorry. I am so sorry, love, I am so, so sorry.”
"Shh, hey, it's okay." he whispered, holding Arquis so, so gently. "It's okay, my darling." they kissed his forehead again. It was painful to see the nobleman so upset. "You're going to be fine. It's okay, I promise. It's okay. We'll work on this. Everything is going to be fine." they knew it would be. They didn't mind reminding Arquis to eat, if that was what they ended up needing to do.
The apologies trailed off, but Arquis was still making small, pained sounds, like he’d been wounded. And in a sense, he had. What scraps were left of his pride had been eviscerated; his heart ached.
Why had nobody ever said anything? Had they not seen him withering? Muria, he understood, and Quirisa as well. They hadn’t been on good terms, up until recently. But why not Marsiquia? He knew as soon as he thought it that the question was unfair. She was a child. It wasn’t her responsibility to look after her adult brother. And he did remember, in some corner of his mind, some degree of concern on her face whenever she’d needed a hug. Perhaps that was why she’d always requested that they get hot chocolate after she’d had a nightmare. Or perhaps she really, truly just liked hot chocolate.
Thinking of her calmed him down a little. He began to pull himself together. No tears had been shed, but he wiped his face anyways, then gave Rin a kiss.
“I am alright. Truly. This is nothing. I can recover from it. I can.” Saying it was one thing. Doing it was another. He pictured eating breakfast the next day before finding Lovey and immediately shoved the thought away. He hadn’t had three full, well-proportioned meals in a single day for a long time.
"Yes. You can recover from it, and I will do my best to help you do so." he said softly. "And we're just going to start with two full meals a day, darling. I know three would be hard for you, so we'll start with two and a light snack at mealtime, and eventually move that snack into a third meal." they hoped that this would help. That this would work. Maybe Arquis could eat breakfasts and dinners, and a light snack at lunchtime, just to get his body used to eating something at those times.
(just want you to know I was listening to something as I typed and I accidentally typed "breakfasts and children" soooo that's how my Monday is going lmaoo)
(pffff not the children lol)
Arquis felt pathetic. Was he truly in such a bad state that two meals seemed like a challenge? He’d had one that day, and already he could feel himself burning with a desire to go out walking. His father’s words clawed their way to the front of his thoughts: nobody could ever love him if he kept gaining weight. But Rin did care for him, and Aurisi generally had not. Or at least, his brand of love wasn’t the kind that Arquis had needed.
He could do this. He had to do this. The only other option was failure. Of course, failure had never seemed so appetizing—or unappetizing, he supposed—before.
“Alright,” he whispered, resting his head on their shoulder. “But that will start tomorrow, and it is currently tonight. And I… I think I just really need to be held more tightly right now.” His voice hitched up like a question at the end. “And to be told that I look nice, even though I do not.”
(lol)
Rin complied, squeezing Arquis gently. At the man's final sentence, they sighed softly. "Darling, did I ever say you did not look nice?" they asked, voice still light and soft and gentle. "I don't believe I ever said that. Yes, you are worryingly thin, and I would like to help you change that. But you are still lovely, darling." he kissed Arquis's cheek softly, smiling a little bit.
(sorry if this has all been kinda gloomy btw, I know it’s a pretty serious topic)
That nearly broke him. Even though it was what he’d been wanting to hear, he hadn’t actually expected them to say it, and definitely not so genuinely. He’d been waiting for a half-baked lie through gritted teeth, or a quick, forced compliment, or even an outright refusal. To be told for once in his life outright that he was not some hideous, unlovable thing hurt in the best possible way.
In a voice muffled by Rin’s shirt sleeve, he mumbled, “Thank you. I needed that. I really needed that.” And then, after a beat passed, he swallowed. Lifted his head. Poked at his own stomach and one of his thighs, hard, as if expecting his fingertip to sink into soft, plump skin. “And, um… will you still say that? If I am not… if I… when I begin to eat more? If I,” his volume dropped, like he was sharing a secret, “get heavier?”
(it's alright!)
He reached to take the hand that Arquis had poked at himself with, lacing their fingers together and pressing kisses to the nobleman's knuckles. "Darling, I will still say that when you eat more, and when you gain weight again." it wasn't an if. When Arquis ate more, then he would gain weight. It was inevitable. And Rin would still find him lovely, when that happened.
Arquis felt like crying again, but he didn’t. Instead, he stole a quick kiss from Rin, then took their entwined hands and rested them on their stomach. Their lovely stomach. He subconsciously reached to pinch his own once more, but their hand rendered his immobile.
“Did you know,” he murmured, “that you are the only person to have ever told me that? You are the only one who has ever acted as if gain- gaining-” He couldn’t even say it. With a sigh, he continued. “You are the only one who has ever said that getting heavier can be healthy. As if it is not something to be feared. I have never not feared it, my love. Every meal I partake in, every sweet I indulge in, it is always there in the back of my mind. Warning me. Threatening me. It tells me to do horrible things to myself, and I almost always do them.”
This time, he actually lifted both of their hands, bringing them to one of the old scars on his stomach. He didn’t explain. Just held their hands there.
“I do not want to be that person anymore. But you must understand, Rin, that it is hard for me to accept that you would want me as anyone else. That you would want me if I was… well.”
He listened quietly, nodding slightly. He didn't ask if the scars were self-inflicted. IfArquis wanted to tell him, they would listen, but otherwise, they were not going to pry. "I understand, darling. But I promise you, I will want you no matter your weight. I want you to be healthy, not starving yourself, and if being healthy means you gain weight, then I do not care."
Arquis smiled sadly. “I want to believe you, I really do. Perhaps someday I will.”
That was all he could say on that topic for the night. Any more talk of his body and he felt he might fall apart. He gently untangled their hands, then reached down to pick up his shirt. Without a word, he slipped it on, covering his torso with the loose layer of cloth. While he wished he had the confidence to keep it off all night, he knew that he needed it on. He’d feel less insecure knowing that they couldn’t see or judge him—not that he would—all night.
When he was finished, he shifted so that he was turned towards his partner. He opened his arms and smiled warmly.
“Come here?” he asked hopefully, praying that he hadn’t made everything weird. He was fighting back the idea that they’d find his body odd now; that Rin would grimace or be disturbed by his slender arms, his defined collarbones. What they had said really did help, but his demons wouldn’t be slayed so easily.
Rin nodded a little bit, and moved into Arquis's arms, giving him a faint little smile. "Here we are, darling." he said softly, wrapping his arms around Arquis and snuggling close to him. "Everything is going to be fine." he kissed Arquis's cheek.
Arquis hummed softly in agreement and kissed the top of their head. He slipped his legs back around Rin’s before moving so that he was beneath them. And then, with a content sigh, he started to shower his partner’s face in kisses. He kissed along his cheeks and across the bridge of their nose, then dipped finally to his mouth.
His hands moved from around his back to their hips, and he pulled them even closer. He could feel his heart racing again, though this time it wasn’t from fear or frustration. Rin just had that effect. Every time they were around, he felt flustered; tongue-tied; eager and unprepared. Part of it was his body, which Arquis found beautiful, but most of it was just them. Their head and their heart.
Rin smiled, moving easily as Arquis shifted them around, and returning Arquis's soft kisses as best that they could. His own heart was racing, too, just a little bit, and they leaned closer to Arquis, just breathing.
Arquis nipped at their bottom lip with a laugh before slipping one of his hands onto the small of their back. He did it slowly, giving them the chance to tell him off if necessary. Smiling, he lightly tapped his fingers up his spine as if playing a piano, then began to stroke downwards in curly swirls like he was finger painting. That gave him an idea.
“Mm, love?” He broke away from Rin’s lips after one last peck. “I have drawn you, but someday, ah… could I paint on you? It is a popular artistic practice in this area. They call it living art, and there are some nice studios, though, um, most are rather underground. And a touch risqué.”
Rin shivered faintly at the motions of Arquis's hands, looking at him with a faint, slightly lazy smile. "Ah, darling…of course you may." they replied slowly, leaning in for another soft, quick kiss. "If that's what you would like to do, I think that could turn out wonderfully."
“Hopefully it will be a pleasant experience for you as well. Most of the models for the practice seem to adore the process. There is something, they say, about having cold paint applied to their warm skin,” he mimicked a brush, delicately painting imaginary patterns from his shoulder blades on downwards, “that is apparently lovely. And, of course, the intimacy of it, the contact. Having someone that close to you, treating you as a canvas. That is why many call it lovers’ art instead of living art.”
Arquis flushed. He’d been going for just a bit too long about art. They had to be bored. He applied just the slightest bit of pressure to his repetitive motions, transforming them into something similar to a massage.
Rin nodded slightly, kissing the tip of Arquis's nose as the nobleman talked. "It sounds lovely, darling, and we can certainly do it sometime." he replied, smiling and leaning into the hand on his shoulderblade, enjoying that soft, gentle touch that Arquis was giving them.
“Mm. Someday, my dear.” Arquis laughed and kissed them back. Then, he yawned, shifting under him until his legs were hitched up around their hips again. His eyes sparked with something teasing and fond, and he nuzzled against the blotchy marks on their neck.
“Is it alright if I sleep like this?” he murmured, brushing one of his heels against Rin’s calves. “It seems I am still rather tired. Unless you had something else in mind?”
Rin made a soft sound when Arquis nuzzled the marks, and nodded. "Of course you can, my dear, though I'm going to shift us a little so that I can lay down." soon after he finished speaking, he did just that, laying down on his side with his arms wrapped around Arquis, holding him close.
(do you wanna do a time skip to morning after this/your message?)
Arquis fell asleep quickly. He dreamt once more, though this dream wasn’t of suffocation and a hostile presence. It was a dream of eating, and in some ways it was worse. He dreamt he was at a feast with his sisters, though they were young children and he was still an adult. They didn’t speak to him, just ate their portions in silence. Every time he looked at their plates, their food shifted. Quirisa was eating meat with some kind of sauce, then a vegetable-rice medley, then some kind of bread. Marsiquia was having fish, then noodles and stew.
Muria and his father stared at Arquis as he reached for a small bowl of berries. As soon as he’d finish one berry, another would appear. He knew somehow if he didn’t eat the berries that he would face punishment. And so he kept eating. No matter how many he ate, however, he was still starving. At some point, he started crying, but he didn’t stop. His sisters had already finished. They joined their parents in the staring. It was as if he was a spectacle.
He didn’t sleep well, even after that dream switched to another.
(sure!)
Rin fell asleep rather quickly as well, arms still wrapped around Arquis as he held the nobleman close. They just stayed snuggled close to their partner, holding him as the night wore on. They slept sound, without any real dreams. None out of the ordinary, in any case.
[Day Eight]
When Arquis woke, he was surprised to find that he was shivering. He instinctively reached out to see if he could turn on a lamp or even the lights, but he had no such luck. It seemed the inn was having some sort of power issue. Unfortunately, that meant there was no heating, either. He sluggishly shook Rin’s shoulder.
“Love,” he rasped in that deep, morning-voice way, “love, I apologize, but I must wake you. There is a slight issue.”
He blinked into the darkness while waiting for his partner, trying to make sense of his surroundings. From the sound of it, the hail had stopped, though small changes in the pale blue light seeping through the cracks in the window told him that it was likely snowing.
Rin let out a faint hum, snuggling closer to Arquis as he slowly awoke. "Mm? What is it?" they asked ina soft, sleep-roughened voice. "What's wrong?" they rubbed their eyes, not quite cluing in to what was going on.
“The heating has gone out, I believe. We will need to put on more layers to keep warm.” Arquis swaddled Rin tightly in the blankets, making sure to completely cover his bare chest. He gave them a kiss on the cheek before rolling out of the bed. The second his feet hit the freezing ground, he knew he’d made a mistake. It was much too cold for the outfit he had on. He hurried over to his bags, collecting his partner’s as well, and brought them all over.
“Has it been like this all night?” he wondered aloud. That tight feeling in his chest was back, though only slightly. Shame the bath hadn’t helped keep it away.
Out of nowhere came a few quick, almost musical knocks on the door. Through the wood, a familiar voice chirped, “Delivery! Open up!”
“Good morning, Lovey,” Arquis replied as he hurried to the door. And sure enough, there she was, bundled in a long-sleeved, faux fur lined dress. Over it was a comfy looking coat that paired well with her blonde curls.
“Aw, hi!” She pinched his cheek and waved eagerly at Rin, hopping from foot to foot “Good morning! I’m sorry about this whole mess. We’ve got some people working on the heating, but the lighting might not be back until tomorrow. In the meantime, I’m bringing everyone extra blankets, fluffy socks, and some hot tea.”
Rin sat up, holdign the blankets close around their body as they looked over at Lovey. "Hello, Lovey. Did, ah, do you know if your brother got our message?" they looked vaguely anxious; Arquis would understand that, yes, but they din't think Lovey would. That was probably a good thing.
