Rin did his best to do as Arquis had instructed, breathing in through his nose and then out through his mouth, though every now and again his breathing would hitch or stutter. "Sorry." he whispered again. "I did not mean…" his eyes were still closed, their arms wrapped around his body.
“You have done nothing wrong, Rin. Just keep trying to breathe. In and out, just like that.”
Arquis had unfortunately had quite a bit of experience with panic attacks. He’d had plenty of his own, but Marsiquia occasionally had some as well. Hers usually came after nightmares. He wouldn’t say that he was good at handling them, but he at least had some knowledge of what to avoid.
“When you are feeling a bit better, my dear, tell me if there is anything you need.”
Rin shook their head faintly, but kept just breathing. It took them a few minutes before they were calm enough to talk again. "Sorry." He breathed. "I don't…I don't need anything, I just…I can't do the drugs. The…the sleeping stuff. I can't do it. I'm sorry." He pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead, still trying to just breathe.
Arquis bit his bottom lip, alarmed. Internally, he was still kicking himself. He really hadn’t meant to imply anything by the suggestion; all he’d wanted was to offer them a way to rest well. There were teas meant to induce drowsiness and herbs that were rumored to prevent nightmares when swallowed in small doses. He’d never heard of them being used for anything vile. But then again, it was more likely the general idea of a change-inducing supplement that had upset them, not the specific type.
“That is alright. I am not going to make you take them if you do not want to, Rin.” He looked over at him. At the very least, they seemed to be breathing a bit easier. Good. “There is no need to apologize. You have not offended or upset me, I promise.”
He took another deep breath. In the nose, out the mouth. In the nose, out the mouth. In, out. In, out. The repetitiveness gave him something to focus on, which he had needed. "Sorry." He breathed again. "Maybe I should just, ah, go to sleep. Lay down. It's…I'm…" He hated that he kept spiraling like this, hated that it seemed tonight he had such a hair-trigger that every other word sent him spiraling again.
“You do not have to go to sleep unless you want to,” Arquis responded gently.
He wondered if they’d be alright with him next to them in bed while they slept. His presence—mostly his words—seemed to be upsetting him. It was unintentional, of course, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was doing more harm than good. He would do whatever he needed him to in order to make them feel better.
“Perhaps it would be best if I rest on the floor tonight? It would be no trouble at all.”
"No, no, it's fine. It's not…I would rather have you with me." He replied quickly. "Please. If…if you want to be, I know that I'm not really…that it's not…" They shook their head quickly. "I'm sorry. I'll be fine in the morning, I really will be, I promise. I don't know…I don't know why I'm like this right now." He swallowed faintly, tearing a hand through his hair.
“Alright. Alright, love.” Arquis lifted their hand from their hair and knitted it with his. His grip was loose.
“For the past week, you have been put through exhausting situation after exhausting situation. You have likely been both physically and mentally drained for quite some time. I imagine that your stress might just now be overwhelming you because you are in a safe environment.”
What he didn’t mention was that such a reaction was—at least according to memory—a sign of surviving trauma. One kept themselves together until the stressor was gone, then broke down in private. Or near private, in this case.
“You do not have to be fine in the morning, my dear. This is a safe space where you can recover. Let yourself process whatever you need to process.”
Rin kept trying to breathe, eyes flickering shut. "I'm sorry." He said again. "I…" Having their hand in Rin's did help to ground him, he just knew that it might take a while for them to be grounded enough to sleep, or be okay. It really was true; anytime he got like this, they were usually fine in the morning after a night of sleep. It was just that right now they were drowning and overwhelmed by their own mind and memories.
“Do not apologize anymore, love. It is alright. You will be alright. Nobody is upset with you. Nobody is going to hurt you here. You are safe.” He kept up the mantra of soothing words for quite some time. Their eyes were closed, he knew, but he smiled at him anyways and gently rubbed his thumb against the back of their hand while he spoke.
In the morning, if Rin truly was feeling better, then he would have to have a talk with them. There was too much about him that he didn’t know. He wouldn’t push for a full backstory, but if there were more triggering details like the problem with the sleeping aids then he needed to know about them.
They listened, breathing evening and deepening out, and he pressed closer to Arquis, still bundled in the blanket. He didn't speak, just kept breathing and listening to Arquis, letting the nobleman soothe them. To be honest, he was pretty tired anyways, so it was likely he would eventually fall asleep, especially if this kept up.
Arquis eventually let his words taper off, though he continued to hum in a hushed way and caress their hand. He hoped that they would fall asleep, as he seemed rather tired, but was worried that they might have nightmares. There was only so much stress that they could physically handle, and if it seeped into his dreams then he was afraid they might not get the rest they’d need.
In his head, Arquis decided that he’d try to stay up for as long as he could. If they needed him, he wanted to be ready. He’d pulled a lot of all nighters in the past; this would surely be no different.
Rin eventually fell asleep, still pressed close to Arquis. It was pretty obvious that they had fallen asleep, their body relaxing and softening as they fell asleep, breathing deep and soft and even. The blanket tucked around him was soft and warm.
(wait question is Rin gonna have a nightmare or nah cause that’ll change what I’m gonna write a bit I think)
(mm haven't quite made up my mind, what do you think?)
(well they’ve got a lot of time at the inn and he’s probably pretty tired so maybe not this night but another night?? cause I kinda wanna have Arquis sneak out of the room to get him breakfast in bed but he wouldn’t do that if they were having a nightmare if that makes sense?)
(yeah that works!)
[Day Seven]
It was around eight in the morning when Arquis finally decided that it would be alright to leave Rin’s side. By some force of luck, they had slept through the night, and it didn’t seem as if they’d be having a nightmare anytime soon. Arquis snuck out of their bed, affectionately adjusted the blankets around him, and crept over to the desk. He took a room key, then wrote out a message for them in case he awoke that told them where he’d gone. He didn’t want them to think that he’d abandoned them after the night they’d had.
The Cecilia Rouge was mostly quiet at that time of day. He put one of the masks from the welcome basket on anyways, feeling less comfortable on his own, and tried to retrace his steps to the front desk. He passed a room whose inhabitants were making a lot of interesting sounds. That made him walk even faster, his cheeks burning. Why in the world had his father brought him there as a child?
Lovey was not at the front. In her place was a slightly older woman with extremely dark, curly hair. She was wearing lipstick the color of red wine, a mask that was covered in sparkly, snow-like glitter, and a slip of a dress with a white feather boa. When he approached, she waved happily.
“Hello! My name is Divinity. What can I do for you, doll?”
“Could I ask you to point me in the direction of the dining hall?”
“Of course! It’ll be down that hall and to the left.”
“My thanks,” he replied, heading that way.
There were quite a few people already in the dining hall. Arquis didn’t feel like socializing, so he took one of the prepackaged baskets of food and two thermoses of coffee to bring to the room. A man in black leather teasingly whistled at him; Arquis didn’t look his way.
Once back in the room, Arquis set the food and drinks on the desk. He settled into bed next to Rin. The whole room smelled of that soap they’d used the night before. He smiled and gave them a gentle nudge.
“Good morning, my dear.”
Rin was asleep the whole time Arquis was gone, curled on the bed with the blankets piled around them. He had stayed curled up with Arquis all night, quite happy to do so,l. In fact, he had not seemed happy to let go of him earlier, though they had of course eventually relinquished their hold on him. When they were nudged, his eyes blinked open, looking up at Arquis hazily. "Morning." He whispered, voice low and rough from sleeping. He shifted in the bed, pushing himself up into a sitting position, and rubbed his eyes. They still felt a little out of sorts, but much, much better than they had last night.
Arquis had to hold back a dreamy sigh. Their morning voice was always a treat. He stood and brought over the food, carefully balancing the coffees in one hand.
“I did not know if you would be hungry, but I thought it was possible. We have not had much to eat recently.”
He lifted the lid of the basket and was a bit surprised at how much food was inside. There were mini apple pancakes, a container holding fluffy scrambled eggs, and thick wedges of buttered toast, all of which were surrounded by pieces of fruit. He sat down and passed him his coffee first, then set the basket on their legs.
“How are you feeling?” he asked softly. “You seem to have slept alright.”
Arquis omitted the part about staying up all night to watch over them. He wouldn’t lie if asked, but he was worried it’d take the attention away from them. And at that moment, he just wanted to make sure they were doing well.
Rin took a deep breath. "Much better. Thank you." He said softly, looking a re basket. "And thank you for breakfast, too." He scooted over, patting the bed with one of their hands. "Now come here. Please. I would like to sit with you again, if that is alright with you?" He gave Arquis a soft smile, their voice still husky and low. They still looked a little bit drowsy, eyes only half open and smile faintly crooked and tired.
Arquis went pink in the face but nodded vigorously. He shifted closer and tugged their blanket over his legs as well, then gave him a once over. The once over quickly turned into a twice over. He couldn’t help it. Something about the way he looked made him all warm inside. He had never fancied someone quite so much.
As much as he wanted to, however, he knew he shouldn’t stare at them for too long. There was coffee to drink. He popped the lid from his thermos and took a swig. Surprisingly, it had a rich, sweet taste. He licked some of the foam off his lip and drank a bit more, then finally set it aside.
“We do not have to talk about it now, but… but eventually we should talk about what happened last night,” he said. He made sure to keep his posture relaxed and his words gentle. The last thing he wanted was for them to assume he was mad.
Rin took their own thermos, taking a small sip from it. At Arquis's words, their gaze flickered away. "I know." He said quietly. "I'm really sorry for just… falling apart on you like that, I…I don't know why that happened." They looked over at Arquis for a moment, then down at the basket of food. "I think I just…I got too stuck in my head and I couldn't get out again. And then things kept…reminding me and sending me back down again. And it's not your fault, none of it, I promise." He was a bit worried that Arquis would try to take responsibility for everything that had happened, and he really didn't want that to happen.
“Do you remember what I said yesterday?” Arquis asked gently. He very lightly brushed a strand of hair from their face and stroked his thumb over his cheek. “You do not have to apologize for feeling overwhelmed. What happened last night was not your fault. You have gone through a great deal of trauma, and it is completely reasonable to have lasting side effects from such troubling circumstances.”
He adjusted, crossing one leg over the other, and settled against one of the pillows on the bed. It was a similar position to the one he’d kept all night. He smiled at them and reached for his coffee again.
They nodded faintly. "I know, I know, but I am still sorry that it happened." they said softly, leaning into the touch to his cheek. "I…I just melted down, and I am sorry for that, especially as I was so…out of it, I guess. Emotional and unreachable." at least, he felt like they had been unreachable, like Arquis must have had a hard time calming them down.
“Rin,” Arquis murmured, hurting for them, “you could not have controlled it, nor should you have tried to. Bottling up or otherwise hiding your emotions would only have harmed you more in the future.”
He finished the rest of his coffee. That last bit had burned as it had gone down. He hadn’t exactly waited for it to cool, but, well, at least he had caffeine in his system.
“I was certainly worried about you, love, but that does not mean you were a burden. And you still are not now. I am here for you through the good and the bad.”
He looked over at Rin, studying them quietly. "I know that, I do, I just…I am still sorry that I was like that." he frowned faintly. "I think it was just…I got stuck in my memories and I got overwhelmed, like I already said, and…and I know that it is not my fault, but I still feel guilty for burdening you with having to deal with me."
Arquis shook his head. “I promise that I did not mind caring for you, my dear. I would never consider it a burden or something to merely deal with. It is an honor to even be here with you; I am incredibly grateful for it.”
While he wanted to continue the conversation—to hammer it into their mind that he thoroughly enjoyed his presence, no matter their mood—the food was going to get cold. He tapped the edge of the basket with a knuckle to direct their attention towards it.
“Perhaps we could talk more about it later, but I do think it might help for you to eat a bit. Nerves tend to worsen when one is deprived of energy.”
Rin hesitated for a moment, then nodded, pulling out some food for themself to eat. "Alright." he said, shifting to sit cross-legged and take a small sip of his coffee. "Thank you, Arquis." he offered up a tiny, faint little smile to the nobleman, then went back to eating his food.
Arquis smiled, leaned forward, and took a single piece of peeled fruit from the basket. The taste of it was slightly sour. He wasn’t sure what it was, but the combination of it and the acidic coffee made the back of his throat burn. He pulled a face and stood.
“I am going to get dressed. Be back in a moment, love,” he said. The latch on one of his suitcases clicked as it he opened it to retrieve his clothes. Today would be a simple suit with a long coat. Nothing too expensive, lest he draw too many interested glances.
He closed the bathroom door behind him, covered the mirror with a towel, and began to change. Before combing through his unruly hair, he dabbed on a bit of lavender cologne. It took him a moment to do his tie with his gloved hands, but he somehow managed. He slipped the ring around his neck, exited the bathroom, and rejoined Rin on the bed.