forum Incorrect Quotes 2: Electric Boogaloo

Started July 17, 2020 by @evastardust groupRRAAAARRL

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Mito: Don’t test me right now, Theo.
Theo: You’re like half my size. What are you going to do? Kick me in the ankle?
[later]
Heli: Um, why is Theo on the ground crying?
Pira: Mito kicked him very hard in the ankle.

Pira: Thanks for agreeing to see me.
June: I didn’t, you just barged in here and started talking.
Pira: I don’t need a history lesson, June, I was there.

Heli: Who’s turn is it to give the pep talk?
Theo: Mito's.
Mito: Okay, fuck shit up in there, but don’t die.
Pira: Inspirational.

Laetus: Oh gosh, you're bleeding a lot, what do I do?!
Heli: Apply pressure.
Laetus: Ah, okay, uh—listen, you dumbass, if you don't stop bleeding right now you're gonna die!
Heli: Wrong kind of pressure!

Mito: Aren't you wanted by the government?
Pira: I'm wanted by a lot of people, okay? That's the price of being pretty. And also the price of crime.

Pira: Welcome to the crew! Please leave you sanity and common sense at the door
Recruits: Won't we be needing those?
Theo: Not anymore

Laetus: Hey, what was the name of the guy we always bump into at the market?
Heli: His dogs' names are Pip and Clementine
Laetus: …That's not what I asked??
Heli: That's the information I have

-

Chan: Consider the following.
Chan: Seatbelts. Except they throw you out of your seat, and they’re called yeetbelts.

Aunty Li to Lucas, Chan and Himari: Why is it when something bad happens it’s always you three?
Lucas: Believe me, Aunty, I’ve been asking myself the exact same thing for the past six years.

Chan: Hey, can I get a sip of that water?
Lucas: Oh, it’s not water.
Chan: Vodka! I like your sty-
Lucas: It’s vinegar.
Chan: …What?
Lucas: It’s vinegar, pus-

Ren: Dude, you haven't left the house in weeks
Zephyr: Listen, I'm treating my body like a temple
Ren: When was the last time you got off that couch?
Zephyr: You don't move a temple

Emmett to Jack, Love, and The Sandman: Why is it when something bad happens, it’s always you three?
The Sandman: Believe me, Dr. Euclid, I’ve been asking myself the exact same thing for the past four hundred years.

Dally: Hey, can I get a sip of that water?
Jack: Oh, it’s not water.
Dally: Vodka! I like your sty-
Jack: It’s vinegar.
Dally: …What?
Jack: It’s vinegar, coward.

Minori: Hey, can I get a sip of that water?
Yuna: Oh, it’s not water.
Minori: Vodka! I like your sty-
Yuna: It’s vinegar.
Minori: …What?
Yuna: It’s vinegar, pussy.

Nikita, to Gail: With all due respect, which is none, go to hell.

Frost: Do you miss the imagination of childhood?
Zatian: I never had one.
Frost: An imagination or a childhood?

Varian: (calls Alune)
Varian: hey I hate to be a Karen but I glued myself to the ceiling again.

Sana: Who’s turn is it to give the pep talk?
Varian: Leaoni’s.
Leaoni: Okay, fuck shit up in there, but don’t die.
Takeo: Inspirational.
Varian: Great! See you all in hell.

Takeo: Hey, what was the name of the guy we always bump into at the market?
Sana: His dogs' names are Spot and Fluffy.
Takeo: …That's not what I asked??
Sana: That's the information I have.

Lynn: You haven't left the house in weeks.
Graham: Listen, I'm treating my body like a temple.
Lynn: When was the last time you got off that couch?
Graham: You don't move a temple.

Anthony: Who’s turn is it to give the pep talk?
Quill: Azzi's.
Azazel: Okay, fuck shit up in there, but don’t die.
Cyrus: Inspirational.
Anthony: Great! See you all in hell.

Abraham: Don’t test me right now, Wes.
Wes: You’re like half my size. What are you going to do? Kick me in the ankle?
[later]
Fantasia: Um, why is Wes on the ground crying?
Dante: Abe kicked him very hard in the ankle.

Kalif: Thanks for agreeing to see me.
Nolan: I didn’t, you just barged in here and started talking.
Kalif: I don’t need a history lesson, Nolan, I was there.

AJ, to Kalif: With all due respect, which is none, go to hell.

Kalif: Pronounces champagne like lasagne
Xavier: Do not.
Quinn: Pronounces lasagne like champagne
Xavier: DO NOT.

Adelia: It's Gerard's birthday today!
Caleb: Oh, happy birthday Gerard.
Adelia, jokingly: He's turning 49.
Gerard: God, it sure does feel like that.
Adelia:
Caleb:
Adelia: He's turning 19.

Crispin: Don’t test me right now, Wes.
Kit: You’re like half my size. What are you going to do? Kick me in the ankle?
[later]
Caleb: Um, why is Kit on the ground crying?
Eva: Crispin kicked him very hard in the ankle.

Brian: Who’s turn is it to give the pep talk?
Jackie: Holly's.
Holly: Okay, fuck shit up in there, but don’t die.
Jackie: Inspirational.
Brian: Great! See you all in hell.

Keyla: Hey, what was the name of the guy we always bump into at the market?
Taven: His dogs' names are Spot and Fluffy.
Keyla: …That's not what I asked??
Taven: That's the information I have.

Andor: (calls Ara)
Andor: hey I hate to be a Karen but I glued myself to the ceiling again.

Harper: It's Beck's birthday today!
Marisol: Oh. Happy birthday, Beck.
Harper, jokingly: He's turning 49.
Beck: God, it sure does feel like that.
Harper:
Marisol:
Harper: He's turning 19.

Quinn: Don’t test me right now, Vince.
Vince: You’re like half my size. What are you going to do? Kick me in the ankle?
Later
Portia: Um, why is Vince on the ground crying?
Talia: Quinn kicked him very hard in the ankle.

Oliver: Who’s turn is it to give the pep talk?
Jon: Therese's.
Therese: Okay, fuck shit up in there, but don’t die.
Darius: Inspirational.
Oliver: Great! See you all in hell.

Anne: Hey, what was the name of the guy we always bump into at the market?
Ginny: His dogs' names are Spot and Fluffy.
Anne: …That's not what I asked??
Ginny: That's the information I have.

Zephyr: It's Vio's birthday today!
Tetra: Oh. Happy birthday, Octavio.
Zephyr, jokingly: He's turning 49.
Vio: God, it sure does feel like that.
Zephyr:
Tetra:
Zephyr: He's turning 25.

Cyrus: Hey, what was the name of the guy we always bump into at the market?
Anthony: His dogs' names are Spot and Fluffy.
Cyrus: …That's not what I asked?
Anthony: That's the information I have.

Peregrine: It's Father's birthday today!
Estella: Oh. Happy birthday, Mihawk.
Peregrine, jokingly: He's turning 70.
Mihawk: God, it sure does feel like that.
Peregrine:
Estella:
Peregrine: He's turning 42.

Micheal: Your tsundere process is mysterious, Lucas

Anthony: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than ‘fuck’.

Quill: Azzi and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us.
Emmet, sighing: What did Azazel do?
Quill: Xe chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and-
Azazel: Who wants a steering wheel?

Poli: I can’t believe you live nearby and won’t let anyone crash at your place.
Vio: You people already know too much about me.
Poli: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.

Ellis: How's the most beautiful person here doing?
Poli: I don't know, how are you?
Ellis, flustered: I-
Drinn, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks!

Cyrus: Self care is getting into fights with mysterious strangers in dark alleys.
Quill: No, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it, or taking a nice warm nap!
Cyrus: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you! Self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists! Self care is the fear in your enemies’ eyes!!
Dally: Self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting.
Cyrus: If you touch my birthday cake I’ll make you eat your hands.

Love and Azazel sitting on a bench
Emmett, walking by: Why do you guys look so sad?
Azazel: Sit down with us so we can tell you.
Emmett: Sits down
Love: This bench is freshly painted.
Emmett:
Emmett: I’m going to kill you.

Quill: Have you seen Azazel around here?
Emmett: Ugh, yes. Xe made a horrible mess of the blood fountain.
Dally: …It looks fine to me?
Emmett: It used to be water!

Ellis: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?
Zephyr: Have everyone stand.
Tetra: Bring three more chairs.
Vio: The most important ones can sit down.
Drinn: Kill three.

Varian: I don’t need therapy. I have you guys.
Leaoni: We’re just as fucked as you are! It’s like the blind leading the blind!

Zatian: Oriana. My old arch enemy.
Varian: I thought I was your arch enemy?
Zatian: I have a life outside of you, Varian.

Alune: Why would you fill the first aid kit with Cheetos?!
Graham, bleeding out: I thought it would be funny at the time!

Sana: breathes
Leaoni: You are so precious, smol angel, I love you.
Frost: breathes
Leaoni: Oh my god, fuck off.

Lynn: You made one simple mistake. It’s nothing we can’t fix. Don’t overreact.
Graham, laying facedown in a hole he dug, covering himself with dirt: I’m not.

Alune: You’re making a mistake.
Varian: I prefer to call it an artistic choice.

Leaoni: I accidentally indulged in too much “me time.”
Leaoni: Turns out I’ve been reported missing for over six months and presumed dead by most local and national authorities.

Therapist: What do we say when someone mistreats us?
Varian: You’re toxic
Therapist: Yes
Varian: -I’m slipping under
Therapist: NO!

Amber: Yeeted.
Sanri: Yote.
Amber: YEETED
Sanri: YOTE
Yasuho, visibly upset: I just wanna know who threw Zepp out the window.

Yasuho: It's dark in here, does anyone have a flashlight?
Zepp: Yeah, just gimme two secs
Zepp: [cracks Quinn's back like a glowstick]
Quinn: [starts glowing]
Yasuho, terrified:

Zen: I had a dream I was in Cuba.
Haru: I had a dream where I was with two hot chicks.
Zen: You were with two hot chicks and you didn't call me?
Haru: I tried, but you were in Cuba!

[phone ringing]
Hime: [picks up the phone]
Hime: Team Atlas, cute one speaking

Vic: Your dad said I have four days to live.
Lilac: You're sick?
Vic: No, he just doesn't like me.

Hime: I told Harper that his ears turn red when he lies, and now I can tell when he's lying.
Amber: What? How??
Hime: I'll show you
Hime, to Harper: Harper, do you love us?
Harper: [covering his ears with his hands] no

Zen: [sees a bee on Haru's arm]
Zen: [rolls up a newspaper]
Zen: [uses it as a megaphone]
Zen: OI HARU THERE'S A FUCKING BEE ON YOUR ARM

Quinn: I'm not mad, I just wanna know why you two have fake IDs
Zen: [muttering]
Quinn: What?
Haru: You have to be 18 to buy fish at the pet store

Zen: What's that Chinese place we went to?
Harper, confused: Uh… China?
Zen: That's the one!

Haru: We're out of eggs again!
Quinn: It's okay, we have cereal
[later]
Haru: [throwing Cheerios at Zepp's house] this sucks

[texting]
Zen: nose
Zen: i typed that with my nose
Haru: heart
Zen: what-
Zen: haru are you okay
Zen: HARU-

Harper: Do you ever just sometimes get the urge to walk into the ocean with the hope that you'll turn into a mermaid in order to escape your deadlines?
Yasuho: Harper, are you okay?

Geneva: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than ‘fuck’.

Jackson: I can’t believe you live nearby and won’t let anyone crash at your place.
Geneva: You people already know too much about me.
Jackson: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.

Kels: Self care is getting into fights with mysterious strangers in dark alleys.
Imogen: No, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it, or taking a nice warm nap!
Kels: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you. Self care is when you feel the bones crack under your fists. Self care is the fear in your enemies’ eyes.
Kay: Self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting.
Kels: If you touch my birthday cake I will make you eat your hands.

Jackson: Sitting on a bench
Geneva, walking by: Why do you look so sad?
Jackson: Sit down with so I can tell you.
Geneva: Sits down
Jackson: This bench is freshly painted.
Geneva:
Geneva: I’m going to kill you.

[over the phone]
Kidnapper: We have your son.
Quinn: I don't have a son?
Kidnapper: Then who's the one asking for soda and a bag of hot chips?
Quinn: Oh my god, they have Zen-

Bara: You met my dad, right? How was he?
Harper: Think about the happiest memory you have. That moment in time that you cherish with all your heart
Harper: For me, it was when your father died

Sanri: How did none of you hear what I just said?
Zen: I've been zoned out for the past two hours
Quinn: I lost track halfway through
Harper: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

Yasuho: [holding infant Ana] the birth was such a mess, so much screaming and crying
Amber: Wow, are you sure you're alright to hold her?
Yasuho: No, I'm great! It was Quinn
Quinn: [ugly sobbing] She looks just like Ms. Hime!

Harper: Look, I know we don't get along but I got you a bath bomb for your birthday. So whenever you're feeling stressed and need a bath, just fill the bathtub with water and drop this in. I guarantee all your worries will be over
Vic: [opening the bag] this is a toaster

[at a restaurant]
Hostess: How old is your kid?
Quinn: He's actually my friend-
Hostess: Kids eat free
Quinn: This is my son Harper, he's 8 years old, isn't his frown just the cutest?

Harper: Don't do anything stupid.
Zen: You and I both know that's asking way too much of me.

Harper: If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Quinn, Zen, and Vic, I would shoot Vic twice.

Jay: How the fuck have you guys found my laboratory?
Quinn: Well there's a blood bonding between us and my dad's bo-
Harper: We typed "bitch" in our GPS and, well, here we are.

EVERYONE IN MY BOOK: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than ‘fuck’.

Kalif: Yeeted.
Abraham: Yote.
Kalif: YEETED
Abraham: YOTE
Xavier, visibly upset: I just wanna know who threw Wes out the window.

AJ: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than ‘fuck’.

Kalif: Sitting on a bench
Lyra, walking by: Why do you look so sad?
Kalif: Sit down with so I can tell you.
Lyra: Sits down
Kalif: This bench is freshly painted.
Lyra:
Lyra: I’m going to kill you.

Talia: You met my dad, right? How was he?
Vince: Think about the happiest memory you have. That moment in time that you cherish with all your heart
Vince: For me, it was when your dad died.

At a restaurant
Hostess: How old is your kid?
Talia: They're actually my friend-
Hostess: Kids eat free
Talia: This is my child Quinn, they're 10 years old, isn't their frown just the cutest?

Geneva: Don't do anything stupid.
Jackson: You and I both know that's asking way too much of me.

Therese: If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with the Duchess, Commander Cole, and Alexei Mourton, I would shoot Mourton twice.

Jay: I may be a disaster, but I'm a disaster with a doctorate degree. Fight me

Vic: Alright, so you and I are married.
Harper: We're not married.
Vic: Relax, it's just pretend.
Harper: I don't want to pretend.
Vic: Scared you'll like it?
Harper: Okay, if we're married, I want a divorce.
Yasuho: Are you two always like this?
Quinn: Yes, they are.

Zen: I will now drink 8 glasses of orange juice in 3 minutes.
Quinn: Nope, no you won't, because if you do that, you will die.

Quinn: Being gay isn't a choice.
Zepp: [puts sunglasses on the two of them] it's a game and we're winning

Vic: Nice hands, Lilac
Lilac: Uh, thanks?
Vic, whispering in Lilac's ear: I bet they'd look better wrapped around my-
Lilac, lifting up a Bible: BIBLE! WRAPPED AROUND THE BIBLE!
Lilac: Praise the Lord, amen.

Zen: Remember, Bara, if you ever need me, I'm always available 24/6 for you
Bara: Hold on! 24/6? But a week has 7 days? What's up with that?
Zen: Well, Saturday's are "Hang out with your best friend Haru" days

Leaoni: You can’t just follow me into fire!
Amari: THEN DON’T RUN INTO FIRE!

Sana: So, Frost do you have a crush on anyone?
Frost: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety.
Frost: [finger guns and walks away]

Lynn: Of course I care about everyone in this group equally.
Leaoni: We were attacked while you were away.
Lynn: Is Alune okay???

Varian: I hate going to the kitchen and realising I’m the only snack in the house.

[over the phone]
Kidnapper: We have your son.
Graham: I don't have a son?
Kidnapper: Then who's the dumbass who keeps asking for his one phone call even though we’ve explained several times we’re not the police and this is a kidnapping?
Graham: Oh my god, they have Varian-

Zatian, holding infant Phoenix: The birth was such a mess, so much screaming and crying.
Kallai: Oh, are you sure you’re alright to hold her?
Zatian: No, I’m great. It was Leaoni who got emotional.
Leaoni: [ugly sobbing] She looks just like Zatian!
Zatian, 100% done: I birthed her, Leaoni, of course she looks like me.
Varian: You know, basically all babies look like ET when they’re born.
Leaoni and Zatian: [death glares]

Leaoni: Look, I know we don't get along but I got you a bath bomb for your birthday. So whenever you're feeling stressed and need a bath, just fill the bathtub with water and drop this in. I guarantee all your worries will be over.
Frost: [opening the bag] this is a toaster.

[at a restaurant]
Hostess: How old is your kid?
Graham: He's actually my friend-
Hostess: Kids eat free.
Graham: This is my son Alune, he's 8 years old, isn't his frown just the cutest?

Alune: Don't do anything stupid.
Varian: You and I both know that's asking way too much of me.

Leaoni: If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Oriana, Marcello, and Frost, I would shoot Frost twice.

Alune: I’m sorry, how did you find my lab again?
Leaoni: We asked your brother-
Varian: We typed ‘bitch’ in our GPS and, well, here we are.

Takeo and Sana: [Sitting on a bench]
Leaoni, walking by: Why do you guys look so sad?
Takeo: Sit down with us so I can tell you.
Leaoni: [Sits down]
Sana: This bench is freshly painted.
Leaoni:
Leaoni: I’m going to kill you both.

Zatian: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than ‘fuck’.

Leaoni: I can’t believe you live nearby and won’t let anyone crash at your place.
Kallai: You people already know too much about me.
Leaoni: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.

Emmett: I’m sorry, how did you find my lab again?
Quill: We asked your sibling-
Cyrus: We typed ‘bitch’ in our GPS and, well, here we are.

Tetra: Don't do anything stupid.
Poli: You and I both know that's asking way too much of me.

[At a restaurant]
Hostess: How old is your kid?
Perry: He's actually my friend-
Hostess: Kids eat free.
Perry: This is my son Elias, he's 10 years old, isn't his frown just the cutest?

Perry: I hate going to the kitchen and realising I’m the only snack in the house.

(found some on the interwebs for y'all)

Liam: What's a "thot"?
Aquila: uh, it's a slang term for a thoughtful person, just don't worry about it
later at dinner
Fallon: Here's your food Liam
Liam: Thanks Fallon you're such a thot :D

Lyra: wHY WOULD YOU GIVE AQUILA A KNIFE?
Mica: she felt unsafe
Lyra: now I feel unsafe
Mica: …
Lyra: …
Mica: …would you like a knife?

Chiara, banging on the door: Open up!!!
Fallon: well, it all started when I was very young
Chiara: no I meant-
Lyra: Let him finish.

Jay: Astrology is different from astronomy. Astrology is the study of movements of celestial bodies.
Jay: So, what's your zodiac sign?
Zen: Tell me yours first.
Jay: I don't know, maybe Cancer?
Zen: I'm sure mine's Ulcer.

Bara: Someone's coming. Someone you don't like.
Harper: That could be anyone.

Harper: Zen, you can't get everyone to like you. You're not Jin
Zen: Not everyone likes Jin either.
Harper, pulling a gun out of his hat: I want names. Give me names.

Bara: Do you want to hang out this weekend?
Harper: Generic excuse
Bara: Did you just say "generic excuse"??

Quinn: Harper's at that age where a boy only has one thing on his mind.
Haru: Girls?
Harper: Homicide

Jin: Thanks, dad.
Jin: …Why is everyone staring at me?
Yasuho: You just called Quinn 'dad'. You said 'thanks dad'.
Jin: What? No, I didn't. I said 'thanks man'.
Quinn: Do you see me as a father figure, Jin?
Jin: No, if anything I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always bothering me.
Harper: Hey! Show your father some respect!

Haru: You started talking to yourself, Harper?
Harper: Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of an intelligent conversation around here.

Victor: Someone's coming. Someone you don't like.
Geneva: That could be anyone.

Casey: Do you want to hang out this weekend?
Beck: Generic excuse
Casey: Did you just say "generic excuse" out loud?
Beck: Passive rebuttal.

(Now as Brandon Rogers quotes)
Mr. Crowworth: Principle Abram, one of the seniors is on fire and I don't think he's going to make it

Mr. Crowworth: All you little shits are going to go nowhere in life

Amerly: Let's go outside
Briar: ASSHOLE! YOU LOCKED ME OUTSIDE
Amerly: This is my roommate, Briar
Briar: I had to sleep on a goddamn anthill

Claire: I'm out here having a dandy picnic with my big brother, Elijah
Elijah, with a straw up his nose: We need more coke
Claire: I packed Pepsi

Alex: Kids grab your shit, we're leaving! And Jane you grab your tablet I don't want you talking to me

Kid: (throw food)
Mia: Kid, please don't throw those at me
Kid: (throws more food)
Mia: I got my bachelors for this…

Oscar: Thanks, dad.
Oscar: …Why is everyone staring at me?
Miette: You just called Erik 'dad'. You said 'thanks, dad'.
Oscar: What? No, I didn't. I said 'thanks man'.
Erik: Do you see me as a father figure, Oscar?
Oscar: What? No! If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Douglas: Hey! Show your father some respect!

Zatian: Someone's coming. Someone you don't like.
Kallai: That could be anyone.

Sana: Do you want to hang out this weekend?
Wren: Generic excuse.
Sana: Did you just say "generic excuse"?

Varian: Thanks, dad.
Varian: …Why is everyone staring at me?
Alune: You just called Graham 'dad'. You said 'thanks dad'.
Varian: What? No, I didn't. I said 'thanks man'.
Graham: Do you see me as a father figure, Varian?
Varian: No, if anything I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always bothering me.
Leaoni: Hey! Show your father some respect!

Madam Margo: Kids grab your shit, we're leaving! And Varian you grab your tablet I don't want you talking to me.

Felix: We're out of eggs again!
Jarrod: It's okay, we have cereal
[later]
Felix: [throwing Cheerios at a house]
Felix: This sucks

[texting]
Knife: nose
Knife: i typed that with my nose
Grace: heart
Knife: what-
Knife: Grace are you okay
Knife: Grace?

Jarrod: Do you ever just sometimes get the urge to walk into Hell in the hopes you'll be eaten by a demon in order to escape your deadlines?
Austin: There may be a possibility that you need to take a break.

Austin: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than ‘fuck’.

Katie: I can’t believe you live nearby and won’t let anyone crash at your place.
Tess: You people already know too much about me.
Katie: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let me crash at your place.

Austin: Self care is getting into fights with mysterious strangers in dark alleys.
Melissa: No, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it, or taking a nice warm nap!
Austin: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you. Self care is when you feel the bones crack under your fists. Self care is the fear in your enemies’ eyes.
Melissa: Self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting.
Austin: If you touch my birthday cake I will make you eat your hands.

Felix: Sitting on a bench
Jarrod: Why do you look so sad?
Felix: Sit down with so I can tell you.
Jarrod: Sits down
Felix: This bench is freshly painted.
Jarrod:
Jarrod: I’m going to kill you.

[over the phone]
Kidnapper: We have your daughter.
Tess: I do not have a daughter.
Kidnapper: Then who's this girl who's making weird hand gestures at us and glaring
Tess: Oh, that's Grace. Tell her Knife expects her back for dinner.

Felix: Look, I know we don't get along but I got you a bath bomb for your birthday. So whenever you're feeling stressed and need a bath, just fill the bathtub with water and drop this in. I guarantee all your worries will be over
Austin: [opening the bag] this is a toaster
Felix: …you weren't supposed to open the bag so soon..
Austin: Thanks, I'll use it tonight.

[at a restaurant]
Hostess: How old is your kid?
Tess: He's not-
Hostess: Kids eat free, so he's probably eligible
Tess:
Tess: This is my son Knife, he's 8 years old, isn't his frown just the cutest?

Tess: Don't do anything stupid.
Knife: You and I both know that's asking way too much of me.

Quro: How the fuck did you find me
Gale: I typed "bitch" into my GPS and, well, here we are.

Jarrod: I may be a disaster, but I'm a disaster with a doctorate degree. Fight me

Felix: Alright, so you and I are married.
Jarrod: We're not married.
Felix: Relax, it's just pretend.
Jarrod: I don't want to pretend.
Felix: Scared you'll like it?
Jarrod: Okay, if we're married, I want a divorce.
Melissa: Are you two always like this?
Austin: Yes, they are.

Jarrod: Being gay isn't a choice.
Felix: [puts sunglasses on the two of them] it's a game and we're winning

Felix: Nice hands, Jarrod
Jarrod: Uh, thanks?
Felix, whispering in Jarrod's ear: I bet they'd look better wrapped around my-
Jarrod: Neck? I agree.
Felix: If you're into that sure..
Jarrod: You know what, they look better on the handle of this gun-

Knife: Remember, Grace, if you ever need me, I'm always available 24/6 for you
Grace: 24/6? What's up with that?
Knife: Well, Saturday's are "Hang out with your best friend Tess" days

Austin: Do you have a crush on anyone?
Melissa: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety[finger guns]
Austin: Same[finger guns back]

Austin: Of course I care about everyone in this group equally.
Jarrod: We were attacked while you were away.
Austin: Is Em okay???

Tess: I hate going to the kitchen and realising I’m the only snack in the house.

Tess: Why would you give Grace a knife?
Knife: she felt unsafe
Tess: now I feel unsafe
Knife: …would you like a knife?

Emily: So, what's your zodiac sign?
Felix: Tell me yours first.
Emily: I don't know, maybe Cancer?
Felix: I'm sure mine's Ulcer.

Melissa: Someone's coming. Someone you don't like.
Austin: That could be anyone.

Austin: Mel, you can't get everyone to like you. You're not Em
Melissa: Not everyone likes Emily either.
Austin, becoming very, very threatening all of a sudden: I want names. Give me names.

Austin: Do you want to hang out this weekend
Melissa: Generic excuse
Austin: Did you really just say "generic excuse"

Knife: Grace is at that age where she only has one thing on her mind.
Tess: Boys?
Grace: Homicide

Felix: You started talking to yourself, Jarrod?
Jarrod: Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of an intelligent conversation around here.

Emily: I'm out here having a dandy picnic with my friends, Felix and Caecilius
Felix, with a straw up his nose: We need more coke
Caecilius, also with a straw up his nose: [Nodding]
Emily: I packed Pepsi, sorry :(

Tess: Kids grab your shit, we're leaving! And Knife you grab something to keep you busy, I don't want you talking to me