"I… get that," Cyrus breathed, "Luckily arsons are pretty hard to trace back to the perp, so the arrest thing at least, you won't have to worry about much. As for work, you don't need experience to get entry level work just to start with, and you could always go for your GED. I'd help you study, of course."
He shuddered a bit.
"I… I worry about the whole criminal past thing too. Like sure, the idea of getting caught is scary, but also, I think the nature of my work reveals a lot about who I am as a person. And the fact that I have enjoyed stabbing people to death before…"
Should I tell him about those nightmares? The ones where it was him? No, probably not. Not right now.
“A GED would be a good idea… I’ll have to start there… and you’re right, arsons are hard to trace. It’s one of the reasons I’m not in prison right now.” He murmured, tilting his head up at the other and blinking his green eyes slowly.
“It doesn't mean you’re a bad person Cy. Your circumstance was different. It was probably the only outlet for your emotions… I felt the same with some of my fires. I liked them because I had the control.”
Cyrus gritted his teeth, his heart wrenching at the suggestion it was something of an outlet.
"I… suppose, yeah. I just…"
He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his face.
"Most people don't even know what kind of violence they're capable of, and in this case, ignorance truly is bliss. I sometimes just felt like an attack dog kept on a tight leash. I don't have much control over my core nature, which is… horribly violent. I just have logical choices and self control standing in the way of me doing more horrible things, I feel like. Now that I'm turned off my chains, I don't- I don't know what that freedom means. If I'll just let loose?"
Marcus cupped his face and drew him in close so their foreheads were touching. He cradled Cyrus there for a moment. “It’s going to be scary, Cy.if you really think that’s your core then shift it. Find another core to take up and build. If you’re afraid of violent outbursts, why don’t you take up boxing or something like that? It’ll help you get out what you need and cope in a good way…”
"I could… try that," Cyrus replied, a little uneasy at the suggestion, but Marcus was probably right.
"And like maybe, one day I'll move past it, but that day isn't anytime soon."
He shuddered again. It was probably pretty odd for Marcus to hear him talk about himself as a murderer when the other had never witnessed anything beyond his father's body. But that was arguably a well-deserved death.
Not only had Marcus not witnessed much violence from Cyrus, but Cyrus hated violence. It made him sick. He was the type of person who literally threw up the first time he killed someone, and the next couple of times after. His first few months of work as a hitman, he'd cried himself to sleep the night following every hit.
And by god, he was just soft. Loving. He wanted nothing more than to be kind to others.
However, knowing what he was capable of tore him apart.
Cyrus snuggled in closer to Marcus.
"Sometimes, I feel like a mistake… I don't even know why I was born. I don't know why my mother even stayed with him long enough to have a kid, much less three…"
“Healing takes time love…” Marcus cooed, his hands tangling into Cyrus’s hair and playing with the strands there. It had become one of Marcus’s favorite things to do recently. He really loved and craved for the attention and affection Cyrus gave him. It was different than the harsh touch he was used to and he got to initiate it when it was okay to. He had never been able to do that.
Though of course, Marcus didn’t really understand the fullness of Cyrus’s grief over his capabilities. Marcus really hadn’t ever seen anything Cyrus had done. He didn’t know or understand the extent to it other than a human had lost their life on multiple occasions in Cy’s hands.
“Love is a complicated thing, Cyrus.” Marcus sighed. “When you get into relationships like those… it’s hard to leave.” He choked a little, biting his tongue to keep from scowling at himself. “Not to mention the manipulation and use of that love against you. You really truly believe you’re in the right place even if you are miserable. You think your whole worth and life is dedicated to them and if they leave then you’re done for. You need them. I craved him when he left me for days on end in that basement. I needed him to assure me that I was wanted. He rewarded me for good behavior too, though I didn’t always like the reward…” he shivered, ghostly hands and bounds once again traveling across his skin. He felt suddenly dirty, like he needed a shower. “It’s hard to leave someone you think you love.”
Cyrus frowned.
"I didn't ever love him… there was no facade there. He didn't even pretend to care for me. It was all blackmail," he sighed, "My 'reward' was always not having the shit beat out of me, not having to go without eating because he refused to provide. He was less like a father and more like a malevolent, vengeful god, you know? Although I suppose in that sense, I was made to feel like nothing without him. He picked me to kill because I could do it… because I had that capability none of my other siblings did. Nina was never one for that kind of dirty work. She does poisons and always tended towards more logistical stuff anyhow. Hugo didn't have the constitution for it. Sometimes passed out at the sight of blood. So he was a drug dealer. It worries me that I fit the bill for a hitman. Clearly he saw something in me too."
Cyrus leaned back into Marcus' gentle touch.
“A reward is still a reward.” He murmured softly, though didn’t argue beyond that. Cyrus had a point. A very big and a very good point. Though it bothered Marcus a lot. He didn’t like it at all. Nor did he like the other’s train of thought.
“You were trained that way, Cy. No one starts out with a bloodlust… unless you’re a psychopath… but even then in order for it all to get to the point of killing you have to have some sort of push. Something or someone awful enough to make you do things you wouldn’t otherwise do.”
"Well… that's one thing I'm not," Cyrus said softly, "But not even a psychopath has the inherent desire. Although I guess it's not the desire I'm talking about. It's that ability- like you know when someone makes you snap? It's like, what would I do then? Because believe it or not, Marcus, I've killed a handful of people outside of contracts. I've no doubt my father is responsible for me electing to take those actions, but-"
He frowned.
"The thing is, you're probably right, but I just- I'm having such a hard time believing that I could be anything other than a monster."
“Cy, you’re no monster beyond compassion. Monsters aren’t all bad creatures you know. And you don’t seem like a monster to me. You’ve been nothing but kind and gentle with me.” Marcus was grasping at all he could in hopes of helping the other. But the truth was that he had no idea what he could do or say or be… this was a new thing to him. He was used to his partners owning up to the fact they were monsters and killers and they usually used that to threaten him. But Cy didn’t do that…
“Cyrus. I’ve been around monsters before.” He stated suddenly, a bitter taste in his mouth. “You are nothing like them.”
"You're right… I hope," Cyrus murmured, "And it makes me feel glad to know I'm not like the others who have hurt you before. At least I don't give you that reminder. I just hope- I hope I can continue to be good to you, you know? That's all I want."
He gave a halfhearted smile.
"I'm so used to being talked down on, so now that I have no one to do it, I'm talking down on myself, huh?" Cyrus sighed, "I don't mean to argue with you, I really don't. Sometimes I just genuinely feel like a shitty human, and while there's no real reasons there to back that up, it makes sense in my mind."
“You’ve been amazing to me.” Marcus reassured. Truth be told, anyone who showed him any sort of semblance of kindness was pretty good in his book but Cyrus had done so much more that he was practically the top idol of everything. Anything Cy did was amazing to Marcus.
“I know the feeling, Cy. You don’t have to justify it with me. I understand it.” He pressed a few fluttering kissed to Cyrus’s skin. “We both have things that we need to work on. Just know I’ll be right here to help you as best I can. I’m not very good with this stuff but I’ll do my best for you.”
"You're doing better with it than most people I know," Cyrus replied, "And I thank you for that. You're so supportive, darling."
He held Marcus a bit closer.
"I know one person can't be a whole support system, but you're the best start I could've asked for."
“I’m trying my best, Cyrus. I wish I knew exactly what I could say to make you feel better, but I’m doing all I can for you.” Marcus let out a gentle sigh, and stared at the wall for a small moment. “Do you think we’ll eventually get to a ‘normal’ amount of functioning? Like do you think we can fit in with the rest of the population someday?”
"Maybe," Cyrus replied, his brow furrowed a bit, "I'm not really sure. Only time will tell. But yknow, it's not like I ever really fit in in the gang either, so here's hoping."
He gave a bit of a shrug.
"Otherwise, I'm just gonna fake it until it feels natural."
Marcus pressed his face into Cyrus's hair, humming softly at the warmth. "I guess that's a good strategy. I'll try that too." He murmured, bringing the other closer with a soft sigh. "Isn't it strange? Doesn't it feel weird? Normal almost feels wrong." He mused, laughing gently. "I like being able to just lay here though, and cuddle with you."
"Wrong, sure, but definitely better," Cyrus said with a slight laugh, "And at the end of the day, even if we never fully fit in again, we have each other. We've been through a lot of the same stuff."
"Much better. I really prefer this to anything else. Especially if it's with you, Cyrus. We have each other and I couldn't ask for a better partner to get me through all of this." Marcus closed his eyes and took in the small moment as a whole. It really was a strange situation for both parties really. It would almost be amusing if it wasn't so terrifying of a situation. He and Cyrus were two wronged individuals who would really never get the justice they deserved in their situations because of the things they had done. But neither of them were ever really at fault for their actions. Regardless of that fact, however, they would never be seen as the 'victim' side of it all. Especially with the crimes both had committed. But they could still go out in public and be semi-normal. They could actually go out and find work and they had the opportunity to get higher education if they wanted…
"Cyrus?" Marcus started, breaking his train of thought as a happier idea came to his mind. "Does this mean we can go on more dates? We won't have to worry about getting caught together. Wouldn't it be fun to go out for dinner a few times?" He lit up suddenly, pulling back a little to look at Cyrus's face. "We could go to the zoo! I've never been to a zoo but I've always kinda wanted to go to one. As long as we stay away from the little mice-like things then I think I'd like it, you know?"
"Oh, absolutely!" Cyrus agreed, fully smiling for the first time in a while, "I'd love to go out with you! There was that time we went to that coffee shop. I've been craving more dates ever since."
He thought a bit at the mention of zoos.
"I've never been to one either. I've always wanted to see big cats and stuff like that in person. And pandas. There's so much of this world that I've never seen before."
Marcus lifted his head to look at Cyrus's face, bringing him into a chaste kiss. "I want to take you out on all the dates. Maybe that's what we need instead of staying in this apartment so much. It might help both of our mental states and do us some good." He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes.
"Big cats look fluffy. I wish I could actually like pet one or something without getting mauled." He mused, sighing softly. "There's so much I haven't seen or been able to enjoy too. I really want to see it all, and it would be even better with you."
"Of course. We're going to have to start small, though," Cyrus sighed, "I'm still having trouble walking. I can make it across the apartment alright, but stairs and any long distance isn't so easy for me at the moment. That zoo date may have to wait a bit. But we can still go to lunch or coffee, or see a movie. Something that's less physical."
He frowned.
"I've been told I'm going to be fine, that the healing is going alright. But it's still worrying. I'm getting antsy. Guess I lived, though, so maybe I shouldn't complain."
"How about we start at small walk dates? There's that little garden, park thing nearby? Maybe walking a little more will help you heal up. Then we can come back after and rest up so you're not too sore." Marcus murmured, tilting his head a little as he thought. "You're allowed to be antsy, love. So much has happened and you're hurt and it's scary. So much has happened, Cyrus. But you are healing, and it does seem to go well. I'm glad. I was worried I didn't do enough to help you." Marcus nuzzled into the other's cheek, kissing him a few times over. "I'm happy you're healing. Are you still in pain?"
"I think that’s a good idea," Cyrus replied softly, brushing Marcus' hair back from his face, "The pain comes and goes. Usually it's just when I overexert myself, though, so that's at least better than it hurting all the time. I could probably take short walks. It just… leaving the house sounds hard, honestly. And not just because of my injuries."
He lowered his head.
"Life just keeps going on, huh? It surely doesn't wait for people like me. That bright sunshine, happy couples taking walks, parents with their kids on the playground, people walking their dogs… They have no idea what's going on in our minds when we pass them by. I see smiling faces and sun, and it almost angers me. It angers me that I lost so much of that. I too would like to move on and simply be, but it's not that simple."
“Good. Don't overexert yourself. I can help you if you need it, too. Though I see where you’re coming from. It is scary to think about going back out there… which is why taking small walks or even just standing outside will do a lot to help. Small steps.” Marcus gently tilted Cyrus’s head back up and held his face lovingly.
“You have a right to be angry and upset over it. Be upset and angry about it. Just don’t be idle, Cyrus.” Even with Marcus’s habit of repressing traumas, he too had a bit of a hard time adjusting and just being. He was damn good at hiding it, but it was there still the same. Maybe their shared fear could help motivate each other? Or drive them both deeper… hopefully it wasn’t that way.
Cyrus nodded.
"I understand," he said, "It's hard. But I get where you're coming from."
He shifted a bit. Aimless walks would probably just leave him alone with his thoughts anyway. Might as well stay inside, alone with his thought. Unless? Maybe he'd give himself a goal when he went out. Perhaps picking flowers for Marcus, or meet three new people, or something. Anything at all. Just anything to keep him from his thoughts while he sorted everything out.
Marcus looked a little more relieved after hearing the words. A little bit of the tension he had been holding in melted away. "I've never really liked staying inside for too long - probably because of my past situation - but now that we have this space and it's safe, I kind of enjoy it a lot more. So I see where you're coming from too, with wanting to stay in." Of course, Marcus had a limit to that kind of stuff. He couldn't stay in a confined space for long before he had to get out or leave or do something. He blamed the basement Marx would lock him in. What a time… He was glad that trauma hadn't surfaced quite yet… maybe it would never? Maybe? It sure did leave him in a panic whenever the word was spoken or mentioned. And he wouldn't go into any basements at all regardless if they were normal or not. He just physically couldn't. Not without a lot of force at least.
"Yeah, I think it's a product of my situation, too," Cyrus said, "It was usually dark and quiet in my room. And away from all the bullshit. And when there's a lot going on in my brain, I always want to go back to the dark and quiet. But sometimes I just don't leave unless someone makes me."
He tilted his head.
"But it's probably a habit I can break."
“It’s good to have a safe space but I do think going out might do some good for us both. Especially health wise. You need some sun, Cyrus.” Marcus chided gently, adding a few kisses. “Even if we just go sit out on the steps.”
"I know, I know," Cyrus chuckled softly, "Perhaps we can start tomorrow. Start slowly getting me out, that is."
He tried to smile a bit. Everything still felt kind of pointless, but he wanted to at least try for Marcus' sake, if not for his own.
“That sounds like a good plan. Tomorrow for sure then. Even if it’s just the front step.” Marcus looked Cyrus over a few times before he leaned in and kissed him softly. “You’re being so strong here, Cy. Thank you for that.”
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