Aaahaaa I love them both, especially the poem! Can I ask what book it's based on?? Bc I got a lot of Song of Achilles vibes but I might be wrong
Thank you!!! Yes indeedy, that's the one, I finished it and cried and haven't been able to stop researching it for months now.
Hnnng I need to read it so badly but I can't find it anywhere
Oh dude that book is magic I love it so much, my brain went straight to 'oh I can lend you my copy!' lmao
Lmao don't you live in England? I don't think that would work out very well
Yeah lol it was a mental reflex
(hi! this looks cool and fun, may i join?)
this is open to everyone, as per ninjas rules, so absolutely!
The mochi glid over to the shaved ice I left out. I guess he must be hungry, I poured some cherry flavor on it causing the mochi to drool and contently watch. Now for the final ingredient. I grab some whipped cream, The mochi flinches back at first before watching, after that he jumped in joy at the finished product. He gobbled it all up in heartbeat before hopping to me and facing me with a smile
Here's another excerpt from my picture thread, Feedback appreciated
this is open to everyone, as per ninjas rules, so absolutely!
thanks crocs
The mochi glid over to the shaved ice I left out. I guess he must be hungry, I poured some cherry flavor on it causing the mochi to drool and contently watch. Now for the final ingredient. I grab some whipped cream, The mochi flinches back at first before watching, after that he jumped in joy at the finished product. He gobbled it all up in heartbeat before hopping to me and facing me with a smile
Here's another excerpt from my picture thread, Feedback appreciated
well, glid isn't a word so i'd recommend using glides or rephrasing the sentence to fit it better. another note is that your second sentence doesn't work as one whole sentence, so again it would need reworking or to just be split with a period at that comma. if you really wanted, you could pair the first sentence and the first half of the second with a comma and the word 'so' to let them flow, or use a semicolon i think. im not too versed on semicolon use and am mostly guessing every time i use one.
otherwise though, i really like it! i think its an interesting concept, and im intrigued by the way you wrote it
The mochi glid over to the shaved ice I left out. I guess he must be hungry, I poured some cherry flavor on it causing the mochi to drool and contently watch. Now for the final ingredient. I grab some whipped cream, The mochi flinches back at first before watching, after that he jumped in joy at the finished product. He gobbled it all up in heartbeat before hopping to me and facing me with a smile
Here's another excerpt from my picture thread, Feedback appreciated
well, glid isn't a word so i'd recommend using glides or rephrasing the sentence to fit it better. another note is that your second sentence doesn't work as one whole sentence, so again it would need reworking or to just be split with a period at that comma. if you really wanted, you could pair the first sentence and the first half of the second with a comma and the word 'so' to let them flow, or use a semicolon i think. im not too versed on semicolon use and am mostly guessing every time i use one.
otherwise though, i really like it! i think its an interesting concept, and im intrigued by the way you wrote it
Thank you
skfjdskl I see that I sure miscalculated when I decided to save up this evening for feedback
on the other hand reading stuff from this thread when the friends are in town is sure,,, something
(sorry for the delay!)
this poem is from the pov of a heavily abused character. T/W for references to self/harm, and physical and sexual abuse of a child/young teen. character is 16 at time of "writing" poem. I didn't spoiler box it bc the references aren't explicit, but I will add spoilers if they are requested. (Also Amber, you'll probably recognize the character haha)
When I die, bury me
under a rosebush. Let my body
bloom red with more beauty than it ever did
in life. Bury me with my face to the sky, let me
gaze upon the cold and unfeeling moon.
Let my scars bear flowers, petals of
deepest scarlet and crimson, petals that
no blade ever touched. Let my wrists
fuel the growth of a thing unabused, let
my body remain undisturbed, undesecrated,
whole.
Let no one take the blooms, let my roses
be unraped by too eager hands. Let this
final metamorphosis remain whole. Let
my bruises and my scars bear the flowers
of life, more beautiful in death than
I ever could be.
Let me rest in piece, in the body
of a rosebush. No hasty hands
plucking the bud before it can bloom, petals
raining as blood upon the desecrated ground.
Great poem. I really like the flower motifs. It captures the feeling of wanting to start off clean. If I had to nitpick the placement of the end stanza was at weird mainly the of a rosebud sentence
Thanks! Yeah the ending is a bit off but I wasn't quite sure how to fix it
Think I have a bit of a death fixation (and also a church fixation (in a negative way)) rn. anyway have more poems. Second is a prince who killed someone
Bury my hollow bones where the light
cannot reach. Let my blood water a cold
and thirsty ground.
Desecrate a holy place and shatter me into
stained glass, let my tombstone
a fairy ring be.
Whisper my name into the wind and
never speak it again, let me be
forgotten into the mists of time, lonely
bones in a dark grave. Let my shattered pieces
frame a window to a tomb of life, a
hollow circle of bone and blood and cold
nature, the wind howling like the furies of
Hades.
What makes a man and what makes a
prince?
A crown?
A title?
A beating lifeblood never spilt
upon holy ground?
The feet of a man little more than
a boy, a crown on his head and
ice in his gaze, tombstones around him as he stares
at a grave.
His fist clenches.
His brow gathers like stormclouds.
He sighs, a gust of breeze on a dark day.
"I am
sorry."
Is all he can say, to the tomb
of a man who, but for him, would
still draw breath, sinews still pulling
at heavy bones and massed flesh.
The prince straightens
his crown, lifts up
his chin, and turns away.
"The king is dead,
long live
the king."
literally though i have chills from both– I really love your use of rhyme like wow, and also the words just feel right, idrk how to explain it but like the words seem really well-chosen
Okay I wrote a not-quite-poem because I was listening to shrike by hozier on loop and decided to write something so yeah, it's heavily inspired
Remember me, love.
Though I could not utter them,
Let the cries born of your acid rage,
Hang above your holy form, like
A blade. Mounted and balanced.
Remember me, love.
What I am is what you made,
For my virtues uncounted are owed,
To you. As your darkness drew me in,
Is darkness now all I can give.
Remember me, love.
For your warmth gave me life,
Like your scorn made my breath,
The last. I cannot shout,
If a whisper is what you ask.
Remember me, love.
As you leave, watch your
Thorns pull away from my heart,
And as the prey you have moulded,
I will sit as each beat drains me of life.
literally though i have chills from both– I really love your use of rhyme like wow, and also the words just feel right, idrk how to explain it but like the words seem really well-chosen
Thank you!
Also yours is really cool too. Idk I just like it
Hello! Most of you are teenagers, I had to write a thing for some teenagers! And yes I am a teenager but for some reason I have lost the ability to think like one. Here is what I had to write, I don't know where I'm going with it and any criticism would be amazing.
I breathe in the room that has not seen me leave its four walls in weeks. This room is safe, and I know every inch of it. The minute I leave, people are scared, and every breath is counted.
Everyday the screen lights up, and I sit and stare. The words are tainted with the hum of bad audio and they ring around my room, unpleasant and impossible to decipher.
Hour after hour passes, of words and frozen faces. As the world falls apart outside the door, and as videos of murder and heartbreak dominate my screen, there is work to be done. Every teacher presents work with a smile and a halfhearted encouragement. They seem to be as stuck as I am.
Everything will be okay when we are back to normal. Do your work, and be excellent.
I am asked to be excellent as everything spins out of control.
I am working for a future I do not know the form of.
I am asked to take control of a situation not even the most powerful positions can control.
I am asked to be strong as everything I know shuts down and changes before my eyes, and I am helpless to let my life unfold the way I have been told it should.
I am the only thing left that I know.
As the world begins to go back to normal, I need to grow out of the one room I have relied on. The world beckons to me, and once again I am born into it.
There is a fight to be fought against the ease of exhaustion. I am exhausted. I don’t even know what I am fighting, and yet the battle is constant.
There is a bravery in finding something to work on in the middle of chaos, is there not?
There seems to be courage in ignoring chaos and finding hope in what will come out the other side.
There will be another side. That I know, if nothing else. There is going to be an after and I will be ready for it.
I have a life to lead. I have seen the world break down and I have been locked into my own mind, and I have lived to see it through. Is there anything else that I will not be able to defeat?
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i wrote something can i show it
Every teenager is troubled with school but no one does anything about it. Parents say “it's all because of that phone,” or “it's just because of the social media you use.” When we try and tell them what’s going on they say “It’s all because of that phone you see back when i was ur age…” Yeah we get it ur life was pitch perfect but now there's insecurities, body shaming, that one girl or guy everyone wants to look like.
Then school isn’t any better, many teens get told at school by other students that they hate each other, and sometimes more than u think, the reason people hate others are just from rumors. Teachers say to ask for help but when you actually do they just tell you to pay attention more, even if you are trying as hard as possible, if you ask a teacher if you can do more work for extra credit they say, “maybe if u worked harder you wouldn’t need the bonus points,” and then they don’t even let u try for bonus points.
Society is worse overall, girls for example, you wear makeup your a try hard, you don't wear makeup your a loser. If you have a belly your fat, if you are skinny you need to eat. For guys, you study your a nerd, you don’t study your failure. You're not on the football team, no girl likes you, but for the guys who are on the team, they get girls falling all over them, special treatment from teachers, and their picture everywhere.
LGBTQ+ teens gets treated like crap honestly. They get told by people they really trusted,” It's just for attention” they lose many friends over this. Even if a girl were to ask to get her hair cut into a pixie cut some moms say “Why do u wanna be a boy?” No some don’t but if they did what's wrong with that. And guys, if they wanna grow their hair long some dads say,” no its not manly” or “why so u can be a girl, absolutely not” If you are LGBT you're told “it's just a phase you’ll get over it” no they won't and even if they do let us be us not you. The one thing I hear that really makes me angry is,” It was adam and Eve not Adam and Steve,”and for anyone who got told this or thinks they will here's an explanation straight from “God’s” words “Eve was made truly of one of Adam’s ribs and was then female.” So yes it wasn’t Adam and Steve because Steve is her deadname.
When teens get bad grades they get told their not trying hard enough, their failure, etc. But in reality their getting bad grades most of the time because they don’t understand and they’re scared to ask questions because they are scared they will get called dumb or stupid. Parents, have you ever thought they dont understand maybe just maybe because they have 6 classes, ELA, Math, Social studies, Science, music, and health, which they have to study all of that for weekly quizzes they recieve. Next time they don’t want to study dont say their lazy thoughts, maybe they wanna take a break from studying since they do it everyday.
In conclusion I think in my opinion as a fellow teen, teenagers should be not judged and more understood. I think that people should at least try and understand what they're going through.
(yeah-)
im only 13 and i wrote this-
speaking of teens–
"inside tegan's mind"
swearing towards the bottom
the italian probably isn't perfect, but shh
this is meant to be a sort of free-flow thought ramble of hers when she's alone and lost in her head. a friend of hers suggested she do this to keep things from getting bottled up
huh?
it's a link
oh my school wont let me open it.
for those who can't open the doc but want to read
hopefully that's better
hey I live!! thanks so much to everyone who's shared stuff recently, I really enjoyed reading through all of them!!! I've been struggling to keep up with individual feedback for every piece, so I'll just give a few general notes for everyone. if you want my take on a specific text, please let me know and I'd be happy to do that.
@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster
these were so fun! you're really good at these short, vivid image descriptions!! A really cool sense of story, good eye for colours! I'd recommend keeping an eye on tenses and making sure they're consistent, as well as sentence structure - you sometimes connect two thoughts with a comma when grammatically there should probably be a period. but yeah. Thanks for sharing!!
@amber_is_in_a_loop
ooh, I love all of this so much!!! excellent word choices, strong imagery, really good flow, and your poetry generally has a strong structure which really helps you hit home with last lines! minor nitpick, but I'd maybe go back and check over the relationship between punctuation and linebreaks in some parts. I think I noticed some spots where you add commas that break up phrases a bit oddly? but super well done overall, thank you for sharing!!
@Icefire
super strong sense of characterisation and crystal clear images - the rosebush imagery especially. I noticed you mentioned the ending of that one felt off, and I wonder if it might help to change the last sentence to start with "Let no hasty hands"? I think that might help tie it all back in with the structure, if that makes sense.
@kavinfrazier21
I'm no longer a teen myself, but yeah I feel ya. I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for here? I'd point out minor grammar things (consistent "you" instead of "u", sentence structure, etc) but I'm sure you're aware and this seems like more of a personal thing? so yeah. very passionately argued and an entire mood; thank you for sharing!!
@kirke
a really good take on the stream-of-consciousness approach!! there's a strong sense of characterisation and voice, and for the most part the inherent difficulty of "how much context would a character give if they're not writing for an audience" is really cleverly solved! especially how some of the Italian phrases are part of the text rather than being repeated in English too - this may just be me, but when I'm writing without an audience and slip into a different language I tend not to translate it. so just. really well done!! thank you for sharing!
prompts!!
music: "Breathe Again", Sara Bareilles
image: "SS Speke Shipwreck", by Boy_Anupong, Getty Images
words: from "Diving into the Wreck" by Adrienne Rich (do go read the whole thing if you can!!)
We are, I am, you are
by cowardice or courage
the one who find our way
back to this scene
carrying a knife, a camera
a book of myths
in which
our names do not appear.
@Icefire
super strong sense of characterisation and crystal clear images - the rosebush imagery especially. I noticed you mentioned the ending of that one felt off, and I wonder if it might help to change the last sentence to start with "Let no hasty hands"? I think that might help tie it all back in with the structure, if that makes sense.
:D thanks! And yeah, that definitely would sound better, thanks!