(I have a few choice incidents 😂)
“I’m just not used to it is all.” Came the soft reply, his hands never moving from the others face. Marcus gently tilted Cyrus’s face back up to meet his eyes, worried for his love.
“What’s the matter, Cyrus? I’m here for you. I’ll listen.”
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(We love torturing characters in this house)
"Again, I'm not sure… I- actually, I have a question. So you asked me if I was dissociating earlier. What… what did you mean by that, exactly?"
Cyrus tilted his head.
(Yes, yes we do :))
Marcus tilted his head at the question, letting his mind run over it. "Like not feeling like you're in your body or you're not yourself, if that makes sense. I know there's levels of it with zoning out being the lowest and a feeling of depersonalization as one of the highest. Sometimes you'll feel like you're watching yourself from a third person kinda view."
"Oh…" Cyrus murmured.
He stopped to think about his wording for a second.
"I wouldn't say that I'm seeing myself from the third person, but… it's like my mind or spirit or whatever is… uh… shifted a few inches away from my body. Like I'm not all here. But I thought that was like a normal thing. Sometimes I get that way when I'm tired, too."
He shrugged a bit.
"Although I will say it's a bit more intense than normal at the moment."
“That’s another form of dissociation I think. I’ve only heard about it through the stupid councilors they make you go to when you’re in Juvie.” He murmured, running his fingers through Cyrus’s hair.
“It’s a weird experience. Dissociating.”
"I'd heard the word, but never really thought about it. I mean, I've heard about things like dissociative identity disorder, but that's completely different," Cyrus said softly, letting Marcus stroke his hair.
After a short pause, he asked, "So I take it you say it's a weird feeling based on personal experience?"
“That is completely different. It’s much different.”
Marcus swallowed hard, a shudder running through his body.
“Yeah… I do it during trauma… like when Marx is…” he looked away for a moment, ashamed. “When, y’know, that Is happening.”
"Yeah… I'm sorry, " Cyrus said softly, "So it's how you cope…"
He placed a gentle hand on Marcus' face, trying to motion that it was nothing to be ashamed of.
He nodded softly, allowing the other to touch him. He flashed a weak smile in the direction of Cyrus and sighed. "It's better if I just let him do what he wants… so I separate myself from the situation the only way I know how." Marcus placed his hand over Cyrus's and pressed into it. "It makes it easier. I don't get hurt worse and Marx lets me go after a few nights."
"You won't have to do that anymore," Cyrus promised, "You've put up with too much for too long, and I'm so sorry."
He gave a sad smile in return.
Marcus moved Cyrus’s hand so he could press a kiss to the palm of it, his eyes soft and loving.
“I can deal with it if it means I get to have you by my side, you know. But we won’t have to put up with any of it soon. You won’t have to put up with your father.”
"No, I won't let that happen. I'm sick of it for you. He's disgusting, vile, and treats you like you're not even human," Cyrus murmured.
"Even if it's not today, not tomorrow… you'll get away from him. I swear it."
Marcus squeezed his eyes shut, whimpering lightly at the words.
”You’re mine.” Marx whispered in the back of his head. ”Don't even think about trying to get away, don’t disrespect me, your pretty little head is mine~”
Marcus pushed the words out of his head, sighing and opening his eyes again.
“I don’t like it. I hate the way he treats me… I don’t want to go back to him Cyrus. I’m scared of him. I’m scared of it all. I just want to get away.”
"I know, I know," Cyrus said, "And you're going to."
He clutched Marcus' hand.
"If there's anything I can do. Anyone I can contact to help with this.. "
Marcus pushed himself a little closer to Cyrus, breathing him in deeply.
“I don’t know what to do or who to contact. He’s got mafia connections, Cy.” Marcus shuddered, gripping the other’s hand tighter. “I’m so scared of him. He knows how to get me to submit and I hate it. I can’t fight it either.”
Cyrus bit his lip.
"M-my family does too, actually…" he said, "I'm sure there are some strings I can pull, something I can do… And even if there aren't, I'm a lot more cunning than most realize. I'm sure we could set up an "accident" or something."
The ginger suddenly sat up and pressed his lips to Cyrus’s in a chaste kiss, wrapping his free arm around the other’s neck.
“We’re really fucked up aren’t we…?” He asked softly, sniffling as tears welled in his eyes. “Please. I need help with my side. I’m sorry I’m so weak… I can’t kill him. I can’t do it. I’m too scared.”
"I will absolutely help you," Cyrus promised, "Whatever it takes. I only fear what he could do to you."
He wiped a tear from Marcus' face.
"It's going to get better for you, okay? I'll do absolutely everything in my power to make sure it does."
“Thank you… thank you Cy. I can’t do this….” Marcus bit his lip, looking over his lovers face and feeling a pang if guilt rise in his stomach.” But what about you…?” He sniffled, suddenly feeling like he was ignoring Cyrus’s feelings.
Marcus felt like he was going through a whirlwind of emotions and couldn’t figure them out at all. He was worried for Cyrus, scared of Marx, worried about himself, afraid of the future, afraid of the past. He didn’t know how to sort it and it was starting to stress him out.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” He growled, shaking his head. “I don’t like thinking…” he said quietly, trying to push it off like a joke. “Emotions are hard.”
"Marcus, you have every right to feel whatever you're feeling, " Cyrus started, "But me? What about me? I drew a gun on Marx. I don't have any qualms with killing his ass. I'm- I'm not okay, but I think I'm managing. After all, I don't have much farther to push for my own freedom."
"I don't understand what I'm feeling." He murmured so quietly it almost couldn't be heard.
"I'm worried about you too, even while I'm scared. You're the first good thing to ever happen to me. I like having you around and loving you and and I don't want to lose you. I also don't want to forget about your feelings."
"It's hard to handle two people's feelings at once. You can pick mine back up when you have the capacity," Cyrus soothed, "It's completely normal to be afraid of losing me, but I'm legitimately so close to finding a way out. Things are maybe taking a turn for the better."
"I hope they are… I want things to get better." Marcus sighed softly, nuzzling into the other's neck. "But can I really focus on my own feelings? I-is that really okay? It feels wrong… I'm not supposed to think about my own emotions. Mine don't matter in a relationship. It's my partner's that do." By the end of his words it sounded like he was chiding himself, possibly for breaking a rule that Marx set in place.
"Yes," Cyrus replied, "I know you come from a place of abusive relationships and all that. But know it's perfectly okay. Both parties in a relationship should be happy, and able to share their feelings freely."
Cyrus smiled a bit.
"And if you don't believe that as a general rule, the rules are different here. I want you to take care of yourself and focus on your own emotional state when you need. We're equals, Marcus. For me to take that from you would be… God, I don't know how you deal with it."
“Equals…” he echoed, a little overwhelmed by how much more free he was with Cyrus. He knew Cy wasn’t like Marx but he didn’t know that the rules for a relationship were different. Most of the time his sexual partners held the same rules Marx did, some even more strict than the gang leader was.
It was a relief to finally be with someone he didn’t have to tread carefully around.
“I don’t think I’ve ever had it.” He admitted, looking up at Cy and smiling at a little when their eyes met. “I don’t deal with it, but only because I don’t know any other way and so I assume it’s the only way.”
Cyrus stroked Marcus' hair.
"Yeah, I get what you're saying. But you're with me now. You're completely free to be yourself, and free to love how you want."
He kissed the other.
"And don't feel afraid to ask anything of me. Communication is very important to me."
Marcus beamed, looking down to try and hide the blush that dusted his cheeks.
“I love you a lot Cy… thank you. I’ll communicate. I promise I’ll try my best.”
"Thanks, love," Cyrus replied, "I know it can be hard, but sharing our feelings will definitely make things go smoother for both of us. And if you have trouble communicating, I promise I won't be mad or anything. I know it might be a little difficult for you, all things considered."
Marcus nodded gently, giving the other a soft kiss. “I’ll try really hard, I promise. There’s still going to be things that I won’t be able to do, a lot of things actually. I have bad habits and mindsets that have stuck pretty good.”
"And that's fine," Cyrus soothed, "I've got bad habits and stuff too. I'm far from perfect. But we're working through all of this together. As long as we both understand it's a work in progress and help each other, we'll be fine. I promise."