(Eww school XD I'm kidding It's actually pretty fun. I have four classes online and two in person but one of those online is a lab so ya know, that's easy enough.
Marcus's hands slid down to tangle into Cyrus's shirt. He refused to open his eyes, instead hugging the other closer.
"I'm sorry… It's the cowards way out I know! I just… I can't go back to him, Cy… I can't do it again… I'll promise you I'll try my best and I'll live for you, but I can't go back to Marx." Marcus felt a deep sense of… shame? Unease? Worry? He couldn't quite place it.
"I want to live and I'm trying so hard to get rid of those thoughts but its so hard…"
(Lucky for me, I'm getting into the fun classes- and they'll help me with work, which is cool. But it's only a matter of time before we get Covid cases on campus, despite all the measures to protect us. I'm just worried about us having to move 100% online again, especially since I'll be working in my college town, not my hometown, and I might end up without a place to stay there.)
"It's not about… being a coward's way out," Cyrus tried to explain, "And like… don't feel bad for being suicidal, b-but… God, I'm being so unfair to you."
He let out a deep sigh into Marcus' shoulder.
"Don't be afraid to open up to me about it in the future because you think it'll make me mad or upset, okay? It just hits close to home, you know? I would never wish the same on you."
He took a deep breath.
"I think… plan B… is to run away as far as we can, as fast as we can, and remake our identities. That's the best I've got right now."
(Good! And as for the Covid cases, it'll happen. AND THE SAME THING MIGHT HAPPEN TO ME! I'm lucky enough my college town is only an hour forty from my home town so hopefully my parents will be understanding enough to help me out while I figure out where to live. if not, rip my life.)
Marcus didn't reply for a moment, resting his head against his lover's. Eventually he turned his head, pressing a soft kiss to Cyrus's head and letting out a sad sigh.
"I like your plan B. Thank you… I'll try my best from now on to talk about the future with you. It scares me a lot, but I'll try."
And he really did mean that. Marcus was grasping at straws at this point. He felt trapped in his mind, in his life.
Cyrus provided new escapes, new paths to go on.
"We could run away to Europe, you know? Go to Italy or Rome or somewhere pretty like that."
(Yeah, I'm 2 hours away from my hometown, but I also have family living 45 minutes away from college. Don't know how exactly it would work though. But I'm going to working for the public health department there, which is honestly the coolest thing that's happened to me since I started college lmao. Covid sucks, but it got me a job ig.)
"My mom's family was from Italy," Cyrus said softly, "That'd be pretty cool, you know. Even if we do get out of this someday, we ought to visit."
He ran a hand through Marcus' hair.
"But yeah, once we're able to, we should get you into therapy. No one deserves to have the kinds of thoughts you're having. I will try my best to help in the meantime, but I can only do so much. Know I'll support you no matter what, though."
(That's amazing! I bet it'll be super good for learning experience and the likes! Plus it'll be tons of fun. I've heard public health departments are a blast to work at. My mother worked for the one in my hometown for a long time and loved it. I have yet to find a job but it also doesn't help I'm going into Clinical Mental Health in a city that has like -4000 therapists around XD
"I didn't know you had an Italian bloodline," Marcus pulled away slightly to look Cyrus in the face. "It would make sense, as you're absolutely gorgeous and Italy always is full of handsome and pretty things." He teased lightly, trying to help the mood lighten.
He didn't exactly want to get a therapist and talk with a stranger but he knew he would have to. He knew he needed help. And a lot of it from someone professional.
"We should… Hell knows I need it. But thank you again… you've been nothing but kind to me. You've given me more than just love and happiness and for that I'm grateful."
(That's really cool though! I'm actually picking up a minor in psychology myself. I don't have time for a double major, but it's still super interesting.)
Cyrus smiled.
"Of course," he said, "You know, I need it too, and it's okay. It's not easy to reach out to strangers, but a therapist will give us a lot of confidentiality."
"I'm glad I actually make you feel somewhat better. I'm always worried I might say something wrong and mess everything up… I mean, that feels like something I'm good at."
(It’s so fascinating to me! The brain is so weird and behavior is so predictable but unpredictable at the same time is just all so mysterious and fun! I was going to double major but I can’t exactly afford double the classes 😂)
“It… it will be good for us both. I’m just scared a therapist might throw me in jail for everything I’ve done…..” he murmured, shivering.
“You do make me feel much better, Cy, don’t put yourself down.” Marcus cupped the others face and kissed him softly. “Don’t say that. You’re perfectly alright and I love you for you.”
"I seriously doubt it. They don't put people in jail for doing drugs. As long as you don't pose a future danger to anyone else, you'll be fine. Besides, you were forced into it."
Cyrus folded his hands.
"Yeah. I-I know that in my head. I just have a hard time believing I do much right because of my dad. I'm trying to break that mindset… It just feels gross putting myself down when talking to you. Like I'm being selfish and just trying to fish for compliments or attention. I don't think I am, but still…"
“I guess that is true…” he murmured softly, tilting his head and looking up at Cyrus with a soft, loving gaze.
“You’re not fishing for compliments, love. I know you’re not. You’ve been through a lot too, you deserve love ya know?”
Cyrus nodded.
"I appreciate the support so much. You know that, right?"
He closed his eyes and let out a sigh.
(Sorry! College stuff had gotten me swamped!)
“Of course I do, though it is nice to hear it.” He teased quietly, his eyes locked on Cyrus’s face.
He smiled softly at the sigh, finding the sound a little cute despite the context of it.
“I like you a lot Cy…” he murmured, pressing his head against the other’s neck.
“You can come to me with anything and I’ll do my best to help.”
(It's all good! I'm probably about to be hit with the same lol. I move back in a week.)
"Thanks, love," Cyrus replied, "I promise the same to you."
He brushed a hand through Marcus' hair.
Taking a deep breath, he murmured, "I can do this. It's time for me to stand up to that crusty old man."
(Oh same! Next Wednesday actually. It’s a lot of work, isn’t it?!)
Marcus peppered soft kisses across Cyrus’s face and throat, humming softly at the others words.
“You can do it. You’re strong and your own person.”
(Yeah, it's a lot lol. I already have a lot going on this week as it is, not even counting school. Although I think I've got the hang of moving into college by now- you know, minus having to get covid tested before moving in.)
"Although, stand up doesn't usually mean 'murder.' Violence is rarely the answer, partially because it does invite retaliation."
Cyrus shook his head.
"But what can I do? I've already committed to what I'm about to do."
(Oh yeah. I’m not looking forward to the COVID testing. I know it’s good to do and all that but having something shoved down your nose doesn’t sound very appealing.)
“Is there anything else we could do?” Marcus asked quietly, his eyes turning to stare at his own arms. “I-I really don’t want to leave the country but if that’s what we need to do then I can suck it up.”
(I had one done earlier this summer and it wasn't too bad. Kinda gross, but could be worse.)
"I'm not backing out at this point, but if things go wrong… then maybe," he replied, "I have to at least try. I'm sure I'll be saving more than just myself."
(Ah that’s good to hear then. I’m glad they’re doing the tests tho. Makes me feel a little safer ya know?)
“You’d probably be saving a lot of people.” Marcus fell silent for a moment, thinking of Marx and who he’d save if he got rid of the man. He’d be saving a lot of people from not only death but huge amounts of trauma.
He shuddered as he recalled the rough hands and tight ropes, the knives digging into the flesh of his thighs and the bite marks that never seemed to heal.
(For sure. Except when our student athletes- football players, that is- came in a little over a week ago, they had a positivity rate of over 10%. So uh… yikes.)
"I think the whole idea that this might make a difference to someone else is what keeps me from giving in altogether," Cyrus continued, "If it was just me… I may have found a way out much sooner."
(10%!? HOLY CRAP! Stay safe, alright! Remember that your health is more important than a class. If you don’t feel safe then make sure you take care of yourself, got it?)
Marcus shuddered at the words, nodding his agreement to them.
He would have offed himself a long time ago if he knew Marx wouldn’t find another plaything.
Marcus couldn’t let anyone else experience the roughness and trauma that was Marx.
He wouldn’t allow it.
He never let Marx touch another in the same way that he touched Marcus.
“I understand that, Cy.” He pressed a soft kiss to the other’s nose. “It’s going to be rough but I think we can do it. We can escape.”
(Yeah, it's not great, but I'll have to make do bc I can't exactly take a semester off. I think I might be safer at school than at home though, because at least I can hold my roommates accountable because we're part of one small friend group that's agreed to isolate together, outside of class.)
"Let's do it, then," Cyrus murmured, "This stops now. I'm done with it."
His voice had a strange ring to it there- it wasn't quite determined, but actually took on a rather dark and fragile air.
He might actually break if he had to deal with all of this much longer. As if he wasn't already shattered.
(Taking a semester off is definitely not a good idea aha. Make sure you take care of yourself, okay? stay safe!! Use a mask and wash your hands regularly, please. I don’t want to see you sick)
The darkness to his tone brought a slight alarm in his brain but he ignored it, knowing fully that Cyrus was ready to be free and deserved to be so.
Marcus was willing to stand with him even if it killed him.
Cyrus was kind and safe and yet he could be dangerous in his own way.
It was part of the reason that Marcus loved him so mich.
(Yeah, for sure! It'd be kinda ironic if I got sick, because my job is literally calling people with covid diagnoses and getting contacts/going over isolation process with them/etc.)
"What are you going to be doing tomorrow?" Cyrus asked, trying to distract himself from the feelings of worry and doom that scratched at the back of his mind.
He tilted his head a bit, leaning into Marcus a bit more.
(That would be extremely ironic. That’s a cool job though! Do you like it?)
“Tomorrow?” He echoed, his eyes going wide. He really didn’t know. He never really did plan ahead, especially when he had a mission for the gang.
He didn’t want to have plans just in case he died.
“I don’t know. I don’t really think about tomorrow’s, I just kinda decide when I wake up or Marx tells me to do something.” He slid his fingers into Cyrus’s hair, playing with the soft strands.
“Are you open tomorrow? We could go out on a date, just us. A day to relax before everything happens.”
(I'm still finishing up training before I move back into the town I'm working from. Haven't actually done any work yet. Hopefully I will, though.)
"That sounds good. If you're not busy…" Cyrus replied, "I was mostly just curious, though. Like if you had any work to do or anything. Though a bit of distraction might be nice before everything."
(I hope you will too! Good luck with that!)
“Marx hasn’t called for me since he came to the apartment…” he murmured, a slight fear in his tone.
“So I should be good. Knowing him he’ll ask me to do something next week when he’s cooled off. So I’m open.”
(Thanks!)
"Oh… is he still pissed about… me?" Cyrus murmured, "Is my presence here unsafe for you?"
He kept a hand on Marcus' face.
"Hopefully he won't be around to call you to a mission next week."
(Np! Np!)
Marcus leaned into the touch a little more, his eyes lidding over.
"Not for now. As far as he knows, you and I are working together on that hit you were assigned. He'll be pissed that I've spent so much time with you, but hopefully by the time he cools off he'll be… gone." He murmured, shivering lightly.
"As long as he goes away by next week, I'll be safe from him. No… er… no more… getting bedded by him…"
"You don't think he has suspicions? About us?" Cyrus asked, a bit surprised, "If not, that's a relief. He would see me as a threat to his power over you, I think. And that's bad news for both of us."
He bit his lip.
"And if you can't work out how to get rid of him, I promise I will. Your safety and dignity is worth it."
"I think he has plenty of suspicions. But Marx works things out. He doesn't go all in right away. He's cold and calculative, and thinks before he makes a move. Even if he is suspicious, he's smart enough to wait until I feel safe and then humiliate and harm me. He knows it hurts more…"
Marcus shifted uncomfortably but didn't move away from Cy, instead slipping closer, if that was even possible.
"Thank you. But I really don't want you to be overwhelmed by it all. You already have your father to deal with."
"Once I've dealt with him, though, I can focus all my efforts on helping you," Cyrus replied, "You're getting out of this. I promise."
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