forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?

Started July 06, 2019 by @ninja_violinist

tune

…. I'm back?
sorry for being MIA for so long! I moved countries and then we slid right back into a local lockdown, which you would think would give me more time to be online? but ¯_(ツ)_/¯ here we are I guess

all that being said, I'd also encourage submitting writing if you can work up the courage! it's a great opportunity to challenge yourself and for others to engage with your work. And not to be That Person but being able to point to a publication and say "look what I did!!" can be a source of external validation if you're trying to justify decisions to yourself/parents/anyone really. At least it makes you feel ~professional~

as for what y'all posted while I was gone - I stand by what I said earlier. y'all are writing legends and I felt personally attacked when I reached the end and realised I don't get to find out what happens next
I still don't have much time/energy for intricate feedback, unfortunately, so please accept my humble semi-incoherent notes as tribute to your greatness (fun fact: most feedback starts out like this, I just usually go through it again and make it functional):

nicky shows up
A+ setting up the scene, figuring out which lil details to focus on to make it vivid.
odd wording "shadows would be in full force"?
Ahh this legend! great characterisation, good intro to Caroline. my foolish history heart cries authorship and context but that's not the point
odd wording sentence "Catori, to whom this…"?
If this is Catori limited pov (is it? not entirely sure tbh) then odd choice to mention her eye colour since she doesn't see herself?
…. but what does GFA stand for
odd wording "the colours stuck to"?
Caroline does not mess around eh
"none of us even know" maybe neither instead of none?

lmao ig yeah it's tragic
second sentence a bit long, possible loss of focus?
"covered up" is he wearing contacts?
so she says she "gets where she's coming from" but then three paragraphs later it's "I don't get why hockey is such a big thing for her"?
her attitude to this is so… matter of fact. like hey wow doesn't my life kinda such eh? very nice characterisation there

crocs do be inspiring me
this is peak nitpick but it sounds like he's describing a political entity in which case it's the UK not Britain. silly distinction, no one cares really, but eh
:( his struggles make me real sad ok
some American slang/phrases? could be a deliberate character voice thing ig
is it called a "spout" of curiosity? or "bout"?
"hurting enough" ok did you have to come for my heart like this
"cracked" prince? interesting choice. my heart. long sentence here, danger loss of focus?

Kora Diary
it's been a few sentences and I'm already living for the chaotic apathy
form journal entry! careful: all I'm reading is through filter of character deliberately writing it out
"of the, what was it? oh, yes, the Kehara" - interesting choice that she would write that process down? seems like if you're writing and can't think of something you would just stop writing until you think of it?
oooh very meta "why am I putting background info"
"tormenting" word choice?
wording "had plummeted her public opinion on its own" - implies that the public opinion belongs specifically to her, as opposed to public opinion of her
characterisation is still A+

image: "Dusk" by Ewan Rose

music: "On My Way" by Phil Collins

word prompt: from "The Listeners" by Walter de la Mare

“Tell them I came, and no one answered,
That I kept my word,” he said.
Never the least stir made the listeners,
Though every word he spake
Fell echoing through the shadowiness of the still house
From the one man left awake

crocs do be inspiring me
this is peak nitpick but it sounds like he's describing a political entity in which case it's the UK not Britain. silly distinction, no one cares really, but eh
:( his struggles make me real sad ok
some American slang/phrases? could be a deliberate character voice thing ig
is it called a "spout" of curiosity? or "bout"?
"hurting enough" ok did you have to come for my heart like this
"cracked" prince? interesting choice. my heart. long sentence here, danger loss of focus?

I am but a simple American out in the sticks ghfjg. I'm not fluent in English slang and whatnot lmao
I have no idea if it's spout or bout, because i can't find a single answer from google
beyond that, i am glad i came for your heart muahahahaha

Kora Diary
it's been a few sentences and I'm already living for the chaotic apathy
form journal entry! careful: all I'm reading is through filter of character deliberately writing it out
"of the, what was it? oh, yes, the Kehara" - interesting choice that she would write that process down? seems like if you're writing and can't think of something you would just stop writing until you think of it?
oooh very meta "why am I putting background info"
"tormenting" word choice?
wording "had plummeted her public opinion on its own" - implies that the public opinion belongs specifically to her, as opposed to public opinion of her
characterisation is still A+

one thing to know about kora is that she monologues, even in writing. so whatever she's thinking, she's writing. and it's also to mock the nature of her assignment. there's also some things that she usually wouldn't put, like background, because it's a school assignment and my teacher made requirements, so it was blegh. you won't be getting the rest because it's a lot and i got bored really quickly

nicky shows up
A+ setting up the scene, figuring out which lil details to focus on to make it vivid.
odd wording "shadows would be in full force"?
Ahh this legend! great characterisation, good intro to Caroline. my foolish history heart cries authorship and context but that's not the point
odd wording sentence "Catori, to whom this…"?
If this is Catori limited pov (is it? not entirely sure tbh) then odd choice to mention her eye colour since she doesn't see herself?
…. but what does GFA stand for
odd wording "the colours stuck to"?
Caroline does not mess around eh
"none of us even know" maybe neither instead of none?

lmao ig yeah it's tragic
second sentence a bit long, possible loss of focus?
"covered up" is he wearing contacts?
so she says she "gets where she's coming from" but then three paragraphs later it's "I don't get why hockey is such a big thing for her"?
her attitude to this is so… matter of fact. like hey wow doesn't my life kinda such eh? very nice characterisation there

big yes on submissions you have it down exactly lmao

i'm obviously incredibly smart and a genius, what exactly do you mean when mentioning caroline explaining the myth? also yes she does not fuck around lmao. she's incredibly straight to the point, why bullshit around, and also tact doesn't exist if she's dealing with people her age and i can't wait to write about that being an issue

fair point on the various grammar bits, and i changed the 'colors stuck on' to 'the colors were a' cause it fits better. and gfa stands for ghost fuckers anonymous, obviously

which one seems like a loss of focus? because it probably is but i'm curious

yes he is

uuuhhh fair point, on the confusion, but also consider. she's a teenager who's mom wont let her do things she wants to

and thanks! i think fhdfhv. she gets that way when she's been over the same ramble in her head a million times and has worked everything out

(VIDEO NOT AVAILABLE?! NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!)

NOOOOOO
(it's even more tragic bc it's Phil Collins!!! how dare Youtube!! try this one?)

i'm obviously incredibly smart and a genius, what exactly do you mean when mentioning caroline explaining the myth? also yes she does not fuck around lmao. she's incredibly straight to the point, why bullshit around, and also tact doesn't exist if she's dealing with people her age and i can't wait to write about that being an issue

ah, you're right, of course! former gifted kid rights eh
It's just me being dumb about history, tbh. People often interpret myths based on the story alone, which is valid? but it forgets that those myths were written down by someone who lived in a specific context that they were influenced by. (it's not necessarily that that person came up with the myth, but the act of writing it down means they choose which parts to tell and how. Think fairy tales - there are so many different versions of Red Riding Hood, and that's cool, but it absolutely changes the story depending on who tells it.)

So in the case of defending Athena, that's fine? Valid literary interpretation? but for this myth, the most elaborate version we have was written down by Ovid (? I think? I'm not a classicist so don't quote me too closely) who was basically the punk of his time and interested in portraying the gods as capricious, unfair, and wilfully messing around with humans. He definitely didn't like Athena and wasn't interested in making her out to be nice. So the defense of Athena is because we want to like her on a literary level, or because we want women's solidarity, not necessarily because the material for the defense is there in this text. Interpreting the myth like this is an active retelling and reshaping, which is cool!! just. makes my history heart ache a lil bit if people conflate this retroactive recasting with the specific historical myth as such.

that all being said this has absolutely nothing to do with Caroline or your writing and what you've got there is totally fine! I'm just being petty.

and gfa stands for ghost fuckers anonymous, obviously

iconic

which one seems like a loss of focus? because it probably is but i'm curious

so it turns out I straight up didn't see a period that was very much there? so I thought your second paragraph was all one sentence. but you're fine haha

Sure thing! would be cool if you could share a document or a google doc so we don't have to scroll for a long time, but that sounds awesome!

we need permission to view it babe

this seems cool

Hi! I haven't shared something here in a while but I have a poem that I'm fairly proud of, so I figured I'd share it.

Yesterday’s World

In another chapter
When I was a little girl
In a uniform skirt
And a sneakers I had
Tied all by myself
I ran and jumped and played
With my friends, the smell
Of hot rubber and asphalt
Accompanying our adventures
Through space and through time
Our tiny imaginations
Kicking into overtime
We were secret agents
And fairies in a wood
But these moments must
Come to an end.
So I sit in my little chair
Ready to learn.
The coolness of the classroom
Made goosebumps appear on
My sun-brushed skin.
I could still identify that smell today
I don’t know if I’ll ever forget it.
When the bell finally rings,
We wave goodbye. The promise
To do it all again tomorrow
Passes around and satisfies us
The way only chocolate when you’re
Craving something sweet can.

"The promise
To do it all again tomorrow
Passes around and satisfies us
The way only chocolate when you’re
Craving something sweet can."

"We were secret agents
And fairies in a wood"

okay i love these, love this so much in general. it does a great job capturing that kind of nostalgic look at the transition into schooling, which is great 10/10

the sudden use of punctuation at the end kinda tripped me up, but–and i dont know if this was intentional or not–it almost kind of fits. like the beginning part is about kids, its that pre-scholastic learning environment, and then as you start to get into the second part it's got the punctuation kids would be learning soon. which is actually super cool.

couple typos, as a side note, but i love it!

oh wow you're so right about the typos thats embarrassing

The punctuation was kind of intentional. I wanted the beginning part to flow without a lot of interruption, and then I wanted the rest of it to have certain "stopping points". I like your explanation a lot more tho lol

Thank you so much!!!

fhfdg you're good, we all do it(me way too often)

oh that makes sense!

@LittleRiver
hey, so fair warning that this bit of feedback is obnoxiously long. I've tried to stay brief, but the chapter is 18 pages so. you know. it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the writing at all - in fact I really really love it and am super invested in what's going on!! there's just a lot of text which gives me a lot of specific details to obsess over haha
I'm very much here for the writing style!! it's reflective and very descriptive, which fits both the sombre tone and Hitch's overall vibe! It definitely adds a lot to both the characterisation and the worldbuilding which, again, is super cool to me.
one thing that comes with using a lot of very specific words is that you sometimes don't use them quite properly? it's a totally normal consequence, especially when it's because of homonyms, but I figured I'd point em out:
"dire" means urgent and I'm not sure that's what you're trying to say here? when you say "urbanity" you're either talking about the politeness of cities or the 'citiness' ("urban" just means "related to towns or cities) of cities and I'm not sure either applies. I think it's "utopia" instead of "eutopia". "alighting" means descending from somewhere and settling, not setting something on fire. It's either "tomorrow" or "the morrow" but not just "morrow". ravishly isn't a word that I know of, and "ravish" is about kidnapping, rape, or filling with intense delight, none of which I think apply here. "stagnant" is usually used for pools of water that have no current? or it has a rather severe negative connotation of laziness, which I'm also not sure you mean to imply here. and this may just be my lack of English skills, but "strike of guilt" doesn't sound quite right to me? idk
beyond those lil hiccups, something I also noticed about the style is that it's easy to be repetitive or say things more elaborately than necessary. For example, you use the word "eye" or "eyes" 29 times in the text; or "the name of it" instead of "its name"; or "disgruntled… twisted into a dissatisfied grimace" where we essentially have three different ways to know that he's not happy (disgruntled, dissatisfied, and the twisting grimace). Not that there's anything wrong with elaboration or repetition! I think it's just a matter of estimating where it's most effective and necessary. In excess, it can sometimes have the consequence that you have a lot of relatively long sentences follow each other, which can overwhelm the reader and hamper the flow.
I ran this through the fancy document analysis feature and found that your average sentence is about 12 words long. You've got two major chunks in the chapter where the vast majority of sentences are 12 words or longer, with similar structures, which might benefit from a bit more varied structure peppered throughout. Those bits are from Although now to flattened heart and Without another word to couldn't help but love and hate. Sentence structure can be a great way of regulating the flow of information - making sure causes follow effects, or putting emphasis on important points by putting them in key spaces. And this is just a lil thing but I noticed that sometimes you forget to have a main verb in a sentence? I had examples but I lost them lmao. just keep an eye out for that I guess.
I technically have a few more notes, but this is already long enough, so I'll cap it for now. sorry if this comes across as particularly harsh or anything - again, it's only because there's so much to talk about here and I have a lot to say about many things. I really love the overall chapter, I think the worldbuilding is sprinkled in excellently and leaves a lot of mystery open! thank you so much for letting me read it!! (and let me know if this volume of feedback is overbearing haha)

@Moxie ahhh that's so?? sweet?? wistful?? nostalgic?? I'm absolutely here for the way it kind of builds up on itself - with the punctuation like crocs pointed out, but also with longer phrases and words towards the end compared to more simple language earlier.
favourite line: we were secret agents/ and fairies in a wood
I did notice a small tense thing? "the coolness of the classroom/ Made goosebumps appear" that's in past tense even though it seems like the rest of the section is in present? idk it's not necessarily wrong, just slightly ambiguous.
and I wonder if there's something slightly awkward about ending on the verb in the last line? I see the appeal, since it kind of returns the focus to the chocolate instead of the craving, but it sounds a bit odd to my ears idk.
either way, this was lovely and I really enjoyed it!! thank you so much for sharing!!

prompts!

music: "Stoick's Ship" by John Powell

image: "Aule and Yavanna" by zi-pa

word prompt: from Footnotes to the Book of the Setback by Nizar Qabbani

Our shouting is louder than our actions,
Our swords are taller than us,
This is our tragedy.

i'm alive, i swear. just caught up in a bunch of different writing responsibilities lmao. also has anyone here read cemetery boys yet? i missed the preorder but got it super early, and finally read it, and am frankly kind of in love

The righteous wear their hearts on their sleeves,
Self-made martyrs with poems and speeches on hand,
Rousing crowds with a battle cry.
Their words are louder than actions,
When that’s all the world expects from them.

Young kids carry the weight of the world with them,
Too-tall pens like swords in their hands,
Call for action with their words.
They’re soldiers in a war too old for them,
Mouths carrying baby teeth calling injustice.

At what point do you recognize the buildings of an army
In your children?
At what point does your inaction become reaction?
Why are kids fighting a war you started,
Picking up the messy pieces of
Fought against change?

We, the righteous,
Children taking a stand for their own promised land,
Doing everything they can to fix it.
The future we’re living for is bleak,
But the fire in our eyes burns too bright to let it die.

(Thanks so much @ninja_violinist! The feedback really helps. And, it’s alright to be harsh. I know there are … more than a few dramatic ways for my writing to improve. :)

ah phew I'm glad! the thing is just. I usually like to point out ways in which your writing is dramatically good already (and it is!!), I just didn't take the time with this one yesterday. I feel like pointing out what works is just as important as what doesn't when giving out feedback, so it frustrates me when I don't do that enough haha
so just know that your sense of atmosphere is genuinely top tier, the language choices really do work well most of the time, and the imagery and dialogue and hints of backstory add up to this really cool "fantasy but something's very unsettled" vibe. So much of what you're doing is already excellent and you should absolutely be proud of that

okay so long story short the poetry board decided to do a little exercise and we were supposed to pick a poem different from our normal writing. and then write something inspired by it. and uh moxie's honestly seemed the most fun to try and write like, and i loved the concept of switching from kid memories to adult memories, though i definitely got off track and did something way different. anyway, i hope it was okay for me to write something inspired by your work, mox! here y'all go

The taste of
Adventure lingers with me
And my fingers still
Play the melodies of
Children’s songs
I learned to sing
Before grade school.
I learned to speak
Too early and haven’t stopped
Since then
And I don’t think
I ever really got the
Concept of run on sentences down
Because everything I say seems
Too much.
They tell you it gets better with age,
And still I find myself
Drowning in a love for words.
At what age did they mean?
Maybe I missed the mark
And maybe I’m still grasping
For it and still,
I add another comma,
And I feel a little pretentious.
Or maybe I just
Have too much to say.

SAGE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME EMOTIONAL
I mean my poem was for my class and already based off of a different poem, so its totally fine. This is like poetry telephone

It's really cool to see something from you that's so different from your normal style.
I really like this. I was gonna choose my favorite line but I kept finding a different favorite line. So I'm just gonna share a few.

"The taste of
Adventure lingers with me"
I like this. I like how you gave something that doesn't have a taste a taste.

"I learned to speak
Too early and haven’t stopped
Since then"
I like the flow of these lines and where you chose to break them.

"And still I find myself
Drowning in a love for words."
Beautiful.

"Maybe I missed the mark
And maybe I’m still grasping
For it and still,
I add another comma,"
I don't know why but I love these lines so much

"Or maybe I just
Have too much to say."
Super good ending.

Yeah so I loved this

gdfdf you're emotional? you've got me on the verge of crying dfjhdfh

i'm so glad you like it though, it was so fun to step out of my comfort style and try something new, and now i want to write a million things in different styles. like, kate(our board leader) found this thing called graph poetry and it looks so cool

ychchch looks like we're back to "ninja can't do time managament" days where I pop in a week late with no good explanation
sorry guys

@crocs-to-a-knife-fight
first one:
ok so I really love this?? it's got this kind of aggressive, increasingly personal "we're out here fighting to fix your mess and how dare you leave it to us" vibe which I feel a lot of people can relate to these days. and you use just the right kind of language to get that across (especially how it starts out with "they" and ends up using "we" and "you", that's The Good Stuff). I noticed that each phrase tends to be relatively short, and linebreaks often coincide with punctuation, so the parts where you do have enjambment ("in your children" and "fought against change") stand out even more in contrast.
favourite line: so many of them? but "The future we're living for is bleak/ But the fire in our eyes burns too bright to let it die" really slaps
I only noticed a few small things that feel odd to me? and that doesn't have to be a bad thing, sometimes oddness is deliberate and effective, but I just figured I'd point them out:
"too-tall pens" - I wouldn't usually connect that adjective with "pen"?
"mouths carrying baby teeth calling injustice" - "carrying" feels like quite a deliberate action for something as passive as having baby teeth, if that makes sense?
"the buildings of an army" - this is just me but I had to read that twice to realise we didn't mean buildings as in house. maybe "buddings of an army" would avoid that confusion?
"Picking up the messy pieces of/ Fought against change" - at first I thought there was a line in between that I was missing here? but I guess "fought against" is a description of the kind of change that we're picking up the pieces of (if I'm getting that right?) so that could be worded more clearly to avoid confusion, but it's not a major thing

second one:
!!!! I really love it!! playing with enjambment makes me so happy to see and it's super clever to connect it with the content of run-on sentences! the last line is honestly genius and I love it so much.
if I were being picky I'd wonder about how the first 7 lines seem a bit disconnected from the rest of the poem? but honestly they're a very nice set up for the tone of what's to come. so idk. make of that what you will - mainly I just don't have much to say in the way of critique haha
Moxie really said it all, I think! super well done!!

(and graph poetry sounds so cool? google's being a bit of a jerk with this one so I'd love to hear more about it if you end up doing it!)

for the pen line, it was actually supposed to connect with the likening to swords. like, imagery wise, children with swords way too big for them? kinda commenting on the fact that they're way too young to have to do this. any ideas for how to get that across better?

also fdhdfh yeah i know it's disconnected. i'm the worst at staying on track, and i'll have an idea but then have a new one mid way and decide they're going together now

i don't think i ever could lmao, it seems super confusing. but i messaged one of the girls who's also on the board, to see if she wrote the poet's name down so i can share!

ahh I see what you mean!! that does make a lot of sense!
my empty head can only think of "oversized" but that's pretty basic? or perhaps you could go the roundabout way and pick out a negative description that applies to both swords and pens to kinda connect that a) pen is like sword and b) kid should not be holding either. if that makes sense?
(so this is a bad example, but something like "sharpened pens like swords in their hands"? or something like "hefty" or "clunky"? idk it sounded cooler in my head haha)

and yeah, I'd love to get the name if she can find it! thank you so much!