forum Let's go chapter by chapter....

Started May 16, 2020 by @SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

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@Kyomi_naidesu take all the time you need. its no rush really :)

Well, I'm feeling pressingly sad today. So I'll use this as a distraction. Do forgive me if at some points I falter with something or fail to understand. Don't be afraid to tell me! :)

Chapter 8 (part one, but I don't have the brainpower to do it all right now):

• First sentence of the chapter and I'm already lost. Was Peter's chapter just a flashback or what? His life flashing before his eyes? I'm so confused. It went from talking about how Fala saved his life to her stabbing him. Definitely try to clear this up, because I'm sure it'll confuse people other than me.
• I know this will sound like nitpicking, but "he said before dying" is… uh. Kinda bland to be honest. Try to describe his body movements in his final moments did he shiver, tense up, look around? I know he gave her his star, but at least describe what his body looked like once he finally died. As in, was it visible that he loosen up or something?
• From personal experience, I don't recall people so much stuttering with their final words as much as the do take sharp inhales between it. Mostly due to pain and if they're sad or scared, their words will come out very hoarse due to the throat feeling like it's closing when you cry.
• That being said, describe Peter's countenance.
• This time, I cannot excuse this as a slip of the finger. Watch your tense. Right after Fala said, "Urdir, I am no queen!" you switched to the present tense. Gave me extreme whiplash, my guy.
• The whole confession of love thing is cute and all, but I feel like it switched the focus too much. Like, was Lux (love the name btw) even still working to quell Fala's bleeding, because that was very unclear to me. Especially when it said he crossed his arms. So did he finish it, or..?
• After she says the whole "I am Fala [blah blah blah]" thing, it has not much transition other than the words, "that night". It feels like the scene of confessions was so focused on that it was slightly lost what they went into the castle for. There wasn't even the slightest mention that Lux finished quelling the bleed or that they all dispersed.
• That being said, you're killing me, man. Is this supposed to be in past or present tense? Because I'm feeling like it might be present, but I just don't know?
• Make it a little clearer when she starts reading the journal. It confused me at first. And someone with a similar mind to myself would probably get confused too.

I'll be back later to finish this chapter's critique.