forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?
Started by @ninja_violinist
tune

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@ElderGod-Icefire

icefire: this one was absolutely heart-wrenching, and i both hated and loved that. you did really well with conveying the emotion in each line, and i honestly felt like i was really getting to know artemis. this line:

"There my innocence was slaughtered, a
sacrifice to an uncaring god."

was one of my favorites. it really is beautiful, and the metaphor(or possible truth, for all i know when it comes to characters), is insane. there was one problem i had, though, with it, and that was probably just how much information you gave us. literal poems are great, very much so, but you might have included just a bit more life story facts in their plain form in there than necessary. however, that's a pretty easy thing to fix if you want to, with just a little bit of editing!

Aww thank you!! Yeah I love that line too, tbh. It's not literal, it's metaphorical. Yeah, on reread there is a lot of excess information, which I may cut down on later. Thank you!!

@ElderGod-kirky group

Couldn't finish the one I was working on a while ago, but I just wrote a thing and, yeah, here ya go.

Fallen Hero

“Toni, we shouldn’t be here.”

The sharp-eyed boy cut a glare over at me, and I wanted to shrink beneath his gaze, but I was the leader, I was the one that condoned this secret mission.

I shouldn’t have caved.

“Well, we’re here, so what’s the point in turning back now?” Antonio scoffed, twirling his axes between his fingers. The ghastly green glow emitting from his skin cast an eerie light over the carved faces of rock, mixing with the other colors. My pale skin remained dull, only washed in the rainbow of colors from my companions.

I shouldn’t be their leader.

“If something happens to any of us, Toni, how are we supposed to explain that?” I shot back. He didn’t like that. His green eyes narrowed even further. The sight reminded me of a snake.

“Nothing’s going to happen to us. They’re all asleep. We’ll be fine.”

I shouldn’t have listened to him.

Everything faded into that familiar darkness, then hazily resurfaced into a new scene. The echo of my lonely footprints rang in my ears. I wanted to scream at myself to back away, to not open that ornate door, to turn away and drag everyone out of them.

I should’ve forced them all to listen to me.

But I didn’t, couldn’t. We weren’t really a team, never were. What everyone saw was a falsehood, a mask over the disorganized mess of people who were trying to stay at the top.

Old and rusty hinges screamed in warning as my unassuming hand pushed open the door. Nocturnal eyes dared to peek around the corner.

A shrill and pained scream tore through my throat.

My eyes, my eyes, my eyes.

Burning.

Nothingness.

More screaming.

Not from me.

My team.

An earth-rattling roar.

Rocks hitting the ground.

Large ones.

My feet pounding against the cobbled floor.

Blood. I can taste the blood in the air.

Who’s hurt?

Who’s dead?

Thrown against the wall.

Hands grappling at my arm.

Stumbling out of the caves.

Horsely yelling for everyone to run.

Out, out, out.

We need out.

The earth shook.

A beast roared with a shriek of a killer bird.

Darkness.

So dark.

People shouting my name, everyone’s name.

Two didn’t respond.

Where, where, where.

The doors of the temple sliding shut with a thunder.

Out.

My eyes flew open, but I saw nothing, felt nothing. No beating of my heart, no grass between my fingers. No clattering of the city, chirping of birds, clacking of hoots, creaking of carts, crashing of waves. No explosions or tearing of the ground from demigods training. Nothing but nothingness.

Right.

The land of heroes.

I shouldn’t be here.

I don’t deserve to be here.

My death is deserved.

Was deserved.

Cruel, though, that the only time I can see is when I dream.

My punishment, I suppose, for what I failed to do.

A good thing, perhaps, that I died before she could ever meet me, judge me, be tied down to someone like me.

But, I sometimes dream of what could’ve been.

@croccin-champagne

Okay okay. This ones kinda important, both because it’s generally important to me and because I’m performing this one at my school’s talent show on the 18th, which is terrifying. Anyway, any and all tips, suggestions, and critiques are a godsend because the end feels slightly clunky. As usual


My ceiling is covered in glow in the dark stars.
They’re kind of bunched together right over my bed,
A mix of homemade and real life constellations that look
Like somebody painted glue on the ceiling and threw the box of stars
Up.
In a way, they did.
I count them when I can’t fall asleep,
Even though it never actually slows my mind at all.
Usually, I just get distracted by the shadows,
Or the sound of my old house creaking,
Shrinking and growing
Breathing softly as it settles down for the night.

I’m a realist with the heart of a romantic,
Drawing hearts in the fogged up windows of the bus I take to school
And talking to stars.
I really love flower crowns, the aesthetic of them and the way they look,
But I can’t make them.
I never learned how, grew up moving too fast to sit on the grass
And learn how to weave the stems of these living things together.
Spent more time escaping than watching and suddenly
The world had caught up to me,
Blew by in a summer breeze carrying the scent of sunscreen and lemonade.
I want to write love letters,
Little notes of ‘hey gorgeous’ and ‘your eyes light up when you smile’ but unfortunately
I have the handwriting of a drunk doctor.
There’s a reason I print my poems instead of writing them.

When someone hands me an earbud there’s a high chance I’ll take it.
Something about watching someone listening to their favorite song
The ghostly smile and head nod
Feels like worship.
You know?
It seems almost intrusive, looking in
On a private sort of moment.
Vulnerability is terrifying, but a backdrop of bass or instrumentals
Makes it so easy to take on any challenge,
Makes it easy to open up unknowingly.
My best friend sends me her current favorite song and I feel closer
To her than possible,
Two thousand, six hundred and ninety four miles absolutely nothing
Looking right in through a window into the mind.
It’s a feeling I never want to give up.

I could talk on end,
About the drowsy comfort of being held,
Or the petrichor following a dry spell.
But you don’t need to hear about the warm wind wrapping around anything like a hug
To understand the simplicity and wonder of the world.
Maybe I am a little bit of a romantic,
But the world is kind of romantic too, so maybe
It’s a little justified.

@croccin-champagne

Straight up just posting a bonus because I don’t have anyone else to share it with nd it’s different than my normal style


To kids writing Shakespeare quotes on their desks,
Eyes heavy with sleep and the knowledge of things
Prophets of the teenage dilemma.
Martyrs, with books and knives tucked in the pockets
Of their bags, bloodied fists and wicked tongues.
Bringers of change.

The world is harsh,
They are harsher.
Pine trees against a grey winter sky holding.
To what is unknown but soon.
Soon the skies will break open,
The same way they do
Golden ichor dripping from the cracks.
Molten is the anger,
Warm is the hope.

Salud to the reckless, skinned knees and torn hearts
Mouths tasting of blood and smoke.
Paladins walking, ageless and armorless.
Representations of the youth long ignored,
Foundations cracking under the weight of the world.
Atlases holding, waiting, breaths bated.

Patience is a virtue
Wrath a sin well known,
Both held tight in bloodied fists.
Watch not the waking,
No,
Watch the rinsing.
Gods of a pantheon forgotten
Waiting.
Not any longer.

@Moxie group

Okay so for the first poem.

Unless you really like it/have it there for a specific reason, I might take out "kind of" in the second line. I feel like the flow is a little weird rn if that's not intentional.

"A mix of homemade and real life constellations that look
Like somebody painted glue on the ceiling and threw the box of stars
Up." Fantastic use of enjambment. Beautiful

Again, unless you have it there intentionally, I would take out the word "really" in this line: "I really love flower crowns, the aesthetic of them and the way they look,"

"There’s a reason I print my poems instead of writing them." Idk why but this line hit so hard. I love it.

Oh my god the whole stanza about music is just. So beautiful and so raw and so relatable, I love it so much.

So "petrichor" is my new favorite word, thank you for introducing it to me

I agree that the flow of the last part is a little bit off, but I'm not totally sure how to fix it. The only suggestion I could think of is maybe put a period at the end of "Maybe I am a little bit of a romantic," instead of a comma?

Overall though, this is a beautiful, beautiful poem and I loved it more with each line

@croccin-champagne

Thanks moxie! You’re right, taking out those bits does help a lot, and the period helps with the written format a ton. I’m glad you liked it!

@ElderGod-Icefire

Based on the image prompt. I'm sorry it's so long!


I.
Cael had fallen to earth in a ball of fire, into a blanket of frozen snow. The remnants of his loose tunic hung from his body, smoldering and burning, as his halo twisted and shrank, as the light went from a glowing warmth to a searing heat, as his purity and his goodness and light were twisted, turned. As his halo seared into his hair, his skin, his skull, broken and twisted. Horns. His wings, gorgeous and white and glowing, began to blacken. He screamed his throat raw as he felt his feathers blacken, as if burning. He was Fallen. He was no longer Seraphim.

He was sobbing, hands fisted in the snow, his halo turned to horns and his wings black as night, nevermore to be that white, pure glow that he used to have. He gazed up at the sky with broken blue eyes, tears sliding down his cheeks. "Please…" he whispered to an uncaring god. "There has to be something. Please. I'm sorry. I'll serve, I-I'll…I'll…please don't do this to me. Please!"

There was no response. Only the cold darkness of the Earth's night as the edges of the circle began to burn down.

So he got up, pulled himself to his feet and shivered, drawing the ragged tunic closer around his thin body. He started walking, not caring where he went. He needed to find people. His wings twitched painfully, and he hid them from Mortal view, along with his horns, walking barefoot in the snow.

It was hours before he found civilization. Hours of walking in the snow, wondering if it would be better just to lay down and die, accept his fate. He was Fallen. He was disgusting. Demonic. He had rebelled against God and it didn't matter why. He was no longer allowed home, unless he redeemed himself somehow. He didn't know how to do that. No Fallen had ever figured it out. So he was doomed to this, for eternity. He walked into the town, blue eyes glazed, movements mechanical.

Hands touched his shoulders, fingers lifted his chin to look up at a handsome face. "My god!" he winced at the word "god", blinking, trying to focus. "You poor thing! You've been wandering in the snow, like this?" the hands moved to his back, guiding him as he stumbled. "Come with me."

The person was male, taller than Cael by quite a bit. They had darker skin, curly dark hair and a chiseled face. A strong body. Cael was half-delirious from cold and pain now. As a Seraphim, even a Fallen one, he was better off than a mortal would have been. But he was so cold he couldn't feel his limbs anymore. Each brush of his hands against his skin felt like a foreign touch.

He was guided into a warm home, pushed gently down into a plush chair before a roaring fire. A soft blanket was wrapped around his thin, shivering body.

"You poor thing…how did this happen?" the voice asked, warm hands touching his chin, gentle. He leaned into that gentleness. It had been so long since he had felt a gentle touch. So long since he had known anything but pain, torture for betraying his creator. His eyelids fluttered slightly as he turned his head, cheek pressing into the other male's palm.

The human pulled away. "I'll get some hot chocolate started, alright? You just sit here and warm up." the gentle touch disappeared, and Cael closed his eyes tiredly, curling into the chair.

He was awoken by a touch to his shoulder. He shot upright, eyes flying wide as he stared up at the figure.

"Woah woah, hey, shh, calm down." he recognized the voice. The man from….from earlier. He focused in on that. The man had a faint tracery of stubble on his jaws, and his eyes were a warm hazel gold. "Yeah. You're alright. You're safe here." the voice soothed, hand gently stroking his shoulder.

Cael relaxed again, somehow trusting this person instinctively. He was still lying on the chair, he realized, though with the way the shadows had changed, he guessed that it was now morning. "Who are you?" he asked, his mouth dry and his voice cracking.

"My name is Jason Matthews." the man replied gently. "I go by either Jason or Jay. And you are?"

Cael licked his dry lips, pushing himself to a sitting position. "C-Cael." he stammered out painfully.

"Just Cael?" Jason frowned. "You…you don't have a last name?" he raised his eyebrows, seeming confused.

Cael shrugged helplessly. "No." he whispered.

II.
Eight Months Later…
"What would you like to do today, darling?" Jason's voice rumbled against Cael's skin, and he stretched, rolling over to face his boyfriend.

"Hmm." Cael hummed, wrapping his arms around Jason's shoulders. "I don't know." he pressed a lazy kiss to Jason's jaw, blue eyes smiling and happy as he felt Jason's hands run through his golden hair. "What would you like?"

Jason had helped him. Had taken him in and taken care of him, and somewhere along the way, they had fallen in love. Cael had, just last month, told Jason the truth of what he was. A Fallen angel, exiled to Earth to suffer. Jason had been stunned, but had eventually accepted it. Cael still kept his wings hidden for ease, but sometimes he let them out. Jason, they discovered, loved to pet those black feathers, and Cael loved the feeling of Jason's gentle touch on those sensitive limbs.

Jason smiled, kissed Cael's cheek. "Let's just be lazy today, yeah?" he gave that half-smile that Cael loved so much, the one where the dimple appeared in his left cheek.

Cael nuzzled Jason's bare chest, their legs still tangled together. "Sounds like a good plan to me." he replied contentedly, eyes closed. He wanted this to be his forever. Wanted to always wake up curled in Jason's protecting arms, wanted to always know that someone loved him and cared and wanted him as much as he loved and wanted them.

Jason's stomach rumbled. "However…I do want breakfast." the darker male added sheepishly. Cael peeked up at him and saw that that half smile was back. His heart thrilled with delight.

"Hmm, of course you do." Cael sat up, stretching and running his hands through his hair. He got out of bed, searching around for the clothing that they had strewn around so haphazardly the night before. He laughed a little as he got dressed. "Let's feed that stomach of yours, then, shall we?"

Jason let out a laugh of his own, getting out of the bed and getting dressed. He kissed the top of Cael's head fondly. "Of course."

They left the bedroom and into the kitchen. Jason turned on the griddle and began making eggs, as Cael got out the plates and utensils and started the coffee. Lazy kisses were exchanged as they worked quietly, soft words occasionally murmured, questions asked and answered. Cael leaned his head on Jason's shoulder as Jason finished the eggs, and they sat together at the table.

"So. I forgot to tell you yesterday, but this weird letter came in the mail." Jason said as they finished. "It's addressed to you. There's…there's no return address."

Cael felt a chill run up his spine. Addressed to him? No one they knew would have bothered writing a letter…"Show me." he said softly, setting his fork down.

Jason brought over an envelope, setting it on the table and sliding it across the table to Cael. The envelope was black, and not a normal black. This was a black that seemed to absorb the light.

Cael picked it up with trembling hands, fear winding its way around his throat. Who could this be from? But he already knew. Knew that it must be from another Fallen, or a Demon. Why, he didn't know. His name was written on the front in silver ink, the words curling, cursive. He opened it carefully, read the later inside. He dropped the letter and envelope, jumping out of his seat, trembling. "We have to go." he breathed.

"Go…where? Cael, what's wrong?" Jason got up from his seat, coming to Cael and wrapping his arms around the Fallen angel. "What is it, love?"

"I-it's…we…" he shuddered, pressing his face into Jason's neck. "They're hunting me. We have to leave. Now. Please, Jason. I don't want…I don't want to die. I don't want you to die. Please." he was begging, clinging to his boyfriend.

Jason's throat bobbed. "I…okay. We can go." Cael knew that his boyfriend was putting so much trust in him with this decision. "We'll go, okay?"

They packed up, and left town, telling their friends that they were leaving for a while. Cael couldn't stop being afraid. Were they being followed?

III.

Cael was sobbing. They had been found. They had fought. They had lost, and now Jason lay bleeding out on the ground, and Cael couldn't go to him, held captive in a pentagram drawn from Jason's blood. He was on his knees, sobbing and reaching at the border, desperate. Desperate.

"Cael…" he heard his name leave Jason's lips, broken, a prayer.

A prayer. Cael sobbed harder. "Jason!" his voice broke. "I'm here." he tried to comfort the man he loved. "I'm here. I'm so so sorry, Jason, this is my fault. This is my fault." he dissolved into tears. He himself was bleeding too, weak and trembling. But he would survive. Jason, he knew, would not. Jason was dying, and Cael couldn't even ease his passing.

A scream of anger and pain and devastation ripped from the Fallen angel's throat. "Jason!" he screamed, sobbing and sniffling. He pushed himself to his feet, attacking the pentagram with everything he had. It wasn't enough.

He sagged back to the ground, defeated. His wings were broken, shattered, feathers littering the ground. His horns were chipped. His wrist was broken, ribs bruised and battered, blood leaking from wounds all over. But he would live. "Jason…" he whispered.

He directed his eyes to the sky, lips moving in a prayer. "Please, God. Strike me down if you must, but please, let him live." he whispered. "Please please please. I know I've disappointed you, but please. Please. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to die because of me. Please."

There was no answer. No answer from the heavens, except that the pentagram was erased. Jason couldn't be saved, but Cael would be granted this final boon.

He rushed to Jason's side, half falling over Jason's body. "Jason!" he wept, voice ragged.

"Cael…" Jason's bloody hand brushed Cael's cheek. "I love you. I'm sorry." his voice was soft. Dying.

Cael could hardly see through his tears. "No no no no no, Jason, no, you aren't dying, please, this is all my fault, I'm so sorry, I love you so much, please don't die on me, please I love you!" he rambled, breath catching in a sob.

Jason's breath was broken. The man's chest slowed, and stopped, never to move again.

Cael screamed, broken. He was Fallen. He would never be happy again. Never ever. He had lost the only person he would ever love.

@ninja_violinist

Y'all want to know who's an absolutely fabulous human?? that's right, it's @crocs!! who did an excellent job hosting last week!!
(if anyone ever feels like hosting, just let me know! I'd always love to get more people and opinions on board)

that being said, it looks like y'all are back to my questionable feedback this week:

@Circe-needs-a-creativity-recharge
this is a hecking good concept?? I love this on so many levels?? It takes a while to figure out what's going on but then, once I realised, I had that delightful "aha" moment of being able to go back and understand all the formatting decisions and just. I love it.
anyway
one thing I noticed - if Antonio is twirling axes, like as in multiple heavy large blades, I'd probably use a different word instead of fingers because first reading this made me think of like… twirling a pencil
and maybe this is just me, but maybe in this bit:

Old and rusty hinges screamed in warning as my unassuming hand pushed open the door. Nocturnal eyes dared to peek around the corner.

I wonder if "unassuming" and "nocturnal" are the best choice of adjective here? I get what you're trying to say, but I do feel it's a tiny bit clunky?

either way, I really really loved this! Thank you so much for sharing!

@crocs
both of these are fabulous. on many levels.
first one - it's so winsome and hopeful with just a hint of wistfulness and that's exactly what I needed today haha
favourite line: I’m a realist with the heart of a romantic,/ Drawing hearts in the fogged up windows of the bus I take to school/ And talking to stars.
Moxie already pointed a lot of the stuff I was going to say - the main point being those words which I assume are your everyday hedge words (kind of, really, just). while they can help make it feel more conversational and like spoken language, I'm not sure they always have that effect here? so reevaluating those is a really easy way to improve the flow.
I wonder if "their aesthetic" would flow better than "the aesthetic of them"?
but yeah. not much left to say, tbh.

second one: this feels like almost the opposite of the other one and I am also here for that? it's jagged and rough and feels like an angry prophecy. idk. I get a very specific vibe from it that's difficult to codify but it's super vivid and I love it.
favourite line: Patience is a virtue/ Wrath a sin well known,/ Both held tight in bloodied fists.
One part that I read several times and wondered if the ambiguity is intentional is "Pine trees against a grey winter sky holding./ To what is unknown but soon." I'm not 100% sure what that's meant to say but maybe that's also the point? idk. I love the image though.

thank you so much for sharing! hope your talent show goes well! assuming the world doesn't end in the next four days

@Icefire
This went from 100 to 0 to 100 real quick and I hurt now
you've really leaned into that ancient art of "make the reader care about a character, want the character to be happy, give them a sense of what real happiness looks like, and then take it all away again" huh
I really enjoyed the characterisation in this one! Cael is a fun narrator, the descriptions work well without being dramatic, and you've got a general good policy of show don't tell going on.
one thing I noticed which was probably just for the sake of the plot was that even though it's from Cael's perspective, we don't get to see the contents of the letter that he reads? so it's kind of keeping us at a distance even though the general narration is pretty intimate. idk. I can also see the appeal of not having to write ominous death threats.

either way, thank you for sharing!!

@ninja_violinist

and prompts for this week:

Image prompt: "Millionaires" by Jakob Eirich

Music Prompt: "A Story Told" by Frank Wildhorn and Jack Murphy (from The Count of Monte Cristo Musical)

Word Prompt: I got it from pinterest idk

"Now, will that be cash, credit, or memories?"

@croccin-champagne

unfortunately, my talent show was cancelled along with my entire school, basically. there's an online competition I'm debating entering, since I can't do any of the ones I was looking forward to. but thank you for the critiques! you're right on pretty much everything, the flow has improved a lot better

as for that problem line, its supposed to be one, funny enough. it was supposed to leave a but of questioning there, but if it's more just confusing, just let me know

@ElderGod-Icefire

@Icefire
This went from 100 to 0 to 100 real quick and I hurt now
you've really leaned into that ancient art of "make the reader care about a character, want the character to be happy, give them a sense of what real happiness looks like, and then take it all away again" huh
I really enjoyed the characterisation in this one! Cael is a fun narrator, the descriptions work well without being dramatic, and you've got a general good policy of show don't tell going on.
one thing I noticed which was probably just for the sake of the plot was that even though it's from Cael's perspective, we don't get to see the contents of the letter that he reads? so it's kind of keeping us at a distance even though the general narration is pretty intimate. idk. I can also see the appeal of not having to write ominous death threats.

either way, thank you for sharing!!

Oh thank you!!
Ha I'm not really sorry. I wanted it to hurt lmao. But thanks!
Yeah I got lazy there. I just didn't feel like writing out the whole fricking letter, so I left it unsaid.

@Yamatsu

Based on the image prompt

"WE'RE FUCKIN' MILLIONAIRES, BABY!"

The old, rusty Camaro screamed down the desert highway as a caravan of police cars were in hot pursuit. Clyde slammed the gas as soon as the sirens came on and Bonny leaned out of the passenger window with an Uzi, peppering the front of the lead car. It swerved off the road and was clipped by the car behind it, setting off a chain reaction and causing a pileup of three or four more cars.

"Good shootin', honey!" Clyde laughed as Bonny pulled herself back into her seat. "Buckle up!"

Clyde dropped the car into third gear and the pair sped off into the noonday sun. The robbery went off without a hitch. First, Clyde stole the armored car an hour before it was supposed to get to the bank. Bonny busted the door open and loaded the money into the car. By the time the cops noticed, they were already skipping town.

"Those pigs sure caught up fast, didn't they?" Bonny said, twisting herself around to look out the dusty window.

"We ain't outta the woods yet, babe. You got the shotgun back there too, right?"

"Yup!" She racked it once for emphasis, a shell flying out of the open window and bouncing onto the highway. "Whoops."

Clyde merely shook his head and kept driving. It would be at least a few more hours until they could cross the Mexican border, but time was already on their side. A buddy of theirs was already waiting at the border, a pair of bolt-cutters in hand. Hopefully, at least. He was confident in his driving, but there'd be no way the car could survive going through the checkpoint unless there was no one there and the guards were asleep. The chances of that happening were zero-to-none.

As the adrenaline began to wear off, the anxiety began to set in. The money was theirs, but the cops were going to be out in force. There was no turning back. They were gonna blow this shit on hookers, drugs, and enough booze in Cancùn to last a lifetime. It was better than rotting in the New Mexico sun with nothing to do except work for peanuts.

Soon, the border began to appear over the horizon. A truck towing a large, curved flatbed was suspiciously close to the border, but the bed was positioned like a ramp going over the border wall. A patrol agent was taking down the information of the driver, who wasn't on the road at all, what was he doing there?

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Clyde asked.

"You don't wanna find Jimmy?" Bonny asked, looking both ways down the fence. No one was there aside from the truck, the bed, and the cop.

"This might be our only chance."

"Fine. Gun it!"

And gun it, he did. The Camaro roared as Clyde turned off the road and onto the sands. There was enough traction and power to keep it at 90.

KA-BUMP!

The car jostled and soared off of the bed. Barbed wire nearly shredded the bottom of the car, but there were only a few scratches, luckily. Bonny and Clyde didn't have time to think, as there was a loud crash behind them. Apparently, another car tried the same thing but only managed to hit the fence.

"Wait, was that ramp for someone else?" Bonny asked. Clyde tried to turn around. "Go! Go! Keep driving!"

"Sucks for that guy if it was. We'll just call Jimmy when we get to the next town."

As Bonny and Clyde sped off into the Sonoran desert, the sun began to sink low into the sky.

Hope that ramp thing doesn't come back to bite us…

@ElderGod-kirky group

@Circe-needs-a-creativity-recharge
this is a hecking good concept?? I love this on so many levels?? It takes a while to figure out what's going on but then, once I realised, I had that delightful "aha" moment of being able to go back and understand all the formatting decisions and just. I love it.
anyway
one thing I noticed - if Antonio is twirling axes, like as in multiple heavy large blades, I'd probably use a different word instead of fingers because first reading this made me think of like… twirling a pencil
and maybe this is just me, but maybe in this bit:

Old and rusty hinges screamed in warning as my unassuming hand pushed open the door. Nocturnal eyes dared to peek around the corner.

I wonder if "unassuming" and "nocturnal" are the best choice of adjective here? I get what you're trying to say, but I do feel it's a tiny bit clunky?

either way, I really really loved this! Thank you so much for sharing!

Thank you!! Yeah, I know that it's a bit confusing at first, especially without the background knowledge that Crocs and I have, but I had the sudden urge to do a thing with this character I made and his wobbly backstory (it's still in development), and this is the baby of that urge to do a thing.

For the axes… you have a point. In my mind, they aren't big and heavy? They're, like, well kinda like these. Also, these guys are demigods that train non-stop. They got muscle and skill, as well as a means to get light-weight but strong metals. But again, it's all backstory that you wouldn't have gotten.

Ahh, yes. I knew something was up with those lines.

@Moxie group

This is not my best and has a long way to go and I don't really like the last half but if anyone could take a look at this or even just read it, I'd be really greatful

It starts with Hello.
It starts with sitting together
It starts with texting
It starts friendship with a boy.
It starts with something you were never able to do before.

My friends looks say I was naive not to notice this sooner.
I don’t tell them that I knew
I don’t tell them about the blinders I put up
I don’t tell them that the blinders are a shield

It starts with Hello.
It turns into hints filling up your lap like rainwater
It turns into Didn’t you see this coming?
It turns into not being able to tell anyone
I have already taken up too much space in this conversation

Because you don’t want the “boo who’s”
You don’t want the people that say “poor you” while you watch jealousy drip from their words
Being texted that much
Is a privilege
Doesn’t matter where the flypaper gaze comes from
As long as you have it

The boy doesn’t mean any harm
The boy never means any harm
The boy means to rob you of your time,
Of your voice.

He wants to make a butterfly out of the caterpillar of your friendship.
Call it a magical transformation.
Rewrite himself as the dashing prince
Not the dragon.
Never the dragon.
He wants to steal you
Sea witch style
He melds together the words “girl” and “friend”
In the forgery of his imagination.

I learn about the feelings of entitlement to my smile
To my “yes”
To my “of course”
To my conversation
To my niceties

I watch the whispers float by
The eye rolls from across the room
They think I can’t hear
I stand on my chair and yell.

Get down from the throne
That you think I am standing on
Join me on the ground
Where we all belong

These roses riddled with thorns
Do not make me special
I did not ask for them
I am just the one that was too nice not to not take them

My friends tell me I am too nice
I know I am being too nice.
But I have gotten very good at being a lush carpet
Or a beaten down path
Take your pick
Take your metaphor

Because this is what you wanted, girl.
Right?
To not be lonely?
To be with anyone that will take you?
Right?
Right?
Right?

What use is the word friend
Without the word boy clinging to the front of it?

Deleted user

Loneliness is different at night-
It’s that time of sacred silence
where you know you shouldn’t be awake.
Yet something calls you to break that intricate schedule of sleep
to listen to nature hush and hum in your wake.

No one is awake to listen to you
even if sound never leaves.
Illuminated by nothing but your own lonesome.
It’s addicting somehow
to keep your eyes open,
to want to lose that needed sleep.

It pushes me closer to something so needed-
that addiction that shouldn’t be considered anything but a bad habit.

every time you hang up without a goodbye,
it’s when I feel closer to a place I left behind.
Tears threaten to run down a track so worn
but never do.

I want to reach out, but find myself unable.
I hit a wall that I had not hit before-
Why are you blocking me out?

It’s too quiet without your laugh. Too dark without your smile.

too painful without your soul in your words.

I fill it with music,
silence pushes too hard.
The whisper of an unknown voice,
singing

the beat of a drum

the twang of a synth

I fill it with the darkness of night, which you are shy under,
now that I’m out

Please come back.

I miss you.

@Anemone eco

(Okay, so I've been stalking this chat for like, a while, but I have to say)

MY GOODNESS, EMI THAT WAS B E A U T I F U L. It is a really great poem and I'd have to say my favourite part was:

No one is awake to listen to you
even if sound never leaves.

I loved that so much. Thank you for sharing this, Emi. And I'm really sorry about this experience you're going through.

Deleted user

Thank you. Thanks for letting me share. I just wrote this on a whim, like the other ones I wrote lol. It was therapeutic to write about, thank you for letting me.

@Anemone eco

Of course, Emi. I understand how therapeutic writing can be. <3 And that Shakespeare death test thing-a-mic-bitch was right. I'm a terrible poet lmao.

@croccin-champagne

moxie!!! we dont often see much from you but when we do, its incredible! I'm living for the

"Get down from the throne
That you think I am standing on
Join me on the ground
Where we all belong"

which is just. pure gold. iconic. I like the similar sounding words that add to a sort of rhythm of the stanza, and pull it together. I do think some parts of this were a bit clunky and could just be fine tuned or something, like the seemingly random capitalization or the sentences that go on a bit longer than others. other than things like that though, I really like it and the meaning. it's an issue a lot of people face, never being able to say no and feeling guilted into friendship and then other things when it's too late. you did such a good job bringing that to life!

and emi!!! babe babe babe this is so good. I love the repetition of the opening lines in those last couple stanzas, the 'I fill it with-'. it's so. so n i c e. I do think an evening out of lines in each stanza would lend to a better viewing format, but I really cant find much to critique at all, and I hope things turn out okay between you two, if they haven't already

Deleted user

and emi!!! babe babe babe this is so good. I love the repetition of the opening lines in those last couple stanzas, the 'I fill it with-'. it's so. so n i c e. I do think an evening out of lines in each stanza would lend to a better viewing format, but I really cant find much to critique at all, and I hope things turn out okay between you two, if they haven't already

first of all I love how you write your reviews, it makes me feel like a kindly woman of color is reassuring me after me getting in her way.
And as I said, this was written on a whim, so hence why the stanzas were uneven and of not normal poetry-format.
Thanks for reading it. Me writing this actually led to a giant thing between us, but we’re much better now. He’s doing much better emotionally, and this whole thing (the whole poem and me essentially breaking down), has led him to inquire about therapy and tell his parents. Thank you for being concerned (that’s to everyone who might’ve been) and reading my nonsense.

@croccin-champagne

fjfhd that might be the best compliment ever, first off. but that makes sense, and is part of why I didn't get much into that

I'm glad you guys are doing better, and that hes looking into that. therapy is incredible, and can be super helpful for relationships. I hope things stay fine!

@croccin-champagne

i was asked to take over critiques again, because ninja is busy with things caused by the covid-19 outbreak. i've already given a couple, which were done before i was asked lmao, but here is the one i haven't critiqued at all

yamatsu: back at it again with the light and fun writing. you do it really well, giving that air of comedy, and in this case, underlying action. i like that there aren't actions tied to all of the dialogue snippets, leaving a good less-is-more feel for the action, which is important. i did notice though, in some spots, like

"Those pigs sure caught up fast, didn't they?" Bonny said, twisting herself around to look out the dusty window.

"We ain't outta the woods yet, babe. You got the shotgun back there too, right?"

the dialogue seems a bit clunky? the response Clyde gave doesn't quite seem like it fits here, more like it should have been said at a different time during the scene. it's a small thing, but one that left me a bit stuck. other than that, i think the pacing might be a bit off through some parts of it. that's mostly just a common theme in action-based writing scenes though, so it's not the biggest thing. you did really good, and i loved the levity of this!

@croccin-champagne

as for prompts! these ones were specifically given to me, and they're kinda cool!

music

the music prompts are always some of my favorite, because they've actually gotten me into listening to new music


image

this photo from an underwater photography competition, taken by Renee Capozola, is absolutely incredible


word

last but not least, the word prompt hails from Pablo Neruda, with some gorgeous imagery

If each day falls
inside each night,
there exists a well
where clarity is imprisoned.

We need to sit on the rim
of the well of darkness
and fish for fallen light
with patience.

@ElderGod-kirky group

Hey y'all! Just resurfacing with a little thing between four different characters. It started as a vague little scene that had me considering for a while, so I decided to power through my lack of writing motivation to do this. I'm sorry it's long, technically two different stories with an overlapping timeline.


Jamir paced the kitchen, hands running through his hair as his mind raced. What had he just done? Why was he feeling like this? What, why, what, why. The words echoed through his head, blocking out all rationality and logic. He didn't even notice the woman walking into the kitchen with him, nor did he see her jump up onto the counter behind him and follow his frantic back and forth path with her eyes.

"Keep going, and the twins will have you replace the hole you wore in the floor."

He jumped and spun around, hands raised instinctively. Junia wasn't impressed with his defensive stance and arched a brow as she waited for his response. Jamir let out a breath of relief and leaned back against the island, facing her. "I doubt Wolf would do anything about it. It's Cin I'm scared of."

"Aren't we all." Junia angled her head as she regarded him, eyes narrowed thoughtfully. He didn't say anything; he was afraid to. The tiny Giant was smart, incredibly so—no wonder she and Cinthia had become fast friends—and he was honestly afraid of what she'd figure out if he spoke. Turns out, nothing he did, or could do, was enough to hide whatever she saw on his face. "It was your idea to let him go."

Jamir groaned and rubbed at his face, cursing his luck. "I know. I know, but… I guess it just sucks, seeing them together and happy."

Junia leaned back against the cupboards and crossed her arms over her chest. "Is it because you never felt that with Wolf?" Jamir could only nod, throat too clogged with emotions to muster up words anymore. That was fine, since it seems Junia already had a speech lined up to follow that response. "Jamie, did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, you aren't gay? Wolf tried, he really did. We all saw it. It was you that couldn't keep up with him. And, no, I'm not saying this to berate you," she reassured, holding out her hands as if to placate him, even if he only sent her a half-hearted glare, "I'm just pointing out what I observed. Would you ever let him go past kissing you?"

He opened his mouth to say yes, of course—eventually—but his brain to mouth filter got in the way and only let a squeaky "No…" He cringed at that admission and rubbed at the back of his neck. He couldn't exactly deny it, not when he felt the bells of truth clanging in his ears. Even if he hated the thought, he knew he had spoken how he really felt.

"Then there you go. You were curious, Jamir. You and Wolf were never going to work out, Nikolas or no. Hell, that territorial dragon was going to let you two stay together because he thought you two were happy together. If I recall our last conversation, you said that he was reluctant even when you practically demanded he go and take Wolf—go get his mate."

"So basically, I'm a horrible person."

Junia leveled a flat look on him, which had him curling in on himself with a tiny smile threatening to pull at his lips. She was definitely unimpressed with his self-depreciation. "No one ever said that, and I'm going to pretend that you didn't just say that." She shifted her weight and lifted one leg to her chest. He watched as she propped her chin on her knee, watched as she watched him. Eventually, she picked the conversation back up with an eye roll and a sarcastic "So what have we learned today?"

This time the smile did appear, if a bit weak. "That Giants are excellent at lectures and reading minds." Junia didn't miss a beat and stuck her tongue out at him, a gesture in which he returned almost immediately. "While we're on the subject, you and Archer aren't exactly couple of the year. Why should I take any advice from you with that whole situation?"

"Shut up, Titan," Junia bit back without any heat and picked at her nails. "Yeah, I won't deny that we don't give off dating vibes. I'd be blind to see that."

"Not to mention that you two constantly joke about dating other people."

"Who wouldn't drop their partner for a chance to date Cinthia?"

"Fair point. Continue."

Junia huffed indignantly, but Jamir could see the ghost of a smile that wanted to appear on her lips. She licked them and spoke as if that would erase that ghost. "Archer and I've known each other since we were kids. We grew up together, spent all of our time together, didn't really have anyone else that we wanted to hang out with. Everyone assumed that we were dating, but we weren't. We were just friends." She shrugged and looked off to the side. To anyone, she was staring blankly as she relieved the memories. Jamir knew better. He'd recognize that haunted look. "And then Kiran did her thing, destroyed our home and rounded us all up in reservations, and we kinda… I dunno, everyone needed a show of control and support and unity, especially when their empress was missing, so they went to the next best thing—me and Archer. They used our nonexistent relationship as a way to have some sort of control over the situation and hope that they could have somewhat normal lives."

"You two started to actually date out of obligation," he guessed, earning a nod. She blinked, and that look he hated was gone.

"Neither one of us were exactly opposed to the idea, so it wasn't like we were forced into it. And it's been so long that we just kinda stuck around. Nothing changed between us, besides some of the not-so-friend-like treatment, and it still doesn't feel like it's any different. I bet if we broke up, it wouldn't be any different." She shrugged like it wasn't a big deal. Jamir noticed that a lot of things that should be a big deal weren't to Junia. She could face a raging tornado, shrug, and face it with her head high. Despite how much they bickered and ragged on one another, he'd always respect her for that fearlessness and confidence. He wished he had that.

Jamir crossed his arms and tapped his arm in time with his pulse, thinking. "So why don't you?"

Junia blinked again and angled her head towards him. The surprise was so subtle that he almost missed it, too enthralled by the way that simple maneuver reminded him of a predator. "What."

He mimicked her earlier expression, leveling a bored stare on her. "So why don't you? Break up with him? If nothing'll change, just get it over with. Neither one of you is doing the other any favors by sticking around. What if there's somebody out there that would actually like to date you, but you're too busy keeping up appearances that you miss that chance?"

"Now who's lecturing who?"

"June."

Silence. She stared at him, waiting for him to put pieces together that he didn't know existed. Pretty soon, though, it clicked and he flushed. "Shut up. At least I let him go." She stuck out her bottom lip and nodded her head, and he read that as a silent 'fair point.' Realizing that she was still waiting for a satisfactory response, he fought for an answer to what she wanted. "I'll tell Wolf if you break up with Archer."

"Alright." Her response was without hesitation and without concern like they were making plans for a pizza run. He remained silent and watched her hop off the counter, and still didn't say anything as she took the few steps up to him. She only stood to his shoulders, but her presence was much larger than her small frame. He found himself looking down at her, but feeling like she was the one who could easily look down her nose at him. She was a simple jeweler with the aura of a goddess. Times like these, when he was alone with her without the dilution of the rest of the team, he felt small and insignificant, unworthy of her undivided and unwavering attention.

Junia smirked and poked his waist, then slipped away without another word. Even after a solid minute of being alone and devoid of her presence, Jamir found it hard to let out the breath he was holding. Every one on one conversation with that woman left him intimidated and in need of a nap. He made a mental note of making sure that they were around the others from now on if they ever got into a conversation.

Once he could breathe normally again, Jamir stole one of Nikolas' pop-tart boxes and made a beeline for his room. Cinthia had asked him for weapon designs. He should get to work on those, and maybe use the quiet time to figure out how he was going to tell Wolf about what Junia revealed about himself.


"You have oil on your face."

"As tactful as always, Archie. Hello to you, too." Carden rolled out from beneath the large robot canine and peered up at Archer, who was crouched just behind him with his head propped up on a fist. Archer grinned and dropped a towel onto Carden's face, snickering at the man's sputtering. "I shall repeat my last sentiment: as tactful as always," Carden grumbled, using the supplied towel to wipe off the oil that had dripped onto his cheek.

"Can't be too unpredictable, or else I'll turn into you." Archer skillfully deflected the other's poorly-aimed swat, still grinning. "So what's up with her?" he asked, nodding towards the robot. Carden sighed and glared up at the feline's golden body, meticulously carved and put together with loving hands—and her only show of gratitude being a refusal to work and constant attempts on her creator's life.

"Obviously, an oil leak. I think some of the gears need tightened and others need some adjustments. A couple of the joints keep breaking, so I think I'll need to employ Junia to work on a stronger metal. Motor roars instead of purrs, so I gotta figure out a way to make her quieter. I haven't even gotten to the weapons yet, the body is too unstable and unfit to handle the extra power needed for an arsenal, but I'm definitely planning on some badass guns and swords. Maybe sword-tail, rotating teeth." He tapped the nearest paw. "Thinking of making the claws retractable and curved so she can go over different sorts of terrain."

"Busy busy." Archer whistled, which made Carden smile. He always loved seeing how he impressed people with his machines.

"Busy busy," he agreed, then rolled back under the robot's belly and got back to work on fixing that oil leak. The two friends conversed just like that, with Archer sitting on the floor and Carden working diligently. This was their daily routine, so ingrained with their normal schedule that it was strange to not hear Archer walk into Carden's workshop at any given time of the day. A couple times, the Isic prince was asked to help, and he happily lent a hand whenever Carden needed it. Soon enough, both of their hands were coated in oil stains, though Carden had a few more on his arms and cheeks.

"I hear your mom is starting the nomination process for her heir," Carden was saying as he moved his attention to the gears, hands buried in the complicated mess of metal rods, gears, belts, what-have-you.

A hum of acknowledgment. "Yeah. She's still kinda bummed that Cin refused, but she's not selfish enough to take her away from her current position."

Carden snickered. "Honestly? I think she'd rather be Empress of the Isic than Princess of the Universe with how often she refuses to acknowledge that title." Archer laughed and agreed with the sentiment, and they exchanged stories of them getting death glares from the princess when they were about to mention that title to outsiders. After a bit of chatting and fixing the gears, Carden rolled back out from beneath the robot to grab a quick drink. Archer being Archer grabbed the bottle before he could and opened the cap. Knowing what he was up to, Carden smirked, then opened his mouth expectantly.

"You're like a child," the prince chastised as he expertly poured some water into the mechanic's awaiting mouth, pausing so he didn't choke.

"Says the one humoring me," he shot back, then pointed to his open mouth, impatient.

Archer rolled his eyes but indulged Carden until he gave the thumbs up. After twisting the cap back on and setting the bottle aside, Archer faced Carden again. This time, however, he bent over and kissed him right on the lips, Spiderman-style. Carden was surprised, unsurprisingly, but didn't comment as Archer pulled back. He recognized that look on his face, so instead of making a big deal out of it, he rolled back under the robot and resumed his work, letting Archer sort things out on his own.

He knew that, as best friends, they should talk about it and sort everything out together, but that just wasn't how Archer worked. He was as predictable as a sunrise yet as spontaneous as a blizzard. He did things out of his norm to try it out, then think about it after to see what he thought about it. In this case, it seemed to be both his sexuality and Carden. He didn't mind. They could talk about it when Archer figured it out. If he left, then he'd have his answer without needing to talk.

Except, Archer stayed, which probably confused them both. Carden didn't risk rolling back out from beneath the robot, but he did speak. "Hand me that thing-a-ma-jig, will ya?" He poked his hand out so that Archer had a clear view of it, and without missing a beat, the cool metal of a wrench was pressed into his palm. Carden smiled slightly to himself and got back to work.

They would talk. Later. He was just glad that nothing changed as of yet, kiss aside.

Except, when he rolled back out and Archer had the water bottle ready in hand, Carden couldn't help himself. That small peck wasn't enough to sedate his own growing curiosity. He reached up, cupped the back of Archer's neck, and brought him down until their lips crashed together yet again. The unsuspecting prince didn't react violently. In fact, after the initial shock, he was quick to return the kiss. Carden kept his grip on the man's neck, keeping him close, but he didn't have to worry. Both were perfectly willing, both were equally as curious.

Carden let his grasp slip away. Archer leaned back a few inches. Carden could feel his breath on his face, hot puffs of air coming out in pants as they both breathed heavily. That was all that could be heard in the otherwise silent workshop. Carden peered up at Archer. Archer peered down at Carden. Neither said a word. Finally, after what felt like a peaceful eternity, Carden could feel nimble and calloused fingers playing with his dirt-streaked hair.

"You missed some oil."

The mechanic snorted, then broke out in a small fit of contagious laughter that was quickly caught by the prince. Carden reached up to flick Archer's nose, eliciting more snickers from them both. "Tactful as always, dork."

Archer tugged at Carden's hair with a bright grin. "You know me."

@Moxie group

moxie!!! we dont often see much from you but when we do, its incredible! I'm living for the

"Get down from the throne
That you think I am standing on
Join me on the ground
Where we all belong"

which is just. pure gold. iconic. I like the similar sounding words that add to a sort of rhythm of the stanza, and pull it together. I do think some parts of this were a bit clunky and could just be fine tuned or something, like the seemingly random capitalization or the sentences that go on a bit longer than others. other than things like that though, I really like it and the meaning. it's an issue a lot of people face, never being able to say no and feeling guilted into friendship and then other things when it's too late. you did such a good job bringing that to life!

Ahhhh thank you so much!

Thank you, I’m very proud of that stanza.

I agree that some of it is clunky and I fixed the capitalization stuff too.

I’m really glad I could bring the feeling to life effectively. I was worried about that. Thank you for looking at it! I really appreciate it!

@ElderGod-Icefire

So uh. I wrote this a while ago, just now sharing it. I don't remember what inspired me to write it.


Weak or Witch?

Why do little girls all want to be
princesses? Why do little girls talk of
princes and love they have no
knowledge of? Because society tells us that
we can only be beautiful if
we are the princess. The princess, who
waits for a man to save her. If a girl is
strong, she is a Witch, she is
ugly. No little girl wants to be ugly, so
we fit the mold and break ourselves. We
are beautiful and shallow and
weak, because we are told that
strong women are ugly, that
we need a man to defend us and
protect us. Because any little girl would
rather be beautiful instead of ugly, and
society says we cannot be
both. Which means every girl is told to
make a choice, "Beauty or Strength?"
"Weak or Witch?"
Why can't we be both? I choose
to be both. I will be beautiful, and I
will be strong. I will be witch and
princess both. And I will not need saving,
not by anyone. Beauty or Strength?
I'll take both.

@croccin-champagne

ice?????????? you have perfectly encaptured my rage in this poem but in a more beautiful way than i could ever speak. that entire last chunk after 'why can't we be both' is just. * chef's kiss * and i love it. the way the lines are set up isn't something i'm super used to but it works? and it's a bit to get used to but once you do it really is worth it

@croccin-champagne

so, some of you may recall the 'boy with the crooked smile and summer eyes' from my poems. i've written about him a lot because i've only once before felt this strongly about anyone and it turned out way better than i could have ever hoped. the 26th marks two months since we officially started dating, and i wrote another poem because it's the only thing i can do! this is one part of his gift, and i'd love to get it critiqued soon, if anyone minds hitting me with thoughts


Yellow is sunflowers.
Petals turned to the sky and stood tall,
Facing any challenge the world throws their way.
Resilience is a sunny color,
Strength is a field.
A sea of yellow and green,
Of hope.

Yellow is the sun.
Warm arms stretched far and wide,
Rays of white-gold familiar and constant, there.
The centerpiece of a blue sky,
Stands out amongst cotton-clouds.
A symbol of life,
Of energy.

Yellow is your smile.
Paired with a half laugh at a stupid joke,
A sound not so much musical as incredible.
Everything I do
I do for that smile.
Upturned lips spell home,
Say ‘I love you’.
This is the first time anyone’s ever said it back.
I love you.

@ElderGod-Icefire

Aww thanks Crocs!! Yeah I had the hardest time with that last part and I'm so glad you like it! The style is actually very different from what I usually do, so I'm glad it worked!

Also: Your poem is gorgeous and like…i'm not good at critiquing poems so I'm sorry. But I really like it?? Yeah. Although, the "Yellow is your smile" kinda threw me off, because typically saying someone's smile is yellow means their teeth are yellow, and that's not usually a good thing. But it works, stylistically!