forum Glitches // OxO // Closed

Started November 27, 2019 by @ElderGod-Icefire

tune

Nyx's eyes stayed shut, his mouth pressed to Jude's. His heart was pounding and he felt like it was going to explode out of him. He kept kissing Jude.

Jude kissed him in between his fluttering breaths, in between every second thought and every heartbeat that echoed through him. This was a bad, bad thing, but he couldn't help feeling an ocean of relief flood through him, sweeping his heart into the current and dizzying his thoughts as he waited for one of them to pull away.

We shouldn't be doing this– Nyx cut off his own thoughts. No. We're doing this. He kept his eyes closed, lips parting just a little bit as he kissed Jude back needily, wanting as much as Jude would give him.

Jude shivered in the still air of his studio, his mind a clouded mess and his mouth moving against Nyx's in a slow push and pull of their longing for each other. He begged himself to stay here like this, gambling his seconds away and questioning everything he knew about what would hurt him. Painfully, he moved his mouth away from Nyx's, opening his eyes to irregular colours and shapes, like he'd stared at a light too long.
"Should we, um, talk about this?" Jude breathed, his mouth just inches away from Nyx's.

Nyx's eyes slowly opened as Jude pulled away and spoke. He swallowed. "I-I…" he didn't know. Should they? "I…guess so." he finally said slowly, quietly. He didn't want to talk. He wanted to lean forward and press his mouth to Jude's again. But that was a terrible idea. He knew that.

"Okay," Jude said quietly with a nod, debating kissing him again, for longer as the last time like it was turning off an alarm and promising just a few more minutes. But this is what had to be done, a final ultimatum on whether or not they could keep this up and what would happen if they did. He moved away from where they sat, blinking hard and headed for the sink to wash away the clay that covered his hands.

Nyx took a deep breath, swallowing hard and watching Jude go. After a moment, he got up to wash his own hands. His eyes flickered with uncertainty. He didn't quite know what he would say. What there was to say. He knew that he wasn't good for Jude, that Jude couldn't afford to be affected by that addiction again.

Jude nodded to his couch, pulling down his sleeves as he walked and nervously tugging the edges. He slumped onto the olive green cushions, sighing and running a hand through his hair, it's getting long. Jude shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment and trying to find the right words, "Okay, so…"

Nyx washed off his hands, dried them, and sat down on the couch, looking at Jude and waiting for the other to finish talking. What are we going to do? He wondered, fidgeting with a loose thread on his shirt, biting his lip and waiting.

"–I want to figure this out." Jude told him, feeling the uncertainty between them so taxing and demanding of an explanation, a solution to this situation. "And…I need to know what you're thinkin' or…feeling, I guess."

Nyx shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know." he said softly. "I just…I guess I…" he shrugged helplessly.

Jude tried to read Nyx’s expression, hoping for him to say something to make Jude understand what this meant for him; if he wasn’t sure he wanted these feelings or that it was too much right now. He couldn’t help but feel the same guilt founded on the day he first kissed him; like he’d done something to cause this confusion in him. “—I just wanna say I’m sorry. This is my fault, and you wouldn’t have to be feeling this way if I’d done differently.”

Nyx bit his lip. "No, I…you don't have anything to be sorry for, I…I'm the one that wanted it. I…" he swallowed, fidgeting anxiously. "I don't…"

"I mean…I shouldn't have kissed you on that day." Jude explained, lightly twisting the cuff of his sleeve, "It was too soon and even though I wanted to, I shouldn't have."

Nyx chewed on his lip. "No, I…you…" he shrugged his shoulders slightly. "Alright. If you say so."

"Nyx…I like you." A lot. Jude shrugged, trying to pry his eyes off the ground. "And I don't know how to keep this up, cause I don't think things will end well if you want something more."

Nyx looked away, his lip still caught between his teeth. "I'm sorry." he said softly. "But I…" I don't understand…any of this. "I don't…I'm sorry. I don't understand…" he closed his eyes for a moment, rubbing at them with the heels of his hands and hating that he didn't understand. That he was so sheltered that he couldn't understand what Jude was trying to say.

Jude took a short breath, wishing he could've saved Nyx from all this confusion. "I'm trying to say…I think that– I want us to be together, like…together." He pursed his lips, wondering where all his confidence went and praying that something good would come out of this, "…But it's going to hurt both of us when we have to…go our own ways."

Nyx looked at Jude again, biting his lip. "Oh. I…" He didn't know what the proper response was. What he should say in response to Jude's words. He wanted it too. He wanted this too. But…but he didn't know if he should, or… anything. And he hated that he didn't know.

Jude twisted the hem of his shirt, waiting for Nyx to tell him what he thought. This whole situation was a mess, one that Jude didn't know how to deal with or talk about. "Nyx, I need to know how you feel about this whole thing," He sighed, praying for words of his agreement…or disagreement, or assurance– anything to help him understand where to go from here.

"I want…the same thing you do. But I don't know…" Nyx trailed off. "I don't have any experience with anything, and…" He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. "I don't know."

(I won't be super active tonight, sorry)

Jude bit his lip, wondering how much he should tell Nyx about how love and relationships worked without scaring him. "This thing–" Jude gestured between them with a muted smile, "It's going to hurt the both of us once it ends. I don't want that for you."

Nyx bit his lip a little bit. "Oh. I…" He hated this. Hated that it was so hard for him to be with Jude, because he didn't understand how the real world worked. He closed his eyes for a moment. He should just put me back in the pod and leave me.

Jude reached for Nyx's hand, carefully picking it up and holding it in his. "Do you get what I'm saying?" He asked, praying that Nyx would come up with something because he was losing hope. There has to be a way.

Nyx nodded a little bit. "Yeah." He replied softly, looking up at Jude when he felt the other male's hand in his own. "I-I just…I don't know what to do."