forum Virtual Creative Writing Club, anyone?

Started July 06, 2019 by @ninja_violinist

tune

I do really prefer the second one as well. Its edited more, and yeah, way smoother. Again, thank you so much

I do really prefer the second one as well. Its edited more, and yeah, way smoother. Again, thank you so much

You’re so welcome!! I’m really glad I could help and good luck with the entries :)

Wrote this while listening to "Secrets" by One Republic on repeat lmao. The italicized lines are from the song.

---

So tell me what you want to hear.

"What do you want me to say?" The boy asks, his wrists chained down and his body chained as well, trapped in a chair as he looks at the prince across the table from him. The prince, whose heart he broke. The prince, who is not crying yet, though his eyes shine with unshed tears.

"Just…was any of it real? Was any of it true?" Evan whispers, making no move to reach out to Alexos.

My sleeves are stained red.

"It was all true." Alexos whispers back, closing his eyes so that he doesn't have to meet Evan's blue ones.

"Then…then how could you?" Evan demands, and Alexos hears the crack in the other boy's voice, hears that Evan is crying now. "How could you do this to me?"

From all the truth that I've said.

"I had to. Your father murdered my family. So I killed him."

"And my mother. And my sister. You left me alone, Alexos!" Evan's voice broke.

"Your father left me alone in the world." Alex kept his voice cold. He hadn't wanted to hurt Evan. But he had had to. "Without family, friends, or anyone to turn to."

"How?"

"My family went to the scaffold. I watched them die, Evan!" Alexos snarled.

"Who were they?"

There it was.

Come by it honestly I swear.

"The king." Alexos said softly. "Alistor. Margot. My brother, Aron." He opened his golden eyes, looking at Evan. Evan, the prince. Evan, whose father had stolen the throne from Alexos' father. Evan, the Kevran prince. Blue eyes, blonde hair, fair skin. And then there was Alexos. The ex-prince of Kaythin. Dark hair, golden eyes, olive skin.

Evan's face paled, and he stared, wide-eyed. "I thought…I didn't know you were…"

"You've never been the only prince in the castle." Alexos said coldly. It had hurt to go in Evan's rooms, because they used to be Aron's. Used to be his older brother's.

Thought you saw me wink, no I been on the brink so–

"Alex." Evan's voice was tortured.

–tell me what you want to hear.

"I still love you." Evan whispered. "Even after all you fucking did to my family…I still love you."

Something that'll light those ears.

Alexos closed his eyes. "Goddamnit, Evan." He breathed. "I love you too."

Sick of all the insincere.

"But…we can't…not anymore." Evan stood. His chair scraped across the floor, and Alexos knew what was coming. "I can't. The kingdom would never forgive it."

Alexos bowed his head, swallowing. He knows the order that Evan must now give.

I'm gonna give all my secrets away.

"Alexos Luther," Evan's voice trembled for a moment, "You are hereby sentenced to death for the murder of the royal family."

Alexos remains still and silent. He knew the price he would pay before he even lifted the sword to do the deed.

This time, don't need another perfect line.

I'm gonna give all my secrets away.

Have a drabble I did to reroute my brain from my shitty night and come up with ideas for story lore. There's one link because I just couldn't for the life of me figure out how to describe it the way I wanted.

Time For a Swim, Ya Greek Coward

The rolling waves of the Aegean Sea lapped at the sides of the rocking boat, pushing back and forth like a baby’s rocker. The waters were clear and shining, reflecting the shine of the sun with perfect brilliance for a day of swimming. The heat beat down in gentle waves, settling upon the skin like a soft blanket on a fall’s day.

Everything was perfect.

Except for this stubborn Greek dragon that refused to listen to her.

“I’m not going in, Kora,” Nikolas repeated, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared down at the fish-tailed sea nymph in the water. “You can’t make me, either.” He remained sitting on the edge of the boat, one leg dangling off the edge and foot just barely dangling over the water. He wasn’t even properly prepared for a swim, having only worn a tank top and sweatpants, and no swimming trunks to change into.

Koralia scoffed and crossed her own arms over her chest, webbed fingers clutching her shimmering and slightly greenish forearms. “I can and will make you, dragon. Your high status on the food chain means nothing to me. I outrank you with age and wisdom.”

“You tell yourself that,” Nikolas drawled, rolling his eyes even though his lips twitched up in amusement. He’s never seen Kora in her nymph form before, so it was quite startling, to say the least.

In certain lights, her skin would sometimes have a very faint sea-green tint to it, but it was nothing like how it was now. Her skin was lined with incredibly small scales and put off a clear tint that matched perfectly with the ocean water. The sun reflected off of them, creating small sparkles that twinkled and winked every now and again and gave her a young and childish look that she would instantly shatter with her mouth–as there were deadly needle-like fangs poking from her lips that matched the razor-sharp claws attached to webbed fingers. Her blue hair was soaked and plastered itself to her cheekbones and shoulders. From the waist down, her curvy hips led into a long and elegant tail with scales like that of a blue betta fish, some hints of soft green here and there. From where her thighs would be, small fins flared out and provided balance. A wide tail-fin swished back and forth beneath her, stirring the water nearly 10 feet below her.

Nikolas was so lost in his own thoughts that he barely had time to realize that Kora was getting impatient. He yelped as his arms were latched onto, and next thing he knew he was being dragged into the ocean. “KORA!” he shouted right before his head hit the surface.

Even as a child, he’s never felt the need to keep his eyes closed when he’s underwater. It was too beautiful to pass up the opportunity. Schools of fish did their dance beneath the waves, racing each other to oblivion and beyond. Coral clung to the edges, providing a magnitude of beauty, wonder, and life. Seaweed swayed to the music of the whales and gulls. He’s seen this all before, time and time again, but he couldn’t help himself as his eyes darted around, his body forgotten as he floated deeper and deeper down, the nymph’s grip on his wrist unrelenting.

“You have a third lid,” Kora noted as she studied the dragon in her grasp. The moment he had opened his eyes, she could see the near-invisible third lid slide into place to protect his eyes from the stinging salt-water. She watched Nikolas blink in confusion and finally look at her, then around them. He didn’t panic at the sight of going deeper, only confused and intrigued. She had a theory about the two Solar Dragons for years now, but had never had the opportunity to test it out until now. She wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity now that it’s in her hands–literally.

“I’m going to need you to trust me,” she said, the small slits along her neck flapping some to collect oxygen. Nikolas nodded, knowing to not speak lest he wastes his precious oxygen. Koralia wanted him to freak out, though. That was the only way his body would react the way she wanted it to.

She wanted him to drown.

Without further warning, she tightened her grasp on him with one hand and manipulated the water around them with the other. The ocean rushed to her command, forcing itself against the wide-eyed dragon and prying his mouth open.

Lungs rushed with water.
Blue eyes watched calculatingly.
Claws dug into skin.
Limbs thrashed.

A roar split through the ocean.

Koralia grinned brightly and darted away from the furious dragon now swimming after her, its iridescent scales reflecting the sun and water around it so it was practically invisible in the ocean. Large wings were replaced by fins used for direction. A long and lithe body perfectly built for speeding through the water. A tail tipped with four large fins, one pair layered over the other. Strong talons were connected by strong and clear skin ideal for treading water and tearing rock and muscle. More fins decorated the dragon’s cheeks, as well as the numerous spikes around its head and the four main curved horns.

Kora giggled to herself and danced through the ocean, feeling Nikolas hot on her tail. Her plan had worked.

The Solar Dragons were bred for opposition, natural enemies born of the natural cycle of life. The sun and the moon, daylight and darkness, calm and passion. . .

Air and water.

The sun’s always represented of being the high point of the world, whereas the moon is the lowest with the earth in the middle. Theresa was always going on about how much she loved flying, loved the thrill and feeling of power that came with it and Kora could remember seeing all of the sun dragons soaring in the sky like they were the queens of the world.

Nikolas, on the other hand, adored the water. He thrived in the depths, lived for the beauty. The moon dragons were almost never seen, either hidden away in their caves or never seen entirely. She had wondered why they were so elusive, why the sun dragons were seen during their time of the cycle while the moon dragons were not. Her theory had been that they sought the depths of the world, looked for the beauty of darkness.

Her home.

The nymph glanced back at the snapping dragon, catching the glint of true happiness and joy she found in his eyes. It was the same glint she found in Theresa’s eyes right after a flight.

This was his element.

I wonder if the sun dragon also has an alternate form. . .

Kora looked back in front of her and dived down suddenly, feeling the pull of the ocean as Nikolas did the same. Her lips pulled back, exposing her needle-like canines.

Only one way to find out.

Oh my lord.
That hit me so hard.

I love this piece of writing.
(Edit: It appears I was slightly late. Had just finished reading @Icefire's)

Oh my lord.
That hit me so hard.

I love this piece of writing.
(Edit: It appears I was slightly late. Had just finished reading @Icefire's)

If this is about mine, thanks! If this is about Circe's, then… oops lol

Yeah aha that was about yours. I was checking some other threads while I was waiting for the reply to finish posting and then realized that Circe had posted something aha.

Haha alright. Thanks again!

You're welcome!

there are so many long posts now it takes forever to scroll back up

ha, fixed it

y'all can I just say how much I love the stuff you wrote this week! Feedback is on its way

(this is super long. sorry about that)
Thank you to everyone for sharing, and thank you especially for also giving each other such wonderful feedback!!

@Dances_with_Shadows
There's so much good stuff from you this week that I don't really know what to say without making it like… an obscene amount of text
so these are just the notes I made as I went through (which I'd usually try to compile into something more coherent. but also that requires a lot of explanation and this is already super long. so.) please feel free to ask if anything needs clarification
(EDIT: turns out it's an obscene amount of text anyway. oof. sorry)
First one:
literally living for this dynamic. highkey love this
Character descriptions come in really naturally as a comparison rather than "I'm in front of a mirror let me think about how I look". !!! very good !!!
-> wonder if it'd be more effective to cut out the "insecure and unstable mind" bit? (like the reader could extrapolate from the content of the comparison that Ryker is insecure, so we don't need to be told?)

He and Kasiya were going out to eat for lunch today, as Ryker had today off from work and they wanted to use that time to do some stuff together while they got the chance.

could be explained more gracefully. spread out over more sentences?

Just one word, just his name, and he instantly knew what his boyfriend wanted from him.

necessary?

"or did you forget that we’ve been together for three years?”

repetition of information?
(also for "Arabic term of endearment" - interesting but does it add to what's happening right now?)

Second one:
love the worldbuilding!! and character dynamics!! and the descriptions!!
wonder if "your high status on the food chain means nothing to me. I outrank you with age and wisdom" is a bit heavy on the exposition? idk it could be the way Kora talks but it does feel a bit convenient

@izzy-hates-anxiety-and-is-busy
so this was super emotional and really well done! I love the characterisation of Melissa and the way you set up the relationship between her and her parents!
As crocs already said, some of it feels a bit disjointed. My guess is that it comes across that way because of the rather hectic pacing - slowing the whole thing down with more descriptions and just generally spending more time on each individual event as it happens might help with that. I also recommend reformatting the paragraphing, especially when it comes to dialogue - it can be a bit disconcerting to see dialogue suddenly pop up at the end of a bloc of text rather than getting its own new paragraph. But other than that, this is really solid. Thank you so much for sharing!

@crocs
(amber's critiques were so thorough that I'm not sure what else there is to say at this point. but I'll try)
I really love the edited version of the Thing! Especially the addition of the last two lines adds a lot and ties the whole thing together.
One line that I noticed seemed a bit… isolated??? for lack of a better word: "To be as soft" (ie, as soft as what? it doesn't fit super well with what comes next). I actually had a moment of confusion when I thought the next line was supposed to continue that sentence but then it didn't. Maybe punctuation might make this clearer? idk
and I think the second one would fit really well into a slam setting! (It makes it a bit hard to give feedback since I don't really know how you're intending to say it. as long as you can find a natural rhythm it's all good) But the images and language really fit! They're intensely personal but also intensely relatable?? somehow?? I'm in awe
(I had a good laugh about the "five tomatoes" bit because as a Good European Who Uses The Metric System^TM it meant absolutely nothing to me and I had to google it. and it's just. the funniest thing to me. the whole concept.)

@Icefire
The poem: I love this! it feels kind of like prose-turned-poetry - like something that would work best if read out loud. I don't have much experience with the form tbh, so I can't really think of anything critique-y to say about it. But yeah. a heavy topic which you handled very gracefully.
and the prose actually killed me. so. thank you for that.
genuinely though, really well done!! the text fits perfectly with the interspersed lyrics, and they add to the tension and flow rather than interrupting it. I did notice that you started out in present tense and switched to past tense at some point, so I'd recommend more consistency there. But yeah. Really well done!

@Emi-Is-a-Full-Moon-Lover
this is so beautiful and contemplative and I live for the imagery!! Like "a wrinkle in their everlasting lives" is just. so well expressed. the whole thing raised some super cool points.
One image that I had to think about for a bit is "milky grey claw" because my brain didn't immediately connect it to the moon and I had a moment of panic where I wondered if I'd somehow missed that the Milky Way is claw-shaped. But that might just be me. Either way, thank you so much for sharing!!

@Icefire
The poem: I love this! it feels kind of like prose-turned-poetry - like something that would work best if read out loud. I don't have much experience with the form tbh, so I can't really think of anything critique-y to say about it. But yeah. a heavy topic which you handled very gracefully. 
and the prose actually killed me. so. thank you for that. 
genuinely though, really well done!! the text fits perfectly with the interspersed lyrics, and they add to the tension and flow rather than interrupting it. I did notice that you started out in present tense and switched to past tense at some point, so I'd recommend more consistency there. But yeah. Really well done!

Ooh thanks! Yeah I was kinda reading it out loud to myself as I wrote, and I guess that carried into the poem form. But thank you! And I'm glad that I handled it well, I wasn't very sure about it
Oh thanks! Yeah the tense switch was probably because I started this at one point, set it aside, then picked it back up, so that's the explanation most likely. But yeah.
Thanks again!!

thanks ninja! i see what you mean about the isolated bit, and it would likely make more sense with punctuation. sadly, i can't include that, since it's for the OOE competition i'm entering.

as for the second one, that's good! i hope to use it in a slam someday, actually, so i'm glad you think i would fit. i have a rhythm in mind, yeah, so it'll sound better spoken than written lmao. also, hbfdfjh yeah the five tomatoes thing has always been kinda eird to me but it fuckin. it fuckin worked and i hate that dfjhfsj

just. the whole concept. of using miles at all?? when you could just have metres? where everything divides perfectly into multiples of 10 and you can figure most stuff out with little to no effort? instead of having to teach kids unholy mnemonics just to keep track of what's happening? idk it's so hilarious to me
(but also the joke's on me because I knew all this and still chose to move to a country where they use miles. and I'm just perpetually confused)
good luck with the competition!!

aand here are the prompts for this week:

Music prompt: "Carried Home" by Marcus Warner

Image prompt: "Merlin's Cave" by Weston T Jones

word prompt:

"You’re going to send me to an early grave. Only you would manage to be unintentionally kidnapped and then casually dismantle the entire kidnapping operation. Only you."
"I’ll certainly endeavour not to send you to any kind of grave, never mind an early one."

@Dances_with_Shadows
There's so much good stuff from you this week that I don't really know what to say without making it like… an obscene amount of text

aww, thanks lol

First one:
-> wonder if it'd be more effective to cut out the "insecure and unstable mind" bit? (like the reader could extrapolate from the content of the comparison that Ryker is insecure, so we don't need to be told?)

He and Kasiya were going out to eat for lunch today, as Ryker had today off from work and they wanted to use that time to do some stuff together while they got the chance.

could be explained more gracefully. spread out over more sentences?

Just one word, just his name, and he instantly knew what his boyfriend wanted from him.

necessary?

"or did you forget that we’ve been together for three years?”

repetition of information?

Noted and will be edited
Edit: Has been edited

(also for "Arabic term of endearment" - interesting but does it add to what's happening right now?)

Um, I'm gonna keep it solely for the fact that Ryker is the kind of person to focus on little things, and that little thing right there kinda causes him to lose focus on not letting Kas beat up his ex. It's technically in his point of view, so that's why I'm going to keep it.

Second one:
love the worldbuilding!! and character dynamics!! and the descriptions!!
wonder if "your high status on the food chain means nothing to me. I outrank you with age and wisdom" is a bit heavy on the exposition? idk it could be the way Kora talks but it does feel a bit convenient

Allow me to say one thing: Kora is over 20,000 years old and loves to flaunt her age. She has a weird way of speaking, one reason being that English is not her first language, and because of her age, modern English isn't her style. That, and Kora is just… Kora. It's how she is. I wrote it for myself and a friend that already knew the characters, so had it been meant for exposition, I wouldn't have put it in there due to us both knowing that information.

Thank you for the critique! I have another chapter coming up relatively soon, once I get to finishing it, and I might have some more actual weekly writing for ya if I feel like it.

does this even need prefaced? not really. am i still going to try and explain that i had something very close to a mental breakdown last night that prompted this to be written and me to fuck up my eyebrow? yeah. yeah i am. anyway.

---

The glow in the dark stars on the ceiling
Are too clustered together.
They are fading faster than am.
What do you do, when you're so tired you can see nothing
But those yellowed stars?
Your head swims when you stand and you swear,
Those pieces of cheap plastic
Bounce around above your skull,
Like an old cartoon.
What must you look like?
The bags under your eyes are heavy,
So large they could fit
The weight of your mind.
Maybe then you could sleep.

It's so hard to write a love poem,
When all you can think of is what your skin would look like
On the inside.
What a sharp knife does in the dark,
When you can't feel anything but the ache.
You know there's a bottle of pills on top of the microwave,
But you also know that all those pills would do,
Is make you sick.
You're already sick, you think.
Why would you want to be more sick?
It's hard to feel anything anymore.

The trick to a mental breakdown is change.
You know that game well.
When the world is ending a razor
And a bottle of hair dye can fix any problem.
The secret is,
How can you hate yourself if you're not the you you hated?
How can you hate what doesn't even exist anymore?
But you do.
And you wish so badly you didn't.
It would better if you didn't exist,
But the world loves reminders that control
Is a funny little game.
Where it pulls all the shots, and the rules are pulled out of a hat.
A fedora, actually.
The trick is change, and it's too bad
This sleight of hand doesn't have an online tutorial.

So I've been heavily procrastinating and came up with this: https://www.notebook.ai/documents/98720
At this point I'm not even sure what's going on with my characters, tbh

Soo I wrote this thing based off of a prompt. I'm not really proud of it but I still kind of want an outside opinion.

---

The mask was never steel. It was always porcelain.
“Hey, I really need to talk, do you mind?”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. The mask cracks.
“Wait, really? You got a worse grade than me?”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap.
“No, I actually enjoy watching you hurt.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap. The crack is visible.
“I just don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap.
“No offense, but that looks horrid on you.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap. The smiles are the glue.
“You always settle for good enough. Just get off your ass and work harder.”
Tap tap tap. Tap.
“Do you go home and cry yourself to sleep every night? Do you? Because I do.”
Tap tap tap. The acid tears burn the mask away.
“Well you can’t be worth that much, can you?”
Tap. Tap.
“We’ve all been there. Just power through, and it’ll all be fine.”
Tap. Hammers, and bombs, and fists. The mask shatters.
“I never want to see you again.”
Porcelain cuts. Blood floods. Smiles don’t float.

ninja: your characters are all now my children and there's nothing anyone can do about it. nikita deserves a happy ending and i hope amita figures out what she needs to and makes it through this. also shura? babey. my son. i actually love the way your words flow so well, and the character interactions seems so genuine? it's like watching an interaction between real people, and that's something hard to pull off, but you've done it well. i think my only problem, and this is me reaching super far, is its hard to picture what the characters look like? i guess maybe just a mention of how the light makes someone's eyes look, the shape of their smile, something like that, would be nice. anyway, loving it

amber: i'm actually kinda digging it. even though i'm not sure what all is going on, or why the tapping, it kinda adds a short of…choppy flow, if that makes sense? like not a bad thing but a good kind of choppy, the kind you use for a faster pacing. but yeah, love that pacing so much. i guess i would like to know what's going on there? so maybe some clarification if it fits in there somewhere, y'know?

The dialogue are all things I've seen said or that have been said to me. The concept is that the words are chipping away at a mask of happiness? And that the hurt those words cause is suddenly shown because the mask breaks..
Idk if that makes sense but there you go. Is this any better? I've kind of lost the flow so I'm really not sure of the quality of this second version either lol

---

It's easy to forget that the person who receives all the tears
Needs to let them out too. And sometimes
They lose themselves in the secrets they keep
And the mask they've built around their soul
The one that pretends to be strong as steel when
In fact, it's only made of porcelain,
And every subtle tap of the words
We don't realize carve piece after piece from their mask
Hurts. And accumulates. And the porcelain bursts.

"Hey, I really need to talk, do you mind?”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. The mask cracks.
“Wait, really? You got a worse grade than me?”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap.
“No, I actually enjoy watching you hurt.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap. The crack is visible.
“I just don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap.
“No offense, but that looks horrid on you.”
Tap tap tap. Tap tap. The smiles are the glue.
“You always settle for good enough. Just get off your ass and work harder.”
Tap tap tap. Tap.
“Do you go home and cry yourself to sleep every night? Do you? Because I do.”
Tap tap tap. The acid tears burn the mask away.
“Well you can’t be worth that much, can you?”
Tap. Tap.
“We’ve all been there. Just power through, and it’ll all be fine.”
Tap. Hammers, and bombs, and fists. The mask shatters.
“I never want to see you again.”
Broken porcelain cuts. Blood floods. Smiles don’t float.

yeah, that makes a lot more sense! tbh i might just be super dumb and tired lmao. i do like the second edition, for the exposition, but honestly the first one is my favorite. second one doesn't quite click together right? the different styles, y'kno?

Right yeah
I could try and incorporate the first one in the second maybe so that it still makes sense
Anyway thank you :)

Inspired by the image prompt. Also vaguely inspired by "The Guinevere Deception" by Kiersten White. Idk how I feel about it lol. Not my favorite thing I've ever written, and it doesn't feel…done. idk lol

---

"Merlin!" the young king called as he came down the stairs, his right hand resting against the sword at his side. Excalibur, from the Lady of the Lake.

The old wizard turned slowly, his eyes landing on the king. "Yes, Arthur?" he asked, though he knew what was coming.

Arthur paused, eyes flashing over the books and scrolls and ingredients for spells, examining everything. He looked at Merlin, inhaling. "My men told me something I had not known; where is the girl, Merlin?"

"What girl do you speak of, Arthur?" Merlin asked, eyes calm and serene as he watched the king. Arthur was in his twenties now; no longer the boy that Merlin had trained and helped, Arthur was now a man in his own right. He didn't really need Merlin anymore. No, he needed a queen. They both knew that.

"The Lady of the Lake's daughter, Merlin." Arthur came closer. "I did not even know of her existence, and yet you hid her away from me before a decision could be made. "

"The decision is not yours to make." Merlin replied softly. "I know that you know that. She is not her mother. She is not a danger to you, nor the kingdom."

"Merlin. She is powerful. She cannot be allowed to roam freely."

"And why not?" the old wizard asked.

"I…" Arthur's eyes flashed away, and he shook his head. "Magic is dangerous, Merlin. My court does not want it. It is all I can do to keep you in their favor. If they found out about this girl…Merlin, she could tear Camelot apart without even meaning to."

"Ah." Merlin shook his head a little at the young king. "She would not tear it apart, Arthur. She is not a danger. She is powerful, and yes, magic can be dangerous, but so are kings."

Arthur narrowed his eyes, hand tightening on his sword. Merlin noticed the gesture, and pursed his lips. Arthur had lost trust in the man who had once been his greatest protector and friend. "What are you saying, Merlin?" He asked slowly.

"Nothing and everything, Arthur. Why the sudden interest in her?" Merlin knew exactly where the girl was. Her name was Gwen. She was only a few years younger than Arthur.

"I need a queen, Merlin. But I cannot pick any of the noblewomen from this court, and I do not have the political power for a woman from another country. This girl could be the answer to my problems." Arthur said slowly.

Merlin thought about this. "I will not hand her over like cattle, Arthur. I will not resign her to a fate she does not want. So. Here is what will be done: we will tell the court that she is a relative of mine, come to live here. You may court her, and if she has interest in being your queen, then I will allow a union between you two."

Arthur narrowed his eyes a little bit again, then finally nodded. "That will be sufficient. Where is she?"

"Gwen?" Merlin called. From a separate room came a beautiful girl, her hair falling nearly to her waist, loose and curly.

"Merlin." She said. Her attention shifted to Arthur. "And the king." She looked at Merlin again. "What is it you need of me?"

"You are to be introduced to the court, and Arthur may court you. You are under no obligation to return his interest, if you have no wish to." Merlin replied calmly.

"Gwen." Arthur said her name slowly, as if tasting it. "I'm not sure that's a fancy enough name for the court."

"Simple, then. We shall change it to Guinevere." She replied, lifting her chin as fire flashed in her green eyes.

"Guinevere." Arthur spoke quietly, looking at her. "Yes. That will fit in well."

oooo. i like the premise a lot, man. one thing though, it's all very,,, short? almost cut together weird? maybe tossing in some more to fill it would be a good idea, to round it out more. other than that, i do love the interactions between merlin and arthur, with merlin's thoughts showing that things have changed from the story we all used to know. it's interesting!

Yeahh…like I said, it really feels to me like it should be longer, but I'm lazy lmao. But thanks for the compliment! I might flesh the story out later and actually do something with it, but idk lol

hey everyone! thanks to all who shared this week!
sorry if any feedback is worded really weird/makes no sense. I'm kinda sick and in a bizarre mood rn

@crocs
…………………. that blew me away
once again, you've mastered the art of "using the small to indicate the large" and I'm here. for. it. The poem tackles super heavy struggles of agony, change, depression, etc but it works because you start with the glow-in-the-dark stars and work your way out from there
Favourite line: It's a toss-up between the last lines (fabulous. mic-drop. absolutely stunning.) and "The bags under your eyes are heavy/ So large they could fit/ The weight of your mind"
Only thing I could think to point out is that you use the word "sick" three times in pretty quick succession in the second stanza, which seems a bit odd. though that might also be deliberate because the entire point is that everything is odd and warped and surreal.
idk I just. I love this. on so many levels.
(But I also hope you're doing better!!)

and thank you for your critique!! They're all going through a bit of a rough patch so they appreciate the support haha. I have to admit I straight up forgot that physical descriptions are a thing I should probably do. so. thank you!

@amber_is_a_starchild
I actually highkey love this!! It was reflective and intense and surreal before the explanation ("Porcelain cuts. Blood floods. Smiles don't float" has Fake Obama Quote rawness tbh. 100% here for it), but the explanation also adds so much!! so idk I love both, but I also see that the second one is a bit disjointed. idk. Either way it's fabulous.

@Icefire
I really love this concept!! Lovely characterisation, pretty intense premise, you've already set up like three subplots within a few paragraphs and I'm honestly in awe.
I can see what you mean with it not feeling "done" though - it feels like a prologue/first chapter/ just in general a set up for future potential, so finishing it makes me immediately wonder what happened next. which is good! so like crocs said, I love what you've got and I wish there was more lol
idk one thing I noticed is that at some point there's this sudden rush to finish up and so the pace picks up rather startlingly - from about "Arthur narrowed his eyes a little bit again, then finally nodded" a lot of stuff suddenly gets resolved a bit faster than feels natural. It definitely feels a bit disjointed from that point onward. but yeah. nitpicks.