(lmao) i am at my limit with this party there are so many people and the smoke alarms were goin off and ahhh–)
Jude sighed, maneuvering his way off the highway, finally, "-I thought.." Jude corrected, "I think, it will work. I wouldn't have told you so much about the world if I didn't. This is going to work, and you're going to live a normal life. –Or as normal as you can manage, I guess." Jude nodded lightly to himself, What even is normal? Craving something every coherent opportunity? Hurting someone you want to love by not loving them? I want to know.
(lmao. Oo that sucks! Gtg again for reals now tho)
Nyx shrugged a little, shaking his head. "I don't…I don't think it will. Someone will figure it out, and I'll be back in a lab again, being examined to see how I work. What makes me work."
(okeee goodnight :)
"So you'd rather just…" Die? His mind answered, "Give up? Why would you do such a thing? You've gotten a glimpse of the world, you want it. I'm trying to get you outta here so you can have it, now. And you want to avoid that over a chance?" Jude shook his head slightly, remembering how he had gotten a glimpse of Nyx– who he was, and now Jude was stuck. It's better to die. His mind repeated his answer from the fairytale, So much better.
"That's the damn problem, Jude!" Nyx snapped. "I want it, and I can't…I can't have it." He realized he sounded like he was talking about Jude. "I just…I can't ever be anything like a normal person. I'll always be the outsider."
"For God's sake– stop sayin' that!" Jude snapped, his face still neutral and focused on the road. "You can have it. You can have it all. A family, friends, lovers, experiences, travels– everything. You can have it!– You're just too fucking afraid to go and get it." He shook his head, almost envious of Nyx's chance of a fresh start. Nyx was different, yes, but that didn't matter. He was a thinking, breathing, and functioning human who was a hostage, if you could even call it that.
Nyx's eyes flickered, and he looked out the window again. He was silent for a long minute, and when he finally did speak, his voice was more subdued. "Maybe I am. But you still don't know shit about me, Jude. About anything I've been through or done." He tightened his arms around his legs. "Please stop trying to make my choices for me."
Jude scoffed lightly, "Well excuse me for not knowing, but I thought I'd made it clear from the beginning…I'm just trying to be there for you so you can have a life of your own, to leave this place– me, behind. What you do once you're out is your choice, but until then, I'm not gonna let you lie down and just…" He shook his head, remembering the days where he felt the same in wanting to just stay in one place forever. Those days had been both bad and good, sometimes he was filled with a comforting numbness, and others where he smiled so much he didn't dare stop. "I'm not trying to control you."
"I'm supposed to be a weapon." Nyx finally replied, slowly. "I was designed as a government funded project. One of my hands can crush a man's head as easily as you would crush a grape." he swallowed, still not looking at Jude. "I was designed to be as close to bullet-proof as possible. Life sign is easily disguised, and I have little to no body heat. When the government lost interest in the project, I was shut down. But that's still what I am. A…a weapon, a stealth operative, a killer."
Jude’s hand gripped a little tighter around the steering wheel, his knuckles turning a little white over the polished leather. So that was the truth… A weapon? How could that be true? The gentleness that surrounded him was impossible for a military machine. Jude ground his back teeth a bit at the thought of Nyx’s entire life being about killing and hurting people. “Fuck.” He muttered under his breath. This was too much. This is too much.
Nyx swallowed a little. "That's why I had to be so careful whenever you held my hands. If I had squeezed too hard, it would have shattered every bone in your hands." he said softly. He shook his head.
God, How he wished he could hold them again. Even with the cold metal and wiring, he didn't care, because they were his hands. "I should have been more careful." He muttered under his breath. The traffic was slowing now, and they were getting close to the business district. The streetlights shone brightly against his car, moving in reflective stripes as they moved. "This was all too much for you. I should've gone slower."
Nyx shrugged a little. "I was designed, mentally, for a war-zone. It wasn't too much. Just…new." he replied after a long moment. He kept looking out the window, quiet. He could remember flashes of his training. Of his programming. What they had made him do to test out their work.
"That's fucked up." Jude laughed humourlessly, That's so fucked up. His father's tech empire- his own father's company was harbouring such inhumane experiments. The ma who (barely) raised him was someone completely different. "What the fuck." He cursed again, smiling a bit. The glowing red lights of the car in front of him had transfixed him. How could he let this happen?
Nyx blinked slowly, looking over at Jude after a moment. He bit his lip. "I…" He shook his head a little bit, ducking his head and unable to look at Jude again. He ran a hand through his hair.
Jude tried to shift his attention to the cars in front of them. His brow was slightly furrowed in a suppressing frown, and they were stopped at a red light. The evening had cast a cool darkness over the city's sky. And the exhaust coming out of the car was white and billowy. Something was either wrong with that car's engine, or it was really cold outside. Jude shook his head as his frustrated thoughts crept back in, "I don't–" He sighed, "I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am."
Nyx shrugged. "It's not your fault." He replied. "But…I guess that's another reason that I don't think that I could ever fit in. Because I was designed for war." For Afghanistan or Iran, for Russia and stealth operations in North Korea. For China, for everywhere that an operative like him could have been needed. Not for…for falling in love or leading a normal life.
"It's my father's, for not knowing about this, if we're giving him the benefit of the doubt, or maybe even letting this happen in the first place." Jude said, feeling almost…ashamed to be his son, for the first time in his whole life. "You can and will lead a normal life, because you're you. You're just like everyone else– you know what I mean. And you're gonna get out of here and travel and live and love and do all that great stuff." He shrugged, his expression neutral but begging to be happy for him. He pulled onto their street, circling the block to get to the hidden parking lot.
Nyx shrugged. "No, I…" He shook his head a little. "I don't think so." He replied slowly. "I wasn't designed for a normal life. I was designed for…for war and destruction, and killing people…" He shook his head again.
"Man, fuck that." Jude laughed quietly before putting the car in park and turning to him,
"You're nothing like you say. I mean– you kissed me like there was no tomorrow," He said a little quieter, trying not to reopen the wounds of the past few hours. It was worth making the point about, but it stung a little.
"You're a person– I hope you know that. Not a weapon." Jude said softly, trying to meet Nyx's gaze as it drifted far from here, through the window as he spoke.
Nyx's eyes were looking out the window again, at the building he had spent most of his life inside. Hell, all of his life, that he remembered. "Because tomorrow isn't a guarantee for me, Jude. I don't wake up on my own, I don't…" he shook his head slightly. "And how do you know I'm a person? What's your requirements for a person?"
"My requirements?" Jude said, "You make it sound like a criteria. When I look at you…I see skin, hair, eyes, and obviously metal, yes. But you're so much more than that– you have your own thoughts, opinions, feelings…" He looked away. "You're complicated, but so is everyone else."
Nyx shrugged slightly. "I'm more metal than I am skin or hair or eyes. Only one of my eyes is still flesh, and neither one of them can cry anymore." he replied. "I can only live because of the metal and wires. Take those away, and the stuff left behind wouldn't be enough to keep me alive."
"It's not about how you're alive, Nyx. It's the fact that you are. You're living, breathing, and talking to me. Don't you realize what you're doing? You're human. Different, but human. There's nothing you can do to change my mind." Jude sighed quietly, glancing at the high beams spotlighting the rough pavement in front of them. "The circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It's what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." He quoted.
Nyx shrugged a little bit. "If you say so." He replied. He shook his head for a moment. "I still think…I don't know." He ran a hand through his hair.
Jude sighed again, turning to the creeping dark that surrounded them. He wanted to stay here with Nyx– in his car, hidden away, with the faintest sound of music from the radio that he hadn't noticed earlier. This was his chance, after this their world would fade away– the feeling by the train tracks, the cool grass tickling their skin as they rolled around in the quiet meadow, their kiss… Jude thought a silent goodbye, hoping that Nyx would have days like this again.
"C'mon," He said quietly, looking from him to the back door.
Nyx nodded, and undid his seat belt, climbing out of the car and heading to the door. He looked up at the sky for a long moment, crossing his arms loosely and swallowing. He wished he could rewind back to this morning. Back to before the kiss, before everything they had said and done.
Jude leaned against the car for a moment, watching Nyx look up to the sky. His expression was a little troubled, wishing for something out of the faint stars. The feeling had gone, and so had the sunset. Jude bit his lip as he walked slowly to the door, not bothering to lock his car, he'd be out in a minute. What a waste of a lovely night. Jude thought, remembering a scene from La La Land, the musical, and reminding himself to write that down in his movie recommendations for Nyx.
Nyx followed Jude inside the building again, swallowing. He really, really wished he could rewind. Fix this day. Give himself more self-control so that he didn't kiss Jude the way he did, didn't fuck everything up with that kiss. God. He really fucked everything up.
The lights seemed to blind him, too bright and artificial for the day they'd had, surrounded by nature. He made his way, slowly, around the short bend of the room, noting that he'd have to do something about the pod. Nyx couldn't backpack across the world with a two-hundred-pound pod. "I'll uh- be here tomorrow." Jude nodded, not knowing that that wouldn't end up being true.
Nyx nodded. "Alright." He replied. "And even if you aren't…I won't notice." His voice was quiet. "I can't tell the passing of time in there." He gestured to the pod as he walked over to it, getting in.
