"Why not?" Nyx retorted, clenching his jaw for a moment. He stopped when he heard the strange sound of metal scraping on bone, and realized he had clenched his jaw far too hard. He sighed, probing his teeth with his tongue to make sure nothing had broken.
“Because you deserve to live. That’s why.” Jude said, his burning cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and his hair hung over his eyes like a ragged curtain hiding his gaze of regret. “It’s my fault this happened.”
"I kissed you. Not the other way around. It's mine." Nyx replied. "Because I didn't stop and think about it." He kept his arms crossed, not looking at Jude. He dug in the grass with his toes, eyes fixed on his feet. He bit his lip a little. God, he wanted to be kissed again. But that couldn't happen. Shouldn't happen.
"I kissed you first, though." Jude turned to face him, taking a long drag and hoping it might take away the memory of Nyx's mouth. "I'd kiss you again, If I could. We shouldn't talk about this anymore, anyways." He shook his head, looking away as his hair swayed a bit in the cool air. "I'm trying stop this before it turns into something…bad for me, and I don't like that you think it's your fault. So..it's best if we just– drop it."
Nyx took a deep breath, and shook his head a little bit. "You don't understand what I'm trying to say, Jude." he replied, raking a hand through his hair. "I…I want to kiss you again. And I know that…I shouldn't, but I don't know if I can have enough self-control not to, and I don't want to end up…" he shook his head again.
Jude turned to Nyx, throwing his cigarette butt into a puddle. His breathing quickened as he neared him, now only inches from each other. Jude clenched his jaw, staring at Nyx, "Last one? And then we can't do it again." He said slowly, his hands curling at the thought of raking through Nyx's hair. "We can't."
Nyx's hands came up as a barrier between them. "I don't think that's a good idea." he replied softly, avoiding Jude's eyes. Even if I want to. God, I want to so badly. He swallowed, eyes flickering to their feet, and shaking his head a little bit. "It's not a good idea."
"But you just said– " His eyes flickered down to Nyx's hands, thinking it was probably a good idea if they didn't. This would torment him after, and he knew it would push him further over the line of stability. But he wanted to 'say goodbye,' just to leave him with a better memory of them together, a final kiss like taking a long breath of air before going underwater. "Just ten seconds…and then we'll never talk about it again."
(hoii goodmornin~~ just wanted to ask you if you were comfortable with me writing abt drugs, cus i have this idea of having jude come in a day late all hammered and quietly angsty, but if not thats perfectly fine too :)
(dude, I am totally fine with it. Go ahead)
But I don't want that. Nyx thought petulantly. I want you to kiss me every day, and I want you to want me and love me without having to worry about this stupid addiction thing. "It's not a good idea." he said again, softer. "Please, Jude."
"Why not?" Jude said, clenching his jaw for the hundredth time this day, "Isn't this what you want? I'm here– just this last time– I swear, and then we'll stop." The words, all to familiar to Jude echoes in his veins, the very bruised ones that used to trigger the same words, just this last time– I swear, and then I'll stop.
"Of course it's what I want!" Nyx snapped. "But if I'm…if it isn't good for you, than we shouldn't." He crossed his arms again, taking a deep breath. "God damnit, Jude! Come on!"
"Just one more time? Please." Jude sighed, grinding his teeth a bit, "I know it's bad for me, it'll be the last time. Just–" He stared at Nyx, the silence around them waiting for his next words. "Yes or No?"
Nyx finally shook his head. "No." He replied softly. God, I want to. "We shouldn't. We can't." He swallowed hard, looking at his feet again, not wanting to look at Jude. I want to so bad.
Jude took the smallest step closer, testing himself, "Yes or No? Tell me again." He tilted his head, trying to get Nyx's eye to meet his. "Yes. Or. No?"
Nyx swallowed, and shook his head. "No." He said firmly. He didn't know what he would say if Jude asked again. If he could refuse again. His resolve was crumbling, his heart desperate for just one more kiss. Just one more. He took a deep breath, still not meeting Jude's eyes.
Jude turned away, slow but abrupt, away from Nyx and began to walk down the short hill in the direction of the car. His mind was blank, gray and darkened with slurring thoughts as he walked with the wind rippling the grass, telling him to turn back and kiss him anyways. Nothing was coherent for Jude, like his thoughts were numb and colourless beings not wanting to say or do anything. He liked it this way; to feel nothing until he was in a space where he'd feel everything, all at once.
Nyx, watching Jude leave, was very, very glad he couldn't cry. Or he knew he would have. As it was, a stifled, pained little gasp left his throat, and he covered his mouth with a hand for just a moment. It isn't fair. His mind complained. He wished he could shout it. It isn't fair that we have to be like this. That I can't be a person and you…you have this stupid addiction.
Jude walked slowly through the field as if his body was trying to push him back to Nyx, the air around them turning to water as he sank through it, trying to move closer to the trees without being picked up by the current. The sky had turned a darkened purple, and the sun was nowhere to be found. All that remained now were the two figures making their way through the grass under a heavenward of bitter clouds and faint stars. Through his hazy thoughts, Jude managed to think of a story told by a stranger, somewhere in northern Italy, about a princess and a knight with a great but unknown love for each other; but they were friends. On the day that the prince longed to confess, he asked her: "Is it better to speak, or die?" His mind repeated, Is it better to speak, or die? and he answered, "It is better to die, rather than to speak knowing death will come from speaking."
Nyx followed him after a few minutes, arms crossed and his body and heart longing to be kissed again. Wanting to be held and kissed. But he couldn't have that. He would just hurt Jude. He wasn't good for the other male, he knew that. And it hurt. It hurt, because that was all he wanted now. Just Jude. But he couldn't have that.
Jude walked through the short patch of forest in a blur; the green surrounding them seeming to move past him as he stood still, trying to process the situation in a way that would warrant self-preservation. It was like Jude was an animal who was in captivity for too long, not knowing how to go on from here. His mind told him little lies of 'this is fine,' and 'everything will be okay now,' trying to soften the blow of not letting him be with Nyx.
Nyx followed after him, keeping his distance as much as he could. He knew that the best thing would be for Jude to put him back in the pod and never come back. Never open it up again. Hell, that was almost what Nyx wanted.
Jude found himself at his car in what felt like seconds, realizing that he was standing on gravel rather than grass. He snapped out of his short daze, fumbling for his keys. The car's lights flashed and it chirped, unlocking all the doors before Jude climbed in, staring through the windshield for a moment, at the very hill they were on moments before, now darkened by the coming night. This is what's best for both of us.
Nyx sat down in the passenger seat, getting buckled and staring ahead in silence. Waiting to go back and unsure what to say. Not sure if he should bring up the pod again. He knew that it was probably better if Jude left him in that pod again, forever. He wasn't even supposed to be out in the first place.
Jude drove in silence, but his heart ached for him to say things he felt. 'I don't know why I'm like this.' 'I'm sorry if I'm hurting you.' 'I don't want you to think this is because of you.' 'I'm going to make bad decisions.'
"You really should just put me back in the pod and leave me there." Nyx finally said softly. "I shouldn't even be out in the first place." He was slouched in the seat, his knees tucked to his chest. His head was leaned against his knees, eyes staring out the window.
Jude frowned a bit, eyes flickering over the traffic ahead. "I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about this. It's not an option." He bit his lip, thinking back to the words he'd overheard his father say to his colleague when he was young, words that told Jude he was a mistake, and that he too, should even be here in the first place. "I don't know why you keep bringing this up."
(gonna be on and off, this party is hectic ahhhh)
Nyx tucked his shoulders in a little. "I just…I think it would be better that way." He replied slowly, not looking at Jude and staring out the window still. "Sorry. I didn't mean…I…" He shrugged.
(Ok. I gtg to bed soon most likely)
Jude shook his head lightly, "For who? Me? To know that someone's frozen in time, not living life, because I don't know how to love someone anymore?" He scoffed, "I'm just gonna work, and help you until you can…live on your own terms, I guess."
(just kidding about leaving. I'm back for a bit)
"For both of us." Nyx replied. "These last few days have been…have been amazing, but I…we're fooling ourselves if either of us thinks I can ever live anywhere close to normal." his voice was a little bitter. "Not with my hands, or my…most of my body. Even covered in something, it'll still be cold and fake."