forum LittleBear and Hollydraws read each other's stories because writing buddies are amaze

Started April 12, 2018 by @Oakiin

tune

I swear I haven't forgotten you. Finals are crazy… good luck on yours!

hhhh same! :D I wish you all the best, its okay if you want to wait till they're done I'm probs not going to have hardly anytime for the next couple days, due to a trip we're taking TwT

So finals are finally done! Here are my edits and hopefully I will have something for you soon! Hope that your trip went well!

So here I just took out some things that seem extraneous in Paragraph 1

• “You may wonder why I am telling you this story, of a land beyond a land, so far away from young Java.”
• The “in all things wholesome” is confusing and I am not sure if it fits. Once it is taken out, none of the meaning is lost and it reads cleaner.
• “The truth be told, I cannot spoil it for you.” ‘As of this moment’ makes it seem like you will spoil it later on, before the even happens. I think that you mean the audience will learn about it in due time. So by taking it out, it clears it up.
• “You will soon learn why, I’m sure, and you will be grateful I kept my pen silent about it, for I could have ruined this whole story.”
• I took out the “by telling part” because the added phrase is a little redundant.

Paragraph 2

• However, I believe it is time to return to Java, as he has grown enough for me to start telling his story without boring you. Time, as it often did long ago, travels much quicker than today’s age, and he is now in his earliest of twenties, a fine, noble age for a young king-to-be.
• Turn “he will have” to “has” since (I think) this is third person omniscient (unless it is limited) and by having it be ‘will have’ makes it seem like the narrator is just giving guesses or rough estimates. If you are looking to make him an unreliable narrator then keep going with it, but if he (or she) is meant to be omniscient I would take it out.

Paragraph 3

• “He had grown into a quiet, slightly brusque, wise, loyal and courageous fellow.” – This feels like a laundry list of attributes and gets in the SDT (show don’t tell) arena. I would cut it down to one or two; five seems a little excessive. Let the reader make their own decisions about him.
• “He was, being royalty, a bit haughty, and had a holier-than-thou air to him when talking to others, but he had a kind heart, and a beautiful (if rare) smile.” I would break this into two different sentences:
• “As one would expect from a royal, he was a bit haughty. However, he had a kind heart and a smile that could melt your soul – that is if you were lucky enough to behold it.”
• “He had few friends amongst his own kind, but more amongst animals, specifically his shaggy, white pony, whose name was Snowjon, and who had an attitude twice the size that he was.” Girl, your sentences are murdering my eyeballs again.
• Cut this into two: He had few friends amongst his own kind, but more amongst animals. He especially loved his shaggy, white pony, Snowjon, who had an attitude twice the size that he was.”
• “He was a well-bred Edic Throe, one of the finest in the land, and stood at fourteen hands square; sturdy, loyal, hard-working, if a bit prone to biting those he disliked. (You will find that he dislikes almost everyone save Java later on).” I would just take out the “later on”, that’s implied.

Paragraph 5

• “I must have mentioned to you at a previous point the name of this world, (on re-read I found that I have not), but I will reiterate regardless.” This sentence let the audience know that the narrator is going to be pretty involved in the story telling, but I feel like you have a lot of other sentences that achieve this affect. I would take it out as it doesn’t add anything to the story.
• “From the highest point of Riahc, the far north-east, to the tip of the lands of Hukx, the farthest south-west, the land was spoken of as Etihw Gge.” I love that we get a visible map! The only thing I would change ‘was spoken of as’ to ‘was called’. If my memory serves me right, you haven’t used this phrase before so to use it now feels a little off.
• “I apologize if that is difficult for one to pronounce, but you must understand that languages were much different to the ones today.” I would change the ‘much different to the ones today’ to ‘much different from the ones today’.
• “Java and Snowjon were, at the time we catch up to them, travelling through the cold, wintery forest outside their kingdom, which I also may have forgotten to mention the name of” Take out the ‘which I also may have forgotten to mention the name of. Just get straight to business (to defeat the Huns)
• “It will show up on no map, but is called Dragga, and is is a good place to want to be, if you are a Java or a Snowjon travelling in the cold, wintery forest right outside of it.” First off, you have a double ‘is’ and then the “wintery forest right outside of it” is outside the forest of Dragga? This sentence makes it seem like its forest outside of a forest. I think that maybe this is just a typo?

Paragraph 6

• “So on they went, the reins loose in Java’s hands as he let his thoughts wander far and wide.” I added an “on” that sound more complete I guess? Idk.
• “In pouches on either side of his cantle were three rabbits, and in the quiver on the pommel was his bow and arrows.” By cantle do you mean saddle?

AND the size of that blip was perfect!

Hey! :D Thank you so much! :D I'll have time to properly reply in a few days, sorry again for the delay TwT
Chipping away at yours, but I have two rambunctious nephews demanding my attention 24/7 xD
Hope you're doing well, and thanks for asking about my trip, it's going well! :D (Still can't wait to get home though :3)

Hey, just letting you know I am still alive, I am SUPER BUSY right now (going to bed at 12 waking up at 5 busy) though. So I will not be available until after the 16th!

That's okay!!
tbh I'm really stressed rn, not doing so well mentally, so I don't mind at all :)
Looking forward to your return, however! :D

Hope you feel better, I know we're just internet friends but if you need help you can pm me and I am more than willing to talk

Thanks, that really means a lot. hugs
I'll defiantly keep you in mind, and if you ever need to talk, I'll be here as well <3

(( Hey girly! I'm back for a brief spell (before I head to Germany for a month) and struck with inspiration! So I'm going to upload like a fiend, feel free to critique at your own pace! Thanks so much for being patient with me! Also how are you!))

Erion

The best officers are not made by solely by the brilliance of their maneuvers or the number of battles won, rather by how they regard their soldiers. Severe and tyrannical treatment may be passable in the short term; however, it does nothing to inspire loyalty or discipline – only resentment. There is such a way to motivate men with a proper example of compassion for ones fellow soldier. It is imperative that when giving orders to troops that one does – “Erion!” Eline shook my shoulder and pulled me out of my textbook.

Lady Morn just happened to passing at that moment and her hawkish eyes narrowed as she stopped in her tracks. “Miss Camile, you know better than to shout in the library. Either carry on your conversation elsewhere or stop,” she said sternly and continued on her way.

Eline looked both mortified and furious, her mouth gaping like a fish at Lady Morn’s back. I stifled a snicker as I gathered my books and notes. Gods, I could feel her seething next to me as we left the library.

Eline found her voice the moment the grand doors closed behind us. “Honestly! That woman! I – just, ugh!” she sputtered.

Without thinking, I laughed. I immediately regretted it.

“You think this is funny, do you?” She spat and bumped me with her hip.

I am not proud to say that I stumbled slightly. “Alright, that was in poor taste. I deserve that,” I said as I rubbed my side. “You have such a bony backside. I believe you cut me.”

She shot me a glare for a moment but then broke into a smile. “You are a bony ass.”

“There you go again. Not nice.” I grinned at her as she laughed at me. “Now what was so important that you risked incurring the wrath of Lady Morn?”

“Risked? I did incur her wrath,” She said, rolling her eyes.

“Stop arguing semantics and spit it out Eline,” I teased. But to my surprise instead of a witty comeback, the blood rose to Eline’s cheeks.

Was she okay? Was she sick? Eline never blushed. She tucked a stray strand of blond hair behind her ear with a shaky hand and my concern only grew. There was a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. There was something wrong. What was she hiding?

“Oh, stop being impatient. I will tell you when we get to the courtyard.” She was deliberately not looking at me. Her hand was balled into a fist and it was trembling ever so slightly. Eline was going to tell me something devastating; I could feel it in my bones.

We went the rest of the way to the courtyard in an awkward silence. Thankfully, it was not too much further. I trailed after her as she strode to her favorite bench, the one under the cherry tree. It was in full bloom and a few petals escaped every time the wind blew. She patted the spot next to her and looked up at me expectantly.

I could hear my heart pumping in my ears as I sat next to her. “Yes?” The hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end and looking at her was like trying to look at the sun – unbearable.

Eline looked down at her hands folded carefully in her lap. She was holding them so tightly that her knuckles were white. “It has taken me so long to find the courage to say this so you had better let me finish or the gods themselves will fear my wrath. Understand?”

I nodded.

“Other than my family, you were my first friend. I have made all of my other friends because of your kindness. Without you, I would still be that sullen little girl in the kitchens with her nose stuck in a book, making snide comments about dumb people.”

I could not help myself. “You still do that!” I ribbed.

She hit me, but rewarded me with a smile. “I will end you Uradavi.”

I held up my hands in surrender.

Eline looked off into the distance. “Now, I have a whole group of people who accept me for who I am. Who laugh with me. Who help me dry my tears. Who will support me when I need it. And I them. All because of you. You have given me the world without asking anything in return.” She seemed to find her strength because she turned to me. “I mean at first you just wanted my food, but you have not asked for anything since. Whenever I have something happy or sad to share, I want to run to you. You have become my safe place, my home.” She took a shaky breath and grabbed one of my hands. “You have to promise me that whatever I say will not ruin our friendship. I do not need an answer now, but please do not hide from me. That would break my heart.”

My head was a swirling pool of emotions. Up was down. Left was right. My body was turning to stone. I did not know whether to be relieved or scared. I had thought that someone had died or she was leaving or she had some flesh-eating disease. But, if she was going to say what I think she was going to say – that was almost worse. Do not jump to conclusions! Hear her out! I chided myself.

“Of course, I could not hide from you if I tried,” I said as I picked a stray cherry blossom out of her hair.

“I think that I love you Erion. I think that I always have.”

Gods above and below, I was going to break her heart. Until now, my greatest fear had been
Marielle finding out how I felt about her. But this was worse – so much worse.

“I know that you fancy Marielle, but Jerlorn is starting to woo her and –”

Wait. She knew? Who else knew? Did Marielle? I could feel my eyes growing wider. Sweat was starting to bead on my forehead. Any thoughts I had were replaced by internal screaming.

She must have seen me panicking because she sighed, “Do not worry, you infant. I only know because I know you so well.”

Oh, the agony she must have felt as I pined over Marielle. I wanted to hide from the shame of it all.

She tucked her hair behind her ear again. “I do not need your reply, but promise me you will think on it.”

I stared at her for who knows how long before I regained control of my brain. “I promise,” I croaked. With sweaty palms, I held both of her hands in mine and gave them a squeeze. “And you and I will be friends until the end of time. I promise that too.”

She nodded curly, all the tension gone from her little body. Then she got up, kissed me on the cheek, and walked away. As she left, she whispered, “Thank the gods that is over with” under her breath.

I watched as the wind played with her hair and skirts. More blossoms rained down and I was struck by how beautiful the scene could have been had I not been thunderstruck.

Eline.

Eline?

Eline.

She did have a beauty about her, with her small features and fiery personality. She was like a murderous pixie, just waiting for the opportunity to rip you to shreds. Even the way she moved was like that – she always looked like she had somewhere to be. She always moved with a purpose.

Could I love her back?

I thought about all the times that we sat next to each other, poring over textbooks and wishing for more adventures. I thought about all of the times we snuck out of the castle to explore Estonie. Every memory of us seemed to float around my head. I wanted so desperately for that spark to ignite, the one that I felt when I thought of Marielle. That breathless feeling, the one that made me feel like a fish out of water.

Nothing came. There was only the low hum of friendship. It was a gentle warmth of a hearth on a cold day or of cookies straight from the oven.

Defeated, I finally forced myself to make my way home. The entire ride was a blur; my mind just dissected every one of Eline’s words over and over again. I moved mindlessly towards my chambers before I was called out of my stupor.

“Erion!” Mother yelled. I blinked up at her as she descended the stairs. “I have called you more times than I care to count.”

“My apologies, Mother. My mind is elsewhere,” I said, making sure to look her directly in the eye.

Her brow furrowed slightly and she motioned me closed to her. I met her at the foot of the staircase and she raised the back of her hand to my forehead. “You are not feverish, and yet you look afflicted.”

“It is nothing Mother. My day was taxing is all.” I made sure to stand as straight as possible, praying that she would move on so that I could go think my life over.

She looked skeptical but she dropped her hand and the subject. “Go and pack a bag with some clothes. I am sending you to continue your learning elsewhere. You –”

“What? No! I –”

The look on her face was thunderous. In that instant I would have rather had the ground swallow me whole or have my tongue ripped out by Rionel in the Third Hell than be in front of Mother. Her eyes were like ice as she looked down at me. “Do you wish to continue? If your words are more important than mine, I will wait.”

“No Mother. I have nothing of importance.” I looked at my shoes.

“You will not be returning for some time. Were I you, I would bring a few things of sentimental value. Go.” She pointed up the stairs and I took the opportunity to flee.

I only stopped once I had reached the top of the staircase on the third floor to look down at the foyer. Mother was wiping down the bust of her favorite philosopher and for a moment, I truly and deeply despised her. I pushed the thought away. There was no way that she could have known the dilemma I was facing. This was not her fault. Still, the anger lingered.

Once I had packed the essentials, I took a moment to look around my room. Nothing stood out to me. Oddly, it felt wrong to take anything of real worth. Mother did not approve of sentimentality and so her advice felt wrong. Instead, I took only an inkwell, my new quill, and a roll of parchment. I promised myself that I would write Eline the moment I had a chance.

Travel case in hand, I made my way down the limestone steps. I had almost made it to the last step when I heard a sound behind me. Before I could turn, coarse fabric fell over my head.

Then something hit the back of my legs and I fell to my knees. Someone grabbed my arms and wrenched them behind my back. I manage to yelp before something hit the side of my head, hard. Nothing followed but blackness.

(Hey hey hey! :D Great to hear from you! Ooh, you're going to Germany! OoO That sounds so cool! How long are you there for?
On first skim-read, I REALLY like it, I can't wait to sit down and get into it >w< Hopefully I'll have it critiqued by the time you get back <3
Hey, I'm more then happy to be patient with you, considering how patient you've been with me hugs
I've been pretty good! Working on scripting my first video game so yeet xD It's A LOT of hard work TwT
How about you?)

I'm back and will have something uploaded (hopefully) soon!

Thanks for being so patient with me! Beware the passage is LONG (Ill give it a quick read through, so sorry if I miss any typos or grammar!). Also side note, Erion calls Eline "Cat" because she can be so temperamental some days and affectionate in others.

Erion -

The moment the carriage door opened, I felt as if the weight of the world fell off my shoulders. The air was cool and humid, the breeze was gentle, and the road was paved with limestone. The sun did not scorch my skin. But, most importantly, there was no sand. Finally, I was home.

Somehow, I had expected it to change in my absence, but it looked as if I had only left yesterday.

“Lad, your things,” Sangar said as he thrusted my bags at me. One was the standard issue all the apprentices received and the other was the bag I had packed so many years ago. I took them and without another word, he shut the door and the carriage rode off.

Out of curiosity, I opened the clasp and found a few clothes and the roll of parchment, inkwell, and quill. Only now, the parchment was horribly creased, the quill broken, and the ink had dried long ago.

“Erion?” asked a high and musical voice, like a viola. “Erion!”

I turned and saw her. Gods above and below, time had been kind to her. Gone was the pretty girl who tripped over her own feet. In her stead was a beautiful raven-haired creature, tall and willowy, who moved like a dancer as she flew down the stairs. Only those big eyes were familiar to me.

I set my things down, ready to hold her hands in greeting, but Marielle had other ideas. She launched herself at me and I thanked the gods for my training, for our faces almost collided. I held her to me and her hair tickled my face as I rested my cheek on her hair. She still smelled of vanilla and oranges.

“Where have you been?” She exclaimed, a little too close to my ear. “It has been so long and I missed you so! I have so much to tell you!” She pulled away from me and it took all of my strength to let her go. The feeling of her against me comforted my bruised heart. It was fitting that she was the first one to embrace me in all this time. It was her face that kept me strong through the grueling training and horrifying tasks. The thought seeing her smile gave me the will to continue on.

“My mother did not tell you?” It was odd to think that Marielle had seen Mother more than I had.

“She told us that she sent you to study culture across the sea,” Marielle said, her brow furrowed. “But, it was so strange of you to just disappear. Jerlorn and Solin were convinced that you were dead. And Eline, oh Eline was livid with you for the longest time.”

I smiled at her and simply said, “That is more or less the truth. I learned slightly more than culture.”

“Oh, Erion! You know how I hate it when you act so tight-lipped! Tell me all about your adventures,” she scolded as she nudged me.

“Truly, I –”

“Is that Erion?” boomed a rolling baritone.

“By Archanie, it is him!” was the slightly more bass answer. Before I could do a thing, I was bowled over by two hulking men, one with hair as deep as Strician dark roast and the other’s could rival a setting Lianian sun.

“Solin! Jerlorn!” I managed to wheeze from the courtyard floor. “I cannot breathe!”
Laughing, they leapt up off me and pulled me to my feet.

“Where in three hells have you been?” Jerlorn asked. His close-cropped beard suited him well and from the looks of it, it barely covered a new scar on his cheek. “You have missed so much! It felt wrong that you were not with us for all of our adventures.”

“We were both sent to the Lianian badlands,” Solin said.

“Then to the Strician Ocean,” Jerlorn had started to count on his fingers.

“Over the Macraton Mountians –”

Suddenly a window flew open and a blond woman leaned out. “What is all the comot –” Her eyes caught mine and I knew that sharp gaze anywhere. It was Eline. Twenty years or a second later, I really could not say, she pulled the window closed and disappeared.

Solin elbowed me and whispered, “Heirokeps have mercy on you.”

“Why would I need him, of all the gods?” I looked away from Eline in the window to see him looking quite solemn.

“Eline was a right terror for at least six months after you left,” he said. “She just about tore off all of our heads, one time or another. She missed her best friend.”

I ran a hand through my hair and tried to compose myself.

Marielle grabbed my free hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, “this was years ago, we have all grown so much since then.”

“Thank you,” I breathed and after a returned squeeze, I made my way inside the palace.

It had not changed in the slightest since I had left. The same velvet runners were laid precisely across the floor and up the staircase, bordered with embroidered braids of all of the house colors. The crystal chandeliers still glittered with light from white candles, up in the lofty rafters. Once I reached the third floor, in the Camile house’s wing, the runners turned to the amethyst of their house gem.

I went to the door that was as familiar as my own and ran my fingers across the engraved plaque on the door. I could still remember the day they put it up, Eline was so proud that she could barely contain herself. It read Eline Camile and underneath it had her family crest and moto, Guardians of Knowledge, Agents of Progress. I knocked gently.

“Enter,” was the quiet answer.

She was a sight. The sun streamed through the open window and set her neatly pinned curls aglow. The breeze played at the gossamer curtains and stirred the gentle air. The only sound was a faint scratching of her quill across what looked like a ledger. She did not look up.

“Cat?” I whispered as I entered and closed the door behind me. The click had a certain finality about it.

“Did you not have a quill and parchment?” At her cold tone, I could not help but think of the first time we met. It had taken me weeks to get her to smile.

“I did,” I lied. How could I tell her that I had been an assassin apprentice in all the time I was gone? Telling her I could have written her would have just led to more questions. The very thing hurt me to no end, but there were greater things at stake than my feelings.

“Did you become illiterate?” She continued to write.

“I did not.” At this, she finally looked up at me.

“I see that you are still in possession of your hands. So why did you not write me?” she paused and waited for my excuse.

I could not think of anything. I was too busy looking at how she had changed. She still looked like a fairy, but she had grown into herself. Fair had turned to elegance.

She dropped her quill on the blotting cloth and pushed herself to her feet. The scraping of her chair against the floor was deafening.

“Do you have an answer? At all?” Eline asked as she strode up to me. One thing had remained unchanged. She was not afraid to invade a man’s personal space to make a point – which she did by shoving me with all her strength. She pushed so hard that I actually had to take a step back. “Answer me you idiot!”

She spun away from me and went to the window, her infuriated breathing filling the silence. Eline patted her hair back into place and it struck me how adult the movement was.

After what felt like an eternity, I found my voice. “I could not find the words. I wanted desperately to get back and accept you. But mother sent me away the very day you told me how you felt.”

Briefly, I thought about reaching out to touch her. In a way, I did love her and seeing her in pain caused a pang in my own heart. I just did not love her the way she wanted. In the end, I kept my hands by my side. “When I was able to write, I realized that I could not change my feelings. I thought of you, but my heart only yearned for her. I thought that you would be better off if you moved on without me. Kinder.”

She turned to me with piercing eyes and clenched fists. A tear ran down her cheek and the weight of it caused my chest to constrict.

“You were gone for four years.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “I never had a chance, did I?”

“I –”

She held up a hand and cut me off. “I do not want any more excuses. Leave me.”

“Eline –” I made a move towards her.

“I will see you another time Erion.” She moved past me and opened the door. “I need to be at Solin’s side.”

I watched her skirts swing around her as she left.

Haha, no, no, thank-YOU for being patient with ME! xDD
Here's a lil' tiny story concept that I only just started developing, what do you think of the plot idea?

The Third

World war 3 is happening, nuclear warfare is a possibility, and Shaina Hopson, a sixteen year old survivor of the initial attacks, loses out on her dream of becoming a video game concept artist. Shaina, her sister, Maddie, mother, Leyla, and father, Chris, all escape from their house on the edge of Jackson, Wyoming, fleeing the invading soldiers and managing to lose them in Yellowstone National Park. They find more survivors as they go: Cason, a ten year old who's parents were killed in the initial fighting, Karli, Leyla and Evan, three more survivors without family of their own who befriend Shaina's parents.
Together, with the occasional help of an old doctor who seems far too good at surviving for his age, the family manages to avoid detection by the soldiers who are combing the park for survivors just like them. Shaina vows to protect Maddie and Cason, but her loyalties are challenged by the choice between her charges, the rest of her family, and the possibility that she could play a part in ending the war.
Her choices could dictate weather or not her family survives the war, and weather they can pick up where they left off in their lives. Though things will never be the same, Shaina will never give up hope that they might again be okay.

I know this is a terribly written overview, but hey I just hashed it out real quick xD

I like it a lot! It seems like a cross between Red Dawn and the Walking Dead! The only thing I would say is Leyla is a pretty uncommon name so to have both the mother and one of the three survivors have the same name is probably not the best idea.

Oh heavens I mis-wrote that! xDD Thanks so much for catching that >w< There is only one Leyla, (the mom), I just accidentally stuck her in the other survivors list too, lol xDD
Glad you like it though!! :D It is a little bit based off the Walking Dead. My friend showed me two random episodes in the middle of like season 5 I think? So I got pretty inspired. Never actually watched it myself though :)

Whoo, its been a long week. I've just finished moving in and all that jazz which left me like no time to write! But here it is!

Side note: Erion finds out that Jerlorn is marrying Marielle and Solin is marrying Eline. He has resolved to try and win Marielle – despite his friendship to Jerlorn.

Erion –
The man was plain in every sense of the word. Even as I was looking at him, I began to forget what he looked like. I supposed that is what made him one of our best.

“Yes, and what did your men find?” I asked.

There was no emotion in his face as he gave his report, “There is an influx of immigrants at our borders. Unfortunately, there is no way to tell exact figures since there are no outposts or checkpoints. The majority of them are family units from Lian, Marcat, and Rondolvo. All of the locations, except the one near Holvim are ideal candidates for your Lady Mother’s projects.”

I made my way to the large map hanging on my wall and looked for the word. “And what is so special about Holvim?” I asked.

“You will not find it on a map, m’lord. The town is much too small for that,” he said as he pointed to a part of the map that looked to be a full week’s ride or more from Estonie. “The community is very small and entirely too interested –”

“Interested?” I interrupted.

“Curious. Our men could not stay longer than two days without raising suspicion,” he finished.

My own curiosity was piqued. Part of me yearned to know what this grand operation was and the other, much wiser, part of me knew that I did not want to know – not in the slightest. In the end, I left it alone.

“Very well, if you would turn please,” I said as I sat down at my desk. I scribbled the down last details of the new report and blew gently on the ink until it faded away. I added it to other stack of seemingly blank parchments, flipped it over and gave the fake medical documents a quick glance, and then slipped it into its envelope. The wax dripped prettily into a opalescent wax blob and it gently warmed my signet ring as I stamped it. “Ensure that my eldest brother gets this before nightfall.”

He took the envelope gingerly and took his leave, as silently as he had come.

Regarding the map again, my mind wandered to my travels. I was lost in thoughts about the missing Lianian princess when there was a timid knock.

“Enter,” I called and a maid opened the door.

She curtsied deeply and said, “The Ladies Eline and Marielle request your presence in the Vrualti wing.”

What ever could the two of them want with me? Marielle I could see, but Eline? As far as I was aware, she still wanted to flay me alive. “Would you do me the pleasure of showing me exactly where they are? I must confess that I rarely spend time calling upon the artisans,” I bade her.

“Of course, m’Lord” she breathed and we began our way through the winding halls of the palace.

After a time in silence, she dared ask “M’Lord may I speak out of turn?” The poor thing looked as if she was about to pass out from fear of breaking etiquette.

“Speak freely; you will face no reprimand from me.” The words seemed to bring her a little solace.

“All of the palace staff missed your dearly whilst you were away. But it seems as if you have returned in body alone. There is a change about you m’lord and we worry is all. Should there be anything at all that you require, please do let us know.”

I turned and truly took her in. As I had done with so many other servants before, I had forgotten that she was a person beyond the neat palace uniform and perfectly slicked back hair. She was a girl who, despite having painfully little compared to me, was offering solace. “Thank you Miss…” I trailed off.

“Emaline, m’lord. Miss Emaline,” She said with a quick curtsy. “And that brings us to the Vrualti wing. Will you be requiring anything else m’lord?”

“No, you may take your leave,” I said as her words still swirled around in my head. “And again, thank you.”

She smiled kindly and slipped away as an unmistakably shrill voice called out, “Erion! It has been so long!”

“Briness, indeed it has. How have you been?” I asked the Vrualti heir.

“So, so wonderfully busy with the double wedding. The entire palace is alight with anticipation!” She giggled, gesturing wildly. “It seems that everyone, simply everyone must have new wardrobes for the event. Is that why you are here? Have you come for a new doublet?”

“Ah, no Marielle and Eline sent for me.”

A knowing look flashed across her face as she turned and beckoned, “Well come on then, best not to keep those two waiting.”

We turned the corner and came to a room of mirrors; which in and of itself would have made anyone gasp with wonder. However, my eyes were only on the woman on the platform.

“Would you just look at how it flows! I do not believe I have ever seen anything so fine in my entire life.” She spun slowly and indeed the glossy fabric moved with her, pooling around her like water. Lace crept up her arms and around her bodice like a rose vine. And the veil flowed from her hair with an unparalleled air of regality. Briness and her house must have worked for months on the ensemble. She was so lovely that I feared the goddess Jesimae would smite her in a jealous rage.

“Oh Erion, you are here!” She exclaimed as she caught me in the reflection of the mirror. “So what do you think?” she asked, turning to face me. “Do I look like a proper bride?”

In that moment, I could see a future that could have been ours. I would marry her in the grand temple. I would bring her to my noble house and her caring heart would bring light and goodness back into its halls. We would have a hoard of beautiful, adventurous children.

I wanted nothing more than to sweep her up kiss her with all the passion in the world. I wanted to kiss her until my lips were swollen and numb. I wanted to give her the world and my heart and anything she wanted. But, all I could do was mummer, “You look incredible.”

She blushed and gathered my hands in hers. “I just wanted to thank you. My life has changed so much because of you. If you had not helped me at the well, so long ago I would never have met Jerlorn or had these wonderful friends or beautiful gowns,” she giggled abashedly and swished her skirts. “I know it is a little bit silly to love them so much, but I will always appreciate how the silk feels on my skin and how much work went into each piece. It is almost like wearing love itself.”

Eline cleared her throat from the chair.

“Oh! Thank you Eline! I almost forgot. Erion, we have something we want to ask you,” she said as bounced on the balls of her feet. “I mean it was Eline’s idea, but it is just perfection! Seeing as you are the only reason I am here. I would just be so poetic with all of us up there–” she trailed off as if she were imagining it. “So will you?”

“Marielle you forgot to ask him.” Eline deadpanned in her familiar way. For a moment, I felt transported back to our childhood.

“Oh! You are right!” She shook her head and laughed at herself. “Erion we want you to give us away! Just think of how perfect it would be, all five of us up there at once, like one family.”

It took all of my training to force a smile onto my face. But nothing could stop me from looking over Marielle’s shoulder to Eline. She looked back with cruel triumph in her eyes, her arms crossed defiantly. “You want this too Eline?”

“It was her idea you ninny. I know I said that part!” Marielle laughed.

“It is fitting Erion, do you not agree?” Eline said softly.

I turned back to Marielle and nodded, “I would be honored.”

Marielle wrapped me in a massive hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. How can I ever repay you? You have given me my world!”

I found my voice long enough to say, “Marielle you owe me nothing, all I ask is that you bask in your happiness.”

She kissed both my cheeks and exclaimed, “Oh this is going to be wonderful; I have to go tell Jer.” Without another moment, she gathered her skirts and ran from the room, I could faintly hear her calling out, “Briness, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, but I must fly and you know who cannot see me like this!”

After she left, I turned to Eline once more and an unspoken thing passed between us. In a way I deserved this, for all of the heartache I had caused her. “I admit that I deserved that. Are you done? Have I suffered enough now?”

Eline briefly looked like she wanted to push me out of a window. “No. However punishing you is exhausting and I would like my best friend back.” She stood up and put her hands out to me and I pulled her into a hug.

“I missed you, Cat,” I murmured into her hair. “And I am sorry for the pain I put you through.”

“I missed you too, but part of me is glad you left.” She pulled away from me. “I have found my happiness in Solin. I truly do love him, and if you had not gone, I do not think I would have let him in.”

Hey hey :)
Sorry I didn't reply to this for so long omg xD
I didn't see it for like a week, and then I started critiquing it, but my page refreshed about half-way through, so I lost all my writing T/\T
AND THEN I got hit with a really bad depressive episode, so that is breaking down an motivation I have left.
I promise it's on my to-do list, and I'll get with you as soon as I can :3

That's okay, take your time!

So here is the next thing I've written, get to it when you can. :)

So, I got in trouble at school (for skipping a class to finish an essay) and had to walk hours (walking back and forth with my old AF m14 for literal hours). And in the third hour of mindnumbing silent walking I got to thinking about Erion and his time in Lian… and man, Erion I'm sorry. (Side note: Janon Hane is Erion’s alias and the __________ will be either new chapters or jumping to another scene later on)

Erion -

“The subject is Halis Onrin,” Maious said. “He will be in his residence in the Selian district.” He handed me a slip of parchment.
If my memory of Canise served correct, the Selian district was the richest, other than the Palace of course.

“What has he done?” I asked.

“Not a concern of yours,” he said, dismissing me.

Knowing better than to protest, I left the room. But I stayed close to the door, straining to hear as best I could.

“Keep your eye on that one, Anions. We never should have taken an Uradavi in,” Maious said to my handler. “His conscious will be the end of us. If he has anything of his mother, then his will is unbreakable.”

“The boy asks a good question. I myself am curious,” Anions said.

“Smuggler. The King wants his wares, a poison of some kind, off the streets,” Maious answered. “The assignment should be easy enough. He will be alone.”

Satisfied, I put space between myself and the door. The risk of a beating was not worth the extra gossip.

He is a drug lord, a thief, a liar; the King has ordered his death. This is no different from a soldier obeying orders, I told myself. This was not murder.

((I’ll write them riding through the city later, too lazy to do it now))

We tied up our mounts a little ways away and Anions turned to me. “Quickly, quietly, and the house burns after us. No traces. Understand?”
I nodded.

The only sound was the whisper of wind though the date palms. Nothing was awake apart from Anions and me, even the crickets were no longer playing their song. The grand house was one of many, all stark and beautiful against the vast desert sky. And most importantly, a second story window was open.

He glanced around and nodded to me. Quickly, we made our way to the wall, I gave him a boost, and he disappeared into the house. A moment later the end of his whip fell down the wall. Just as we had practiced so many times before, I wrapped my hand around the whip and walked up the wall.

“Do not touch anything,” he breathed as I clambered into the room. An office, by how it was furnished

“I am not an imbecile,” I muttered to myself as he made his way deeper into the house, his footfalls barely a whisper. I slipped after him.

We made our way through the house. At every turn I could not help but wonder at the splendors that were here and how they differed from the opulence of home. There were lush rugs inlaid with golden scenes instead of tapestries and painted porcelain instead of crystal vases. The home smelled faintly of incense, snuffed out hours ago.

We finally came to a set of double doors, and, as was the usual for Lianian architecture, they led to the bedroom. Anions motioned me forward with one hand and slowly opened the door with the other.

I drew my dagger, took a deep breath, and slipped through. A large bed took up most of the room, just as expensively decorated as the rest of the house. It was occupied by huge Lianian man who was snoring soundly, his barrel of a chest rising and falling. I crept up next to him and looked down at his face, obscured by a well-groomed black beard.

“I am sorry,” I breathed. He is a drug lord, a thief, a liar; the King has ordered his death. This is no different from a soldier obeying orders, I told myself again. This had become my mantra.

I dragged my knife across his throat – quickly, cleanly, and through both arteries, just as I had practiced on the pigs. His eyes flew open and his snores were replaced with the gurgle of blood in his newly-ruined throat.

I stumbled away from him and scrambled back through the door.

The moment I came through the door, Anions grabbed my collar and forced me to look at him. “Breathe boy. You have done well, but the job is not over.”

I nodded and we each went to a lamp and poured the oil out onto the floor, darkening the beautiful carpets. Simultaneously we lit our matches and let them fall. The light that followed blinded me for a moment and all I could see was the dark liquid flowing from his neck.

The way it shined in the moonlight was seared into my memory.

“Come,” Anions said. He pulled me back the way we had come, out the office window and towards our mounts. When we finally turned to look at the house, it was engulfed in flames.

“You did well. But it is time to return,” Anions said and for a moment I felt a spark of pride. A spark that I immediately squashed down, for it was pride that threatened to rot my insides.

I was about to reply when I heard a scream and then a crying babe shortly after.

No.

Before I could process what was going on, I was running back to the house. I did not get far.

“There is nothing you can do now. What is done is done!” Anions had my forearm in a vise.

“There is a babe in there! You said he would be alone!” I roared.

“Sometimes the intelligence is wrong. You did not verify,” he said matter-of-factly, as if we had not just condemned the life of an innocent.

“May Rionel have at you,” I cursed as I drew my sword and smashed the pommel into his face. It was if Lehion himself was guiding my hand, for Anions crumpled immediately.

I did not bother with the window again; instead, I went for the entrance. I tore off my headscarf and held it to my mouth before I put my boot through the grand window. The smoke that billowed out stung my eyes and burned my throat. With a last prayer to Lehion, I stepped into the inferno.

“Where are you?” I yelled over the roar of the flames and the groaning of the house. What had seemed grand only minutes ago had transformed into a hells cape. “Where -” I was racked with a coughing fit.

“Help!” the voice called, clearly feminine, just loud enough to be heard over the cacophony.

“Keep yelling!” I shouted and followed the voice through the house.

Suddenly, an almighty groan rose above the rest. I looked up and saw a beam bow and then break. Luckily, I leapt forward just in time to escape its crushing blow. Plaster rained down around me and added to my urgency. After what seemed like an eternity, I came to the woman’s door. A burning armoire had fallen in front of the door

“I am here. Hold on!” I yelled. “Move away from the door!” I bit into my headscarf and used both hands to lift my sword high over my head. I do not know if the fire had just weakened the wood or if it was the adrenalin coursing through my veins, but I made short work of the armoire. I shoved the pieces and the blankets that it held aside and grabbed the door handle. White-hot pain screamed up my hand before
I could realize my mistake. Cursing, I grabbed my headscarf again then grabbed the handle and pulled.
The woman was crouched in the farthest corner of the room, a nursery. She curled around her child, trying to keep him from the smoke that swirled all around her. When she saw me, she leapt to her feet and rushed forward. She was barefoot.

I sheathed my sword and grabbed her.

“No!” She screamed, terrified. It was then that I realized that she was only in a thin shift.

“You are barefoot – I will have to carry you,” I croaked. “Here, take this.” I handed her my headscarf.

She nodded slowly. I swept her and the baby into my arms, and I stumbled back through the house.

“Go through the back,” she shouted, straining to be heard over the blaze, “It is much closer.” She became my eyes as I stumbled through the deadly maze, shouting a new direction every few moments.

When we finally came to the back door, the world was beginning to spin and my entire body was shaking. “Hold on,” I wheezed and I kicked the door open.

We spilled into backyard and clean air flooded my lungs. The woman and her child tumbled out of my arms just before my stomach heaved. I narrowly missed them when I vomited black sludge into the grass. We laid there for a moment, with the sound of the dying house taking over the night.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “I do not even know you and you saved us. How can I ever repay you?” Her words were worse than the raging fire.

“Forget that I was here,” I said as I picked up my headscarf rewrapped my head. “Tell everyone that you got out yourself.”

“But -” she objected.

I was already walking away from her, towards the back gate. I had to face the Anions’ wrath. I skirted the edge of the property and slowly made my way back to where I had left him. But he was not there. Cursing, I started towards the horses. I had not made it five paces before someone appeared behind me and wrapped his arm around my throat. Instantly spots danced in my vision. I slammed my fists at his arm, but the effort was feeble. My strength was gone.

---

Hot.

That was the first thing I noticed. The heat was oppressive. I could not tell if the wetness on my face was sweat or tears. The salt burned my eyes and my parched throat screamed at me for water. But when I tried to wipe my face, I realized how truly, deeply wrong things were. I was in stocks and there was a roaring fire in a hearth not ten feet away. “Let me out!” I tried to scream, but my throat was too dry, producing only a harsh and guttural sound.

There was a gust of cool air as the door opened and the Spy Master strode in, a bucket in one hand, cane in the other. “Ah, the princeling awakes,” he purred as he rapped my chin with his cane.

Without thinking, I lunged forward, causing the stocks to jerk.

“And yet still so hostile,” he tutted. He crouched so that he was level with me. “You do not understand. Your dear mother has given me all the license in the world. We will break you, Uradavi; keep you dancing between life and death until you learn.” Then he threw the bucket’s contents at me. Cool and beautiful water.

“Three hours more. Then I want him in the throne room,” he said as he left. “Call all the apprentices in. I want the consorts too. Bring –” and the door closed, locking out all the cool air.

I think I made it another thirty minutes before passing out again.

This time, the air was mercifully cool. But, I could tell that I was not alone. There was the gentle hum of a confused crowd. This time took full stock of my position before I opened my eyes. I was not wearing a shirt, I was bent over on something curved and soft, and my feet were solidly on the ground. Most importantly, my wrists were tied down.

I opened my eyes and immediately wished I had not. I was indeed surrounded by a crowd. Everyone was in the throne room. All the other apprentices, instructors, and guards were watching me. Even the courtesans were here. Instantly I knew what was coming.

“There he is! Let us begin then!” He said, his voice like a like velvet. Gods, he was going to paint it as entertainment. “Thank you so much for joining us today for the trial of Janon Hane.”

“His crimes include questioning orders, disobeying orders, reckless endangerment of mission, reckless endangerment of self, attacking a handler, and endangerment of identity. Thus – ”

“The babe would have burned to death!” I squawked. My throat burned in protest.

“Oh, let us add interrupting me to the list! I will be merciful – five lashes for each infraction. That brings us to,” purred as he mimed counting on his fingers, “thirty-five. Anions, you do the honors.”

The crowd fell completely silent and I knew that all my gods had left me. There was no getting out of this.
It felt as if the air had turned to molasses. Each of Anions’ footfalls took an eternity and the pounding of my heart drowned out everything else. He came and tightened my bonds, his face drawn and almost remorseful. “Forgive me.”

I focused on the Spy Master, lounging in his throne, grit my teeth, and grip the bonds. There is a crack and instantly I felt a blinding pain across my shoulders. I jerked but did not make a sound. I wound not give him the satisfaction.

My mind goes to another place. A place where I cannot feel the skin curling off my back or the blood dribbling onto the floor. A place where I can repeatedly punch the Spy Master in his teeth. I did not take my eyes from him. I pulled all my strength from my hatred of him and drew joy when he straightened in his throne. I realized He wanted to hear me call out. He wanted to hear me break.

I would rather die before breaking.

“Stop!” he barks after the tenth lash. The tension leaves my body. “Bring his partner.”

My heart drops.
“Unhand me!” her pretty voice shouts. “I have done nothing wrong.”

Two guards come through the crowd, a blonde twisting and thrashing in their grip. Her hair is disheveled, she is still in her dressing gown, and it looks like there is a handprint blooming across her face. They brought her directly in front of me and I could see that it is unmistakably Sela.

“Janon, my God,” she cried, “What have they done to you? What is going on? I am so scared.”

“If you will not cry out for me, perhaps you will do so for her,” the Spy Master growled.

He would not dare. To mar a courtesan would be the same as condemning her to death. No man, no matter how pretty the face, would deign to let an imperfect courtesan warm his bed. He would lose all that he had paid for her and she would have to take to the streets.

“So be it. She will take your remaining twenty-five.” His grin brought bile to my throat.

“What? No! Please, master! Please!” Sela screamed, dropping to her knees.

He was bluffing.

I made no move. No sound.

“Oh, you do not believe me!” His smile turned predatory.

He stormed down from his throne and grabbed one of the guard’s whips. He was bluffing.

I watched in horror as he drew it back and it snapped across her back. The sound seems to reverberate across the room, louder than the others were. With a cry, she fell forward. Her gown was torn and blood was already flowing from her flesh. What had I done?

The Spy Master raised his hand again and he has won.

“No!” I roared.

There is no pride left to fight for.

“Stop. Please,” I said. “Have mercy.”

Triumphantly, he lowered his hand and called out, “Proceed, Anions.”

Again, the whip whistled through the air and it cracked across my back. And I screamed. I screamed like an animal in the throes of death.

My poor, parched throat cracks again and again from the force. The pain came in waves. It was relentless.

My vision swam and Sela blurred away.

Soon, it was too much to exclaim. All that escaped are pitiful whimpers. Then the cool fingers of darkness dragged me under and I felt nothing at all.

---

An unholy moaning filled the room and crashed in my ears, like a tempest’s waves on the shore. Put the poor man out of his misery, I want to say, but then it dawns on me. I am the man. I am the moaning. My mind was heavy, stuffed with cotton. But I felt nothing.

She appeared like an angel and put a cool hand on my forehead. “Shh,” she soothed. “I am so sorry, Erion. I am so sorry.”

Why? Why is she sorry? “No…” The words are hard to form. “I have killed you.”

She sobbed and covered her mouth.

“No, no,” she choked. “I am so sorry, Erion. It was all fake. Every moment of it. They found me beforehand and threatened – they said they were going to kill you if I did not act out the scene.”

I did not understand. There was blood. Her gown ripped. “They ruined you.”

She shook her head. “It was paint. It was pageantry. The dress was already torn when they brought me to you. When I heard the sound, I was supposed to fall forward and pretend.”

Her words were confusing and it grew harder to muddle through them. She faded away just as she appeared. Maybe she was a dream.

---

The first thing I saw is my bandaged hand. It smelled strongly of something sharp that irritated my nose. With my good hand, I tried to push myself up and suddenly I was on fire. There was nothing but pain. My world was pain and the air filled with cries.

“No! Do not move!” Suddenly Anions is here. He guided me back down and forced something into my mouth. “Swallow, boy.”

Hopefully, he has come to finish me off.

Darkness comes again and I greet it happily.

I could feel his eyes on me. He was sitting on the floor, leaning against the far wall.

“I had no idea what they would do to you,” he murmured. “I am sorry Erion. What you did, I respect you for it. None of us here would have done that.”

As I fell asleep again, I could not help but think that that was the first time he had used my true name.

---

((Back in Estonie, much later on in the book))

Finally, there was a knock at the door. If it was not so worrying that Delpe was so late, I would be cross.

“Enter,” I called as I selected a shirt from my office bureau. “Where have you been, I expected your…”

I turned and froze. The person at the door was not Delpe. It was Eline.

Cursing, I yanked the shirt on.

“Erion, your back…” She was as white as a sheet and her hand was at her throat. “What happened to your back?” she asked as she stepped forward.

“Nothing.” My mind was racing.

“Those are not from sparring or battle. These are whipping scars. What happened over there?” She reached out to me.

“I said –”

“Do not lie to me. I know what I am seeing,” she whispered.

I could not do this. No one could know. “No,” I said. And pushed past her. I could not be here.
_________________________________________________
Someone knocked furiously at my door and within seconds, I had my dagger in hand.

I wrenched it open and found Eline standing there. With a heavy sigh, I tucked my dagger into my trousers. “Eline, what are you doing here? If someone sees you here, the scandal –”

“Fie on scandal!” she spat. “I care about you more than the prattle of gossipmongers. What happened? I will stand here all through the night if I have to.”

“Do not do this to Solin. You cannot be here,” I begged, willing Tian to give me patience.

“If he knew, he would be here as well. Let me in. You have nothing to bargain with.” She crossed her arms and glared at me.
I let her in. It was no use.