He chuckled, making his shoulder shake slightly. "First of all, doubtful. And second, I'd love to be the judge of that. Care to offer me a taste of you angelic voice," he said, slightly teasing her with the angelic part again as he grinned over his shoulder.
She lifted her head as he shook his shoulder, making a face at him. And then he kept talking, and she blinked. “Judge? You mean now? I haven’t sang in years, Rhydar. I probably sound horrible and likely barely remember any songs other than lullabies.”
He sighed dejectedly, though it was more a joke than actual disappointment. "Fiiine. But I do want to hear you sing sometime. You should practice while you're here, at the palace," he offered. "Give you something to do in your undoubtedly plentiful free time."
“You sound so disappointed. You aren’t missing much, dear.” She assured, toying lightly with the fabric of his shirt as he traced shapes into her hand. “But you’re right, practice might be enjoyable. I’m sure at least one of the libraries, the palace or city one, would have music sheets I could use. Music other than lullabies in my home tongue.”
He let go of her hand to reach over his shoulder and gently brush his fingers over her cheek and jaw, saying, "I'm only a tad disappointed that you think so lowly of yourself. I'm sure you'll be amazing after getting back into it."
She leaned into his touch without hesitation, her eyes closing slightly. “Mm. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you aren’t amazing at something.” Of course, she was wrong about her own talents, but she believed she was mediocre at best. Average, even if she wasn’t.
He ran his fingers back and forth along an invisible line on her cheek. Her skin was so smooth and soft. "True. I do it all the time. I'm just saying that I think, from what I've gathered so far, you have yet to fail to be amazing. That's all." He glanced down as Nevarra snorted and shook her head, making sure there was nothing on the road out of habit, and relaxed when it was nothing. Just the mare making some noise.
“That’s an opinion you’ve founded. I can’t help feel like I’m fooling you somehow.” She said, frowning slightly as he tensed. “Something wrong?” Despite him relaxing, she asked anyway, as though making sure.
"Yeah," he reassured her, looking back at her with a small smile to show her that he was fine. "Just a habit. Kaspa makes a noise whenever someone he doesn't like comes up." He lifted his hand from her face up to her hair to play with it, curling it around his finger. "And you're not fooling me, Lily. I like to think of myself as a good judge of character."
“Makes sense. I was worried for a second something was-“ The word ‘wrong’ never made it past her lips as he began playing casually with her hair, her face warming slightly. Sure, she’d played with his hair, but the only time he had touched hers was while he was putting it up. “O-oh. That’s-well, I’m glad you think I’m not just fooling you.”
He grinned, catching her reaction to him playing with her hair, then dropped his hand to his lap once again. "Nah, you're not fooling me. You're you—Lily—and Lily never pretends to be who she's not. She's this smart, flower-loving girl that's as genuine as they come, and who happens to be amazing in my eyes."
The red in her face grew deeper as he noticed her reaction, only continuing as he spoke. “I-smart? Whatever would make you think that? And your judgement seems clouded if you think I’m that amazing.”
"Face it, Lily," he cooed, loving this, "you're never going to change my mind. Yes, we all have flaws, but the thing about caring about someone is looking past them to see the goodness and strengths beneath. So no, my judgement isn't clouded, it's as crystal clear as ever." He spoke softly as he looked down at her hand around him, grasping it gently and running his fingers over hers.
She squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head disbelievingly. “While you’re mostly right, I don’t-there are too many flaws on my part. Way too many.” The slight tenseness in her shoulders eased as he ran his fingers over her own. It was soothing and comforting, even when she didn’t really need comfort. “Enough that there are times I even doubt if I have good left underneath them.”
He pursed his lips, then tugged on the reigns to make Nevarra stop. He didn't give Lily a chance to ask what he was doing before he was turned around in the saddle once again, hands cupping her cheeks and face just a few inches from hers. "Don't say that, Lily. Who's the criminal here? Who's the one that collects flowers and tells people they're better than the dirt they walk on?"
Her eyes widened as he turned around, opening her mouth to tell him to be careful, and then his hands were on her face. "Who's the criminal here?" He was the known criminal of the two of them. He was the one who embraced that side of him, because it wasn't the same as hers. She was worse. So much worse. And because of that, because of the nature of her crimes and the shame some of them brought with, she kept them bottled up in a jar of secrets inside of her, one constantly on the edge of overflowing. "I-I do, but you're-Fates, Rhydar, you have no idea how wrong you are."
His one hand slid down and gently grasped her chin, thumb running over her lips as he frowned, his face falling slightly as he listened to her. "Then tell me, Lily," he said softly. He never pushed her to tell him about her past, but every time he got a glimpse of how much it affected her, every time she hinted but never told him, he was itching to know. He needed to know so he could help her.
"You'll look at me differently." She whispered, lifting her hands to grip his arms, just holding them. As though trying to ground herself, maybe reassure herself that there was a chance he wouldn't. "I don't know if-if I can handle that." You owe him the truth. You know that. At the very least, part of the truth.
He gently pulled her hands off of his arms, then wrapped her up into a loose hug, head resting on her shoulder and pressed against the side of her head. His one hand came up to comfortingly run through her hair, and the other ran circles over her upper back. "Never," he whispered, "I'd never look at you differently."
She buried her face in his shoulder, her arms moving to wrap around him. She held tight, part of her still whispering that he would hate her, look at her differently or never even want to look at her at all. Taking a shaky few breaths, she finally spoke, her voice strangely empty. "I planned it. I'm not sure when I started planning, but by the time it happened, I was too-prepared to not have. But I hesitated. Last second. And it didn't end fast enough. I had to keep-the knife wouldn't-it felt like it wasn't working, but he needed to die. He was hurting so many people."
"Shhh." Rhydar attempted to comfort her as he twisted his fingers through her hair and drew comforting circles over her back. He pressed his lips to just above her ear. "Sshhh. It's okay, Lily. You're okay. You did what you had to do. People who hurt people deserve their fate. You're not a terrible person, Lily. You're one of the best and kindest people out there." He didn't know what else to say, so he just held her close, eyes closing as he hurt for her. His heart twisted in agony as if he could feel her pain.
"I killed him." Lily said, the first time she had actually and fully said the words out loud since the act itself. It felt horrible, and freeing at the same time. Like another set of shackles had been lifted from her mind and limbs. "And how can I be so great when he-he was only the first. Regardless of how bad any of them were, did-did they really deserve to die, by my hand?"
The hand in her hair cupped the back of her neck, his thumb running up and down her spine. "You did it to save others, Lily. You didn't enjoy it, nor did you do it just because." He spoke softly, a whisper against her ear. "If you were truly a bad person, you wouldn't be feeling remorseful right now. You would be glad they are dead, and so much more twisted thoughts."
"I am glad. I'm glad they can't hurt m-anyone. Ever again." She murmured, her grip on him tightening slightly now that it was a bit more obvious he wasn't going to leave any time soon. "Do you really think I'm not-not bad? It feels so much like I am."
He closed his eyes and held her as close as he could without triggering any of her old fears. "You're not a bad person, Lily. Bad people make horrible decisions because they like it. They like being bad. You did what you needed to do to help people. That doesn't sound like a bad person to me."
"Not a bad person…" She repeated softly, nodding slightly against his shoulder. "I did. Do it to help. That doesn't make it okay, but it-makes it less bad, right? Fates, I'm sorry, this was supposed to be a fun date, not-a murder confession."
He ran his hands up and and down, and around in circles in a soothing manner. "I'd rather you feel better than worry about a date," he murmured, lips brushing her ear as he spoke. True, it didn't completely neglect the fact that she killed someone, but she had done it to save others. That put her more in the good spectrum than the bad.
She shivered slightly, but didn’t let go, holding onto him a little longer before she finally did. At least she wasn’t crying this time. Studying his face for a moment, she leaned in to gently almost brush her lips against his, not quite a kiss. “I don’t know how you keep doing that. Focusing on me over other things.”
He reached up to lightly stroke her cheek as if brushing away invisible tears. "I have and always shall put you before anything else. You mean so much to me, and it hurts to see you hurting and upset, even if it's something I can't do anything about." His voice was a soft whisper, and he didn't move any closer than what she had initiated.
She leaned into his hand slightly, looking slightly startled by his words. ”You mean so much to me.” “You shouldn’t worry, Rhydar. I’m not worth worrying about.” Lily turned her head a bit more to press her cheek into his palm, not taking her eye off his.