“Don’t-hic-apologize for something out of anyone’s control.” Celeste said quietly, relaxing her hold on Soren and lifting her head to look up at him, not quite meeting his eyes. Her own were red from crying, the colors dark once more and the skin around them puffy. She wiped at her under eyes with the sleeve of her nightshirt, taking slow breaths. “Sue needs-hic-time with her mother. I’m sure I’ll be fine. You-I’m keeping you up.”
Soren nodded. "Alright." He sighed. "I know she does. I wasn't aware she was gone, that's all. And I don't mind. I don't have anything important tomorrow. Well, unless you ask Mikhail. He's making me do push-ups." He made a face. "So. I don't mind missing that." He said in a half joking tone, trying to lighten the mood a bit.
Celeste managed a weak laugh at that, shaking her head. “Those-hic-push ups are the reason you’re allowed to-hic-keep eating the cookies.” She pointed out, smiling a slightly wobbly and small smile, but a smile nonetheless. That was something.
He chuckled softly. "Yeah…but I would rather have the cookies without the pushups." He said with a shrug, giving her a small smile. I don't know what im supposed to say…which is probably why I defaulted to humor…
Celeste was perfectly fine with the lighter topic. It was something else to focus on, something normal and easy, and that was absolutely perfect. “You’d eat a million cookies if you could.” The hiccups seemed to be slowing. “Then Mikhail would-hic-never let you live down the weight you’d put on.”
Soren chuckled. "Mm. He'd force me to put everything else on hold and spar and train until the weight was gone." He said, smiling slightly. His black hair was tumbling down onto his forehead, the strange white streaks shimmering in the dim light. "And he would put me on a diet of strictly bread and water."
Celeste wrinkled her nose at that, shaking her head. “Nothing but bread and water? I’d have to sneak you other things. I’d feel horrible otherwise.” She said, her eyes flickering around his face for a moment, searching for signs of tiredness. They caught on the streaks in his hair, curiously shimmering. The light does that? Huh.
He hid a yawn. "Mm. It would be your fault for making such delicious cookies." He told her with a smile. "So yes, you had better bring me other food." He looked down at her. Stick to humor. Stick to humor.
“Promise. If Mikhail has you on a diet of bread and-hic-water, I’ll be your food dealer.” She took a deep breath, letting go of Soren but staying close. She really should tell him to go to bed. She wouldn’t sleep herself, but she could read, or something along those lines. Maybe go out for some air, to clear her head.
"I promise. If Mikhail makes me eat bread and water, you will be my food dealer." He chuckled softly, looking over at her as he masked another yawn. "By the way, the lock on your door will need to be replaced. The guards broke it so they could check on you." He said.
“Oh, gods.” Celeste groaned, dragging a hand down her face. “I’m so sorry for the disturbance. I’ll-apologize to the guards in the morning.” She said, chewing on her bottom lip. The broken lock…she’d be fine. She had Pluto, and she wasn’t planning on sleeping anymore. She shouldn’t have fallen asleep in the first place.
Soren shook his head. "It's alright." He replied. "You don't need to apologise." The guards are used to screams in the night by now. From my father, when he was insane, and… He sighed softly. "The guards are used to it. Don't worry about it." He said again.
“Whether they’re used to it or not, still…” Celeste closed her eyes for a moment, opening them as soon as her father’s face flashed behind her eyelids. “And again…I’m sorry. For waking you. You really should go get some sleep while you can.”
Soren shook his head. "I don't mind, Celeste. Really." He replied. He yawned again. "Okay, maybe my body minds. But the rest of me doesn't." He said. He didn't know what to say, so he stuck with humor. Easiest thing to do, instead of fumbling his way through more consoling words.
"Yeah, but…I see you trying to hide the yawns." Celeste said, looking worried. It was sort of funny, that she was so worried about him when just a few minutes ago she'd been incapable of speech. That was what she did, focus on others instead of herself. Second to everyone else. "Are you sure? I'll be fine, if you need to go sleep." Even though part of her didn't really want him to leave, because having him here was comforting and safe, and better than being alone with her thoughts.
Soren shook his head. "'m fine, really." He said. "Besides, you could barely speak a few minutes ago. I think that's more important than my sleep." He looked over at her. I hope she's okay…I'm trying to help her as best I can. "I er…if you need to talk to a therapist or something, you can? I know a few good ones?" He said slowly.
Celeste bit her lip as he mentioned her inability to speak in her distress, blinking as he offered a recommendation of therapists. "Ther-therapy? I don't-isn't that for people who need it?" Don't you? No. No, she couldn't convince herself that she did. Why would she waste someone's time like that, when they could be helping people that needed help, and would be help-able.
(erm…you just sent the same response twice?)
((I…didn't?? Notebook glitches like that sometimes lmao, need me to resend something?))
(ooh shoot it's better now lol. It had showed the same message twice and i was confusion XD)
Soren raised an eyebrow. "I…needed therapy after I found my father's body after he…" he shook his head. "I don't need to mention exactly what had happened to him, but…let's just say I needed therapy after that." he sighed softly. "Celeste…if you're having nightmares so bad that you're screaming, you…sort of need therapy." he said slowly, eyes flickering over to her.
"Of course that's a reason for therapy." Celeste said, as though it was obvious. She furrowed her brows slightly, looking down at her hands, at the scars around her wrists visible in the short sleeved sleeping shirt. "I…do? Why? I mean, I can function fine, right? So why would I…why would I need therapy?"
Soren sighed, and gently tapped a finger on her wrists. "Celeste. Waking up screaming is not "functioning fine". Hardly able to speak after waking up is not functioning fine. Unable to even speak about what happened isn't functioning fine. I mean…most people don't like to talk about the trauma even after they're better, but…not like this." He said slowly, looking at her carefully.
Celeste was silent, mulling that over as she watched Soren's hand instead of her scars. Not functioning fine. She had always been under the impression that she was. Was he right? She closed her eyes, her hands still visible but now covered in blood, none of it her own. If visions like that, if her past in general, kept haunting her the way it did, was that not functioning. "I don't…know if I would be able to talk about it, the way that a therapist would expect me to."
Soren shrugged. "I didn't. Mikhail was the one who forced me to. I didn't say a word for the first two weeks, beyond answering yes or no questions. Then…" He sighed softly. "This is embarrassing…I basically broke down and blurted the whole thing. But…" He shrugged. "It did help. Once I started talking…it was hard to stop. And then the therapist helped me with it."
"Help." She murmured, before pressing her lips tightly together. You need help. You need it more than you're letting yourself admit. And maybe that was true. Maybe she did need help, but she just…couldn't see it. Didn't that make sense, though? Nobody ever really thought they needed help, did they? "It helped? Talking, talking to someone specific?"
Soren nodded. "Yeah." He said with a slight shrug. "It did." It also helped that…I got the reassurance that none of their deaths were my fault. Not Alana's, not mother's, not father's. He swallowed, looking out the window for a moment, then back at Celeste.
Celeste nodded, thinking for just a few more moments. “I….I’ll gladly take a few recommendations. If you think it might help with the nightmares.” She had to admit, it might be nice, not being trapped with her thoughts and nightmares all the time.
Soren nodded. "There are a few here in the palace. Would you like me to make you an appointment with one?" He yawned again, covering his mouth with a hand. "Sorry." He said afterwards. God damn it. I'm not that tired. Stop yawning, it's rude. He reprimanded himself. And it will make her feel bad.
"Only if it's not an inconvenience to anyone." Celeste said hurriedly, wincing as Soren yawned. She almost told him to go to bed, but he had refused every time. So what would be different about this time? "Don't apologize. It's not your fault you're tired, Soren."