forum Your personal venting space.

Started January 17, 2019 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

Have Dam and I adopted you yet?

I don't think so

Congrats, would you like to be adopted into our growing family?

Yes that would be lovely

Ella what do you want to do?

Huh?

Like, since you feel like you're being 'useless' and whatnot, what is it that you want to do in life?

Why?

I can't seem to do anything…
I'm falling behind on every possible thing you can fall behind on, school, artwork, writing, working, exercising, cleaning, socializing, taking care of your own health… you name it.

I haven't accomplished anything major within the past month or two, all I ever do is curl up in a ball watching YouTube while procrastinating all of my responsibilities, and it's gotten to the point where even my parents have noticed… (That's weird, they never seem to notice anything wrong with me…) But instead of trying to help or encourage me to actually do stuff so I can get my life back together and have hope for my own future, my mom just walks into my room every once in a while, makes a comment on how lazy or worthless I am, makes me feel guilty over something, and then leaves.

Even when I don't procrastinate and actually try my best to accomplish something, I can't do it, It's like I keep getting worse…

I had made so much progress at the beginning of the year, I'd started exercising, fixed my slouching issue, started praying more often, even managed to get over my severe nail biting habit that's been negatively affecting me for years now… It's all gone. All that progress is gone. Somewhere along my path to becoming a better, more likable human, I've managed to somehow retreat backwards, give up on everything, lose all the qualities that make me even remotely likeable, and fall into a ditch.

I keep coming up with excuses but I really only have myself to blame… I dug myself into this hole, I'm too much of a pathetic little chicken to try and climb my way out, so I'm hiding at the bottom until either someone fixes my problems for me or I die here. Either way is fine at this point.

And since I'm an absolute idiot, instead of working on these things, I sit around stressing about what the future will be like for me if I don't ever improve.
Considering I have basically no education, talent, or really anything, I doubt I'll be able to find a sustainable career that'll allow me to actually follow my dreams and live a somewhat happy life. What's that? I can draw? oH yeah, that'll help me so much, the one path infamous for never having any success because everyone's just gonna steal your work and leave you to starve, I'm sure that'll benefit me so much.

…This rant's gone in 48 directions all at once (Just like my mental state!), I doubt it made any sense, I'm sorry for making you read all that, aaaghghasggvgiuhjb knjklhbhvgfutch vbhjihbkjnkmsnabkhfhlknbsvhbklkn.mlk

Well, then I'll help you with all those things! I can give you a personalized workout plan, self-improvement promps, and I'll try to bolster your confidence the best I can! Let's do this!
At your request of course!

what is it that you want to do in life?

Well, I don't really know that either… I mostly want to travel the world, learn new languages, see different cultures, hear new music, try new foods, meet new people… Really anything other than what my life is now, which is being trapped in a single place all alone for months on end as each day repeats itself with minimal changes while I slowly lose my mind.

…However, that goal is quite unrealistic and completely contradicts another more realistic dream, which is to become a nun and devote my life to the only thing that hasn't yet failed me.

But then that goal, despite still allowing me to paint, sing, and socialize, requires me to give up all my other dreams along with everything I know and love to hide away in the same place for months on end with little to no outside activity as each day repeats itself with minimal changes.
…Just like my life is now.

Then one of my other dreams is to become one of those animated storytime youtubers, it would be perfect for me because it combines the only three things I'm good at, drawing, talking about myself when literally no one asked for it, and watching videos on the internet.

In other words, I have no clue

Well, then I'll help you with all those things! I can give you a personalized workout plan, self-improvement promps, and I'll try to bolster your confidence the best I can! Let's do this!
At your request of course!

Really? That would be amazing, like seriously, thank you so much-

Well, then I'll help you with all those things! I can give you a personalized workout plan, self-improvement promps, and I'll try to bolster your confidence the best I can! Let's do this!
At your request of course!

Really? That would be amazing, like seriously, thank you so much-

It's no problem I love this type of stuff!

my convo w the principal earlier brought up all my internalized anger and all that negativity that i normally am aware of but i try to repress and now i'm just. ggh i have so many feelings rn i'm just listening to nothing but thieves and trying not to cry

Yep that’s depression for you. You aren’t a waste of human life. I myself enjoy your presence. I’m bad at comforting people but we’re a big crazy family on here so you’re just normals here.

my convo w the principal earlier brought up all my internalized anger and all that negativity that i normally am aware of but i try to repress and now i'm just. ggh i have so many feelings rn i'm just listening to nothing but thieves and trying not to cry

If you need to vent abt said feelings then yeah we're

my convo w the principal earlier brought up all my internalized anger and all that negativity that i normally am aware of but i try to repress and now i'm just. ggh i have so many feelings rn i'm just listening to nothing but thieves and trying not to cry

If you need to vent abt said feelings then yeah we're

thx babe i think i'll do that

*We're here

i just. we were talking abt stuff and the principal was telling me that she's managed to scare parents enough over the years until they understand that if they don't wake up and see the reality of having an lgbt child they might lose them. and i told her abt when i almost killed myself and it brought up a lot of memories and stuff and i cried so much. and i'm just. i have one more goddamn year and i feel like i might go insane before then. i'm so angry and hollow all the time, it's eating me from the inside and i'm losing my goddamn mind.

Wow you’ve got an awesome principal.

hence the name?
I just want to say: You have an awesome principal.
But you are awesome, too, and strong for getting so far. Through all this shiz and you have a very happy future waiting for you #Juliar. <3

hence the name?
I just want to say: You have an awesome principal.
But you are awesome, too, and strong for getting so far. Through all this shiz and you have a very happy future waiting for you #Juliar. <3

the name has to do with that but mostly with birds being able to fly because they have no bone marrow or w/e

thanks a lot <33 and yeah #juliar is p much all that's keeping me going
the principal also said she'll help me trick my parents into getting me therapy and getting me a scholarship and helping me w not having so many things to deal with when i have to move out

Your principal is a straight badass!
And hey, like Trix said, you're very strong for getting so far, and in fact I'd like to commend you on your personal fortitude, and I'm sure you'll have a happy future!

i love y'all so much ty for being here<333

Right back atcha <3333
If you can, tell your principal she's an angel from us.

Anything for someone who needs it!

Honestly, your principal is awesome!!

she talks a lot and has a penchant for interrupting ppl when they talk so i didn't rlly like her before but now i'm like Fuck Yeah What A Cool

Your principal is officially declared: A Cool

That’s like a Medal of Honor on this website.

kjnsgkenf

;)) Nice. She deserves it.

what is it that you want to do in life?

Well, I don't really know that either… I mostly want to travel the world, learn new languages, see different cultures, hear new music, try new foods, meet new people… Really anything other than what my life is now, which is being trapped in a single place all alone for months on end as each day repeats itself with minimal changes while I slowly lose my mind.

…However, that goal is quite unrealistic and completely contradicts another more realistic dream, which is to become a nun and devote my life to the only thing that hasn't yet failed me.

But then that goal, despite still allowing me to paint, sing, and socialize, requires me to give up all my other dreams along with everything I know and love to hide away in the same place for months on end with little to no outside activity as each day repeats itself with minimal changes.
…Just like my life is now.

Then one of my other dreams is to become one of those animated storytime youtubers, it would be perfect for me because it combines the only three things I'm good at, drawing, talking about myself when literally no one asked for it, and watching videos on the internet.

In other words, I have no clue

I just want to say:
Ella, you're young. I know it seems like there's pressure to know what you want to achieve in your life, but you don't need to give into it. People aren't kidding when they tell you to enjoy being a kid!