Eden looked at him in surprise, though she shouldn’t have been at this point. He always managed to see her, no matter how occupied he was.
Then her eyes flickered to his mouth and remembered both instances where they touched hers. One, he wasn’t even aware of. Two, it would have continued had her trauma not kicked in. She immediately returned her eyes back to his face, hoping he hadn’t noticed.
“Yeah,” she murmured. “I needed space.”
Sterling nodded slowly. He did notice the way her eyes shifted to his lips before meeting his again, but he didn’t mention it. He wasn’t going to kiss her again. Not unless she initiated it or told him that it was okay.
“Sure. I get that,” he mused, watching her carefully. “How are Lucas and his girlfriend… Amber? Ashlynn? Ash… ley? Ashley?”
“Ashley,” Eden responded, crossing her arms around her stomach, shifting under his gaze. “They’re good.”
She wanted him to kiss her again. Hold her in his arms, not against the wall. Do it gently until she got used to his touches. But she didn’t voice that aloud. Even though want coursed through her, she kept neutral.
“Your friends are waiting for you,” she mumbled. “Don’t think it’s a good idea to keep them waiting for long. The girl seems disappointed.”
“They can wait,” Sterling said quietly, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He looked over Eden’s face, his gaze gentle. “And I don’t care about the girl. I’m aware, painfully so, that she was flirting with me. And I didn’t care. Are you off to class just now?”
I cared, Eden found herself thinking. I’m hating even the thought of someone else flirting with you.
“No,” Eden tried not to melt under his gentle gaze, “Still have twenty minutes. I was going somewhere else.”
“Mind if I join you?” Sterling asked, giving her a small smile, trying not to let it form into a smirk.
“You’re still trying, huh?” Eden murmured under her breath, hands clenching. “Even after Friday.”
“Of course I am, Eden. Didn’t I tell you that I wasn’t leaving you?” Sterling murmured, his expression going serious.
“You don’t even know me,” Eden breathed, his words causing her heart to squeeze. “There’s absolutely nothing I can offer you, Sterling.”
Sterling shrugged, still looking down at her. “I would like to get to know you better. And I don’t expect anything from you, Eden.”
“I’m messed up,” Eden tried again, this time a little weakly. “More than you know. It’ll be annoying. It won’t be worth it.”
“I think I can handle it,” Sterling insisted softly. “Let me at least try, Eden. Please.”
Eden swallowed thickly, reaching out for his hand before pulling him to an empty classroom. She didn’t want anyone to hear what she was going to say.
Once they were in, she closed the door behind them and turned towards Sterling, running a hand through her hair, heart hammering wildly in her chest. She let his hand go, only to start pacing around the room.
“Just—just let me catch myself first,” she said, her hand still in her hair. She took several deep breaths, but none of them helped calm her down.
Sterling blinked as he was pulled through the hall. He stuck his hands in his pockets when she let go of him, leaning back against the wall as he watched her quietly.
“Take your time, E,” he murmured softly, his eyes trailing her.
Eden stopped her pacing, both hands in her hair now. She looked at Sterling, shrinking away from his intense gaze.
“You wanted to know why I’m—why I’m like this, right?” She motioned to herself—the healing bruise on her face, that wound on her hand and other parts of her body. “I’m not going to tell you all of it. I can’t do that. But what I can tell you—if you still want me, that would—that would be nice.”
“If you’re willing to tell me anything, I’ll take it,” Sterling promised, nodding. “You don’t have to tell me anything more than you want to.”
Eden looked at him before she immediately turned her gaze away, unable to maintain eye contact.
“I wasn’t—I wasn’t always like this,” Eden started, her voice shaking. “I was happy, too, once. Smiling all the goddamn time. I was a shy, nerdy little student who worked hard to please her elders. I never raised a hand against someone else, I never stood up for myself—in short, I was a pushover. And that made me an easy target.” She shuddered as if remembering the past. She continued her pacing, running another hand through her messy hair.
“I spent most of my school life trying to hide the fact that I was being tormented by the hierarchy from my parents and my twin brother. I’d gotten so good at masking the pain that it became second nature to smile even when it burned,” she broke off, swallowing thickly. The next part was the hardest. “Then I met a boy—he lifted me to the sky and spread color into my life. Because of him, no one bothered me. I felt safe. Maybe that was the reason it all happened. I fell for him, and stupidly, I forgot that nothing lasts forever. I forgot that everything breaks one day. Ironically enough, I did, too,” she inhaled sharply, exhaling in a shudder, eyes squeezed shut. “He tore me to shreds and left me to rot, and once reality hit, I realized nobody would pick me up. The world looked on and walked all over me, leaving behind wounds I couldn’t bring myself to heal. Nobody offered me a hand. They turned their backs on me and left me at the bottom once again. Nobody helped, so I did it myself. That’s when I realized that when there’s nobody to protect you, you end up protecting yourself. And I also realized that’s all you ever need—yourself.” She broke off, trembling a little, and it was then that she realized she’d found herself in front Sterling. She fisted his shirt tightly in her hold, released a shuddering breath and rested her forehead against his chest. It provided a little comfort in the dark place she was traveling to.
“So I grabbed each and every scattered piece of myself and I sewed myself back together, piece by piece. That was the day I swore to myself that I would not let anyone in again. The fear and the trauma was so strong, I could barely breathe. I couldn’t stand the presence of others. I couldn’t stand close proximity. So I built barriers around myself, barriers so strong that nothing could even bend them. I would not give anyone the power to break me again,” she paused, her lips twisting upwards and a humorless laugh escaped her lips as she looked up at him. “And then you showed up, full of such heat and intensity and passion, and you broke down each and every one of my walls. Like they were nothing. I absolutely hated you for it. You did it so effortlessly. You treated me like I was normal. I hated you because it made me feel again, because unlike everyone else, you treated me like I was worth something. But most of all, I hated myself because I ended up letting you in. Not that I could do anything about it, anyway,” she swallowed thickly, her voice turning stronger with each word she spoke. “Every time I looked at you, saw your smile, hear your laughter, every time you barged in and made me whole again, I fell for you. With every little gentle word, I fell for you more. You kept pulling me out of the darkest holes I was building for myself and showed me light again, and I found myself falling for you instead of my demons. And—and I would be lying if I said you are the one I had been waiting for, or the fact that you’re the missing piece to my puzzle, because you aren’t. But I wouldn’t be lying about the fact that you’re the glue that’s currently holding me together, and I’m afraid of losing you. You’ve become my weakness and I don’t want to let you go, and that makes me scared. I’m scared because if you walk away from me, I won’t be able to put myself together again. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to live Hell again. Once is enough. So if I’m just a game to you, please leave.”
She finally looked at him in the eyes, removing the veil from her face so he could see the pain inside. She locked their eyes together, letting him see the scars she had hidden. She exposed herself to him in that moment, showing him how sincere she was being. And how stupid, too, because if it turned out to be a lie, she would once again be left broken for herself to fix.
Eden breathed out again, finishing what she wanted to say, “But for now, before you answer, just let me get rid of this craving.” And she pulled his head down, firmly clasped their lips together, and sealed her own fate.
Sterling didn’t know how to react at first. Her words burned into his core, a fierce, protective anger rippling through him. He wanted to comfort her and hurt he man who had done this to her at the same time.
And then she was so close, her hand gripping his shirt, her forehead against his chest. The words she spoke next sent a tremor through him. Then her lips were on his, and she was pressed against him.
He kissed her back, of course he did. His arms wrapped around her, one gentle on her waist, the other behind her neck. He pressed their lips together harder, just slightly. He didn’t want to hurt or scare her. Not again.
Eden’s eyes snapped open when he kissed her back, one hand on her waist, one behind her neck. It wasn’t that she panicked. It was just meant to be a brief contact. She didn’t think he would kiss her back, nor did she think he would kiss her harder.
At first, she tried to push away. Then the intensity of his kiss melted her, causing her to lean into him more, her own arms moving to wrap around his neck as their mouths moved together. And he was being so careful. It caused the already rapid heartbeat to quicken and her blood to boil. His lips felt amazing pressed against hers. She liked it.
Sterling pulled away as soon as she kissed him back. He smirked down at her, breathing heavily. “Satisfied?” he whispered hoarsely, brushing his thumb over her lips.
Eden shivered, breathing heavily. Her cheeks were flushed, warmth flooding through her. At his question, her stomach exploded like fireworks. She leaned into his touch, mouth parting again.
She shook her head. “More,” she croaked out, standing on her toes. “Please.”
Sterling bit back a groan at her reaction. He hadn’t expected that. He hadn’t thought…
He leaned down and reconnected their lips, pressing harder against her. Their lips moved in sync, and he loved it. He loved getting to kiss her like this.
Eden’s knees nearly buckled from under her. She kissed him back almost instantly, her arms around him tightening their hold. Her fingers wove into his hair as their lips moved together, her body trembling. She tried to increase her height again to press their lips together harder, gaining a little confidence. This was nice. This was really, really nice.
Sterling pulled her closer to himself, his arms tightening around her waist. He leaned down further to press their lips together even harder. If he deepened it, would she be okay with that? He wanted to. He wanted to deepen the kiss, but he didn’t want to scare her away again.
“Tell me your boundaries,” he murmured against her. “I don’t want to go too far.”
Eden shivered against his mouth, his words sending warmth flooding through her. He still wanted her. God, he still wanted her. And he was willing to know her boundaries. She pulled away from his mouth and breathed, teary eyes looking at him.
“Don’t—no touching beyond necessary,” she started slowly. “No neck bites. I don’t think I’m ready for the neck kisses, either. And just because I’m dating you, it doesn’t give you the right to enforce things on me. My ‘no’ is a ‘no.’ If I don’t give consent, don’t try to change my mind. Don’t expect me to give you every single detail about what I do when I’m not with you. Don’t tell me who I can hang out with and who I can’t.”
“I would never. I would never dream of telling you what you can or can’t do. You have the right to chose what you want to do, who you want to be with, where you want to go,” Sterling promised, kissing her softly again. “I’ll wait for you however long you need me to for anything. Okay? I’ll be here for you.”
Eden buried her face in his chest, breathing in his comforting cinnamon scent. Though they’d stopped kissing, she could still feel his lips pressed against hers.
“I’m going to be difficult,” she said quietly. “I’m going to push you away sometimes, and I might even lock you out. Small things would trigger me. The dark scares me, so there can’t be any sweet gestures like covering my eyes for a surprise—“ It makes it seem like a blindfold. “And I might call you in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. And I’ll get jealous, not because I’m possessive but because I hate it when other women flirt with you. And I’m going to try to get better. I can’t promise I’ll stop getting myself hurt, because I can’t control that. It’s like a drug. I crave it when it hurts. But I can promise that I’ll try to stop. So just—be patient. Don’t get angry. Don’t yell at me.”
“No dark. Got it… And it’s actually rather cute when you’re jealous, so I’m perfectly okay with that. I’ll get jealous, too, but also not because I’m possessive. I just don’t like the thought of another man taking you away from me. Even if you can walk away on your own,” Sterling murmured, kissing the top of her head. He ran gentle circles into her back. “I’m fine with midnight calls. I’ll be here for you when you need me. What if I come up behind you and hug you? Is that okay?”
“There’s no other man. It’s just you, Sterling. No one else,” Eden gripped his shirt tightly for emphasis. She exhaled again through her nose. His touches felt so good… “I—I don’t know. I’m still coping with the physical contact.”
Sterling hummed and kissed her forehead. “Okay. Then we’ll hold off on that for now. What about PDA? How much of that is okay with you?” he asked softly.