forum Your personal venting space.

Started January 17, 2019 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

Updates, with me:

1. I did my Spanish essay. yay
2. My boyfriend and I talked yesterday night and we got a lot of things worked out which is good because I was afraid to say anything.
3. But, a class project is due today and my partner had, like, a breakdown or something last night and didn’t finish It at all and isn’t here today so I have no idea what going to happen.

Is it, like, on paper? Because if so, you can say they have it and if your teacher's nice, it'll be okay

Heyyy Abrie that's good!

My life right now:

Taking five tests today with an hour of sleep under my belt
Having to PRESENT a PROJECT in FREAKING PE
Having a mountain of homework to do
making up a Lab because I missed it for a choir concert
Making 30+ batches of salsa to raise money for camps
And Making Teddy Bears for refugees for service hours.

I can't drink coffee for religious reasons and I wanna cry

Let me just say, you're amazing for taking on all that responsibility. Applause.

thanks, but I haven't slept in like, 5 days

yes, applause and hugs

APPLAUSE, HUGS, AND SLIGHTLY WORRIES CAUSE YOU HAVEN'T SLEPT……

Speaking of worry, I'm starting to worry about my little brother…
Maybe he's just going through that stage, but his anger issues, mental breakdowns, violent moments, eating problems… They're starting to scare me just a little bit.

OOF…. I wish you luck cause I honestly have nothing for you.

My problem is not as big as yours but anyways… found out that my crush (and this is a really big crush, I’ve had a crush on this guy for years) already has a girlfriend and that kind of sucks.

He could be an absolute creep, if it makes you feel better (probably doesn't)

He isn’t a creep but he is actually a player…

sounds to me like he has strong potential to be a creep. sorry, gosh, I sound so rude, I've just had many bad experiences. Maybe he's super nice. He must be if you've likes him for a long time. Digs self further into hole

I dunno what your definition of a creep is, but I would say he is somewhere in between being a creep and a really nice guy. It depends on who you ask, most of my friends think he is just a really annoying besserwisser that uses waayyy to much hairgel (not important to know haha) but I obviously like him despite that… maybe I’m blinded by love haha

I need to just get this out of my mind and heart because it’s actually been bugging me for a long time.

I’m more than confused with my whole situation. Some background is that I actually have a chronic Anxious Depressive Disorder that I take meds for. When I first started showing symptoms of it I had just finished the ACT and was having a really rough time with my boyfriend. He listened too much to his ‘friend’ who told him to ignore me so I would crawl back to him for more attention. He listened to her. I broke up with him because of the fact that A. I hated myself and blamed myself because of my anxiety and depression, and B. I don’t want a guy who does that to me.
It got better the more I took the meds and the more I focused on controlling it.

But recently I’ve been thinking that I’m an incredibly toxic person and that it wasn’t his friends fault everything went bad, that it was my fault. I can’t help but to dwell on this so much that I can’t function in social situations anymore because I’m afraid that my toxic traits will hurt someone again.

But I can’t tell if I’m actually a toxic person who turns things into her sob story and drives people away or if it’s my Anxiety speaking.

I’m slipping back into my ‘I hate myself’ mindset and that is a place I do not want to go. I don’t know what to do. What if I am really toxic and I can’t fix myself? What if I waste my life dwelling over this? I’ve lost so many friends because I’ve pushed them away thinking they’re better off away from me until I can fix my toxicity.

Ah you have no idea how good that felt just to type out

Oh hun!

1. That was an awful thing for your ex to do and
2. You aren't toxic, it's your anxiety (I assume. I'm not a doctor or anything, don't @ me). You are a wonderful person and it's not your fault that your ex chose to listen to awful advice. I know how hard it is to understand that, I went through something similar last year, and sometimes it takes a long time to get over these things, but just know that that situation was totally not your fault. He probably just has self esteem issues or something. or maybe he just does that to all his girlfriends and you don't find out until you befriend a girl that sat next to him in health
3. Please don't hate yourself, that's not good. I don't hate you. There are a lot of people that don't hate you, so why should you hate yourself? yay, the band wagon fallacy
   Sorry if that was a little incoherent, I'm tired

i have anxiety and depression too, so i understand your dilemma, i really do. what i do is try to see it from an objective point of view and overall i'm very aware of everything i do.
i can tell you the friend was partly the cause of your breakup. i've met people like him, and they can influence even the best people. however, your ex clearly has no common sense, so you're better off.

i personally don't think you sound like a toxic person, you just can't differentiate between paranoia and reality, and that's a struggle i share with you. what i've done is try to focus more on other people instead of myself, and try to be more positive. if people see that you are kind and you care about them, they can't think you're toxic.

also, i've repeatedly apologized to friends for things that my anxiety told me were bad, such as messaging them multiple times in a row or other stuff like that, and they said that they either didn't mind it at all or they didn't notice. trust me, a lot of things are better than they seem.

Thank you you guys…
I’ve been so sick about it lately. I’m so mentally exhausted over having break down after break down about it. The thing that sucks the most is I broke up with him around November of last year. It was almost our 1 year. I’m still mulling over it and I hate myself over that too. It’s less of the hurt of ‘he’s gone’ and more of the fact that it damaged me so much that I can’t function anymore.

I just don’t want to be toxic and hurt people. I don’t want it to be the reason I miss making friends that could help me.

Hey, you're not toxic from what I've seen. In fact, you're one of the purest, most pleasant people on this site! I've watched you lift people up!
Your ex and his friend are the toxic ones, and you did the right thing letting them go. You definitely don't deserve to hate yourself. I mean, you're funny, charming, wholesome, honest, witty, and being in your presence is a blessing!
I know your anxiety is telling you these things, and dragging you down, but trust me, when I say that anxiety is dead wrong.
I haven't seen you hurt anyone.

dumb vent but fuck i didn't know writing a car crash was so hard

It can be!

Hey, you're not toxic from what I've seen. In fact, you're one of the purest, most pleasant people on this site! I've watched you lift people up!
Your ex and his friend are the toxic ones, and you did the right thing letting them go. You definitely don't deserve to hate yourself. I mean, you're funny, charming, wholesome, honest, witty, and being in your presence is a blessing!
I know your anxiety is telling you these things, and dragging you down, but trust me, when I say that anxiety is dead wrong.
I haven't seen you hurt anyone.

Thanks Shuri, you make me feel like a good person and I like that. My old friend group didn’t make me feel that way. I ditched me tho so life is going better.

dumb vent but fuck i didn't know writing a car crash was so hard

100% valid because it is!

if ur friends make u feel like shit for reasons unrelated to your anxiety, then get out of there.

dumb vent but fuck i didn't know writing a car crash was so hard

100% valid because it is!

thx yo
how do i even describe the broken windshield bits on the pavement in an artsy way, like i'm a slut for weird imagery but i got nothing
"cruel jewelry" is all i got but that sounds like shit

Don’t worry I did. It wasn’t healthy there.
I don need more people making me feel bad when I already dislike myself enough

Don’t worry I did. It wasn’t healthy there.
I don need more people making me feel bad when I already dislike myself enough

"fake it till you make it" actually works for improving self-esteem. i dressed and behaved certain ways with the sole goal "make ppl think i'm the shit and i like myself". and guess what. three years later, i got a boy and several friends who think i am the shit, and i actually like myself.

Hey, you're not toxic from what I've seen. In fact, you're one of the purest, most pleasant people on this site! I've watched you lift people up!
Your ex and his friend are the toxic ones, and you did the right thing letting them go. You definitely don't deserve to hate yourself. I mean, you're funny, charming, wholesome, honest, witty, and being in your presence is a blessing!
I know your anxiety is telling you these things, and dragging you down, but trust me, when I say that anxiety is dead wrong.
I haven't seen you hurt anyone.

Thanks Shuri, you make me feel like a good person and I like that. My old friend group didn’t make me feel that way. I ditched me tho so life is going better.

Do I need to pay them a visit?
Bruh you're so special and priceless I'm pissed that they would do that. Nobody should ever do that to anyone let alone you tf?
Toxic, you're adorbs!