A noble goal ;)
I wanna read the scene where Nat and Stris meet for the first time!!
Other random scene prompts:
-Two characters who are obvious rivals are forced to work together
-Have one character accidentally stumble upon some secret plot by either the protags or antags.
-Write the very minor character's background story
-A character breaks something very unique and expensive. Write about their crazy scramble to find a replacement and/or try to fix it.
Hey LittleBear!
I just got done reading all your stuff, and wow, I really like it so far! :D
I'm not going to critique anything here, but what do you think of starting a thread for us to exchange story bits? (seeing as you have friends helping you here already, and I don't want to invade that :))
Keep up the great writing, I can't wait to see more! :D
@TryToDoItWrite I'll get right to it! And @Hollydraws, sure just set one up and @ me and I would love to! I'll just double post!
okki dokki! :D On it!
I am still working on the scene where they meet… it's evading me… Here something a little later down the line.
~Edited
Strisen -
“What are you doing?”
I kept going through the movements just like the weapons master had shown me. “Practicing.”
“You look like you learned from a book,” She chuckled and I could feel my face burn. I looked straight ahead, gritted my teeth, and continued. Nati gasped and clapped her hands; she could read me like a book. “You did! Has no one taught you properly?”
“Nati, I am an incredibly skilled archer –”
“I am sure. You would never catch me even eyeing a bow and arrow. That is a completely different world. However, if you are going to pick up a sword you should do it correctly. Your movements are much too stiff for swordplay.”
“I am doing just fine! If you were not so pretty, I would be mad at you.” I immediately regretted my words. My cheeks were betraying me; I just knew it.
“Oh,” she crooned. “You think I am pretty?” She sang ‘pretty’ as she fluttered her eyelashes. She picked up a sword from the table and swung it around to get a feel for it. They were just practice blades and horribly imbalanced, but it looked like an extension of herself.
“I – I think you are–” She was never going to let me forget this. “I am just going to ignore you.”
“I am impossible to ignore because I am, what was that again? Oh yes, I am pretty,” she teased as she moved towards me. With a deft rap, the steel of her practice sword hit mine and sent vibrations up my arm.
“Come on, Nati,” I groaned. Gods, she was like a kitten playing with a mouse. A deadly kitten.
“Disarm me and I will stop.” She swung her sword around and I knew that there was no possible way that I was going to be able to beat her. But braver men have done more stupid things to impress women.
“Oh I will.”
She disarmed me. Again. And again.
And again.
“Come on then. Beat me.” Nati tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and grinned.
Our blades crossed in front of our faces and they caught each other at their cross-guards. A terrible thought came to mind and before my more rational side could stop me, I leaned forward and kissed her. It was fleeting, no more than a few seconds, but – gods. Her lips were so soft and warm.
Startled, she took a step back and her sword faltered. I took the opportunity to twist my sword and my cross-guard caught hers. It fell from her grasp with a clatter. “Ha!” I laughed. It had actually worked!
The moment was short lived. The look on her face was terrifying; she narrowed her eyes and clenched her jaw and she looked like she was considering murder. She marched up to me, it did not matter that I towered over her; it is a miracle that I stood my ground. Our faces were a breath apart. "That was dirty," she hissed as she grabbed my face and kissed me.
I love this so much!!!!! This is some amazing dialogue! I enjoyed reading it so much. Just a few pointers here and there:
“You look like you learned from a book.” She chuckled and I could feel my face burn. “You did! Has no one taught you properly?”
This could be a bit clearer. It's hard to tell what's going on. I think a sentence in between the second and third sentences would clear it up. Maybe something about how Nastille realized that he truly had been learning from a book, or something about his expression giving it away. I don't know. Whatever the case, it would help to add just a little more.
“I am doing just fine! If you were not so pretty, I would be mad at you.” I immediately regretted my words. My cheeks were betraying me; I just knew it.
“Oh,” she crooned. “You think I am pretty?” She sang the word ‘pretty’ as she fluttered her eyelashes. She picked up a sword from the table and swung it around to get a feel for it. They were just practice blades and horribly imbalanced, but it looked like an extension of herself.
“I – I think you are–” She was never going to let me forget this. “I am just going to ignore you.”
“I am impossible to ignore because I am, what was that again? Oh yes, I am pretty,” she teased as she moved towards me. With a deft rap, she sent vibrations up my arm.
I'm not even critiquing this. I'm just pointing out how good it is. Both characters are a distinct voice and the dialogue is drenched with wit and humor. I like the way the action flows naturally, the way everything feels, just…great. Great job.
“That was dirty,” she hissed, grabbed my face and kissed me.
Bit of an awkward sentence. I think it's a run-on. It should be: "That was dirty," she hissed, grabbing my face and kissing me. OR "That was dirty," she hissed as she grabbed my face and kissed me. OR…etc.
Anyway, this was so, so good. Loved reading it.
Oh man! This was awesome!! You get a perfect view of both characters (just like @write said) and it's honestly amazing. They both have their own voice and own movements.
The only thing I could critique that @write didn't is this lil section here was a bit unclear to me:
“I am impossible to ignore because I am, what was that again? Oh yes, I am pretty,” she teased as she moved towards me. With a deft rap, she sent vibrations up my arm.
“Come on, Nati,” I groaned. Gods, she was like a kitten playing with a mouse. A deadly kitten.
It's unclear because the image it gives is unclear. I re read it and got that it was the practice sword hitting him on the arm, but on the first read I didn't. To make it flow a bit easier i'd explain more.
…she moved towards me. She swung the sword and I moved to parry it, but she was too quick. With a deft rap of the hard wooden blade, she sent vibrations up my arm.
But besides that, it was coolio! V. nice!
@TryToDoItWrite Here is my answer to your prompt! And omg this was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. I think that this is the general skeleton that I want to use, I still not satisfied with it. Have at it guys :)!
Strisen -
An almighty thunk jarred me out of my thoughts. A muffled yelp and a groan followed soon afterwards – one from the front and one from the back. I fell sideways as the carriage swerved. I almost called out to Jakion, but something held me back. Usually a bump in the night would not warrant any response, but somehow knew that this was cause for concern. The carriage sped up and I could feel every rut in the road.
Trying not to panic, I yanked at the door handle only to find it jammed. Cursing softly, I fumbled under my vest for my knife. My heart beat in my ears and my legs tensed up. I filled my lungs with as much air as possible and then there was another much lighter sound. Three. Three of them. Gods, I wish I had my bow with me.
There was a small clink and I caught the glint of a blade peak through the leather where the canopy latch connected with the roof. I scrambled for the corner and tried to steady my still erratic breathing. The sunroof door swung open and a thin figure dropped down into the carriage, landing with hardly a sound.
I leapt forward and tacked the intruder, pinning him to the ground with my body. My knife was at his throat when we passed by a street lamp and the yellow glow peaked through the curtains. There was no Adam’s apple. They sent a woman to kill me. How could I defend myself from a woman?
“Who are you?” I hissed, “What do you want from me?”
“I am here to save your royal rear end,” she said and I recognized her voice from somewhere. “If you do not mind, I do not care for knifes so close to my throat.” We passed another lamp and its light illuminated her face.
I immediately withdrew from her. “You are the girl from the courthouse!” I could just make out the flash of her teeth in the dimming light.
“Indeed I am, although, you are not Kraiotan.” We went over a particularly large rut and both of us bounced into the air. Our faces were so close that I could detect the fain scent of vanilla and something fresh, not quite like grass but close. Embarrassed, I scrambled off her and was eternally grateful that the darkness was here to hide my burning cheeks.
“H-How did you get here?” I stammered.
“I will answer all of your questions, but first let us deal with your kidnappers.” Again light seeped into the carriage and I could see that her hair was pulled back and she was clad entirely in black. The most astonishing thing, however, was that she was wearing trousers. So many questions flooded my brain. “Two armed men jumped onto your carriage and knocked off the footman and driver. Last I saw, they were both alive.” She got up and took two blades out of sheaths strapped to her thighs. There was also a bullwhip attached to her belt. “Which one do you want?”
I snapped back into reality. “Uh, what?”
“Do you want to take the driver or the footman?” She sounded like she was rolling her eyes. “Or I guess more importantly, how are you with horses?”
“Terrible. I’ll take the footman,” I decided.
She nodded, grabbed the lip of the sunroof, and pulled herself up. Who in the three hells was this woman? I jumped up and had to kick at the air to get myself through the opening. When I finally got up, I peeked down at the footman and found him with his back to me, watching the surroundings with a hand on his sword pommel. I turned to her and she mouthed at me: three, two, one.
I jumped off the roof and landed square in the middle of the thug’s back. With all of the force I could muster, I pushed off of him. With a startled grunt, he tipped forward and tried unsuccessfully to catch air with his arms. His hands managed to connect with the ground first, but his forehead slammed into the cobblestones and he did not get back up. There was groan and a second later, I saw the driver on the ground as we flew past, clutching his arm. It looked dislocated.
The carriage gradually slowed to a stop next to an old limestone building. I jumped off the back and immediately she came to my side and put a hand on my elbow. “Come with me, we can talk on the roof.” We slipped inside and it was like walking into an embrace. An intricate rug covered the floor and a fire roared in the massive fireplace. There were velvet couches scattered about, bookshelves lined all of the walls, and the faint scent of vanilla floated through the air. She guided me up the staircase.
Three floors later, we came to a door and found ourselves on an equally cozy roof. It was clearly meant for entertaining; there was a roaring fire in a pit, chaise lounges scattered about, and a fully stocked drink cart. “Are you going to tell me what in Sivula’s name is going on?” I ran a hand through my hair.
“I would not expect you to curse,” she said as she hovered the drinks. “Can I get you anything?”
“Water. Now stop stalling. How did you get into my carriage? Who were those thugs?” I suppose I should have been more appreciative, but my patience was beginning to wear thin.
She put a glass of cool water into my hand and strode to the roof’s railing. I took a grateful gulp and followed her. She took a sip of red wine as she looked at the street below. The carriage was still there but two footmen were leading the horses out of their harnesses to what I assumed was the stables. “First answer: I jumped. Second –”
“You what?” I cut her off.
“I was walking on the second story roads and I saw those ruffians attack your men. So, I ran and jumped onto your carriage as it passed under a bridge,” she said as if it was a stroll in the park. She took another sip and flicked an undetectable spec off her sleeve.
“Who are you?” I took her in fully now. She had a pretty face, with a small button nose and full lips, just as I had remembered it. But, most stunning of all were her eyes. They reminded me of the Strician Ocean – deep and penetrating, you could get lost in them, just drown in their splendor. I made a conscious effort to look just at her face, even just thinking about her trousers made my ears warm with impropriety.
“Oh,” she shook her head “Where are my manners?” She put her drink on the ((I’m looking for the top flat part of a roof railing, you know like the little wall that keeps you from walking straight off of a roof but still lets you see outside? Not bannisters, (not quite) railing, idk help pls)) and she offered me her hand. “Call me Natiselle.”
How odd. Usually this is where I would bow and kiss her hand, but she was offering it as a man would – with an open palm. I followed her lead, gripped her hand firmly, and we shook as equals. Her hand was unlike any I had ever held. It was tough and covered in callouses. “Strisen.”
Her eyes grew wide as she pulled away and her hand fluttered to her heart. “I remember!” she gasped. “I remember where I have seen you before!”
My heart sank. “We met almost two weeks ago in the court house.” Was I truly that forgettable? “You confused me with someone else.”
Her eyes shone as she swatted my arm with an astonishing familiarity. “No silly, I remember it now! You were getting out of a carriage, and you dropped something.”
There were threads of a memory coming back to me.
A carriage ride.
A nanny.
A cloudy day.
A beam of sunlight.
A little black haired girl who picked up my puzzle box.
As the thoughts came, I began to pace. “That was you? I remember now. Gods, I was what? Six?”
She tucked a stray curl behind her ear.
“You gave this back to me.” I pulled the little box out of my pocket and showed it to her. The panic I felt all those years ago came flooding back, I could almost see it bouncing down the steps and onto the busy sidewalk. “And for that I will always be in your debt. I can see it so clearly. I was going to thank you but the sun was in my eyes and then you were gone.”
“Why would you be in my debt? I just returned it to its’ rightful owner,” she said and I suddenly could not meet her eyes.
I rejoined her at the ledge (again the word?) “My mother had this made for me.” What was I doing? I had not talked about her in years, especially never to a perfect stranger.”
Her voice was so soft, almost a breath. “What happened to her?”
“She died in childbirth.” I tried to sound matter of fact. It was a long time ago. I had never met her, I should not be this affected by her absence.
She put a comforting hand on my arm. “I am sorry.” Her expression was kind but otherwise unreadable.
Also I got bored in class so I'm just going to leave this here:
First of all, DANG GuRL those are good drawings! The coloring is especially impressive :)
I loved the scene! It was a perfect fantasy meet-cute for two characters–a highspeed action scene into a more intimate setting. Loved it.
I honestly got nothing. The only, very very nitpicky thing is the paragraph change thing again.
As the thoughts came, I began to pace. “That was you? I remember now. Gods, I was what? Six?” She tucked a stray curl behind her ear. “You gave this back to me.” I pulled the little box out of my pocket and showed it to her.
becomes
As the thoughts came, I began to pace. “That was you? I remember now. Gods, I was what? Six?”
She tucked a stray curl behind her ear.
“You gave this back to me.” I pulled the little box out of my pocket and showed it to her.
its not that huge of a deal but when talking about them separately, you need separate paragraphs. Easier to read.
Anyways, that was the only thing! It was awesome! Keep it up, I love these characters. (sorry i was so late getting to this)
@TryToDoItWrite Thanks so much :) If y'all ever want me to doodle something quick for y'all let me know! (Literally its the only way I can stay awake in some of my lectures). And no worries! Its hectic for all of us as the semester draws to a close, school comes first!
This is a beautiful story and I honestly just get so sucked into reading it that it's hard to critique!
@RaincoatDrowns Thanks so much, that's so sweet!
@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime, I don't mean to pushy, but how is the critique going?
I am so sorry!! My brain convinced me I'd already critiqued it. Here you go, and sorry it's late!
First off, the drawing!!! So good! They're all like I imagined them, especially Nastille. As for the section, I'm going to have to get kind of nitpicky because the story is very cohesive and I enjoyed it a lot.
Original: Usually a bump in the night would not warrant any response, but somehow knew that this was cause for concern.
EDIT: Usually a bump in the night would not warrant any response from me, but somehow I knew that this was a cause for concern.
Original: I filled my lungs with as much air as possible and then there was another much lighter sound. Three. Three of them. Gods, I wish I had my bow with me.
I'm not quite sure how to edit this bit because it's so vague. I'm not sure how "I filled my lungs with…air" goes along with "and then there was a much lighter sound." I'd separate those two thoughts if I were you, or cut the detail about air altogether. I'm also not sure how he came to the conclusion that there were three of them. Maybe clarify just a little.
Original: Our faces were so close that I could detect the fain scent of vanilla and something fresh, not quite like grass but close. Embarrassed, I scrambled off her and was eternally grateful that the darkness was here to hide my burning cheeks.
Can I just say that I love this trope, especially when it's done well? It's a cliché, but a good cliché. I know, I know, that's not a critique. I just had to say it. Lol.
"((I’m looking for the top flat part of a roof railing, you know like the little wall that keeps you from walking straight off of a roof but still lets you see outside? Not bannisters, (not quite) railing, idk help pls)) "
I thought it was a chase, but that's part of a fireplace. I'm as lost as you are…
Okay, that's all. Sorry if this critique is more disjointed than usual. I feel like it's getting harder and harder to critique, which is definitely a good thing. Sometimes I get so lost in the narrative I forget it's not a published book that I'm reading just for fun. Great job!!
Ha! Same!
Y’all are too sweet, I’m going to get a tooth ache. Oh and, hey @TryToDoItWrite I started a writing comp if you are interested, spots are open for judges and writers!! https://www.notebook.ai/forum/general-chat/short-story-writing-competition-2
Hey, just letting you know I am still alive, I am SUPER BUSY right now (going to bed at 12 waking up at 5 busy) though. So I will not be available until after the 16th! BUT I will be writing more and have something soon! Thanks for being so great y'all! @TryToDoItWrite @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime
Hey, just letting you know I am still alive, I am SUPER BUSY right now (going to bed at 12 waking up at 5 busy) though. So I will not be available until after the 16th! BUT I will be writing more and have something soon! Thanks for being so great y'all! @TryToDoItWrite @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime
Oh okay! I was wondering where you went. But I totally get it. Thanks for continuing to share your writing with us :D
(( Hey @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime @TryToDoItWrite! I'm back for a brief spell (before I head to Germany for a month) and struck with inspiration! So I'm going to upload like a fiend, feel free to critique at your own pace! Thanks so much for being patient with me!))
Edits have been made
Erion
The best officers are not made by solely by the brilliance of their maneuvers or the number of battles won, rather by how they regard their soldiers. Severe and tyrannical treatment may be passable in the short term; however, it does nothing to inspire loyalty or discipline – only resentment. There is such a way to motivate men with a proper example of compassion for ones fellow soldiers. It is imperative that when giving orders to troops that one does – “Erion!” Eline shook my shoulder and pulled me out of my textbook.
Lady Morn just happened to passing at that moment and her hawkish eyes narrowed as she stopped in her tracks. “Miss Camile, you know better than to shout in the library. Either carry on your conversation elsewhere or stop,” she said sternly and continued on her way.
Eline looked both mortified and furious, her mouth gaping like a fish at Lady Morn’s back. I stifled a snicker as I gathered my books and notes. Gods, I could feel her seething next to me as we left the library.
Eline found her voice the moment the grand doors closed behind us. “Honestly! That woman! I – just, ugh!” she sputtered.
Without thinking, I laughed. I immediately regretted it.
“You think this is funny, do you?” She spat and bumped me with her hip.
I am not proud to say that I stumbled slightly. “Alright, that was in poor taste. I deserve that,” I said as I rubbed my side. “You have such a bony backside. I believe you cut me.”
She shot me a glare for a moment but then broke into a smile. “You are a bony ass.”
“There you go again. Not nice.” I grinned at her as she laughed at me. “Now what was so important that you risked incurring the wrath of Lady Morn?”
“Risked? I did incur her wrath,” She said, rolling her eyes.
“Stop arguing semantics and spit it out Eline,” I teased. But to my surprise instead of a witty comeback, the blood rose to Eline’s cheeks.
Was she okay? Was she sick? Eline never blushed. She tucked a stray strand of blond hair behind her ear with a shaky hand and my concern only grew. There was a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. There was something wrong. What was she hiding?
“Oh, stop being impatient. I will tell you when we get to the courtyard.” She was deliberately not looking at me. Her hand was balled into a fist and it was trembling ever so slightly. Eline was going to tell me something devastating; I could feel it in my bones.
We went the rest of the way to the courtyard in an awkward silence. Thankfully, it was not too much further. I trailed after her as she strode to her favorite bench, the one under the cherry tree. It was in full bloom and a few petals escaped every time the wind blew. She patted the spot next to her and looked up at me expectantly.
I could hear my heart pumping in my ears as I sat next to her. “Yes?” The hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end and looking at her was like trying to look at the sun – unbearable.
Eline looked down at her hands folded carefully in her lap. She was holding them so tightly that her knuckles were white. “It has taken me so long to find the courage to say this so you had better let me finish or the gods themselves will fear my wrath. Understand?”
I nodded.
“Other than my family, you were my first friend. I have made all of my other friends because of your kindness. Without you, I would still be that sullen little girl in the kitchens with her nose stuck in a book, making snide comments about dumb people.”
I could not help myself. “You still do that!” I ribbed.
She hit me, but rewarded me with a smile. “I will end you Uradavi.”
I held up my hands in surrender.
Eline looked off into the distance. “Now, I have a whole group of people who accept me for who I am. Who laugh with me. Who help me dry my tears. Who will support me when I need it. And I them. All because of you. You have given me the world without asking anything in return.” She seemed to find her strength because she turned to me. “I mean at first you just wanted my food, but you have not asked for anything since. Whenever I have something happy or sad to share, I want to run to you. You have become my safe place, my home.” She took a shaky breath and grabbed one of my hands. “You have to promise me that whatever I say will not ruin our friendship. I do not need an answer now, but please do not hide from me. That would break my heart.”
My head was a swirling pool of emotions. Up was down. Left was right. My body was turning to stone. I did not know whether to be relieved or scared. I had thought that someone had died or she was leaving or she had some flesh-eating disease. But, if she was going to say what I think she was going to say – that was almost worse. Do not jump to conclusions! Hear her out! I chided myself.
“Of course, I could not hide from you if I tried,” I said as I picked a stray cherry blossom out of her hair.
“I think that I love you Erion. I think that I always have.”
Gods above and below, I was going to break her heart. Until now, my greatest fear had been Marielle finding out how I felt about her. But this was worse – so much worse.
“I know that you fancy Marielle, but Jerlorn is starting to woo her and –”
Wait. She knew? Who else knew? Did Marielle? I could feel my eyes growing wider. Sweat was starting to bead on my forehead. Any thoughts I had were replaced by internal screaming.
She must have seen me panicking because she sighed, “Do not worry, you infant. I only know because I know you so well.”
Oh, the agony she must have felt as I pined over Marielle. I wanted to hide from the shame of it all.
She tucked her hair behind her ear again. “I do not need your reply, but promise me you will think on it.”
I stared at her for who knows how long before I regained control of my brain. “I promise,” I croaked. With sweaty palms, I held both of her hands in mine and gave them a squeeze. “And you and I will be friends until the end of time. I promise that too.”
She nodded curtly, all the tension gone from her little body. Then she got up, kissed me on the cheek, and walked away. As she left, she whispered, “Thank the gods that is over with” under her breath.
I watched as the wind played with her hair and skirts. More blossoms rained down and I was struck by how beautiful the scene could have been had I not been thunderstruck.
Eline.
Eline?
Eline.
She did have a beauty about her, with her small features and fiery personality. She was like a murderous pixie, just waiting for the opportunity to rip you to shreds. Even the way she moved was like that – she always looked like she had somewhere to be. She always moved with a purpose.
Could I love her back?
I thought about all the times that we sat next to each other, poring over textbooks and wishing for more adventures. I thought about all of the times we snuck out of the castle to explore Estonie. Every memory of us seemed to float around my head. I wanted so desperately for that spark to ignite, the one that I felt when I thought of Marielle. That breathless feeling, the one that made me feel like a fish out of water.
Nothing came. There was only the low hum of friendship. It was a gentle warmth of a hearth on a cold day or of cookies straight from the oven.
Defeated, I finally forced myself to make my way home. The entire ride was a blur; my mind just dissected every one of Eline’s words over and over again. I moved mindlessly towards my chambers before I was called out of my stupor.
“Erion!” Mother yelled. I blinked up at her as she descended the stairs. “I have called you more times than I care to count.”
“My apologies, Mother. My mind is elsewhere,” I said, making sure to look her directly in the eye.
Her brow furrowed slightly and she motioned me closed to her. I met her at the foot of the staircase and she raised the back of her hand to my forehead. “You are not feverish, and yet you look afflicted.”
“It is nothing Mother. My day was taxing is all.” I made sure to stand as straight as possible, praying that she would move on so that I could go think my life over.
She looked skeptical but she dropped her hand and the subject. “Go and pack a bag with some clothes. I am sending you to continue your learning elsewhere. You –”
“What? No! I –”
The look on her face was thunderous. In that instant I would have rather had the ground swallow me whole or have my tongue ripped out by Rionel in the Third Hell than be in front of Mother. Her eyes were like ice as she looked down at me. “Do you wish to continue? If your words are more important than mine, I will wait.”
“No Mother. I have nothing of importance.” I looked at my shoes.
“You will not be returning for some time. Were I you, I would bring a few things of sentimental value. Go.” She pointed up the stairs and I took the opportunity to flee.
I only stopped once I had reached the top of the staircase on the third floor to look down at the foyer. Mother was wiping down the bust of her favorite philosopher and for a moment, I truly and deeply despised her. I pushed the thought away. There was no way that she could have known the dilemma I was facing. This was not her fault. Still, the anger lingered.
Once I had packed the essentials, I took a moment to look around my room. Nothing stood out to me. Oddly, it felt wrong to take anything of real worth. Mother did not approve of sentimentality and so her advice felt wrong. Instead, I took only an inkwell, my new quill, and a roll of parchment. I promised myself that I would write Eline the moment I had a chance.
Travel case in hand, I made my way down the limestone steps. I had almost made it to the last step when I heard a sound behind me. Before I could turn, coarse fabric fell over my head.
Then something hit the back of my legs and I fell to my knees. Someone grabbed my arms and wrenched them behind my back. I manage to yelp before something hit the side of my head, hard. Nothing followed but blackness.
Okay, working on the critique now!
Wow! I have nothing negative to say about your plot or characters! It was all v. nice, as usual :) The only thing are little grammar/flow things that are easily fixed. side note: these are all opinion type things so don't feel obligated to change anything. I'll just go in order:
It is imperative that when giving orders to troops that one does – “Erion!” Eline shook my shoulder and pulled me out of my textbook.
I would actually make the passage out of the book longer in order to give the feel that he actual is sucked into the book and Eline is really jolting him out of it.
Her hand was balled into a fist and it she was trembling ever so slightly.
I have a feeling you didn't mean to say "it" right there
Eline was going to tell me something devastating, I could feel it in my bones.
I'd separate these out into two sentences or with a semi colon. they are two complete thoughts and thus cannot be connected by a comma. (im a grammar nazi im sorry)
The hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end and looking at her was like trying to look at the sun. Unbearable.
Again, im a grammar nazi. Fragments are okay in my book in dialog and not much else. Lots of the great writers do fragments in narrative, but, as my english teachers always said to me, until you are a great, you have to follow the rules just to show people that you know them.
you'll have to connect the last word to the sentence with a em dash, like so:
The hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end and looking at her was like trying to look at the sun—unbearable.
Gods above and below. I was going to break her heart.
Comma instead of period here. It's not a complete thoughts, but something to add emphasis.
But this was worse. So much worse.
Dash again.
Sweat was starting to bead on my forehead. Why was
I sweating?
I would delete the question here. It's kinda obvious why he's sweating, and it would be even to himself, so it doesn't make lots of sense.
Even the way she moved was like that, she always looked like she had somewhere to be.
I'd use a dash here. Don't be afraid of the dash. The dash is your best friend, along with it's cousin the colon and it's twin sister the semi colon.
There was only the low hum of friendship. It was a gentle warmth of a hearth on a cold day or of cookies straight from the oven.
Nothing to critique here. Just wanted to say that I LovEd this bit here! I could feel it!!! Awesome keep it uppp!!
“What? No! I –” I interrupted
I'd delete "I interrupted." its pretty obvious that he did and it makes the whole thing flow smoother without it in my opinion
Then something hit the back of my knees and I buckled.
I wouldn't say "I buckled" because really it's his legs doing the buckling so i'd change it to that. or even "Then something hit the back of my legs and I fell to my knees." Idk, but the sentence needs tweaking.
OKAY!! WOw! Great stuff as always! I enjoyed reading it and the critiques are just stylistic and picky grammar stuff! Keep it up, man!
@TryToDoItWrite, whoa quick turn around! Thanks so much for being a grammar Nazi, I really do appreciate it :)! I went ahead and added some more to the first little book passage (besides the edits), lmk what you think.
The best officers are not made by solely by the brilliance of their maneuvers or the number of battles won, rather by how they regard their soldiers. Severe and tyrannical treatment may be passable in the short term; however, it does nothing to inspire loyalty or discipline – only resentment. There is such a way to motivate men with a proper example of compassion for ones fellow soldier. It is imperative that when giving orders to troops that one does – “Erion!” Eline shook my shoulder and pulled me out of my textbook.
OOoo The book passage has nothing to do with your story yet even that bit I can see you put towards your novel's theme. I like it!! * thumbs up *
Okay today is the day! I will have internet while I'm there (I think?), so I might get to post then. But if not, see y'all soon!
OH my gOSh tell me how Germany is because I'm going to spend a year there after I graduate!
HEyyy sorry I've been super busy this weekend/last week so I haven't had time to read over what you wrote. Hopefully I'll get to read it tonight or tomorrow.
I LOVED IT! I didn't even realize how much I missed your writing until I read it. The narrative is so smooth. I love his reactions to Eline, I love the descriptions, I love the dialogue –you make my job so incredibly difficult! I managed to find one tiny imperfection in an otherwise flawless narrative: "She nodded curly" should be "She nodded curtly." Other than that, I literally couldn't find one thing wrong. I can't wait for the next excerpt!
Just got back from Germany and HOLY @#&($^!@)$ it was AMAZING - I liked it better than Italy….. @TryToDoItWrite I can pm you all of the things you MUST do while your are there. And get ready for TONS of well behaved dogs. I have a few things that I have been working on and they'll (hopefully) be uploaded soon.
But again, @WriteLikeYoureRunningOutOfTime & @TryToDoItWrite thank you guys for being so crazily supportive - I don't know if I would have had the drive to write so much if it wasn't for y'all!
Welcome back! I'm glad your trip went well. I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing. :D