forum Your personal venting space.

Started January 17, 2019 by @The-N-U-T-Cracker

tune

I wish I could be noticed by people… But then again I’d probably embarrass myself. I just wish every day wasn’t so pancaking repetitive here…

I love you! I notice you!

I wish I could be noticed by people… But then again I’d probably embarrass myself. I just wish every day wasn’t so pancaking repetitive here…

Lol me.

But you know what else I wish? I wish I wasn’t so helpless, I wish I could actually do things myself and not have to rely on my parents constantly. (A lot of this rant is going to be religion related so if that triggers you or something ignore this) It’s not my fault that I haven’t been to confession in 3 months despite being in a possible state of mortal sin, it’s not my fault we’ve only been to church once within the past 5 weeks, it’s not my fault that I haven’t been eating healthy, it’s not my fault that every single pancaking day is completely unmemorable and exactly the same, It’s not my fault that I can’t パンケーキing do anything but sit around playing my phone until I’m at least 16,

Who’s fault is it? My parents because they never take me anywhere. I understand that they have busy schedules sometimes, but a lot of these things had planned out dates. Yet my mom completely ignored them, scheduled more things for those days, invited a friend over for coffee and left her child to rock back in forth in her room panicking that she’s going to die a painful death and burn in hell (I’m known for being a bit dramatic) because she wasn’t able to make up for her past awful behaviors and go to confession. And even on the days where we skipped church due to being snowed in, a few of those times we weren’t even that snowed in, one time my mom actually went out for lunch just an hour later and had no trouble driving, meaning we could’ve gone to church. Yet we didn’t.

I want to have even a slight bit of control over what happens in my life, right now the only things I can fully control are what games are on my phone, how much hot cocoa I drink per day, and what digital art tools/brushes/programs I use. I’m sick of it, I want to go places and do things for crying out loud, yet I’m stuck in this house counting the hours that go by until I’m finally old enough to drive far away from this place and live my own life. I’m sick of feeling like an awful freaking human being over things I can’t change, I’m sick of being stuck in an endless loop of the same things over and over again, and I’m sick of being unable to do anything about it.

There’s my vent for the day.

I'm sorry Ella. I know what that's like. Are you able to go on walks or bike rides by yourself?

Nope, I don't have a bike or anywhere to use it and the only place I can go for a walk is the hay field in my backyard, which is known for being full of spiders, wasps, and all things creepy crawly. It's usually too overgrown to walk through anyway… Not to mention it's snowing here.

ugh that sucks. sorry about that :(

I'll live… Things will hopefully get better once winter ends, even my mom's starting to miss going places as a family and actually doing stuff

That's good!

Have you talked to you parents about this?

Okay this is gonna sound rather self centered because it kinda is. But I realized today how very invisible I am. LIke I was having a really intense panic attack in 3rd period this morning and like no one even noticed. Like I was silently crying the entire period and then towards the end of the period my friend who was sitting next to me the e n t i r e time turned to me and was like "you look like you're about to cry" and yeah I'm good at hiding these types of things but like this was a really bad panic attack. Worst one I've had at school. Like I couldn't breathe at all, couldn't think, was shaking really badly, struggling to do just about anything honestly, and was really disorientated and no one even noticed or cared. I'm not saying that I want attention for this or anything, but like I feel like anything could happen and no one would even notice for a while

That’s not self centred, I think anyone would feel the same. I’m not sure what advice I can give other than tell people how you are feeling. I know you’ve probably heard that before but if it doesnt help people notice you then that tells you you need to get yourself some new people.

I think it was more in the moment. I talked about it with a different friend later and we were presenting in that classroom so everyone else was focused on the groups presenting so it's not surprising that I wasn't seen at the time. Me and my friends look out for each other but it is harder to do that when they don't really have any classes with you. As for the person sitting next to me, I'm just not as close to her so I never did talk about it.

I would like to quickly vent that I hate anxiety

So do I. Would you care to elaborate or nah?

I would like to quickly vent that I hate anxiety

Me too. I'm sorry that you have to deal with it.

Yeah, that's a big mood Shives. Wanna vent to us? It's what this thread is for.

So do I. Would you care to elaborate or nah?

Social anxiety. I was sitting at my computer during my last class, just 20 or so minutes of free time. Some guys were in the table in front of me and at one point I felt they were so close. They were leaning against the table I was at. It just triggered my anxiety. My anxiety just makes me sweat it feel like I am, it makes my mind and thoughts clouded, it makes me feel as if breathing is just slightly harder. It was just triggered by their closeness nothing else.

I have social anxiety as well, although it's not as bad as most people's.

My social anxiety is really weird. It's gotten better, but I know and understand it'll never fully vanish, ever.

So do I. Would you care to elaborate or nah?

Social anxiety. I was sitting at my computer during my last class, just 20 or so minutes of free time. Some guys were in the table in front of me and at one point I felt they were so close. They were leaning against the table I was at. It just triggered my anxiety. My anxiety just makes me sweat it feel like I am, it makes my mind and thoughts clouded, it makes me feel as if breathing is just slightly harder. It was just triggered by their closeness nothing else.

I know what that's like. I wish I could help.

My social anxiety is really weird. It's gotten better, but I know and understand it'll never fully vanish, ever.

Almost all of that is true for me, but my anxiety has gotten worse.

I'm sorry Shives. I know what it's like as well.

oh man I can relate to that a little

Okay so I have a problem with talking to my principal and its honestly the worst. Like she asks if I'm okay and how my stress levels are (prolly cuz of what happened a few months ago)and everytime she asks I lie and become more anxious and I dislike lying but I'm also really good at it

Oof. I don't know how to help.

You can always write what you feel down, and pass it to her. That might be able to help you, I don't know, something of that nature. Somebody here was better experience with anxiety can probably give you good advice.

Okay so I have a problem with talking to my principal and its honestly the worst. Like she asks if I'm okay and how my stress levels are (prolly cuz of what happened a few months ago)and everytime she asks I lie and become more anxious and I dislike lying but I'm also really good at it

I'm not sure how to help, but I really hope you get better.

Like literally seeing her near me can set me spiraling towards an anxiety attack and its been a problem for a while and I've never really known how to fix it. And I know that if I'm honest then she's going to tell my parents and I don't want to go through that again

I'd maybe suggest writing it down, too. Like a letter. It doesn't have to be too long, either.

I remember the peak of my anxiety was in grade 4, a longish time ago. I got myself a therapist from there, and I started improving slowly for the next few years. But it's probably one of the worst anxiety attacks I've had in grade 4 but my teacher there wasn't exactly the best either (she made it worse by pulling me through the hallways, in front of my classmates. Probably the only 'bad' teacher I've ever had though.)

Edit: oops, sorry didn't see your reply, I guess we posted at the same time

As you're near her, do the writing trick that I gave you, and try Square breathing.

Yes, square breathing is nice.