forum I Can Help Edit Scenes, Characters, and Much More!

Started April 05, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

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Mason silently cursed Toby as he shivered in the crisp early morning weather. He had been sleeping peacefully until he had gotten a call claiming that he needed to head down to the lab as fast as humanly possible. Mason had reluctantly pulled himself out of bed and debated whether or not he had time to take a shower. Thankfully, he decided that he didn’t and had begun the twenty-minute walk down to the lab.
Once there, Mason knocked on the large metal door and rubbed his hands up and down his arms hoping to gain warmth. The door opened with a loud creak and behind it stood Toby himself. His ink black hair had been slicked back by gel and almost seemed to reflect the fluorescent lighting. His amber brown eyes shined with excitement and his lab coat swished as Toby swayed slightly.
“Mason! Just in time! Come in! Come in!” Toby greeted pulling Mason into the warm lab.
“What is it this time Toby?” Mason asked as he walked towards Toby’s office.
“Only the greatest discovery of all time!” Toby exclaimed throwing open the wooden door to his office. Mason shook his head looking around. Toby’s office looked exactly like it had when Mason had visited it seven hours ago. The wooden desk still sat in the center of the room with two chairs sitting in front of it. Behind the desk sat several metal filing cabinets and most of the drawers had papers sticking up out of them. To the left of that sat Toby’s bulletin board which at the moment was covered in thousands of pictures of the ocean and several islands. “Have a seat Mason.”
Mason took a seat in a chair by the desk waiting for Toby’s excuse for why he was there at one in the morning. “Alright, what is it?” Mason asked crossing his arms. Toby smiled before turning to the bulletin board and pointing at several pictures.
“Do you see these?” He asked. Mason rolled his eyes before adjusting his glasses.
“Of course I see them. They’re three feet in front of me!”
“Just thought I’d ask…”
“Just get on with it, Toby.” Toby nodded before turning back to the pictures.
“I have reason to believe that there are new resources and materials in this particular area,” He started moving his hand around several pictures of the ocean. Mason nodded as Toby continued. “And the closest island for us to set up a base is here,” He pointed to a picture of an island, “The Phoenix Islands!” Toby smiled before turning to face Mason.
“Is that all?” Mason asked rubbing his face. Toby’s smile faded into an expression of disbelief.
“Is that all?! Is that all?! Are you clearly not interested that there is a possibility of new minerals down there?!” Mason didn’t say anything. “You know what,” Toby threw his hands up before moving over to his desk and opening a drawer, “maybe my research will convince you.” Toby pulled out a stack of papers and looked at them before offering them to Mason.
Mason shook his head. “I’m good Toby. If you don’t mind…I think I’m going to head home and go back to bed.” Mason made a move to stand up before Toby shouted “No!”.
“You can’t leave yet! Not until I tell the rest of the group!”
Mason raised a brow, “The rest of the group?” Toby nodded.
“Yes. I also called Gwen and Cody.” Mason groaned.
“Toby, It’s early. I’m exhausted and I’m sure you are as well. Can’t this wait until the morning?” Mason asked standing up from his chair.
“No! It can’t wait!!!” Before he could continue there was a knock on the large metal door. “They’re here!” Toby exclaimed rushing towards the door. Mason followed closely behind praying that it was just the mailman or some homeless man seeking shelter. Unfortunately, when Toby opened the door it was neither the mailman nor a homeless man seeking shelter. Instead, it was Gwen and Cody.
Gwen was leaning on Cody and from the looks of it, she had fallen asleep on his shoulder. Her normally curly electric blonde hair was tangled and she was wearing bunny slippers with black pajamas that had hearts on them. Cody, on the other hand, was using his right hand to make sure Gwen didn’t fall while he held a steaming coffee mug in his left hand. His Chestnut brown hair stood up at odd angles and his chocolate brown eyes were glazed with sleep. He wore gray sweatpants and a black T-shirt with flip-flops. He took a long sip of his coffee before noticing Toby and Mason.
“Hi. We got here as fast as we could.” Cody explained before nudging Gwen with his elbow.
“How long have you been out here?” Mason asked.
“I just got here. Pretty sure she waited a good couple of minutes thinking she had knocked.” Cody nudged Gwen again and she woke up this time.
“I’m up!” She exclaimed looking around. “Toby! Mason! Good to see you two!” She said giving the two of them hugs before slipping into the building. Cody nodded as he walked past the two of them.
When they had reached Toby’s office, Gwen had seated herself behind the desk as Cody sat on a chair in front of it. Mason sat down in the seat he was in before and waited. Toby smiled before repeating what he had told Mason to Cody and Gwen. When he finished, he waited patiently for someone to say something.
Cody took another sip of his coffee, “You want to go to the Phoenix Islands to gather minerals?” He asked. Toby nodded. Cody sighed before taking another drink of his coffee.
“When do you plan on doing this?” Gwen asked.
“Hopefully sometime next week,” Toby replied. As Toby and Gwen continued talking, Mason looked over to Cody who was glaring at his coffee mug. Mason scooted his chair closer.
“I’m assuming you’re as angry as I am…” Mason whispered quietly so neither Gwen nor Toby would hear him.
“It is 1:30 in the morning,” Cody started looking to Mason, “and I didn’t fall asleep until midnight. So yeah, I’m a little mad.” Mason couldn’t help but chuckle. It was only on rare occasions that Cody got mad and when he did it was hilarious. He would always look ready to murder and anyone that said something that irritated him would get the stink eye.
“Aw, look Toby. Cody has a friend!” Gwen cooed clasping her hands together. Cody swung his head and glared at her before Gwen broke down into a laughing fit. Mason shook his head as he laughed.
“For your information,” Cody started, “I have friends. They’re just always busy.” Gwen laughed again as Toby shook his head.
“Anyway,” Toby started, “I’m still waiting for an answer.”
“I didn’t hear you ask a question,” Mason replied turning in his seat.
“Will you guys accompany me on my trip to the Phoenix Islands?”
“Of course!” Gwen smiled. Cody nodded and Toby looked at Mason for an answer. Mason sighed.
“Someone has to look after you.” He mumbled.
“Perfect!” Toby announced, “I’ll make the arrangements with the boss tomorrow morning!”
“It is tomorrow morning” Cody mumbled as he left the office. Mason laughed shaking his head as he followed. He was exhausted and ready to head to bed but at least he got a laugh out of this unfortunate meeting.
Around eight that same morning, Mason received yet another call from Toby. “What is it now, Toby?” Mason asked irritated.
“Well, I talked to the boss and she’s requested that everyone who’s going on the trip be present at the lab immediately,” Toby explained. Mason sighed sitting up.
“I’ll be there as fast as I can.” He told Toby before hanging up. Mason set his phone on the nightstand and dragged himself out of bed.
When he arrived at the lab for the second time that day, Gwen was already waiting at the door. This time she wore a maroon shirt, jeans, and some brown boots. “Hey, Gwen,” Mason stated as he knocked on the door. Gwen turned to face him.
“Hey, Mason! How are you?”
“Good. Actually got some sleep. You?”
“Great!” She paused before continuing, “So, how are things between you and Cody?” Gwen smirked as she crossed her arms.
“I’m sorry what?”
“You and Cody.”
“What about us?”
“You a couple yet?” Mason felt his face heat up as he looked around. Thankfully no one was around and Mason prayed that someone hadn’t heard them. “Well?” Gwen asked.
“It’s not like that,” Mason whispered looking towards the ground. He could practically feel Gwen rolling her eyes. He and Cody were just friends. Gwen didn’t know what she was talking about. The loud creak of the door brought Mason out of his thoughts.
“Gwen! Mason!” Toby exclaimed running a hand through his hair, “Glad you're here! Come in! Come in!” Mason followed behind Toby and Gwen as they walked through the lab. “So as you know, I’ve informed the boss about the trip.” Toby turned as he continued, “She’s excited at the potential discovery of minerals but is concerned about our safety.”
“She has a right to,” Gwen started, “Remember the last time we went on a trip with you?”
“Kenya was a great trip!” Toby defended. Last year, Toby had managed to convince Mason and Gwen to go to Kenya with him to document animals and the overall experience had left Mason with several nightmares.
“I almost got eaten by a lion!” Gwen exclaimed.
“That’s water under the bridge. I assure you there are no lions on the Phoenix Islands.” Toby stated. Gwen rolled her eyes as Mason laughed.
When they reached the boss’s door, Mason gulped nervously. It had been a while since he’d visited Joy, and he didn’t know what was about to happen. Toby opened up the door and walked in, Gwen and Mason following shortly behind him. Joy was seated behind her desk in the center of the room. Her raven locks had been put up into a bun and she wore a blue cardigan that covered her white T-shirt, khakis, and flats. Behind her desk sat several file cabinets, all of them closed without a single paper or folder sticking out from them. In front of the desk were four chairs, one being taken by Cody. Mason sat next to him and ignored the smile Gwen sent him. Once the door was closed and everyone was seated, Joy spoke.
“I assume that Toby has informed you on my concerns,” She started. Gwen, Cody, and Mason nodded while Toby just shrugged. “Then you are aware that I’m concerned of your safety. I don’t want another Kenya repeat.” She turned her attention towards Toby who had suddenly found an interest in the floor.
“Don’t worry Mrs. Finley,” Cody started, “I’ll be on the trip. I’ll make sure everything goes well.” Joy turned to face him.
“Are you sure?” She asked raising a brow. Cody nodded.
“Absolutely.” Joy nodded before looking at everyone in the room.
“Alright, but do not hesitate to call me if something happens.”
“Understood.”
“You’re dismissed.” With that, Mason stood following the others out of the room. Once the door was shut, Gwen spoke.
“So Cody, You’re the safety master now?”
“Yep.”
“Well then, guess we aren’t having any fun on this trip…” Cody huffed as Mason chuckled.
“This trip isn’t about having fun!” Toby started as they headed towards his office, “We’re on the verge of a new discovery!”
“Toby I know for a fact that the second we get there, Mason and I are going to be setting up the base while you and Gwen go exploring or something.” Cody stated.
“I would never!” Toby placed his hand over his heart as he feigned offence. Gwen rolled her eyes as she laughed.
“Right.” Mason laughed.
“When are we leaving Toby?” Cody asked. Toby turned to face him.
“Oh yes. Probably should’ve mentioned that earlier. We leave in three days.”
“Three days?” Mason exclaimed. Toby nodded.
“Yes. Three days. Though I am going to require your assistance.”
“With?” Gwen asked.
“Packing our supplies of course.” Mason sighed.
They spent the next two days helping Toby pack. Gwen had spent most of that time taking things out of the bin and moving them back to where they were. Which caused Toby to go grab it again. Mason had spent his time crossing items of the list while Cody told him what was in the bin. Thankfully they had finished last night and Mason was now sitting in the airport waiting for everyone else. Mason checked his watch. It read 6:30. “Mason!” Mason turned his head at the mention of his name. Carrying several bags stood Toby. His hair hadn’t been gelled back yet and he was wearing casual clothing for once in his life.
“Need a hand?” Mason asked standing up.
“No, no, I’ve got it.” Toby set down several bags before sitting down and smiling.
“You’re late,” Mason pointed out, taking a seat beside him.
“Flight leaves at seven. It’s only 6:30, so therefore I’m not late.” Mason rolled his eyes.
“Fair enough. Any idea where Gwen and Cody are?” Toby yawned before lying down.
“The last time I checked, Gwen said that she was going to pick up Cody before arriving at the airport.”
Thanks! Sorry it's long!

@Krynn
I'm gonna do the same thing that I did with @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime , but it might take a little while. Expect a response sometime later tomorrow :)

@Krynn
I AM THE WORST I JUST GOT HOME FROM SOMETHING AND I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY TOMORROW
I'M SO SORRY
I PROMISE TO GET TO IT SOMETIME THIS WEEKEND FOR SURE, THOUGH

@ReiniDays You're fine! Take your time!

Could you critique the Prologue/Chapter 1 of my to-be book? Here it is:

-It all happened at 3 in the morning-
I was awake as usual, writing short stories in my notebook. The lamp in my room was my only current light source. Still too bright. I leaned forward and draped my hair around my writing like curtains. Much better.
Soon after I finished the page, turning it as I noticed a faint green light spewing onto the notebook. I looked down and spotted its source; the charms on my necklace, an heirloom passed down to me by my Grandpop. I sat up, not sure if I should be excited or nervous. My Familiar was coming.
The necklace hummed slightly and floated upwards into my face. I felt the intensity of the light increase as the humming grew louder. Suddenly it stopped, the charms hovered before me as the room fell silent. The air was still yet heavy and swirling with static. Then from nowhere the charms burst into beams of light so bright I had to shut my eyes. All gravity seemed to have left the air around me. The green light swirled together and started to take shape. It solidified before my eyes, my ears ringing and my head pounding. The soon-to-be creature gained mass and color. It landed on my floor barely 5 feet from me and everything returned to normal. Except for my life. Since there he was. My Familiar.

Yes! After I finish this map, I'll do yours and Krynn's tonight.

@Krynn

Mason silently cursed Toby as he shivered in the crisp morning weather. He had been sleeping peacefully until he had gotten a call claiming that he needed to head down to the lab as fast as humanly possible. Mason had reluctantly pulled himself out of bed and debated whether or not he had time to take a shower. Thankfully, he decided that he didn’t and had begun the twenty-minute walk down to the lab.

Once there, Mason knocked on the large metal door and rubbed his hands up and down his arms, hoping to gain some warmth. The door opened with a loud creak, and behind it stood Toby himself. His inky black hair had been meticulously slicked back by gel that shimmered in the fluorescent lighting, but a few stray strands brought attention directly to his excited eyes.

“Mason! Just in time! Come in, come in!” Toby greeted, the flaps of his coat swishing as he pulled Mason into the warm lab.

“What is it this time, Toby?” Mason asked as they started walking.

“Only the greatest discovery of all time!” Toby exclaimed, throwing open the wooden door to his office. Mason shook his head as he looked around. The room looked exactly like it had when he had visited it seven hours ago. The wooden desk still sat in the center of the room with two chairs sitting in front of it, the back of the room held the same metal filing cabinets, most of which had papers sticking up out of them, and to the left sat Toby’s bulletin board, which was covered in thousands of pictures of the ocean and several islands. “Have a seat, Mason.”

“Alright, what is it?” Mason asked as he sat down, crossed his arms, and waited for the man's excuse. Toby smiled before turning to his board and pointing at some particular photos.

“Do you see these?” he asked.

Mason rolled his eyes and adjusted his glasses. “Of course I see them. Get on with it, Toby.”

“I have reason to believe that there are new resources and materials in this particular area.” He started moving his hand around several shots of the ocean. Mason nodded as he continued. “And the closest place for us to set up a base is here,” he pointed to a new picture of an island with a grin. "They're called the Phoenix Islands!”

“Is that all?” Mason asked rubbing his face. Toby’s smile faded into an expression of disbelief.

“Is that all?! Really?! Aren't you interested that there might be new minerals down there?!” Mason didn’t say anything. “You know what,” Toby threw his hands up in exasperation and moved over to his desk, “maybe my research will convince you.” He pulled out a stack of papers and looked at them before offering them to Mason.

Mason shook his head. “I’m good, Toby. If you don’t mind, I think I’m going to head home and go back to bed.” He made a move to stand up but was stopped by a cry of frustration.

“You can’t leave yet! Not until I tell the rest of the group!”

Mason raised a brow. “The rest of the group?”

“Yes. I also called Gwen and Cody.”

“It’s early. I’m exhausted, and I’m sure you are as well. Can’t this wait until later?” Mason asked with a groan, standing up from his chair.

“No, it can’t wait!” A knock on the large metal door made both of them jump. “They’re here!” Toby exclaimed, rushing towards the door. Mason followed closely behind, praying that it was just a mistake, but unfortunately when Toby opened the door he saw that it wasn't a stray branch or wandering soul. Instead, it was their friends.

Gwen had, from the looks of it, apparently fallen asleep on Cody's shoulder. Her normally curly blonde hair was tangled, and she was wearing bunny slippers with black pajamas that were dotted with hearts. Cody used his right hand to make sure she didn’t fall. In his other, he gripped a cup of steaming coffee that he occasionally sipped. His chestnut brown hair stood up at odd angles, and, despite the caffeine, his chocolate brown eyes were glazed with sleep. His outfit consisted of a black T-shirt, gray sweatpants, and flip-flops.

“Hi. We got here as fast as we could.” Cody explained. He glanced at Gwen and nudged her with his elbow.

“How long have you been out here?” Mason asked.

“I just got here. Pretty sure she waited a good couple of minutes thinking she had knocked.” Cody nudged Gwen again, and she woke up.

“I’m up!” She yelped, looking around. As soon as she saw them, she gave them both hugs. “Toby! Mason! Good to see you two!” Cody pushed past her into the doorway. After finishing with greetings, they followed his suit.

When they reached Toby’s office, Gwen took a seat behind the desk and Cody sat on a chair in front of it. Mason plopped down in the seat he was in before and waited. Toby started to repeat what he had told Mason to Cody and Gwen. When he finished, he waited patiently for someone to say something.

Cody took a large gulp of his coffee. “You want to go to the Phoenix Islands to gather minerals?” he asked. Toby nodded. Cody sighed and took another swig.

“When do you plan on doing this?” Gwen questioned.

“Hopefully sometime next week,” Toby replied. As Toby and Gwen continued talking, Mason looked over to Cody, who was glaring at his cup. Mason scooted his chair closer.

“I’m assuming you’re as angry as I am…” Mason whispered quietly so neither Gwen nor Toby would hear him.

“It's one thirty in the morning,” Cody stared back at him, “and I didn’t fall asleep until midnight. So yeah, I’m a little mad.” Mason couldn’t help but chuckle. It was very rare that Cody got mad, but when he did it was hilarious. He looked close to murder, and anyone that said something that irritated him would get the stink eye.

“Aw, look. Cody has a friend!” Gwen cooed, clasping her hands together. Cody swung his head and scowled at her as she broke down into a laughing fit. Mason joined in, shaking his head as he chuckled.

“For your information,” Cody stated, “I have friends. They’re just always busy.” Gwen just snorted.

“Anyway,” Toby started, “I’m still waiting for an answer.”

“I didn’t hear your question,” Mason replied, turning in his seat.

“Will you guys accompany me on my trip to the Phoenix Islands?”

“Of course!” Gwen smiled. Cody nodded and Toby looked at Mason for an answer. Mason sighed.

“Someone has to look after you," he mumbled resignedly.

“Perfect! I’ll make the arrangements with the boss tomorrow morning!”

“It is tomorrow morning,” Cody grunted as he left the office. Mason snickered and followed. He was exhausted and ready to head to bed, but admittedly a little pleased that he got a laugh out of the experience.

Around eight that same morning, Mason received yet another call from Toby. “What is it now?” Mason asked, irritated.

“Well, I talked to the boss and she’s requested that everyone who’s going on the trip be present at the lab immediately,” Toby explained. Mason sighed and sat up straight.

“I’ll be there as fast as I can," he said before hanging up. He set his phone on the nightstand and dragged himself out of bed.

When he arrived at the lab for the second time that day, Gwen was already waiting at the door. This time she wore a maroon shirt, jeans, and some brown boots. “Hey, Gwen."

She turned to look at him as he knocked. “Hey, Mason! How are you?”

“Good. Actually got some sleep. You?”

“Great!” She paused. “So, how are things between you and Cody?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“You and Cody," Gwen repeated, smirking.

“What about us?”

“Are you a couple yet?” Mason felt his face heat up, and he snuck a couple of quick glances around. Thankfully, no one was nearby.

“Well?”

“It’s not like that,” he whispered, looking towards the ground. He could practically feel her rolling her eyes. He and Cody were just friends. Gwen didn’t know what she was talking about.

The loud creak of the door brought Mason out of his thoughts. They swiveled around to see Toby bounding towards them, one hand pushing through his hair. “Gwen! Mason! Glad you're here! Come in, come in!” The three of them clustered together and began going towards the lab. “As you know, I’ve informed the boss about the trip. She’s excited at the potential discovery of minerals, but is concerned about our safety.”

“She has a right to be,” Gwen responded. “Don't you remember the last time we went on a trip with you?”

“Kenya was great!” Toby defended. Last year, he had managed to convince them to go to Kenya with him to document animals, and the overall experience had left Mason with nightmares.

“I almost got eaten by a lion!” Gwen exclaimed.

“That’s water under the bridge. I assure you there are no lions on the Phoenix Islands.” Toby stated. Gwen rolled her eyes as Mason laughed.

When they reached the boss’s door, Mason gulped nervously. It had been a while since he’d visited Joy, and he didn’t know what was about to happen. Toby opened up the door and walked in, Gwen and Mason coming in right behind him. Joy was seated behind her desk in the center of the room. Her raven locks had been put up into a bun, and she wore a blue cardigan that covered her white T-shirt, khakis, and flats. Behind her desk sat several file cabinets, all of them closed without a single folder hanging out. In front of the desk were four chairs, one being taken by Cody. Mason sat next to him and ignored the smile Gwen sent him. Once the door was closed and everyone was seated, Joy spoke.

“I assume that Toby has informed you all of my concerns,” she said clearly. Gwen, Cody, and Mason nodded, while Toby just shrugged. “Then you're aware that I’m concerned of your safety. I don’t want another Kenya repeat.” She turned her attention towards, Toby who was suddenly far too interested in the floor.

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Finley,” Cody piped, “I’ll be on the trip. I’ll make sure everything goes well.”

Joy turned to face him, a single brow raised. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely," he replied, nodding.

“Alright, but do not hesitate to call me if something happens.”

“Understood.”

“You’re dismissed.” With that, Mason stood and went with the others out of the room. Once the door was shut, Gwen spoke.

“So… Cody, you’re the safety master now?”

“Yep.”

“Well, I guess we aren’t having any fun on this trip…” she trailed off. Cody huffed, making Mason chuckle.

“This trip isn’t about having fun!” Toby said as they headed towards his office. “We’re on the verge of a new discovery!”

“Toby, I know for a fact that the second we get there, Mason and I are going to be setting up the base while you and Gwen go exploring or something," Cody sighed.

“I would never!” Toby placed his hand over his heart as he feigned offence. Gwen rolled her eyes and giggled.

“Right,” Mason laughed.

“When are we leaving?” Cody asked. Toby turned to face him.

“Oh, I probably should’ve mentioned that earlier. We leave in three days.”

“Three days?” Mason exclaimed. Toby nodded.

“Yes, three days. Though I am going to require your assistance.”

“With?” Gwen asked.

“Packing our supplies, of course.” Mason sighed.

They spent the next two days helping Toby pack. Gwen had spent most of it taking things out of the bin and moving them back to where they were, which made Toby to go grab them again. Mason had spent his time crossing items off the list while Cody told him what was in the bin. Thankfully, they had finished last night, and Mason was now sitting in the airport waiting for everyone else. He checked his watch. It was six-thirty.

“Mason!” He turned his head at the mention of his name. Toby was walking over to him, four or five bags hanging from his arms. His hair hadn’t been gelled back yet, and he was wearing casual clothing for once in his life.

“Need a hand?” Mason asked, standing up.

“No, no, I’ve got it.” Toby set down the packs. He threw himself down and smiled widely.

“You’re late,” Mason pointed out.

“Flight leaves at seven, and it’s only six-thirty. Therefore, I’m not late.”

“Fair enough. Any idea where Gwen and Cody are?” Toby yawned and leaned back.

“The last time I checked, Gwen said that she was going to pick up Cody before arriving at the airport.”

~~~~
Let's take a look at some of the things I changed, yeah?

Quite a bit of your dialogue needed small edits because you didn't put a comma before the name or noun. For example, the sentence "Have a seat Mason." would actually be "Have a seat, Mason." You might want to be careful and watch for these types of situations.

I noticed that you have a slight tendency to restate objects or ideas that don't necessarily have to be there. You might've noticed that some sentences have been changed, even though they could've seemed fine before. These are most likely the things I'm talking about. An example would be:
“What is it this time Toby?” Mason asked as he walked towards Toby’s office.

“Only the greatest discovery of all time!” Toby exclaimed throwing open the wooden door to his office.
This isn't a major one, but you repeated that they were going to the office more than once. Another example:
The wooden desk still sat in the center of the room with two chairs sitting in front of it. Behind the desk sat several metal filing cabinets and most of the drawers had papers sticking up out of them. To the left of that sat Toby’s bulletin board which at the moment was covered in thousands of pictures of the ocean and several islands. “Have a seat Mason.”

Mason took a seat in a chair by the desk waiting for Toby’s excuse for why he was there at one in the morning. “Alright, what is it?” Mason asked crossing his arms. Toby smiled before turning to the bulletin board and pointing at several pictures.
You repeated that the seat was by the desk and the bulletin board, both of which could be simplified a bit. This is obviously pretty picky, but I hope it's alright with you anyway :)

Another thing I think you should look out for is the repetition of the word "before". In this whole blurb, you used it about 22 times in sentences such as "Toby smiled before repeating what he had told Mason to Cody and Gwen." I changed a few of them to give you a better idea of alternate ways to write these types of sentences.

I changed one or two pieces of dialogue because I didn't think they were needed to progress the story. It's these parts, if you're wondering:
“Do you see these?” He asked. Mason rolled his eyes before adjusting his glasses.

“Of course I see them. They’re three feet in front of me!”

“Just thought I’d ask…”

“Just get on with it, Toby.” Toby nodded before turning back to the pictures.

and

Unfortunately, when Toby opened the door it was neither the mailman nor a homeless man seeking shelter. Instead, it was Gwen and Cody.

Why would there be a mailman there that early in the morning? I didn't think either of these fit 100%, so I just mixed them up a bit.

A lot of your sentences needed commas in them. For example, "Mason laughed shaking his head as he followed." should be "Mason laughed, shaking his head as he followed." Also, I think it might be good for you to work on using names less. You could use descriptions or pronouns to try and give a bit of variation here and there.

That leads me into my next topic. I would really recommend working on adding more description into your work. You have one or two paragraphs that actually describe what people are wearing, but a lot of what's here is just dialogue or brief action sentences.

Another thing you might wanna look for is using "she/he/they started" when a character is speaking. In your original version, you used this phrase about seven times or so. That's alright, but sometimes you could think about changing the wording up.

There are a couple additional things, but that's the most of it. I hope this helped! Sorry it took a gazillion years!

Hey guys! I just uploaded a competition in general chat if any of y'all are interested! https://www.notebook.ai/forum/general-chat/short-story-writing-competition

Hey, LittleBear! I'll check it out!

@NikaNika

It all happened at three in the morning.
I was still awake as usual, writing short stories in my notebook. The lamp in my room was my only light source, but it was still too bright. I leant forward, and my hair fell around my writing like curtains. Much better.
Soon after I finished the page, I noticed a soft green light spilling over my words. I looked down and spotted its source. The charms on my necklace, an heirloom passed down to me by my grandpop, were glowing faintly. I sat up, not sure if I should be excited or nervous. My Familiar was coming.
The necklace hummed slightly and floated upwards into my face. The intensity of the light increased as the sound grew louder. Suddenly it stopped, and the charms hovered before me as the room fell quiet. The air was still, heavy, and buzzing with static. Then, out of nowhere, the charms burst into beams of light so bright I had to shut my eyes. All gravity seemed to have left the air around me. The green rays swirled together and started to take shape. It solidified before me, leaving my ears ringing and my head pounding. The soon-to-be creature gained mass and color. It landed on my floor barely five feet away, and everything, except for my life, returned to normal.
And there he was.

~~~~
The first thing I noticed is that your writing is descriptive, but can be kind of stiff at times. This part "Except for my life. Since there he was. My Familiar." seems especially so. I rewrote that part, but if you don't like it I can always give you more options. Oh, and the last sentence could either be "And there he was." or "There he was. My Familiar."

Another sentence I read caught my eye. It was "Soon after I finished the page, turning it as I noticed a faint green light spewing onto the notebook." The structuring of this doesn't really make sense. Once again, there's a suggestion up there that I think you might like.

I enjoyed it a lot! Is this going to be a witch story? I'd love to hear more about it.

I also have my own contest now! Anybody can join :)

Thank you so so much, I appreciate it!

Also what tips can you give to not writing so stiffly?

Hm, I'd say you should watch to make sure your sentences connect in ways that make them flow easily. Read them aloud if you're not sure how they should sound.
Ex: "Except for my life. Since there he was. My Familiar." You can see how the shortness makes it sound a little more halting, which makes it harder for the reader to enjoy. That being said, you wouldn't make something like this too long, either. I'd say just connect the ideas somehow and you'd be fine.
Also, you could try and word them so that they're a little natural. Make it not quite conversational, but not so
Ex: "I looked down and spotted its source; the charms on my necklace, an heirloom passed down to me by my Grandpop. " This sentence would be fine, but the wording is just a bit off, you know? If you read it out loud, you might know what I mean. Remember that your readers have a voice in their head that will probably pick up on some tricky wordings as they go. This is more picky, but it could help.

Okay Ill keep this in mind, thank you!

https://www.wattpad.com/story/130315864-of-turnstikes-boots-and-williamses

hey would you mind reading what I've got so far on this and giving some feedback on the plot/characters? I know the grammar/sentence structure is mildly fucked and there's too many paranthetical asides so I'm in the process of fixing it

@calellory
Sure! It may take about two days, though, because I currently don't have access to my computer that I use to edit/take notes.

ooh sweet ok!!

Hey, could you take a look at the first and second chapters of my story when you can? I know that I can be a bit overly descriptive, but this is the 1st rough draft for the story that I will be sharing. I like to write whatever idea comes to me down, so that I have it for the next rough draft, if that makes scence. Could you possibly do it how you did for LittleBear?

@calellory @Syguy20132
I can do both of your stuff still! Originally, I thought I could have it done by today, but school's kind of beating me up right now. I'll try to get it done on Friday and Saturday. Is that okay? My apologies!

@calellory @Syguy20132
I can do both of your stuff still! Originally, I thought I could have it done by today, but school's kind of beating me up right now. I'll try to get it done on Friday and Saturday. Is that okay? My apologies!

That's a-ok with me!

So, here it is!

Chapter 1: Burning Flames
It had been a month since Jason was released from Central Midtown Juvenile Center. His hair was now dark brown. His eyes had also become darker. They were now a slightly darker brown than they were before. Jason sat in his english class, looking through his notes for the part that he needed. The class was taking a test, and Jason was happy that he was allowed to use any notes that he had on any test or quiz.

*Thank God for IEPs.* Jason thought. He had been trying to remember the names of the survivors from Stephen King’s *Under the Dome*. He knew that *Dale “Barbie” Barbara* and *Julia Shumway* were two of the survivors, but he was having trouble naming the last two required for full credit on the question. He sat flipping through his notes.

“You’re cheating!” Someone spat out, but Jason didn’t pay them any attention. He finally found what he was looking for; a full list of the twenty seven survivors. You got extra credit if you could list all of them. Knowing this, Jason wrote the names down. He then had to write a paragraph of the differences between the book and its TV counterpart. Luckily, he had been avidly watching the show and had made mental notes of the differences. He still located the list of them in his notes.

“You’re cheating!” Someone said again.

*I swear, the next time I hear that, I’m going to explode.* Jason thought. He flipped through his notes until he had found the section that compared *Jim “Big Jim” Rennie* to Hitler, for he came to a part on the test that wanted him to give the similarities between these two men. He was scanning the similarities when he again heard somebody accuse him of cheating on the test. He stood up quickly, his papers went flying through the air along with his pencil and binder. He had flipped the desk and his chair. The desk had scorch marks on it, and Jason’s chair was melted. All eyes were now on him, including the teacher’s.

“I’ve had it up to here with people saying *‘you’re cheating’!* First off, I am *not cheating!* My IEP states that I can use *any* and *all* notes that I have on *any* and *all* tests, quizzes, *or* exams! Secondly, who the hell are *you* to accuse *me* of *cheating* when you yourself are looking over at someone else’s test?” Everyone was staring at him in shock. He had become known as ‘Jason the Silent’, for he wouldn’t speak at all unless he had something to say, or if he were talking to his friends.

*“Mister Flayme!* Pick up your things, hand in your test, and meet me in the hall. The rest of you, not a word. Resume your tests, and don’t trade answers. I will be standing by the door. If I hear anyone talking or trading answers, they’ll automatically fail the test!” Mister Stockton said. He was strict, but fair, and this made him the best teacher in employment at East Midtown High. He had a thick head of brown hair, brown eyes, and a stern face. The girls of the school all had a crush on him. He happened to be one of Jason’s favorite teachers. He walked out into the hall, and held the door open for Jason. He let it close once Jason was in the hall.

“Jason, what was that about?” Mister Stockton asked. Jason stood facing his teacher.

“I heard someone say that I was cheating three different times, Mister Stockton.” Jason said.

“Why did you react the way that you did?”

“I got angry. In every class that I have a test, quiz, or exam, somebody always accuses me of cheating, and I’m sick and tired of it! Some of my other teachers have even tried to write me up for it, but they would fail when I would remind them of my IEP. If they wouldn’t listen to me, I’d go to my caseload worker, and they’d go have a meeting with said teacher.” Mister Stockton stood and let Jason rant. He knew that it would be good for him to let out most, if not all of what he had problems with.

“Jason, I’m not going to write you up. While you were right in telling them off, you should’ve went about it in another much calmer way.”

“Then what is my punishment, Mister Stockton?” Mister Stockton stood and thought for a while.

“I’m going to talk to the custodian responsible for cleaning this part of the building. You are to come to school an hour early tomorrow morning, and you will personally clean my room.” Mister Stockton opened the door. “Now *army crawl* to the office, Mister Flayme!” He winked at Jason after saying that, and walked into his classroom. This was Jason’s cue for him to go to the place that he’d be able to calm down at. While Jason was walking he could hear Mister Stockton biting into the rest of the class. He smirked at this, for they would get a punishment far worse than his own. Jason walked down the hall, and entered the so called ‘abandoned’ part of the building. It was actually a separate building from the one that he had exited. He sat down, and tried to calm himself. He sits there until the time that the bell would ring.

He got up, and went to his locker. People were standing at a distance from him. He grabbed his gym bag, and went to the class that he didn’t like the most. He changed into a black t-shirt, black shorts, and put on black tennis shoes. He walked out into the large gymnasium, and tried to ignore the looks of contempt that he was getting. News spread like wildfire in that school, and word had gone out about his outburst in Mister Stockton’s class. People were whispering about him, but he could hear them. He was so glad that this was the class that he had to go to before one of his favorites, which was art.

“There’s Jason the Silent. Did you hear about what he did in Mister Sexy’s class?” A girl asked her friend.

“Yeah, he flipped out! I heard that he threw a chair at Katie Smyth.” Her friend said.

“I heard that he had tried to punch Mister Stockton.” A boy said. Jason found this amusing, for he sickly enjoyed that people feared him. Those that were friends with him knew that he would do no such thing. He stood in his place for attendance. Misses Hert walked out of her office. She had dark hair that fell to the small of her back. She was of a medium height, and was healthy for her age. She walked along the floor holding her clipboard, and would occasionally pause to ask someone where their gym clothes were. She went to the sports room, and came back out with a basket of jerseys and a ball.

“Today we are going to play full-court basketball, but first, your daily exercises.” She said. The class took to the walls, and did their stretches. One of Jason’s friends, Brandon Singer, took lead of the stretches that day. Brandon, like Jason, wore dark clothing. His dark brown hair looked black under the fluorescent lighting, and he was tall for his age.

“Left!” Brandon’s deep voice bellowed. Everyone started to swing their left leg as Bryan counted to twenty.

“Caterpillar, pushups, and situps.” Everyone took to the floor and stood bent over to touch the floor. Jason had recommended that they do their push ups while doing the caterpillar at the same time. They would do a pushup before going back to their bent over position.

“Alright, five minutes of running!” Misses Hert bellowed out. There was a collective groan from the students, yet they hobbled along into a jog. Misses Hert decided to join them during the five minutes of running. “Cry babies!” She yelled. Jason was running next to one of his friends, Addrea Toney, who he was attempting to touch. They both detested their gym class, and had come up with a way to make it somewhat enjoyable for them. They would play tag during the running time. Addrea had brown hair, and was shorter than Jason. She wore a white t-shirt and blue shorts. They decided to give themselves a rest from their running game, and slowed to a walk. Misses Hert passed them three times during their walk.

“Flayme, Toney, kick it in gear!” Misses Hert yelled. Addrea started to protest, but Misses Hert wouldn’t hear it.

“We might as well jog, so that she don’t yell at us again.” Jason suggested. Addrea thought this over, and accepted. They both went into a light jog. Other people passed them, but Brandon decided to join them.

“How ya guys doing?” He asked.

“Alright, I guess.” Addrea responded.

“We’d be better off if Misses Nag would lay off of us.” Jason said. This had become a name for Misses Hert when she either wasn’t paying attention to them or nowhere around them. Misses Hert blew her whistle, and then everyone lined up against a wall. There were thirty students in that hour, so Misses Hert decided to evenly split them for sports games. Jason hated playing basketball and anything that wasn’t dodgeball or poison ball. He was great at those games, for he would trust his instincts and quickly move out of the balls’ way. He usually wound up being one of the last few still in the game if they were playing dodgeball.

“Sammy Wintergreen and Mary Mackay are the team leaders.” Misses Hert said. A boy and a girl walked out onto the gym floor in front of the rest of their classmates. The boy, Sammy, was muscular and one of the jocks. His blue eyes shined brightly against his tanned skin. Mary had hair that she had dyed dark red. She was a foot shorter than Jason was, whom stands at a height of six feet, seven inches.

“Misses Hert.” Sammy called out.

“Jessie McMair.” Mary said. Jessie had shoulder length dark curly hair that tended to hang in her eyes.

“Jack.” This was the very same Jack that had been friends with Jason back in elementary. His hair is shorter than it was in the past, and he had started to wear fashionable clothing. In fact, he would help set the latest trends. He was on all the sports teams, and was lusted after by not only the girls, but some of the guys as well. He was one of the ‘popular kids’.

“Jane.” Jane, Jack’s twin, was the object of many a guy’s dreams, but was furiously watched over by her brother. As a result, the guys were scared to ask her out. Jack had his own, unspoken list of those that he’d let date her, and if they were to do anything to hurt her, there’d be hell to pay. Jack had become a bully to Jason. He’d call Jason a loser, fire starter, psycho, pyro, jailbait, and a slew of other things. Jack would also tell Jason that he’d never be good at anything, that he was stupid, and that he’d never have a girlfriend. All of these deeply angered Jason, but not as much as how gym class ever would.

“Katie.” Sammy called. Katie had long blonde hair, and beautiful brown eyes. She was one of the ‘in between kids’. The in between kids were those that had just enough friends to be between the losers and the populars. This was where Jason and most of his friends fit at on the social food chain of school life.

“Jessie Newkirk.” Mary said. A girl wearing jeans and a laced top over a blue shirt walked over. There were just four more people to choose from. Jason, Addrea, Brandon, and Alex McMair. Alex was a part of the so called ‘geek squad’ of the school. He had a kind soul, and loved anything that was otherworldly. Science fiction and fantasy were his expertise. He could often be found reading about supernatural beings, or even drawing them. His light hair fell over his eyes, and he wore an orange shirt with blue shorts and neon green shoes.

“Brandon.” Mary called after thinking it over for a while.

“Alex.” Sammy said. This left Jason and Addrea as the last two to be picked from. Unless they were the team leader, they’d usually end up being the last ones chosen for a team.

“Here we go again, Addie.” Jason said.

“Yeah. Remember, just care about your grades, nothing else.” Addrea told him. Jason nodded. They had preferred being on the same team, and would act like one during dodgeball, poison ball, or when they were in the weight room.

“Addrea.” Mary said after struggling with trying to decide. She wanted to go with what she knew, for she was one of the more competitive students in that class. While she knew that Jason was tall, and would be great for passing the ball, she also knew that Addrea would be able to weave through the other players unnoticed. This would allow Addrea to get to the hoop and score baskets. Jason knew immediately which team that he was on; Sammy’s.

The game began, and Jason had tried to get the ball in his possession several times. The other players on his team ignored him, even when he was completely open for a pass and basket. There were some on his team that would try to get him more involved in the game, but other players would get in the way.

“Jason, get your butt movin’! Play the game!” Misses Hert would occasionally blurt out.

“I am!” Jason would blurt back. This always happened when Misses Hert had them play a sports game. Jason started to get angry, and as the game progressed, he got even more angry. Misses Hert had repeated her ‘play the game’ mantra three times by then. Jason’s anger rose, and the basket ball burst.

“What the hell?” Jack said.

“What did you just say?” Misses Hert asked him as she went to grab a replacement ball.

“Nothing!” Jack said.

“Good, watch the language!” Misses Hert said as the game resumed.

After ten minutes of the usual, Jason gave up on trying to get the ball, and went to sit against one of the walls.

“Jason, what are you doing? Get out here and play the game!” Misses Hert said. Jason refused, and just stayed sitting where he was. He had placed himself next to one of the doors that led outside. The air coming through felt good against his hot skin.

“Jason, get out here and play the game!” Misses Hert repeated. This, along with other things, made Jason’s temper rise. He was angry with those that wouldn’t let him play the games. He was angry that Misses Hert wouldn’t listen to him. He was angry that despite the fact that he was passing the class, Misses Hert acted like he was failing. Some of the overhead fluorescent lights flickered, but nobody payed that any attention, for they would occasionally do that. As Jason’s anger rose, the replacement ball burst open.

Addrea, Brandon, Mary, and Jessie N. came over to sit or stand next to the flow of cool air that blew through the crack between the doors. There was a small waste basket in the gymnasium for people to spit their gum out. There were also some power outlets in the gymnasium for other appliances, such as a projector. The school would rarely watch movies in the gym. The waste bucket sat next to one, and was currently on its side, its mouth opening to the power outlet.

Nobody but Jason had seen what happened. A spark flew out of the power outlet and into the wastebasket. A thin wisp of smoke slowly wafted up from the basket. Jason, remembering the horrific scenes of the fires that he had created, leapt up, and went outside. He didn’t warn anyone of the impending peril. The sprinklers in the building were still being repaired, for parts of the newer building were still being built.

“Jason Flayme, you get back in here this instant, young man!” Misses Hert yelled after him. It was something that his mother would yell when he’d leave the house before he was kicked out. Nobody inside was paying attention, for their game had again continued. Soon, Jason could hear people inside the gym yelling. He watched as Addrea, Mary, Brandon, and Jessie N. came rushing outside. Smoke followed behind them. People were yelling, some, it sounded like, in pain. A few more people managed to get outside before the flames blocked the exit. The school’s fire alarm eventually went off, and people, students and staff alike, came flooding out of the other areas of the school.

Flames shot out some of the windows in the gymnasium. People scurried to get further away when the first explosion happened. It was followed by two more explosions. Some of the onlookers were caught in the aftermath of these explosions. As the heat from the blaze rose, people moved back, for the heat was too much for them to bare. Flames soon engulfed the gymnasium portion of the school. Fire trucks, ambulances, and police cars could be heard in the distance.

As the first of the fire trucks arrived, firefighters went hard to work to fight the inferno. A total of five fire trucks came out, followed by three police cars, and two ambulances. They weren’t sure how many paramedics would be needed. The firefighters could do nothing but keep the blaze in check. Onlookers gawked in horror as the school burned. Parts of the roof collapsed, and the flames reached higher into the sky.

Jason noticed that there were people missing from the crowd, and knew that they were either trapped in the raging inferno, or already dead. Despite the torment that he had endured at the hands of others, he was hoping against hope that everyone would somehow come out alive. He was hoping that all of those that he had called his friend at some point in his life had made it out to the safety of the warm, late spring afternoon day. Jason watched, just like everyone else, in horror as the building was eaten up by the burning flames.

Chapter 2: Framed
Flames shot outward from the now caved-in roof and broken windows. The fire spread to other parts of the school, making it even more difficult for the firefighters to gain control over the blaze. The fire burned hot. Students, teachers, and firefighters alike watched as the flames eat the building.

        *How did this happen?* Jason thought. He knew that his powers hadn't been the cause of this particular fire. This only left the youth confused. Jason was relieved when he saw Addrea and Katie walking over to him.

        “This is horrible and awesome at the same time!” Addrea exclaimed. “I heard the principal talking about how it’d be best to send us home.”

“She’s right though. I mean we can’t just continue on with the rest of the school day as usual now can we.” Katie said.

“Besides that, there could possibly be people trapped in the rubble.” Jason said somberly. The three fell quiet for a while.

“Hey *Matches!*” Someone yelled out through the crowd.

“Oh no, not this jackass.” Jason said, a look of dread coming over his face. As if on cue Jack emerged limping his way through the crowd of people. His clothes were now disheveled and he was covered in soot.

“Thought that you’d get out of gym by starting a fire, didn’t you, Firestarter!” Jack said in a snobbish manner. Jack was limping on his right leg. “How many fires does this make it now; 12? 15? You’re lucky that they haven’t locked you up and thrown away the key yet, Flame-boy.” Jack said, adding emphasis on ‘lame’.

“I didn’t start this fire, *Jackson.*”

“Pfft, yeah right! I bet that you did it just so that you wouldn’t have to have gym class ever again!” Jack taunted.

Jason could feel himself getting angrier and angrier by the moment. He could feel the heat rising inside him along with his anger. Jason, without realizing what he was doing, moved forward, and went to strike at Jack.

“Heh, piccola scintilla thinks that he’d be able to beat me in a fight. You know what, bring it; this has been coming for a long time now, Jason.” Before Jason could hit Jack Addrea put herself in front of Jason, barring his way.

“Knock it off Jack!” Addrea said. “Jason isn’t responsible for this fire; he couldn’t be. I was standing right next to him when the fire started, Jack. There’s no way that he could’ve started that!” She concluded by pointing at the now dying inferno.

“Shouldn’t you be looking for your sister, anyway Jack?” Katie asked. This caused Jack to get wide-eyed. He started to breath a bit faster. He started to weave his way through people in a frantic search for Jane.
________________
A few weeks had passed since the fire had happened. Police chief Clark Keen was busy writing up reports, and making a list of those that had been killed in the fire. He let out a sigh as he was going through the list of those that had been horribly injured enough to require being sent to the hospital. Amongst those on this particular list was his own daughter, Jane.

“Excuse me Chief Keen?” Came an unexpected voice. Clark turned to see who it was. Kelly Bradshaw stood holding a file. Her long auburn hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and her green eyes were shining.

“What is it Bradshaw?”

“Your son is here.”

“Send him in.” Clark says. Kelly saunters away only to be replaced by Jack several moments later.

“Hey dad.” Jack says.

“What ya want Jackson? You know that I’m busy with trying to sort things out from the fire.” Clark says and sneaks a swig from his flask.

“I know that dad, but I think that I have some information that you need.” Jack states, and plops himself down into a chair. Clark turns to look at his son.

“And what would that be?”

“That the fire was started intentionally.” Jack states.

“There was only one sign of arson, Jackson, so that bit of info is useless to me.” Clark tells his son, and turns back to what he was doing. He takes another drink from his flask, and lets a sigh while running a hand over his head. “Your poor sister. She’s burnt pretty badly. Doc says that she’ll be stuck in a coma until she’s fully healed.”

Jack stands up, walks over to his dad, and places a hand on his shoulder. “I’m worried about her to dad.” Jack states. “I also have a feeling that I know who started the fire, and did this to her.” Clark looks up at Jack at this, a look of slight hope hanging in his eyes.

“Who did it, Jackson? Who hurt my baby girl?”

“Jason Flayme.” Jack responds.

“His name has been popping up quite a bit lately. With how many fires he’s been accused of starting I’m surprised that the system is letting him out on bail.” Clark states, and takes yet another drink from his flask. “However all the evidence against him is purely circumstantial, and doesn't really hold up in court. Gotta wonder how he wound up in the juvenile system then. Oh well, everyone deserves another chance.” Clark admits. Jack takes the flask from his dad, and puts it back where his dad can’t get to it.

A knock at the door has both of the Keens turn to see who had knocked.

“Sorry Chief, but it’s urgent.”

“Then out with it, Bradshaw!” Clark snaps. Kelly glances over to Jack.

“Um, I’m not sure if he should be in here for this, sir.” Kelly says. “It’s about the fire.”

“What now?” Clark asks. Kelly stands silent, searching for the right words to say.

“Something’s been found, sir. Something that I think is crucial to the case.”

“And that would be?” Clark asks, and then realizes that Jack is still in the room with them. “Jackson, why don’t you go back to the hospital, and spend some time with your sister.” Clark suggests instead of asking. Jack walks out of the room, and leaves Kelly alone with his father.

“It should’ve been emailed to you by now, Chief.” Kelly states. Clark opens up his email account, and sure enough there is a new email entitled ‘New Evidence’. He clicks on it to open it. The email links to the profile of a student from Midtown High.
________________
The next morning Jason is woken up by loud knocking on his door. He has been staying at the Midtown Homeless Shelter where he has surprisingly been getting the help that he needs to survive.

“Just a moment!” He belows. Jason climbs out of bed, quickly pulls some sweatpants on, and opens his door. At the door stands the woman responsible for running the homeless shelter, Josephine Monroe.

She had long dark gray hair that she had pulled up into a bun, deep electric blue eyes, and wore a dark green blouse with high-rise flat-tops.

“I’m so sorry Jason, but they left me with no choice. I tried to stick up for you!”

“What are you talking about Miss Josie?”

“I’m sorry Jason.” Josephine repeats.

“Jason Flayme, I’m gonna need you to come with me down to the CMJC for some questions.” Johnny said. Realization hits Jason like a ton of weights. “Just remember that if you resist in any way that we’ll have to restrain you.” Johnny reminds Jason, as if he didn’t know what was about to happen. Jason becomes nervous, but reluctantly puts both of his hands behind his back, and turns around, knowing that they’d eventually restrain him at some point, for they have done it many times before. “Go ahead and cuff me.” Jason says. “I know that you’re going to at some point. You guys should just do it automatically by now when it comes to me.”

“….Right.” Johnny admits, and another officer comes over with some cuffs to put onto Jason. “Careful, you don’t want to touch his skin. Burns like no other!” Johnny warns. Jason is dragged out, and tossed into the back of a police cruiser.

“Jason Flayme, you are to be held for questioning on information in regards to the Midtown High School fire. Anything that you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law.” The other officer says.

That’s right, come out and enjoy the show. Jason thought as he noticed that a crowd had gathered to see what was going on. “That’s only if I’m under arrest, dumbass!” He glares at Johnny as he enters the car. “What did they find, Johnny?”

“I’m really not supposed to tell you Jason, but since you always treated me with your own brand of respect, I guess I can break that rule and let you know.” Johnny says as he turns in his seat to face Jason. “A post posted onto the school’s social media networking page was traced back to the computer that you use in school.”

“What did the post say?” Jason asks.

“As if you don’t know. You were the one that posted it!”

“Humor me.” Johnny lets out a sigh, and pulls something up on his tablet.

“Here’s what it says: ‘I intend to burn the school down.’” Johnny says. Jason sits still and quiet for a long time as they transport him back to the Central Midtown Juvenile Center.

“I was framed.” Jason says. “Framed!”

So, here it is!

Chapter 1: Burning Flames
It had been a month since Jason was released from Central Midtown Juvenile Center. His hair was now dark brown. His eyes had also become darker. They were now a slightly darker brown than they were before. Jason sat in his english class, looking through his notes for the part that he needed. The class was taking a test, and Jason was happy that he was allowed to use any notes that he had on any test or quiz.

*Thank God for IEPs.* Jason thought. He had been trying to remember the names of the survivors from Stephen King’s *Under the Dome*. He knew that *Dale “Barbie” Barbara* and *Julia Shumway* were two of the survivors, but he was having trouble naming the last two required for full credit on the question. He sat flipping through his notes.

“You’re cheating!” Someone spat out, but Jason didn’t pay them any attention. He finally found what he was looking for; a full list of the twenty seven survivors. You got extra credit if you could list all of them. Knowing this, Jason wrote the names down. He then had to write a paragraph of the differences between the book and its TV counterpart. Luckily, he had been avidly watching the show and had made mental notes of the differences. He still located the list of them in his notes.

“You’re cheating!” Someone said again.

*I swear, the next time I hear that, I’m going to explode.* Jason thought. He flipped through his notes until he had found the section that compared *Jim “Big Jim” Rennie* to Hitler, for he came to a part on the test that wanted him to give the similarities between these two men. He was scanning the similarities when he again heard somebody accuse him of cheating on the test. He stood up quickly, his papers went flying through the air along with his pencil and binder. He had flipped the desk and his chair. The desk had scorch marks on it, and Jason’s chair was melted. All eyes were now on him, including the teacher’s.

“I’ve had it up to here with people saying *‘you’re cheating’!* First off, I am *not cheating!* My IEP states that I can use *any* and *all* notes that I have on *any* and *all* tests, quizzes, *or* exams! Secondly, who the hell are *you* to accuse *me* of *cheating* when you yourself are looking over at someone else’s test?” Everyone was staring at him in shock. He had become known as ‘Jason the Silent’, for he wouldn’t speak at all unless he had something to say, or if he were talking to his friends.

*“Mister Flayme!* Pick up your things, hand in your test, and meet me in the hall. The rest of you, not a word. Resume your tests, and don’t trade answers. I will be standing by the door. If I hear anyone talking or trading answers, they’ll automatically fail the test!” Mister Stockton said. He was strict, but fair, and this made him the best teacher in employment at East Midtown High. He had a thick head of brown hair, brown eyes, and a stern face. The girls of the school all had a crush on him. He happened to be one of Jason’s favorite teachers. He walked out into the hall, and held the door open for Jason. He let it close once Jason was in the hall.

“Jason, what was that about?” Mister Stockton asked. Jason stood facing his teacher.

“I heard someone say that I was cheating three different times, Mister Stockton.” Jason said.

“Why did you react the way that you did?”

“I got angry. In every class that I have a test, quiz, or exam, somebody always accuses me of cheating, and I’m sick and tired of it! Some of my other teachers have even tried to write me up for it, but they would fail when I would remind them of my IEP. If they wouldn’t listen to me, I’d go to my caseload worker, and they’d go have a meeting with said teacher.” Mister Stockton stood and let Jason rant. He knew that it would be good for him to let out most, if not all of what he had problems with.

“Jason, I’m not going to write you up. While you were right in telling them off, you should’ve went about it in another much calmer way.”

“Then what is my punishment, Mister Stockton?” Mister Stockton stood and thought for a while.

“I’m going to talk to the custodian responsible for cleaning this part of the building. You are to come to school an hour early tomorrow morning, and you will personally clean my room.” Mister Stockton opened the door. “Now *army crawl* to the office, Mister Flayme!” He winked at Jason after saying that, and walked into his classroom. This was Jason’s cue for him to go to the place that he’d be able to calm down at. While Jason was walking he could hear Mister Stockton biting into the rest of the class. He smirked at this, for they would get a punishment far worse than his own. Jason walked down the hall, and entered the so called ‘abandoned’ part of the building. It was actually a separate building from the one that he had exited. He sat down, and tried to calm himself. He sits there until the time that the bell would ring.

He got up, and went to his locker. People were standing at a distance from him. He grabbed his gym bag, and went to the class that he didn’t like the most. He changed into a black t-shirt, black shorts, and put on black tennis shoes. He walked out into the large gymnasium, and tried to ignore the looks of contempt that he was getting. News spread like wildfire in that school, and word had gone out about his outburst in Mister Stockton’s class. People were whispering about him, but he could hear them. He was so glad that this was the class that he had to go to before one of his favorites, which was art.

“There’s Jason the Silent. Did you hear about what he did in Mister Sexy’s class?” A girl asked her friend.

“Yeah, he flipped out! I heard that he threw a chair at Katie Smyth.” Her friend said.

“I heard that he had tried to punch Mister Stockton.” A boy said. Jason found this amusing, for he sickly enjoyed that people feared him. Those that were friends with him knew that he would do no such thing. He stood in his place for attendance. Misses Hert walked out of her office. She had dark hair that fell to the small of her back. She was of a medium height, and was healthy for her age. She walked along the floor holding her clipboard, and would occasionally pause to ask someone where their gym clothes were. She went to the sports room, and came back out with a basket of jerseys and a ball.

“Today we are going to play full-court basketball, but first, your daily exercises.” She said. The class took to the walls, and did their stretches. One of Jason’s friends, Brandon Singer, took lead of the stretches that day. Brandon, like Jason, wore dark clothing. His dark brown hair looked black under the fluorescent lighting, and he was tall for his age.

“Left!” Brandon’s deep voice bellowed. Everyone started to swing their left leg as Bryan counted to twenty.

“Caterpillar, pushups, and situps.” Everyone took to the floor and stood bent over to touch the floor. Jason had recommended that they do their push ups while doing the caterpillar at the same time. They would do a pushup before going back to their bent over position.

“Alright, five minutes of running!” Misses Hert bellowed out. There was a collective groan from the students, yet they hobbled along into a jog. Misses Hert decided to join them during the five minutes of running. “Cry babies!” She yelled. Jason was running next to one of his friends, Addrea Toney, who he was attempting to touch. They both detested their gym class, and had come up with a way to make it somewhat enjoyable for them. They would play tag during the running time. Addrea had brown hair, and was shorter than Jason. She wore a white t-shirt and blue shorts. They decided to give themselves a rest from their running game, and slowed to a walk. Misses Hert passed them three times during their walk.

“Flayme, Toney, kick it in gear!” Misses Hert yelled. Addrea started to protest, but Misses Hert wouldn’t hear it.

“We might as well jog, so that she don’t yell at us again.” Jason suggested. Addrea thought this over, and accepted. They both went into a light jog. Other people passed them, but Brandon decided to join them.

“How ya guys doing?” He asked.

“Alright, I guess.” Addrea responded.

“We’d be better off if Misses Nag would lay off of us.” Jason said. This had become a name for Misses Hert when she either wasn’t paying attention to them or nowhere around them. Misses Hert blew her whistle, and then everyone lined up against a wall. There were thirty students in that hour, so Misses Hert decided to evenly split them for sports games. Jason hated playing basketball and anything that wasn’t dodgeball or poison ball. He was great at those games, for he would trust his instincts and quickly move out of the balls’ way. He usually wound up being one of the last few still in the game if they were playing dodgeball.

“Sammy Wintergreen and Mary Mackay are the team leaders.” Misses Hert said. A boy and a girl walked out onto the gym floor in front of the rest of their classmates. The boy, Sammy, was muscular and one of the jocks. His blue eyes shined brightly against his tanned skin. Mary had hair that she had dyed dark red. She was a foot shorter than Jason was, whom stands at a height of six feet, seven inches.

“Misses Hert.” Sammy called out.

“Jessie McMair.” Mary said. Jessie had shoulder length dark curly hair that tended to hang in her eyes.

“Jack.” This was the very same Jack that had been friends with Jason back in elementary. His hair is shorter than it was in the past, and he had started to wear fashionable clothing. In fact, he would help set the latest trends. He was on all the sports teams, and was lusted after by not only the girls, but some of the guys as well. He was one of the ‘popular kids’.

“Jane.” Jane, Jack’s twin, was the object of many a guy’s dreams, but was furiously watched over by her brother. As a result, the guys were scared to ask her out. Jack had his own, unspoken list of those that he’d let date her, and if they were to do anything to hurt her, there’d be hell to pay. Jack had become a bully to Jason. He’d call Jason a loser, fire starter, psycho, pyro, jailbait, and a slew of other things. Jack would also tell Jason that he’d never be good at anything, that he was stupid, and that he’d never have a girlfriend. All of these deeply angered Jason, but not as much as how gym class ever would.

“Katie.” Sammy called. Katie had long blonde hair, and beautiful brown eyes. She was one of the ‘in between kids’. The in between kids were those that had just enough friends to be between the losers and the populars. This was where Jason and most of his friends fit at on the social food chain of school life.

“Jessie Newkirk.” Mary said. A girl wearing jeans and a laced top over a blue shirt walked over. There were just four more people to choose from. Jason, Addrea, Brandon, and Alex McMair. Alex was a part of the so called ‘geek squad’ of the school. He had a kind soul, and loved anything that was otherworldly. Science fiction and fantasy were his expertise. He could often be found reading about supernatural beings, or even drawing them. His light hair fell over his eyes, and he wore an orange shirt with blue shorts and neon green shoes.

“Brandon.” Mary called after thinking it over for a while.

“Alex.” Sammy said. This left Jason and Addrea as the last two to be picked from. Unless they were the team leader, they’d usually end up being the last ones chosen for a team.

“Here we go again, Addie.” Jason said.

“Yeah. Remember, just care about your grades, nothing else.” Addrea told him. Jason nodded. They had preferred being on the same team, and would act like one during dodgeball, poison ball, or when they were in the weight room.

“Addrea.” Mary said after struggling with trying to decide. She wanted to go with what she knew, for she was one of the more competitive students in that class. While she knew that Jason was tall, and would be great for passing the ball, she also knew that Addrea would be able to weave through the other players unnoticed. This would allow Addrea to get to the hoop and score baskets. Jason knew immediately which team that he was on; Sammy’s.

The game began, and Jason had tried to get the ball in his possession several times. The other players on his team ignored him, even when he was completely open for a pass and basket. There were some on his team that would try to get him more involved in the game, but other players would get in the way.

“Jason, get your butt movin’! Play the game!” Misses Hert would occasionally blurt out.

“I am!” Jason would blurt back. This always happened when Misses Hert had them play a sports game. Jason started to get angry, and as the game progressed, he got even more angry. Misses Hert had repeated her ‘play the game’ mantra three times by then. Jason’s anger rose, and the basket ball burst.

“What the hell?” Jack said.

“What did you just say?” Misses Hert asked him as she went to grab a replacement ball.

“Nothing!” Jack said.

“Good, watch the language!” Misses Hert said as the game resumed.

After ten minutes of the usual, Jason gave up on trying to get the ball, and went to sit against one of the walls.

“Jason, what are you doing? Get out here and play the game!” Misses Hert said. Jason refused, and just stayed sitting where he was. He had placed himself next to one of the doors that led outside. The air coming through felt good against his hot skin.

“Jason, get out here and play the game!” Misses Hert repeated. This, along with other things, made Jason’s temper rise. He was angry with those that wouldn’t let him play the games. He was angry that Misses Hert wouldn’t listen to him. He was angry that despite the fact that he was passing the class, Misses Hert acted like he was failing. Some of the overhead fluorescent lights flickered, but nobody payed that any attention, for they would occasionally do that. As Jason’s anger rose, the replacement ball burst open.

Addrea, Brandon, Mary, and Jessie N. came over to sit or stand next to the flow of cool air that blew through the crack between the doors. There was a small waste basket in the gymnasium for people to spit their gum out. There were also some power outlets in the gymnasium for other appliances, such as a projector. The school would rarely watch movies in the gym. The waste bucket sat next to one, and was currently on its side, its mouth opening to the power outlet.

Nobody but Jason had seen what happened. A spark flew out of the power outlet and into the wastebasket. A thin wisp of smoke slowly wafted up from the basket. Jason, remembering the horrific scenes of the fires that he had created, leapt up, and went outside. He didn’t warn anyone of the impending peril. The sprinklers in the building were still being repaired, for parts of the newer building were still being built.

“Jason Flayme, you get back in here this instant, young man!” Misses Hert yelled after him. It was something that his mother would yell when he’d leave the house before he was kicked out. Nobody inside was paying attention, for their game had again continued. Soon, Jason could hear people inside the gym yelling. He watched as Addrea, Mary, Brandon, and Jessie N. came rushing outside. Smoke followed behind them. People were yelling, some, it sounded like, in pain. A few more people managed to get outside before the flames blocked the exit. The school’s fire alarm eventually went off, and people, students and staff alike, came flooding out of the other areas of the school.

Flames shot out some of the windows in the gymnasium. People scurried to get further away when the first explosion happened. It was followed by two more explosions. Some of the onlookers were caught in the aftermath of these explosions. As the heat from the blaze rose, people moved back, for the heat was too much for them to bare. Flames soon engulfed the gymnasium portion of the school. Fire trucks, ambulances, and police cars could be heard in the distance.

As the first of the fire trucks arrived, firefighters went hard to work to fight the inferno. A total of five fire trucks came out, followed by three police cars, and two ambulances. They weren’t sure how many paramedics would be needed. The firefighters could do nothing but keep the blaze in check. Onlookers gawked in horror as the school burned. Parts of the roof collapsed, and the flames reached higher into the sky.

Jason noticed that there were people missing from the crowd, and knew that they were either trapped in the raging inferno, or already dead. Despite the torment that he had endured at the hands of others, he was hoping against hope that everyone would somehow come out alive. He was hoping that all of those that he had called his friend at some point in his life had made it out to the safety of the warm, late spring afternoon day. Jason watched, just like everyone else, in horror as the building was eaten up by the burning flames.

Chapter 2: Framed
Flames shot outward from the now caved-in roof and broken windows. The fire spread to other parts of the school, making it even more difficult for the firefighters to gain control over the blaze. The fire burned hot. Students, teachers, and firefighters alike watched as the flames eat the building.

        *How did this happen?* Jason thought. He knew that his powers hadn't been the cause of this particular fire. This only left the youth confused. Jason was relieved when he saw Addrea and Katie walking over to him.

        “This is horrible and awesome at the same time!” Addrea exclaimed. “I heard the principal talking about how it’d be best to send us home.”

“She’s right though. I mean we can’t just continue on with the rest of the school day as usual now can we.” Katie said.

“Besides that, there could possibly be people trapped in the rubble.” Jason said somberly. The three fell quiet for a while.

“Hey *Matches!*” Someone yelled out through the crowd.

“Oh no, not this jackass.” Jason said, a look of dread coming over his face. As if on cue Jack emerged limping his way through the crowd of people. His clothes were now disheveled and he was covered in soot.

“Thought that you’d get out of gym by starting a fire, didn’t you, Firestarter!” Jack said in a snobbish manner. Jack was limping on his right leg. “How many fires does this make it now; 12? 15? You’re lucky that they haven’t locked you up and thrown away the key yet, Flame-boy.” Jack said, adding emphasis on ‘lame’.

“I didn’t start this fire, *Jackson.*”

“Pfft, yeah right! I bet that you did it just so that you wouldn’t have to have gym class ever again!” Jack taunted.

Jason could feel himself getting angrier and angrier by the moment. He could feel the heat rising inside him along with his anger. Jason, without realizing what he was doing, moved forward, and went to strike at Jack.

“Heh, piccola scintilla thinks that he’d be able to beat me in a fight. You know what, bring it; this has been coming for a long time now, Jason.” Before Jason could hit Jack Addrea put herself in front of Jason, barring his way.

“Knock it off Jack!” Addrea said. “Jason isn’t responsible for this fire; he couldn’t be. I was standing right next to him when the fire started, Jack. There’s no way that he could’ve started that!” She concluded by pointing at the now dying inferno.

“Shouldn’t you be looking for your sister, anyway Jack?” Katie asked. This caused Jack to get wide-eyed. He started to breath a bit faster. He started to weave his way through people in a frantic search for Jane.
________________
A few weeks had passed since the fire had happened. Police chief Clark Keen was busy writing up reports, and making a list of those that had been killed in the fire. He let out a sigh as he was going through the list of those that had been horribly injured enough to require being sent to the hospital. Amongst those on this particular list was his own daughter, Jane.

“Excuse me Chief Keen?” Came an unexpected voice. Clark turned to see who it was. Kelly Bradshaw stood holding a file. Her long auburn hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and her green eyes were shining.

“What is it Bradshaw?”

“Your son is here.”

“Send him in.” Clark says. Kelly saunters away only to be replaced by Jack several moments later.

“Hey dad.” Jack says.

“What ya want Jackson? You know that I’m busy with trying to sort things out from the fire.” Clark says and sneaks a swig from his flask.

“I know that dad, but I think that I have some information that you need.” Jack states, and plops himself down into a chair. Clark turns to look at his son.

“And what would that be?”

“That the fire was started intentionally.” Jack states.

“There was only one sign of arson, Jackson, so that bit of info is useless to me.” Clark tells his son, and turns back to what he was doing. He takes another drink from his flask, and lets a sigh while running a hand over his head. “Your poor sister. She’s burnt pretty badly. Doc says that she’ll be stuck in a coma until she’s fully healed.”

Jack stands up, walks over to his dad, and places a hand on his shoulder. “I’m worried about her to dad.” Jack states. “I also have a feeling that I know who started the fire, and did this to her.” Clark looks up at Jack at this, a look of slight hope hanging in his eyes.

“Who did it, Jackson? Who hurt my baby girl?”

“Jason Flayme.” Jack responds.

“His name has been popping up quite a bit lately. With how many fires he’s been accused of starting I’m surprised that the system is letting him out on bail.” Clark states, and takes yet another drink from his flask. “However all the evidence against him is purely circumstantial, and doesn't really hold up in court. Gotta wonder how he wound up in the juvenile system then. Oh well, everyone deserves another chance.” Clark admits. Jack takes the flask from his dad, and puts it back where his dad can’t get to it.

A knock at the door has both of the Keens turn to see who had knocked.

“Sorry Chief, but it’s urgent.”

“Then out with it, Bradshaw!” Clark snaps. Kelly glances over to Jack.

“Um, I’m not sure if he should be in here for this, sir.” Kelly says. “It’s about the fire.”

“What now?” Clark asks. Kelly stands silent, searching for the right words to say.

“Something’s been found, sir. Something that I think is crucial to the case.”

“And that would be?” Clark asks, and then realizes that Jack is still in the room with them. “Jackson, why don’t you go back to the hospital, and spend some time with your sister.” Clark suggests instead of asking. Jack walks out of the room, and leaves Kelly alone with his father.

“It should’ve been emailed to you by now, Chief.” Kelly states. Clark opens up his email account, and sure enough there is a new email entitled ‘New Evidence’. He clicks on it to open it. The email links to the profile of a student from Midtown High.
________________
The next morning Jason is woken up by loud knocking on his door. He has been staying at the Midtown Homeless Shelter where he has surprisingly been getting the help that he needs to survive.

“Just a moment!” He belows. Jason climbs out of bed, quickly pulls some sweatpants on, and opens his door. At the door stands the woman responsible for running the homeless shelter, Josephine Monroe.

She had long dark gray hair that she had pulled up into a bun, deep electric blue eyes, and wore a dark green blouse with high-rise flat-tops.

“I’m so sorry Jason, but they left me with no choice. I tried to stick up for you!”

“What are you talking about Miss Josie?”

“I’m sorry Jason.” Josephine repeats.

“Jason Flayme, I’m gonna need you to come with me down to the CMJC for some questions.” Johnny said. Realization hits Jason like a ton of weights. “Just remember that if you resist in any way that we’ll have to restrain you.” Johnny reminds Jason, as if he didn’t know what was about to happen. Jason becomes nervous, but reluctantly puts both of his hands behind his back, and turns around, knowing that they’d eventually restrain him at some point, for they have done it many times before. “Go ahead and cuff me.” Jason says. “I know that you’re going to at some point. You guys should just do it automatically by now when it comes to me.”

“….Right.” Johnny admits, and another officer comes over with some cuffs to put onto Jason. “Careful, you don’t want to touch his skin. Burns like no other!” Johnny warns. Jason is dragged out, and tossed into the back of a police cruiser.

“Jason Flayme, you are to be held for questioning on information in regards to the Midtown High School fire. Anything that you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law.” The other officer says.

That’s right, come out and enjoy the show. Jason thought as he noticed that a crowd had gathered to see what was going on. “That’s only if I’m under arrest, dumbass!” He glares at Johnny as he enters the car. “What did they find, Johnny?”

“I’m really not supposed to tell you Jason, but since you always treated me with your own brand of respect, I guess I can break that rule and let you know.” Johnny says as he turns in his seat to face Jason. “A post posted onto the school’s social media networking page was traced back to the computer that you use in school.”

“What did the post say?” Jason asks.

“As if you don’t know. You were the one that posted it!”

“Humor me.” Johnny lets out a sigh, and pulls something up on his tablet.

“Here’s what it says: ‘I intend to burn the school down.’” Johnny says. Jason sits still and quiet for a long time as they transport him back to the Central Midtown Juvenile Center.

“I was framed.” Jason says. “Framed!”

I have no clue why the font is doing strange things.

that's perfect no problem!!

Sy, do you want really detailed editing in which I correct and edit what I think would make it sound better? Or step by step? I'd prefer the first, but I can't remember what you wanted.

Sy, do you want really detailed editing in which I correct and edit what I think would make it sound better? Or step by step? I'd prefer the first, but I can't remember what you wanted.

Either way is fine.

Hi there. So Ive got a character that I'm afraid is a bit tooover the top. she's intentionally over the top, but i feel like it might be too much for one of my protagonists.

I'll get your character looked over by this weekend! Have no fear :)

I didn't forget any of this, by the way! I just have about 4820174 major tests this week, and editing does take time. Tarrant, I'll do yours really quick right now because it's the shortest, but everyone else might have to wait more for deep constructive criticism :)

The link doesn't work, Tarrant. Could you try again?