forum Still in Need of HELP :( Someone critique this skeleton of a magic system

Started July 30, 2018 by @mckapo

tune

LIST OF TOXICS:

Emotins - ability to control a vast range of emotions.
Teletins - ability to control the minds of the people
Biologitins - ability to manipulate the bodies of self/others
Nattins - the ability to control the natural elements
Ethers - ability to control dark and unnatural sources

Emotins - classified by yellow bands and masks

Hatu Emotin - ability to control and manipulate all emotions in large/small vicinity
Raseric Emotin - ability to control anger and rage
Confia Emotin - ability to manipulate trust
Legria Emotin - ability to manipulate joy
Medesto Emotin - ability to manipulate fear
Tezeda Emotin - ability to manipulate sadness

Teletins - classified by blue bands and masks

Dowser Teletin- ability to locate objects/people
Memoria Teletin - ability to manipulate one’s memories
Sonni Teletin - ability to enter one’s dreams/astral projection
Telepathy Teletin - ability to read others minds
Hallusa Teletin - ability to possess another’s body/mind
Lusio Teletin - ability to create mental illusions

Biologitins- classified by red bands and masks
Umr Biologitin - Ability to manipulate necrosis in beings or plants
Kaderi Biologitin - Ability to manipulate and regrow body parts/extra parts
Senmor Biologitin - Ability to regenerate cell growth (immortality)
Enfirme Biologitin - Ability to manipulate diseases in people
Karvan Biologitin - Ability to shed body and create a new one
Kozan Biologitin - Ability to change structure of body/skin (shapeshift/human onlu)

Nattins - classified by green bands and masks
Vatten Nattin - Ability to control water
Aero Nattin - Ability to control air
Tero Nattin - Ability to control earth
Plantaise Nattin - Ability to control plants
Firio Nattin - Ability to control fire
Havan Nattin - Ability to to control weather

Ethers - classified by purple wristbands/collars
Magic Manipulation - ability to control forces outside of the natural world
Dark Manipulation - ability to control ‘night’
Time Manipulation - ability to control time to a degree

There are five groups of Toxics, and of them, four have 6 subgroups that each Toxic falls into, and the fifth has only three. Nattins are the most common type of Toxic, and Ethers are the most rare. Within each group, there is one that is more powerful than the other five subgroups. Havan Nattin, Hatu Emotin, Umr Biologitin and Hallusa Teletin are the most rare out of their respective groups.

There are certain Toxics that are allowed to work in government (these Toxics are given white bands/collars) such as: Confia & Medesto Emotins, Dowser & Telepathy Teletins and Karvan Biologitins. These Toxics have much more freedom than others and are regarded by some Toxics as traitors.

Also, do you think all would have passive and/or active abilities? Or some have more passive, others have more active. Maybe Teletin and Emotin are more passive, and Biologitin and Nattin and Ether are more active?
Idk. someone help me out a little please Puppy dog eyes

How do these abilities come about? Can you train in more than one?

Also, what do you mean when you say passive/active abilities? Passive sounds to me like something you ‘can’t turn off’. Automatically making the people around you angrier or automatically altering their memories sounds a little dangerous and not necessarily something someone would want to have.

How do these abilities come about? Can you train in more than one?

Also, what do you mean when you say passive/active abilities? Passive sounds to me like something you ‘can’t turn off’. Automatically making the people around you angrier or automatically altering their memories sounds a little dangerous and not necessarily something someone would want to have.

From an asteroid crashing on Earth, (border of Canada and US), then disintegrating, and leaving behind this flower. Some in close vicinity were immediately affected by the flower as it started growing roots instantly, others a few years later when it bloomed and spread it's pollen. It's a WIP… Those affected have purple veins in their eyes.

And yes that's what I mean by passive/active.

Which is why the southern border of Canada and the northern started of US are sectioned off, and any and every Toxic is sent there, and all those living there not affected are trapped, so to speak, for fear of contamination (could be an irrational fear).

having the people with abilities blocked off from the rest of the world, they're treated as second class citizens… feared, theyre monitered by the government, firced to wear collars/band that old back some of their abiliries… how do I make that, not so … overdone ?

So there's 6 groups, 5 of which have 6 different abilities, and 1 that has 3.
Maybe they should have levels indicating their strength, like Raseric Emotin Level 2.55, on a scale of 1-5.
Level 5 is the rarest, of which an Ether Level 5 would be the rarest of all.

having the people with abilities blocked off from the rest of the world, they're treated as second class citizens… feared, theyre monitered by the government, firced to wear collars/band that old back some of their abiliries… how do I make that, not so … overdone ?

It could be something that some of them want. I mean, I would hate having the ability to make everyone within a 100-ft radius of me automatically angry, and if the government offered me something to curb that, I'd probably take it.

You could have groups within the Toxins that have different ideas about their powers: one group thinks any government interference is bad and they should just be allowed to let their powers manifest however they do; one group thinks that the powers are fine but they should only be used for good and they try to find non-coercive ways to keep the dangerous powers in check (like maybe every Legria emotin needs to travel alongside a Tezeda emotin so that their powers cancel out); one group thinks the government is trying to help them and accepts the collars; one group thinks the powers they have are a dangerous mutation and are trying to find a cure for them, etc.

That way, instead of a 'Toxins vs Government' plot, you could have more of a 'Toxins vs Other Toxins with different ideals' sort of plot, which is probably less overdone.

So there's 6 groups, 5 of which have 6 different abilities, and 1 that has 3.

Just a bit of advice: that's 33 different abilities (which is completely fine), but you've also got 40 invented words for the people with these abilities. That's a lot of made-up words for a reader to take in even over a whole book, let alone all at once. I would recommend limiting the new words to 'toxin, biologitin, emotin' etc. and substituting English words for the more specific abilities (i.e., a Tezeda emotin would become a Sadness emotin).

I can tell you've based the names on words in existing languages that relate to the meaning, which is awesome, but not all your readers will recognise Greek/Latin/other language roots, unfortunately, and may become confused when they come across those words.

So there's 6 groups, 5 of which have 6 different abilities, and 1 that has 3.

Just a bit of advice: that's 33 different abilities (which is completely fine), but you've also got 40 invented words for the people with these abilities. That's a lot of made-up words for a reader to take in even over a whole book, let alone all at once. I would recommend limiting the new words to 'toxin, biologitin, emotin' etc. and substituting English words for the more specific abilities (i.e., a Tezeda emotin would become a Sadness emotin).

I can tell you've based the names on words in existing languages that relate to the meaning, which is awesome, but not all your readers will recognise Greek/Latin/other language roots, unfortunately, and may become confused when they come across those words.

i meant 5 groups, 4 with 6 different abilities, and 1 that has 3, so Im bad at math… haha

but true, i didnt realize that there were so many… 30 then. and Toxin is so much better than Toxic, it goes better with Emotin, Teletin, etc.
awh, I'm glad you noticed the names from the different languages, but I guess you are correct, that's way too many for readers to become familiarized with

i meant 5 groups, 4 with 6 different abilities, and 1 that has 3, so Im bad at math… haha

but true, i didnt realize that there were so many… 30 then. and Toxin is so much better than Toxic, it goes better with Emotin, Teletin, etc.
awh, I'm glad you noticed the names from the different languages, but I guess you are correct, that's way too many for readers to become familiarized with

You can still have the names, like in the lore of your world, but for your readers it's probably easier to refer to them by English names. Then if you become really famous or something you can release an encyclopaedia with all this lovely extra information. XD At least that's what I tell myself when I go way overboard on an aspect of worldbuilding.

This is a small thing that may not be helpful, but I think Biotin is easier to say than biologitin, and bio is the root of biology while ology means the study of. Therefore bio ology is the study of living things, and considering that biologins can control just people (I’m assuming) and not all living things, or random living things, bio may not even be the best root to use. Like if it‘s just about controlling humans, maybe Sapitin makes more sense (from sapient). Idk, that’s just what I thought as I read the descriptions. Also I agree with Riorlyne, there are a few too many catagories to keep straight. Simplifying names to english could help, or even combing some of the powers together, for example maybe some emotins could only control negative emotions, and some could only control positive, rather than having some people control sad happy mad, and so on individually.

thank you for this advice. I actually had changed it to Biotin, but Sapitin or something akin to that makes so much more sense.
I will possibly change and or combine the abilities, though it makes me sad, because I like all of the abilities and their names…
but I also know it's a huge list…
thank you for your help!(:

oh man, but if I combine the powers… I have to make up new names for them… god damn worldbuilding…

I think if you commit to showcasing all of the powers it can be done, you just have to take your time to introduce it or it can be overwhelming :)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I feel the need to mention that there may also need to be defined limits on what those powers are, and THEN there has to be an even smaller limit on what those with the bands can do. I leave the process of figuring out how the bands actually limit the powers to you, but you may have to pull an Assassination Classroom and ask your audience to suspend their disbelief on those bands.

I have limits on the powers and I have the collars/bands figured out for the most part