forum Review my writing chapter one
Started by @Leiko
tune

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@Leiko

Kathrine woke up in the dead middle of the night, there was silence through out her room and she could barely see through the darkness without a flashlight to shine. She slowly uncovered her warm body and hopped of the bed, she felt a shiver go down her spine, it was colder than usual, but she quickly brushed it off and creaked her door wide open.
  She got to her parents bedroom door and put an ear against the white painted wood, she couldn't hear a sound, absolute silence surrounding the atmosphere, she figured it would be okay to creep into her parent's bed.
  "Momma?" She whimpered out, her foot slowly stepped onto the fluffy, grey carpet and eased to her mother's side, but she was nowhere to be found instead, her father was lunging over the bed, covering up a lump with the sheets, there were big red spots all over them, as she stared at them, it didnt take her long to realize what had happened, she had always been a smart six year old. Her father quickly shot a look.
  "What are you doing in here sweetie?"  He asked calmly, his smooth words eased the girls racing thoughts, he had always had that effect on children, Kathrine and her sister, Alex.
  "Where's mommy?" She whimpered out, a small quiver to her voice, she took a few steps back toward the door and had her hand on the handel.
  "She's just sleeping," he replied, his hand ran over the bloody sheets and pressed down on them, it horrified the young girl, but she had learned how to keep her composure.
  "How about you go back to bed, there's only a few more hours," he spoke.
  Silently Katherine walked out of the room closing the door behind her, but she didnt go to her room, instead she quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed a phone of of her mother's desk, dialing the number nine-one-one.
  Hello, nine-one-one what's your emergency? the lady at the support center answered imediaetly asked.
  Kathrine was silenty for a second, the words couldn't quite come out so easily.
  "My daddy is killing my mommy," she cried softly, her tears flowed, slowly making streaks on her cheeks, her lip quivered, but her emotions didn't match her expression, it was numb, she didn't know how she could be in an event like this, but she was numb, her hand began to shake, as the operator went silent for a few seconds.
  "How old are you?" The operator steadily asked, her tone was serious, yet comforting.
  "Six," she answered.
  The operator let out a small barely audible gasp of shock, and a pause came between the two.
  "We're sending help right now, I need you to stay on the line, okay?" Her tone was much sweeter, and caring, than before, like she had relized her mistake of her voice.
  "Yes," Kathrine stuttered.
  "Do you have anyone else in the family?"
  Kathrine thought for a moment, "A sister," she replied, she thought about how Alex was peaceful and quiet in her bed, while horrible things were going on just beside her room.
  "A police officer should be there, I need you to open the door, sweetie." The operator ordered.
  Obediently Katherine ran to the door tiptoeing down the hallway, and unlocked the silver door knob, letting the large man come into her small home.
  "Police! Open up!" The man shouted, his badge gleamed in the light of her flashlight, and read his department name. His fist pounded against the wooden door and everything went silent.
  It was as if the her eardrums had stopped working as the police made forced the door open with one of his tools, she could hear a distant bang, even though it was right in front of her, she didn't want to hear any of this, Not that it bothered her somehow, she just didn't like the noise.
  "Katherine! I told you go to bed!" The father yelled, his hand quickly grabbed an object off of the bedside table and pointed it at the police officer, not bothering to conceal the bloody body of his wife next to him.
  "Sir, put the gun down!" The officer bellowed, he then took out his own gun and pressed his finger against the trigger. Kathrine stared at his fingers and was intrigued, hypnotized even.
  Slowly the father's face became puzzles, clueless, he didn't know what to do, his hand gripped to gun even tighter and held it up to his shiny bald head.
Kathrine gasped and tried to run into the room, but the officer placed his hand across her chest and held her back, she was too late, her father had fell onto the ground in an instant and his head bleed vigorously, pooling on the floor.
  The officer put his gun back in his hoister and stared at the little girl with tears in her big blue eyes, she couldn't comprehend anything, her parents were gone, dead, she couldn't see them again, but she didn't feel any grief.
  "I'm sorry…" The officer lost the words.
  Katherine nodded and wiped the tears off of her cheek, she couldnt talk, she had nothing to say, her parents were dead and that was the end of it.
  "W-we're going to find you a good family." He sputtered, trying to comfort the girl in a hug, though it didnt work, the tears still flowed, and she was still numb.

@Cassiopeia

This is very good! Apart from the couple spelling errors, which can be quickly fixed up. :)
I'm quite interested in this story, but I would like to just point out a couple things that kind of confused me or kinda threw me off guard a bit. Not necessarily bad things, just things that you as the author could address either in this snippet or in future parts for some more clarity. ^^

(Also, please take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I am by no means a professional at writing, and these are simply my opinions. I want to help as many people as I can, by being as honest as I can without bashing. ^^)

  • Why was Katherine woken up so suddenly? Was it a nightmare? Insomnia? A noise from outside? Explaining this could possibly avoid some confusion (and up your word count! ;D)

  • It would be lovely to hear some backstory on the father. The way you presented him being caught in the act of murdering his wife seemed confusing? Of course, I know that you did not intend for that to be the case. Nobody murders a family member for absolutely no reason. But perhaps Katherine could note towards the beginning that 'they've been having problems' or 'they've been fighting a lot'… Or even if it was for no reason, just noting 'My father has been unpredictable lately, he's been doing…' Or whatever the case is. That way, it doesn't seem terribly forced, and we (as readers) can logically follow what happens next, since you (the author) have made it clear that these two are not doing well together, and something bad is going to happen.

  • Katherine… is quite mature for a six year old. Is there a certain reason for that? Will it be explained later? I can tell you that I am a fair bit older than six and if I witnessed what she did… I would not be so composed, let's just say. XD

  • Did the police officer or the father shoot first? Was the father pointing the gun at himself, or the cop? The whole scene between the two was a bit cluttered and very confusing. I would try being a bit clearer. And perhaps using stronger verbs and/or shorter sentences to better convey the tension in the scene?

All in all, I would rate this a 7.5/10. It has interesting premise, and truly and honestly I want to know how it all turns out. That said, it could use a bit more polish. I look forward to hearing more from you, @Llewellyn!

~~L.C