forum Just some old writing, anyone wanna check it out?

Started January 23, 2018 by @Echellia group

tune

Just a thing for some old characters that i've pretty much dropped, but not willing to give out cuz im an idiot.
Any criticism?

I've also got some other old stuff if u wanna see just message me or whatever.

The document is private. I'd be happy to give it a look if you turn private off :)

Same

I'll just paste it here.
Necklace of Hope

Chapter 1

His wrists would bleed continuously, even when his shackles were taken off to let his wounds heal.
The poison of a snake surged through his veins, yet he didn’t die.
In his 780 years as one of the turned, he didn’t die. And he managed to live for centuries more.
Blood would seep out of any cut or scratch it could find, yet it never ran out. His blood would renew itself all hours of the day.
Yet why hadn’t the poison seeped from his body? Was it a curse? A hex?
No.
It was good old 18th century torture.
Injecting poison into the muscles of the heart could make it last a very long time.

Many carers had visited him over the years, but only one had ever stayed. No one else could handle that man that sat huddled up in the corner, the one that sometimes laughed, the one that sometimes cried. One or two days would be more than enough for anyone else.
Nonetheless Renn had stayed.

Renn was a sad painting. One with wrinkles from all the sorrow that had been caused in her 676 years as one of the turned. One with rosy cheeks and a small, sweet smile that had somehow not been lost over her time, a time where people were burnt alive for almost no wrongdoing, a time where is was normal to die before the age of only 20. A time that if looked back on, just seems like a shitty horror show.

Yet every day she would come in and dress Lucan’s wounds replacing the bloody cloths with fresh ones, tending to his newfound bruises with witch hazel, and caring.
Caring about him.
That was all he wanted, even though he was restricted from using sharp objects, which meant no cooking or cutting things in general, but to him that was all he wanted.

Someone to care about him.

there we go

It's a bit confusing, I was having a hard time following who was who and what was going on. I think lots of that could be fixed by examining the grammatical mistakes and restructuring certain phrases and sentences. I know that you're trying to write in a certain style, but it's just a little messy.

Example: "That was all he wanted, even though he was restricted from using sharp objects, which meant no cooking or cutting things in general, but to him that was all he wanted." This sentence doesn't make sense because the fact that he can't have any sharp objects, and therefore can't cook, belong in a sentence with its own subject apart from his only wanting someone to care about him. Does that kind of make sense? The sentence reads like this: "He wants someone to care about him, he can't have sharp objects, he can't cook or cut, he wants someone to care about him." See how that sentence is confusing? Everything in one sentence should relate to each other.

Most of it is stuff like that. I'm definitely intrigued though, it sounds like a cool concept. Keep going with it!

oh someone actually read it. I know it's shit, and im never gonna continue it so yeah

But the concept still sounds cool, and I enjoyed the writing style. :( Why give up?

eh, idk, ive got so much goin on in my head at the moment, but feel free to check out my characters that im doing at the moment (the parents have barely any description so just dont bother with them) on my profile

Okay will do.

I just looked over your main character, the story looks interesting!

thanks