forum Here's a small scene. What do you all think?
Started by Mio
tune

people_alt 15 followers

Mio

Annalise jumps off the horse and bolts into the small district, and soon I’m running after her. She stops a safe distance from the burning building. This was her home, before she started staying at the palace to do her work. There is no way she’s going to let it burn. But… Does she even have enough magic to stop it? Wait, I do. Duh. I’m about to put the flames out myself, but she starts a spell up herself.

“Wood things turn to ash in this blaze of fire! To say this was an accident would make me a liar! The origin or cause was certainly a lout! Now heed my command and put the flames all out!” She shouts.

Starting from the bottom, the flames dissolve till at the top all that’s left is burning ashes in the air. I stand there with my mouth slightly agape. I knew she was powerful, but all this time her full potential had been out of reach. All this time, all that was required was chants to channel her magic through.

She glares harshly, obviously trying to keep the tears from her eyes. But, that’s only obvious to me, for I’m the only one who truly knows how hurt she is right now. She marches into the charred house. We had gotten here soon enough to where it was still standing, but the whole place had to be weak now. I follow in after her carefully. The atmosphere is tense, as she goes in and out of rooms, looking more distraught each time. She exits to the yard.

I stand in the doorway, as she drops to her knees under the what had once been a beautiful willow tree. The wood of the tree looks petrified, and the whole shape seems to now be a desperate hand reaching up to the sky for help. In front of Annalise is a blackened, cracked stone that is-… was the grave stone to her adoptive mother’s grave. Tears well up in her eyes and fall, as she releases a scream. As it has on a smaller scale before, her scream sends off a wave of energy in all directions. I stumble backwards as it hits me, nearly falling over.

“Annalise…” I mumble, unable to do anything, as she cries her heart out over the grave. “They’ll pay…” I continue to myself, glaring now. “They’ll more than pay. I won’t let them keep treating you like garbage. And, if I have to become the bad guy again just to get revenge, then I will.”

Mio

@@SlightlyZazzedPanda Thanks. It's actually a scene in the middle of a story, so the first paragraphs explanation has already been sort of stated in my head. But, I didn't write all of it; I started here. Because, I didn't want to forget this bit.

@WriteOutofTime

NICE!!! The narrative is vibrant and interesting, and sounds authentic –I really feel like I'm in someone's head. The only critique I have is that you could include just a few more details, but since it's in the middle of a scene, I'm thinking it probably flows with everything else well. Honestly, i'm just curious as to who "they" are that did all the bad things to Annalise, and what our narrator is going to do about it. Love it.