forum can some one look at my story please???
Started by @HumCat
tune

people_alt 17 followers

@Masterkey

I read the first chapter!

  • The basic things I noticed was a lot of grammatical and spelling and sentence structure mistakes, but once you go through and edit the draft, it should be good. If I was going to point out all the sentences I thought you could change, it would probably take awhile, but don't be disheartened by that. I think all the elements for good writing are there! It'll just be a matter of editing.
  • I also thought you could've introduced the eight-legged horses in a less tell-y way and a more show-y way.
  • It was hard to imagine the incubi, you should at least describe their basic size and shape from the start.
  • You use "hell" a lot, starts getting cliche.
  • I'm not really sure, but I think all the blood you described might be too much for a four-year-old sized creature suffering from malnutrition.
    There were other little things, but I think those were the things that jumped out the most.

Overall, I actually loved it. I don't usually enjoy just random people's writing on the internet, but this was really interesting, well-imagined, and a cool plot so far! I just wanna say, the little incubus kid just seemed so ADORABLE to me. You wrote it in such a way that I was really feeling for the little guy! I could totally imagine the whole scene after the doctor chased the other incubi away (besides what the incubus actually look like). Well done!

@HumCat

Thank you so much this was the kind of review I was looking for! Now that I reread it, there was probably too much blood described. I guess my discripting skills need a bit of work, but I'll do my best. Thank you for advise!

@Masterkey

Yes! Sorry it took me awhile to respond.

But yeah, I read chapter 2! I LOVE Hugh and the incubus kid so much! Please keep writing it, I really love it. I honestly do. I have your page bookmarked now.