forum dad jokes
Started by @IcarusFightsTheSun book
tune

people_alt 82 followers

Deleted user

You'll never guess what Elsa did with the balloon. She let it go.

@CinnamonTheChristmassyBagelDefibrillator

I was addicted to the hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.

I don't trust stairs. They are always up to something.

When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the invention that allows us to see through walls? They’re called windows.

A friend of mine didn't pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

There's only one thing I can't deal with, and that's a deck of cards glued together.

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He's an extremely aggressive janitor.

My son's fourth birthday was today. When he came to see me, I didn't recognize him at first. I had never seen him be four.

I recently went to the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit. Honestly, not a big fan.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, "Man wanted for robbery." So I went in and applied for the job.

How long should socks be? Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot.

I'm reading a novel where the main character has strained the muscles around his spine. That's his back story.

What do you call someone who always states the obvious? Someone who always states the obvious.

Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bedsheet. More on this story as it unfolds.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but the kids still get in.

What does "idk" stand for? Everyone I ask says, "I don't know."

Why was the pig covered in ink? Because it lived in a pen.

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escaped from the zoo? It was otter chaos.

What did the skeleton order with its drink? A mop.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?

My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I think this could spell disaster.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll try a grape.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw it in most of the way and another to give it a surprise twist at the end.

@FanfictionFanatic

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

I’m sorry, I don't understand this one…

@Pepsi-spilled-on-the-pages

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

I’m sorry, I don't understand this one…

when you get your photo taken you say cheese and the photographer was hit with cheese

@FanfictionFanatic

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

I’m sorry, I don't understand this one…

when you get your photo taken you say cheese and the photographer was hit with cheese

😳🤣🤣🤣 Thank you!

Deleted user

"I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"
"Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."
"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."
"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."
"How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints."
"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" "Pilgrims."
"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.""What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "A satisfactory."
"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
"Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
"What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
"How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it."
"What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."
"What did the zero say to the eight?" "That belt looks good on you."
"A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"
"Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"
"I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."
"What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn?"
"What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
"What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!"
"Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school."
"What has more letters than the alphabet?" "The post office!"
"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"
"What do you call a poor Santa Claus?" "St. Nickel-less."
"I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."
"Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc."
"I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."
"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"
"How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."
"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."
"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."
"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."
"What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead."
"Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.""Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."
"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."
"What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?" "Yellow!"
"This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."
"What kind of car does an egg drive?" "A yolkswagen."
"Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."
"How do you make 7 even?" "Take away the s."
"How does a taco say grace?" "Lettuce pray."
"What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."
"Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?" "It didn't have the guts."
"What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?" "A meltdown."
"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."
"I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction."
"What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"
"What does a bee use to brush its hair?" "A honeycomb!"
"How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."
"Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"
"What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."
"My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."
"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!"
"How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together."
"How did Harry Potter get down the hill?" "Walking. JK! Rowling."

Deleted user

"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
"A guy walks into a bar…and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."
"You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."
"When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?"
"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know…"
"Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" "No, but I'll wrestle you for them."
"That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted."
"Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.""If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
"What country's capital is growing the fastest?" "Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."
"I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."
"Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."
"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up."
"A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"
"I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."
"I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands."
"Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."
"I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."
"How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.""I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it."
"I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me."
"I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!"
"I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."
"You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine."
"What's brown and sticky? A stick."
"Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."
"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."
"What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."
"I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"
"What's the best smelling insect?" "A deodor-ant."
"I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."
"Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!"
"If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
"I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know."
"It takes guts to be an organ donor."
"If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"
"I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"
"I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.""What do you call a fake noodle?" "An impasta."
"What do you call a belt made of watches?" "A waist of time."
"What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?" "Traffic jam."
"What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?" "Prime mates."
"What do you call a pony with a sore throat?" "A little hoarse."
"Where do math teachers go on vacation?" "Times Square."
"Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers."
"What does garlic do when it gets hot?" "It takes its cloves off."
"What's a robot's favorite snack?" "Computer chips."
"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?" "Nothing, it's on the house."
"Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.""What do clouds wear?" "Thunderwear."
"Why are piggy banks so wise?" "They're filled with common cents."
"Why is Peter Pan always flying?" "He neverlands."
"How do you get a good price on a sled?" "You have toboggan."
"How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?" "By its bark."
"I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."
"It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."
"What do you call a hot dog on wheels?" "Fast food!"
"Where do young trees go to learn?" "Elementree school."
"Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents."
"Can February March? No, but April May!"
"How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"
"Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."
"What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."
"Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants."
"I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.""Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"
"When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."
"I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."
"What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."
"I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"
"Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels."
"Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."
"What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."
"Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."
"What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."
"What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam."
"Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends."
"If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?" "An iWitness."

Deleted user

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

Deleted user

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple. Apples get picked.

@FanfictionFanatic

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple. Apples get picked.

This is on par with “Why can't Dinosaurs clap? … Because they're all dead.”

Deleted user

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple. Apples get picked.

This is on par with “Why can't Dinosaurs clap? … Because they're all dead.”

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