forum Will critique all characters and draw one (1) of each username - DISCONTINUED

Started March 16, 2018 by Blue Duck

tune

@blue Duck
Thank you so much for you critique on Lucas!
I would like to clear up the asexual section of this though.
It is completly my fault for using the incorrect wording for this section and I will make sure to edit it but, he had never been sexually attracted to someone before but, after having a tramatic experience with what he thought was sexual attraction, he ended up saying it affected it. In reality, he had always been asexual just without his knowledge.
I will be editing it to make sure that it makes more sense for those in the future.
Thank you so much for doing the critique and drawing, once again.

Hey, I know that you guys are busy, which is fine, but I just wanted to remind you that I did have a character for you to do. May I ask that I get both a digital drawing of Jason and one on paper? I'd like to see two different interpretations of him! Thank you for all the hard work!!!

I'm not going to lie, I preened at the feedback. Literally preened. Thank you so much and I don't know, I have been thinking about writing a novel. I will definitely hit you up on that offer! I love how you guys critique and would love your feedback if I ever build up the courage to write that novel!

@blue Duck
Hey, would you maybe like to critique Asmodeus? I know you have a lot on your plate so sorry, but he's a bit less thought out so maybe you could critique him if you ever get the time? If so, here's his link!

I have a couple of characters I'd like critiqued.

Kaleb Advent: Kaleb Advent
Emerl Gemma: Emerl Gemma

And I know you said you only draw one character per person (at least that's what I gathered), so I would like to see your take on Emerl.

Oh, and my email is [email protected].

From the looks of it you're struggling with drawing, so as much as I would love it, if you can't I really don't mind, but could you critique two of my characters, please? (Also if you have the space, I really don't mind if not, but could you draw Alex? I can't find any photos that would show his eyes well.)

@FollowThe_Path
Regarding your character Arrelum of East Wood, we are unable to view their profile.
Thanks,
The Blue Duck Team

@Kaleb Advent
You need to make your characters public in order for us to view them
Thanks,
The Blue Duck Team

@Joneathan
Here is your character review for Jane
Brooklyn: The first thing I would like to say is what’s a poodle cut? I looked it up on the interweb, and found many pictures of both dogs, and dog like humans. I’m confused. I would suggest you try describing the hair you want Jane to have. I really like how Jane is an out of this world type character who is dead, but still human. She does normal things, and thinks pretty normal thoughts while she wipes people's souls. The main thing I would suggest is to elaborate on her backstory a bit. I know that you can’t write a lot about her human life (cause she died), but I would love to hear about how Jane became a rescuer? What was it like adapting to being dead? Another thing I’m curious about is: Who calls her bubbles? I also really like how she has different types of prejudices. There’s the really serious one, and then the two more mundane ones. I really think that a lot of people forget that their characters are humans too (unless their not), and give them these deep characteristics that make them seem emotion. The last thing I will say is thank you for thinking juggling is a talent. Thank you! All in all, great work!
Delta: I was with Brooklynn when she was searching up the poodle cut, and it did give us a few laughs, so yes, maybe elaborate a bit more on the haircut. I really like Jane because I love early 20th century. The 1930’s were such a different era, it feels like it’s impossible that it existed less than a hundred years ago. I am curious about how she got her role as a rescuer. How did she adapt to it? She seems well acquainted with death, however how would it affect her knowing that she’s clearing someone’s life? I also like that she always remembers the thylacine from when she was a kid. Also, perhaps you could add another mannerism? I love character depth so much, so that’s one thing to consider. Overall your character is really well developed!
Tallinn: I Like the character, but you may want to elaborate more on certain aspects of her, like how she became a rescuer, why is she called bubbles? Is that a inside joke with the person who calls her that? How did her childs death affect her? You said that her brothers death sent her into a deep depression, did the death of her son not do the same? I’m a fan of the Era she was placed in as well as how her outfit (the dress at least) is very reminiscent of the popular style in that era. For her motivations, does she have any motivations to do more with goals? Also, if there are people who have the job of putting souls back into a new body, then why did that not happen to her or her family? Do certain souls grow weary and therefore stop being allowed to renew? If so, how long does it take for that to happen? I’d add more flaws to her, for example, maybe she gets angry a lot faster than others?

Great Job and happy writing,
-The Blue Duck Team

@cerebrxlthundxr

Here you go:
Brooklynn: The first thing I have to say is EXPAND!!!! In order to create a connection with your character, I really need to be able to read her backstory, and understand where she comes from. As for what you wrote about her looks, I’m really impressed with the level of detail. Girls who aren't afraid to put on muscle are really inspirational. I would suggest adding a backstory, and re-submitting it.
Delta: I’m gonna be a little bit blunt. I don’t have much to critique on because there is barely anything there. Perhaps you could work on your character and develop her a bit more and we could read about her again. She has a very detailed appearance section but that’s pretty much it.
Tallinn: There’s not enough information to review. If you’d like an actual review, add more than just looks.

As a note from all of us, please re-submit the character, because we would love to hear more about Celeste
-The Blue Duck Team

@blue Duck sorry I'll fix that

Never mind, apparently I accidentally deleted it.

@blue Duck, thank you so much. I'll elaborate more on everything and put in a better description for her hairstyle. But really thank you so much for looking at my character.

@FollowThe_Path
Oof
-The Blue Duck Team

For mine, could ya'll please put a space between your individual critiques? It makes it easier on my eyes to read through things on here.

Sounds great, why not take a look at my girl Alaesya:

Can you critique and draw this one character? I'll pull up her link, one second.

We should probably let them get caught up people! Lol

Invalid Character (My character, she's still in development, be warned!)

@Syguy20132 True, hey, if you guys at Blue Duck want any volunteer reviewers, I don't mind :P

@Syguy20132
Thank you for all your patience and concern regarding your review. Here it is. As for your character art, our two artists have joined forces, so there will only be one drawing. Sorry. We would love it if you included an outfit in his description for the next time we look at his profile.

Brooklynn: I think Jason is a great character. I was a little confused at the beginning when it said he was the protagonist/anti-hero. Is he not the good guy in the story, but still the main character? Another thing I disagreed with is the fact that he was kicked out of his house. Yes, it is terrible that he burned his brother alive, but his parents should have understood. His “special” powers run in the family, so Morgan and Griffin should have been prepared for the risks of having children. After reading about Jason, I think that it would be better if he ran away out of shame, or anger with his parents/himself. That is just my opinion, so do what you want. Because I only read about Jason, I have no idea who his friends are. In you background, I would suggest you add in where he met all his friends, and some more details about his life before the accident. Was his family life good? What powers does his parents and brother have? I really likes how he enjoys singing, but only with people he knows really well (I’m the same), and how he draws. There aren't many characters out there who sing and draw, so great job!

Delta: I love anti-heroes thank you so much for making one! That’s the first one I’ve seen while critiquing! I’m wondering about why he’s such an animal person? What caused this as it doesn’t say in his background. Where did he get his hobbies from? What made him want to sing? Background is very important while creating a character. I don’t quite understand why his parents kicked him out. I’m sure you explain better in your story, however due to the fact that their last name is Flayme, how could they not expect him to have pyrokinetic powers? Everyone is flawed and while learning control over your powers you’re bound to mess up sometimes. Do his friends now about his powers, or are they completely unaware as to why he was kicked out of his house? What crime put him in juvy? I know that it was some type of arson but besides that I don’t know much about his “crimes”. I do like that he has so many mannerisms. You really thought long and hard about what Jason would do when he was nervous or amused.

Tallinn: I’m going to start by saying that you may need to make the main character a little more likeable. At the moment, he seems to be rather rude and disinterested, which can be likeable if written the correct way, but it’s still rather hard to do so. I’d recommend adding more likeable traits in Jason to gain a better following of the character. You may need to add more detail in the backstory, for example, what happened while he was on the streets? How did that affect his personality? Did he find a way to overcome some of the rough moments of living on the streets? What events lead up to him burning his brother? What about with the cross? Did anymore actions lead to him being kicked out from both his house and the church? It is not likely he would have had a clean record before the events. As well as the fact that with the church, most likely, they wouldn’t have kicked him out for simply burning a cross unless it was on purpose. It’s more likely that that would have been the final straw, with a myriad of previous offences.

Happy writing!
-The Blue Duck Team

hey this is neato burrito you don't have to draw either of these children but if you do thank u so very much

this girl might be easy to critique she's not nearly as developed as the boi buT she needs a thorough critique thank you

this boi has been through many critiques and ive tweaked him to the point where i feel like the details i add are more like fun facts u feel me but i want him to be p much impossible to critique thank u again

also i will do my attempt at character critiquing but i am not a professional i mostly look for inconsistencies contradictions, missing information and stuff like that coolio thanks

@Syguy20132
Thank you for all your patience and concern regarding your review. Here it is. As for your character art, our two artists have joined forces, so there will only be one drawing. Sorry. We would love it if you included an outfit in his description for the next time we look at his profile.

Brooklynn: I think Jason is a great character. I was a little confused at the beginning when it said he was the protagonist/anti-hero. Is he not the good guy in the story, but still the main character? Another thing I disagreed with is the fact that he was kicked out of his house. Yes, it is terrible that he burned his brother alive, but his parents should have understood. His “special” powers run in the family, so Morgan and Griffin should have been prepared for the risks of having children. After reading about Jason, I think that it would be better if he ran away out of shame, or anger with his parents/himself. That is just my opinion, so do what you want. Because I only read about Jason, I have no idea who his friends are. In you background, I would suggest you add in where he met all his friends, and some more details about his life before the accident. Was his family life good? What powers does his parents and brother have? I really likes how he enjoys singing, but only with people he knows really well (I’m the same), and how he draws. There aren't many characters out there who sing and draw, so great job!

Delta: I love anti-heroes thank you so much for making one! That’s the first one I’ve seen while critiquing! I’m wondering about why he’s such an animal person? What caused this as it doesn’t say in his background. Where did he get his hobbies from? What made him want to sing? Background is very important while creating a character. I don’t quite understand why his parents kicked him out. I’m sure you explain better in your story, however due to the fact that their last name is Flayme, how could they not expect him to have pyrokinetic powers? Everyone is flawed and while learning control over your powers you’re bound to mess up sometimes. Do his friends now about his powers, or are they completely unaware as to why he was kicked out of his house? What crime put him in juvy? I know that it was some type of arson but besides that I don’t know much about his “crimes”. I do like that he has so many mannerisms. You really thought long and hard about what Jason would do when he was nervous or amused.

Tallinn: I’m going to start by saying that you may need to make the main character a little more likeable. At the moment, he seems to be rather rude and disinterested, which can be likeable if written the correct way, but it’s still rather hard to do so. I’d recommend adding more likeable traits in Jason to gain a better following of the character. You may need to add more detail in the backstory, for example, what happened while he was on the streets? How did that affect his personality? Did he find a way to overcome some of the rough moments of living on the streets? What events lead up to him burning his brother? What about with the cross? Did anymore actions lead to him being kicked out from both his house and the church? It is not likely he would have had a clean record before the events. As well as the fact that with the church, most likely, they wouldn’t have kicked him out for simply burning a cross unless it was on purpose. It’s more likely that that would have been the final straw, with a myriad of previous offences.

Happy writing!
-The Blue Duck Team

Thank you so much! This means so much to me after just reading another critique for Jason where the person did nothing but bash him, and all but said that he was a 'cliche'. I'm extremely happy that ya'll took to him so well, and everything! :-D :-D :-D

Now, I'm gonna answer you questions to the best of my ability!

Brooklyn
1: Yes, despite being an anti-hero, Jason is the central-main-character! He's an anti-hero because he is willing to whatever it takes to clear his name, and he certainly lacks traits that would make him a regular hero.

2: Ah, allow me to clear that up for you! This also answers one of Delta's questions! Jason is actually the first person in his family to have his powers/abilities. Griffin isn't Jason's biological father; his bio-daddy is completely unknown to the characters. I obviously know who it is, but can't reveal that detail. :-) When Jason accidently burns Connor alive, it shocks and horrifies Griffin and Morgan, who are both 'normal' humans (though Griffin is repressing his own latent telepathic powers). They kick Jason out to the streets out of fear of what Jason might do, anger and grief due to what happened to Connor.

3: Life before the 'incident' was enjoyable for Jason. He had parents that adored him, and an elder brother that was always there for Jason, despite constantly being picked on by him. Things sadly take a bit of a turn when Jason's powers start acting up; none of the adults bother to ask Jason how he started small fires. Jason tries to talk to Connor about it, only to be rebuffed.

4: I already mentioned that that Morgan doesn't possess any special abilities, and that Griffin is repressing his. Connor didn't recieve any abilities of his own.

Delta
That's amazing! I would've thought for sure that you've seen some anti-heroes!

1: Jason is an animal lover, because they can sense that Jason is actually a lot kinder and more gental than he lets on. As a result he loves a bunch of different species.

2: Jason loves to read because it's a way for him to 'escape' from his reality. His artistic abilities are both learned and inherited…. He had to draw while in juvie, and takes art class in school…. Singing actually comes naturally for him (he finds that it helps him relax), as does writing; he has an ancestor that was an author/writer.

3: Jason's friends aren't aware of his powers, and only know that he was kicked out due to accidently killing his brother. Of course they feel terible for him in relation to that.

4: Jason's powers acted up, and set fire to some houses. There's been some witnesses that have seen Jason standing in front of the houses as they were burning, thus connecting him to the fires. He was feeling a mixture of grief over Connor's death, sadness because he misses his family, and anger due to being kicked out of the one place that he knew as home. This is why the vacant houses were burnt.

Tallinn
1: I honestly haven't put much thought into what Jason's experiences while living on the streets were/are, so I'll look into that. I'll have experience some of the obvious things; hunger, having to find a place to sleep, etc.

2: Jason was playing a fighting video game with Connor. Connor kept winning, and then promiced that he'd let Jason win some of the fights. Connor went against his word, and cheated. This caused Jason to become angry, thus resulting in the horrific death of Jason's brother.

3: There were some warning signs before Connor's death…. Jason had burnt a book, singed a pencil, set fire to a poster while in elementary school, boiled the gold fish, and killed the cat….

4: Jason was caught using his powers on the cross by the very priest that took him in…. Obviously the priest didn't take to kindly to this, thinks that Jason is 'devil's spawn', thus kicks Jason out of the church. I'm gonna add in that Jason secretly experimented with his abilities while staying at the church, and that others were becoming concerned with the smells of smoke that would come out of Jason's room/off of Jason himself.

Thank you all for taking the time to look at Jason! It's alright about the drawing, and I will provide some outfits for the artists to choose from.

….I accidentally deleated Jason!!!! I'm going and remaking his character page now, and will send you the link when finished.

….I accidentally deleated Jason!!!! I'm going and remaking his character page now, and will send you the link when finished.

Here's the new one. Jason Oliver Flayme

@Which_Path??
Thank you for your patience! Loved critiquing these guys!
Merek:
Brooklynn: One confusing thing I found was in his prejudices section. You don’t specifically say who’s throat was slit by the gnome, so I wasn’t sure until I read his background. Is Evanna the love interest? I was liking how they banter back and forth, and how his “life goal” is to annoy her, but then there is all the stuff about how he likes it when she brushes his hair. It would be cool to see a friendship like that that doesn’t turn into a relationship thing, but wherever you take it is your choice. I like the note about facial hair, and would like to learn more about his backstory. How did his father acquire the earth magic needed to create him? One thing I am curious about is whether or not the magic used can transfer into powers of his own.
Delta: This universe sounds quite cool, if I’m being honest. One thing I am confused about is how is he both INFP and ENTJ? Those are almost complete opposites of the scale, so I am unsure as to how he could be both. Also perhaps you could add more mannerisms, such as, what does he do when he’s nervous? How does he deal with stress? What’s he like when excited or surprised? These things will make your character so much more developed. His backstory is quite interesting, however you said that he was raised “thinking” that he was a human. When and how did he find out? What actually happened to his mom? Did he even have a mother figure in his life? I love that your character is a bard and so well versed in music. The bard is such a good role that isn’t used enough in my opinion. Other than that this character is quite well developed.
Tallinn: I know one of the others mentioned it already, but how can he be both ENTJ and INFP? Those personalities are very contradictory, and unless you give him multiple personality disorder, I’d recommend choosing one or the other. I would also add more mannerisms, like maybe picking at his nails when he’s anxious, when he’s scared, maybe he scratches at his skin, something like that. I like how he’s a bard, those characters tend to be my favourite. Onto his religion, you said that he worships light the creator, but belongs to no religion. May I ask why? Most people tend to follow a religion when they believe in something that the religion campaigns for.

Evanna:
Brooklynn: I really love how Evanna and Merek have matching nicknames for eachother. As a hair enthusiast (with lots of thick hair) and a martial artist, I recommend not only braiding hair, but also wrapping it around the head. It makes it very easy to fight because there is less or a chance of someone stepping on it. One thing I would like to say is that Merek and Evanna are very similar. I would suggest adding a more prejudices to make a difference. I was wondering where she keeps her double bladed ax. Also, is it a big ax, or a smaller one? Because I was picturing her with a huge ax that is almost as big as her. Maybe you might want to clarify that. To add more human like depth, I suggest adding more mannerisms, flaws and motivations. You could tie them back to some of her hobbies like whether or not she likes to climb or spar when she is stressed. Over all, I really loved reading about your pair, and hope to see Arrelum up soon!
Delta: She’s so short I love it! I would like to see more mannerisms as this would add depth to the character. Much like what I said with Merek, what does she do when happy, sad, excited? Also please add more backstory! What piqued her love for animals? Has she gotten injured from climbing everything? Just little things. What’s her relationship with her parents? Is it good or bad and why? I love her relationship with Merek because it’s very sweet, especially the fact that her favourite possession is the dog that he carved for her. I like this character very much as I relate to a lot of her aspects! She’s well developed so good job!
Tallinn: First off, both of their birthdays confuse me, but that could be a thing of the universe though. Okay, moving into other things, I feel that she definitely needs more mannerisms and flaws, as well as having a stronger motivation would be smart. While the motivation is strong, people tend to have one main motivation in addition to a group of smaller ones. For example, maybe she wants to see a certain plant gain its flowers? Or maybe she wants to finish a certain story? Those are tiny examples, and not the best, but thats an idea. Next up, when it comes to favourite things, what memories go along with her favourite things, what made them her favourite things? I’d recommend adding more to her backstory, how was life before Merek? When did she drop her tutor? What experiences have shaped her personality? What is her favourite memory and why?

Happy writing!!
-The Blue Duck Team

@AmmyPajammy

Here you go!

Brooklynn: Here is a question: when is she in her normal body? Is she ever? Or does she just jump from body to body, breaking their minds? One thing I noticed was that you said she had tell tale mannerisms. The only thing is that a lot of people do those things. I would make some more mannerisms or characteristics that are unique to certain people like her eyes never change colour, or she crosses her toes. Something weird and unique. Does she enjoy breaking people's minds? If so, you could add that under the hobbies section. I’m not going to lie, I was a little uncomfortable reading about her relationship with her father, but that’s just me. You might want to go into more detail about his perspective on the relationship. Regarding her education, did she go to school, or was she taught by someone else? Maybe her mother? This character was extremely well thought out and interesting to read about. Having her switch form one body to another might cause personality disorders, so you might want to consider that. Really great work though.
Delta: This character is very compelling. She seems very dependent on Mr. Perelli, and while I like that you gave her some bad qualities I think you should also tell us more about the other things she does. What are her weird quirks that make her ever so mundane? At first I was rather concerned about the lack of physical description, such as height and weight however upon reading further I understand a bit more. What makes her look so unhealthy? Is this Mr. Perelli’s doing or is it simply lack of taking care of herself. While this character is not one that I would usually read about, I was a bit concerned on the relationship she has with Mr. Perelli because of the fact that he is her father. Is this character a main character in your world, or more of a side character? If she’s a side character perhaps these things won’t matter as much but if she’s really important to the story then you might want to add more. Even if these things don’t end up in the story, just knowing your character will help you write them like second nature.
Tallinn: I am fond of the idea that despite her jumping from body to body, her mannerisms stay the same, however, It would be smart to add more obvious signs of a body being inhabited by her so that people who do not know her personally could possibly have a chance of noticing, like maybe a little tattoo appears on their neck or something along those lines so there could be further problems arising due to someone noticing. Is this fanfiction in the Zelda Universe? Because I’m curious as to what made you choose this universe? Hat aside, this character seems to be well developed in the background department, which you must have put a lot of thought in. When it come to her father figure, how did this willingly develop into a romantic relationship? Surely there would have been others around whom she could have placed her emotions into instead of turning to her father? Also, how did he agree to that relationship? Especially in his position, there must of been many who would have been willing to fill the role of partner?

Happy writing!
-Blue Duck Team

Thanks so much for your insight! When I first submitted this character to you, she was just a side character that I didn't plan on expanding, but I've since given her a more prominent role in the story, so I will definitely take your advice about her mannerisms. I didn't get into her relationship with her father as much because I don't want to make people too uncomfortable, especially considering there are a lot of minors on this site, but I'll keep everything that you said in mind going forward.

@barabara
Here's your feedback on Virago. I thinks it's safe to say on behalf of all our team, great work!
Brooklynn: To be honest, it was really hard to critique Virago, because she was so well thought out and planned. Great work. Some of my points might be a little lacking, but that’s because I had to get on my hands and knees to actually find them. In the facial hair section, you mentioned her eyebrows. Does she have to pluck them, or are they on the unibrow side of things. Also, the war paint. Is it like a tattoo, or does she have to re-apply it every day? You had one very well thought out flaw, and that was great, but maybe add some smaller ones. Maybe she always forgets to clean her sword? You could definitely add listening to others under her talent section, and if she’s good at violin, that too. It mentions Virago being introverted at heart, yet surprisingly chatty, and not afraid to speak her tongue. As a person with an introverted sister, those two characteristics are sort of contradicting. You could maybe change it to being an extroverted introvert, someone who likes to socialize, and talk, but has to unwind alone sometimes. To add more depth, you might want to consider this: why does she cry when she plays violin? Does she do it out of remorse for her lost mother, or sadness because she lost her childhood? Or maybe for some other reason completely. Anyways, you did an amazing job!
Delta: With the putting Arelia as her love interest 6 times… same. There is nothing I have to critique about this character, because she’s been developed really well, to the point that I can imagine her in my mind, and imagine interactions with her. One thing I’m wondering about is how did she meet Arelia? How did they become friends? Besides that great job.
Tallinn: I have to admit, it’s very difficult to find problems in this character, you seemed to have thought out the character a lot, everything is well detailed and expands on a lot of points which is very good, and the mannerisms blew me away, She seems really realistic, and understandable, as well as the fact that she seems to be a likeable character. There’s really nothing I can critique, but have a fun time writing! (P.S. I like the relationship between aurelia and Virago. Now let me leave with my favourite quote, ‘Lesbians?’

Happy writing!
-The Blue Duck Team

@Moxie
Here is your critique for the pair!

Lila:
Brooklynn: I would have liked to see more emotional mannerisms. Maybe an example of what she does if she’s stressed. Another thing I noticed was that all of your motivations were kinda the same, but just worded differently. I understand that being better for your family is important, but a few more motivations would add depth. I really liked how you connected her motivations with her flaws, so good work on that. You might want to consider adding some hobbies that don’t involve computers, like reading, or sleeping. It says she’s cold to people outside of her family. Does she act a different way around her family then she does around other people? What do her parents think of her? It said she was a second generation American. Does Lila speak spanish? If this character leads to a story, you might want to talk about spanish culture, and the language. Maybe add an occasional spanish frase. Also, if her favorite animal is a tiger, why does she have a black cat as a pet? I’m confused. Other then that, you did a really great job!
Delta: Why is her other name Vanta? What is the story behind that? Another thing would be, add more mannerisms. I want to know everything, what she does when happy, sad, excited, tired, bored. What got her into computer programming? What piqued her interest about programming? How did she start and how does she use this skill? One thing that I loved about your character is that you gave them a Hogwarts House. This gives an insight on what their ultimate goal is and what fuels their passion. Why is violet her favourite colour? What made her like that? This is just me being extra honestly because I love the fine details. You said that she secretly wants to be edgy, however she seems pretty edgy to me. You don’t really say much about her relationship with her parents, so what’s that like? Does she have a good relationship with one parent, both? How can her role be genius? If she is a genius that’s great but you should put that somewhere else instead of grouping it with anti-hero.

Tallinn: She seems to be a good character, but what made her lean towards robotics and technology. Yes, she may be dyslexic and that’s why she likes numbers, but why robotics? How did she stumble across it? Also, why is she an anti-hero? From what I’ve seen, most things she aims to do are lawful good which makes her a hero. If you make her seem more like she does illegal/immoral things to get good results, that makes her more of an anti-hero? Also, you call her an anti-hero, but from what I’ve seen in the backstory and the rest, there doesn’t seem anything relating her to doing anything hero-like or aiming to do something like that. Maybe try connecting her more to the story and what’s going on as well as how she fits into the world.

Oliver:
Brooklynn: The first thing I noticed was that his motivation wasn’t actually a clearly stated motivation. I get what you were trying to say, but I had to read between the lines in order to get there. I would highly recommend clearing that up. I feel like your flaws and motivation are kinda contradicting. If he is really scared about hurting someone else, then he should get some help for his anger problems, so he doesn’t accidentally kill anyone else. I feel like Oliver has too many powers that don't connect. I would suggest choosing a category (animals, plants, water, etc.), and giving him lots of powers that connect. I also feel like he plays too many sports. Most people play one, and do the others just a bit. Like have him focus on swimming, but because he is athletic, he is decent at the other sports, he just doesn’t play them. It would be nice if you put in brackets that lumpia is a type of spring roll. How did he get into jewelry in the first place? I would also love to see a more detailed back story that talks more about about his family and friends life. As a general note, Oliver seems to be too much. Like you were trying to jam three characters in one awesome guy. I would suggest you tone it down, just a touch. I really enjoyed reading about both of your characters!

Delta: Elaborate on his hair being “kinda short” because that doesn’t give me much insight into what his hair looks like. Does it have shaved sides? Does it swoop? He also seems really overpowered. I suggest giving him one or two powers instead of the amount that you have, because no superhero can do all of that. What effect has killing that poor child had on him with actually using his powers in situations? If another child becomes brainwashed will he have a flashback moment and freeze up, or has he accepted that it is what it is? One thing I really love is his favourite possession being jewelry that people have given to him. It has a lot of meaning to him. Again, you need to expand more on his mannerisms. Give your character lots of depth by adding in some little quirks he does when focused or tired. How does he cope with the times when he gets angry? What calms him down? What’s with these nicknames? I wanna know the story behind them because I have been humming and hawing over how his nickname could be Lumen.

Tallinn: Expand on the jewelry, if it’s so important to him, who gave him what and why is that piece important to him? Also, did the experience where he killed a kid impact how he acts now? Does he have reservations about using his powers on people? Did he serve any time in jail? Is anyone aware it’s him? An important thing is how does he tie into the story in the future? Does he fight crime? If so, what inspired him to do so instead of simply going about his day? How did he start? What was his first encounter with ‘villainy’? In addition to his, how do he and Lina tie together into the story? When plotting out the story and it’s characters, it’s important to make bonds tying them together so it doesn’t seem forced.

Happy writing!

-The Blue Duck Team