forum The Horsemen Critique (I'm likely to make the universe private soon, so critique while you still can!)

Started January 17, 2018 by Louis

tune

Basically, 4 teenagers are the newest embodiment of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. They aren't the first horsemen, but they ARE the first to cause an apocalypse. That's because they all are near each other and live in the same town, which slowly started apocalypse. Now, they have to stop themselves from literally tearing a rift in the universe and massacring a lot of people all over not only Earth, but other planets too. Oh yeah, and keep their high school status crystal clear. It's an action comedy. Just wondering if you guys could critique! Here's a link to the universe. There is the main 4 and 2 locations: The Horsemen Save the World

Okay! This is going to take forever but here we go!!

I'm gonna start with locations simply because I think that those will be easier.

(Ok, I'm gonna skip Earth if you don't mind)

All right, I don't think I really need to say much about the place~! However, if it's in the USA, rice…? I am NOT well versed in this, so don't hold me to it, but I can't think of anywhere in the USA where they grow rice. Also, I get the significance, but I don't see how a nation formed out of peace would be called Amagedon.

CHARACTER TIME!!

I'm gonna start with Lefu/Pestilence. Top down…

Very detailed on the appearance. This I appreciate. I'm getting sick of consulting my weight chart.
Woah there. It was chill until I saw the word 'whip.' It's getting real over here, guys. (I actually like it, I just wanted to add my silly lil' reaction there :P)
I love how she's literally a doctor… who makes people sick. That's GENIUS, okay?? I love that. That makes me happy.
Oh, crap. Now I'm sad. I got all hyped for her epic backstory and stuff, but… I got nothing. I was hoping to learn why she doesn't want attention, why she wants to be a doctor, etc, but nothing. Now, I don't know how new this character is, but you. Need. A backstory. Literally anything, if she's new. Without that, all these awesome traits are unsupported and fall flat.

Okay, I'm trying to keep these short, so on to Jaeger/Famine!

Hmm. So he's famine…. but also normal weight. This is just me being weird, but it strikes me as strange. Let me keep reading though!
Nice personality! Sweet lil' philosophical Famine :P One thing here: wants to feel important, but is also jumpy. Just a little confusing? It could work, it's just a bit confusing on paper.
Dang my scary apocalypse bbs and their scary weapons :O
Okay, I'm sad again. Same problem as before! Without a backstory as a support system, your awesome traits fall flat!

Next up: Dustin/War!

One thing that I've noticed with all your characters: their only prejudice is that they hae their powers. That's okay I guess, but they need to have actual prejudices–like, against something/someone other than themselves.
Yay the weapons have been explained!!! Ooh, other planets are lit.
Okay, um, I'm looking at the backstory, and I really don't want to type the same thing a third time, so… yeah.

And finally: Adaliah!!

Ahaha I love her talents!! Not just the second one (which is awesome, by the way).
Um…. I think you know what I'm gonna say.

Overall: Awesome character foundations, well-developed world!! Just lay down those backstories and you've got some great characters here!

Hope this helps!! :DDD

Thank you so much. they are new, but thank you for being honest because I really want these characters to be as good as possible and the only way that happens is through real critique. I'm going to work on those backstories right away and maybe tomorrow or Friday, check again and I will have them there. Now I need to stop rambling and develop!

@CinnamonRoll, I put their backstories in the notes if you go back to read them, just so you know where to find them.

LOUIS

LOUISSSSS

So I read through your characters and I have to say that you are so imaginative! I could only dream to think of something as creative as that.
I can really get a feel as to who your characters are and their relation to each other. Also, your plot idea is excellant. I especially like the fact that Pestilence is training to be a doctor.
Good luck and keep up the good work!!!

@CinnamonRoll, I put their backstories in the notes if you go back to read them, just so you know where to find them.

Yeet!!! I read them~ Adaliah's is my favorite. They definitely help explain the characters more!! :DD

Thank you