forum Critique my character
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tune
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@CinnamonRoll

Hi!! Let me take a look at her… Okay, top down…

Just a quick note: silver hair, red eyes, but human? I'm assuming this makes sense in your universe, but it just stuck out at me.

Personality is really well done!! Everything flows so nicely. Just a couple minor notes here. One, this abandonment piece. It's mentioned a lot, but with a lot of different moods. First, she's pouty if someone leaves, then she worries and cries about it, then (this is strangest to me) she wants to find her parents. It seems as if there are too many different emotional angles here. I would smooth it out and pick just one. Sulkiness and worrying are two incredibly different things. Each would work, but again, pick an angle! Two, back to this motivation–if her parents abandoned her, why does she want to find them so badly? Three, there's a blip in here that says she's distrustful of people with silver hair, but–she has silver hair. It's fine, just go into more detail about why. Otherwise it sounds wrong.

The religion piece doesn't make much sense. Okay, she believes in those she trusts, but does she worship them? It's just a bit stilted. Then, under politics, I like what you have, but I would just tack on her inclinations at the end. Does she lean more liberal or conservative? It's strange, I know, but it really helps gauge responses to certain issues!!

Backstory is fine–it sets the scene, but I'd like to see a bit more detail. Why does she want to find her parents if they abandoned her? Who are these friends that have been mentioned a few times? Go a bit more in depth here!! Especially since she's the MC.

Okay, overall? Very nice job on her!! I nit-picked a lot because the overarching theme is really stable. Your universe seems really interesting and very well thought out!! I must say that I'm intrigued. ;P

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

Deleted user

Thanks for taking a look.
When I was creating her I was thinking of a place where silver hair and red eyes could be the norm. I had everything written down on scraps of paper so I didn't really go through it like I should have.

I took some things out of her backstory and added a bit about her teammates.
*Zaos is a Prain. Prains are a bird-like humanoid race that comes in many different species and are the tallest. (Parrots, owls, eagles, hawks, etc.) They wear colorful garments but males usually dont wear shirts. They have double jointed legs and with training can leap distances three to four times higher and wider then humans and survive substantial drops with almost no ill effects. They are agile and clever and almost match the Xyrn in physical strength.They have a high intelligence, and they are immune to most diseases from a young age since they are mostly surrounded by herbs and poisons. Prain are mainly located near or in the forests that inhabit the world. Although they take after birds they cannot fly.–

*Eldrin is a Xyrn. Xyrn are a reptilian humanoid race that has a stocky build and are around the same height as the average human. (Alligators, crocidiles, snakes, etc.) You can distinguish between the sexes by the color of the skin; males have warm skin colors while women have cool colors.It is considered a racial slur and the worst insult for any other race to call a Xyrn a lizard. Elders have a darker purple skin; males a dark purple and females a lighter purple; which turns black when they die. They wear richly decorated clothing that cover the essentials and simple bracelets.

*Fu is a Qean. They are the nomads of the human race who venture between all continents. They are well known for their singing, archery and training of animals. Collective family tribes that mostly occupy the South sector of the world. A death of these animals is mourned just as much as a family member. Tend to keep out of politics that has nothing to do with their tribes. Qeans are more conservative. Keep to themselves unless they are trading for essentials. The shortest of the humans.
*Mongolian type culture
*Asian features

side note: I've started creating the world that they all live in. If anyone wants to take a look. Though I made a post on worldbuilding. xD