forum Critique?
Started by @Cupcakenacho
tune

people_alt 4 followers

@CinnamonRoll

Yayy!! This is fun!! Okay, top down…

Albino? (I'm assuming). Some people ~might~ hate on that, but I would die for albino characters, personally.

Okay, looking at the personality page, one thing stands out: he doesn't have any mannerisms. You listed more of a personality under mannerisms, when I would recommend tics–'taps foot when bored,' 'whistles when happy'–stuff like that. Also, his prejudice… doesn't make much sense. Okay, sure, you don't like people, but why? You'd need a really good reason to back up a prejudice that broad. For prejudices, I usually go with a specific group/class of people that they don't like. Oh, and motivation? I… I just…. that doesn't seem like enough to me. Yeah, okay, he wants to be the best, but what makes him keep on fighting? It can't just be 'if I win I'm better than you.' It's simply not enough to motivate a character. It's fine, but maybe add something on top of it. Oh, and you said he hates people but also loves to hang out with friends?

Okay, backstory… it's a little bare-bones. Can you tell me more about him? I don't see any reason for him to hate people because of this backstory. Also, um, I don't quite understand the last bit… so someone walked up…. stabbed him… and walked away? Why? That's just me being confused, sorry! Oh, and I noticed that she who stabs is also his love interest, which just confuses me even more.

One last thing that bugs me is that I don't know his race! I saw his last name and his family's names and instantly assumed 'Asian,' but I could be wrong. You have to tell me where this boyo is from!

For my overall, I would offer one piece of advice: give your OC a soft side. If he just hates everyone, his character falls flat. Give him a hidden soft side! Make him play the flute! Give him a cat! Tiny details can add a LOT of depth to your character. :)

I hope this helps you!! :DD

@joufflucharlie

Love doing these!
Although the given image helps me picture him in my head, adding a few more descriptive words to his look might help a reader build a more realistic image in their head.
Flaws are interesting and capturing, but his motivations and prejudices need much more elaboration. Does he have a good reason to hate basically everyone? If not, as @CinnamonRoll said, you have a rather bland character who is brooding only for the reason of being brooding. Also, I can glean some things about his personality from his mannerisms, but I would highly suggest elaborating on these things. You might know your character very well, but I'm not sure I know enough about his personality to become invested.
Social aspects are fun! Nice in that department.
I would fill in some of the holes in his backstory, as I'm still curious about why he hates everyone and why he wants to be better than everyone else. Otherwise I'm intrigued by the stabbing stuff :D.
Overall, good start. You have certain aspects about your character that make him unique, but his backstory and personality simply need much more fleshing out.

@JordenMor

Let me just say, I love this character. He seems like he'd be fun and honestly I would just sass him off if I met him. That being said, please expand and why he is how he is. Why he likes what he likes/who he likes. In the backstory, two people were mentioned as family. Sadly, at the family section, they weren't there!