A while back I was in a D&D campaign with several friends, and along the way I was playing a changeling named Aura Petrichor. She kept letters to her mother written as the campaign progressed, and in game they were meant to be given to her mother in case she died. Instead she went on to become the Pope of Monsters (don't ask) and take over a kingdom which...seems to be a thing my characters are prone to doing? Anyway, enjoy the letters!
Please note that the following document may contain potentially triggering content. This is not Ao3 and I will not be tagging everything but this content could range from sexual assault, sexual situations in general, lots and lots of kinks, talk of killing people or dead people such as family members, and more. If you are triggered by these things to a point that reading them would be detrimental to your physical and/or mental health I suggest you skip reading anything I have written in this document or others for your own safety. If you are the sort who reads something you disagree with/that offends you/whatever and you feel the need become the Purity Brigade please don't bother - I've been down that road enough to know not to engage, so you will get nothing out of me except a block and a report for harassment.
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Mom,
I know you tried to prepare me, I know you tried to warn me. And I know I said I could handle it; I had all the information on Aunt Ink and her friends that you could give me, and all the years of training to be ready.
But it's different than I imagined. Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets about doing this but....I don't know. You know better than anyone that I'm used to hiding who I am, hiding what I am. So far Aunt Ink doesn't seem to suspect a thing, and as far as I can tell neither do the others; even Fearthainn, and I had some small conversation with them on the trip earlier today. If anyone is going to find out I think it'll be them, as I may look like an elf but I still need to sleep like everyone else. For all my power I can't replicate that ability to meditate for a few hours and feel fully rested.
Aunt Ink is....distant. I think she's still processing. I did apologize to her, after all I was just kind of dumped on this group after one of their own had to leave them to take the throne. The little ratfolk girl, Clockwork. I can see she meant a great deal to them all, and I'm glad that they don't see me as trying to replace her. I know I can't do that, I can't ever fully fill the void where Clockwork once was and I don't intend to try. I will just help the best I can.
We have a rough road ahead of us. There's no telling what awaits at the cave when we land. I hope it will be as easy as they seem to think it is, to take Olesander to the cave and have her mind and soul brought back. But something tells me it won't be, this nagging feeling that you taught me to listen to. I know all the lessons didn't stick, and probably not as much as you wanted them to, but this is what I wanted. And I'll keep reminding myself of that, over and over and over, no matter how hard it gets, no matter what happens. I promise I won't let you down.
******
Mom,
I had a dream. That dream. Running through the alley, young and scared, thinking that if they caught me they would kill me. And I knew if I continued forward it would just lead to the life I had already lived; being found and taken in, being sent off to the temple, and eventually traveling with this group.
But when I saw other options something in me....snapped? I don't have a good word for what I felt, I just knew that something else was calling to me. A golden light, a woman I didn't recognize, and a chance to be something greater than I am.
It took me a bit to realize what happened when I went down that road. After being turned to stone as we fought that dragon I wasn't really aware of what happened until I felt that priest touch me. A priest of Ipari, but instead of washing over me and fixing me it felt...wrong, somehow. I could feel myself rejecting that power, and a new power welled up inside of me. The stone shattered, and I could see the pale skin and I knew. I just knew.
You wouldn't approve, I know. But this new power whispers to me, and the promises it makes are too tempting not to take now. Growing up I was so scared that if anyone outside the family knew what I was it would get me killed, or perhaps worse might get you or someone else in the family killed. I missed so much life because I couldn't get close to people out of fear.
Now I'm done hiding. I will show my true self to the world, and if they are afraid of me then they should be. If they want to kill me they are welcome to try. Here I don't fear, but I know that not everywhere will be so welcoming of my true self, but I will take that hardship over suppressing who I really am.
So far everyone is taking it in stride. I know I should tell Aunt Ink at least, but I can't seem to bring myself to. I suspect she already knows something's changed, while the rest are....not indifferent, per say, but they don't know what it means either. We'll see what happens in time, I suppose. How strong can I grow with this new power at my back? I'm curious to know.
******
Mom,
We watched Murtair kill Martainn, the closest thing that Ipari would ever consider a 'champion'. If the God of Death can't be moved to save one so devoted to Him, what chance did I ever have as nothing more than another of His flock?
So far no one has questioned that I have stopped hiding, though I know Aunt Ink will want to know at one point. Especially now that even my spells are affected; when the ship was attacked I used Spiritual Weapon and rather than showing a representation of the shadowy cloaked figure it was a monster. What about the other spells that once showed my devotion to Ipari? Will they too change? I suppose only time will tell.
And I know you'd be disappointed that I ended up not sober for the first time in my life along the way. I've been so afraid of being impaired because I might slip and reveal myself, but now all I can think is I'm free. And maybe that makes me a threat to the family, maybe this level of just enjoying life and being myself will be the end of me in some way. But I would rather die knowing I am myself than have lived the rest of my life pretending to be someone else, that much I know now.
******
Mom,
You know, I was so nervous leaving Cupru. I expected there I would be accepted, they seem to care only for how someone acts not how someone looks. But heading back to Bakewall? Within the bounds of Lirudan? I spent all that time on the ship being sick to my stomach with worry. Would I step into that halfling village and be hated, hunted? I didn't know.
And then I did, and nothing happened. The halflings were more interested in learning about me than fearing me. How long have I been running from something that isn't a real threat?
Bakewall holds a secret, one that's tied to a realm called Edacia. Everyone else except the cat have been there before. The last time they went even King Clockwork was with them, and they somehow survived. But it's how Viðarr lost his hand, among other horrible things that happened. They are understandably hesitant to go back, but I do not feel that same fear. Perhaps because I wasn't there last time, and I haven't seen first hand what the place is like so I don't know what they do. Maybe this newfound power has given me a sense that I am far stronger than I actually am. I don't know. What I do know is that this group has overcome the impossible before, and we can do it again.
I went out and bought supplies. They said that Edacia will make us hungry, so I got as many rations as I could. Even if I don't need all of them it's hard to tell if anyone else will, or what the true effects of that place will be. I know I should be afraid. Afraid of what I might become, or what this newfound power might do to me in an uncontrolled environment like Edacia. Instead I feel....calm.
Now it is time to pray. To channel this power into the spells I will need for where we are going. I have been given as much insight as this power and the others can give, tomorrow we travel to Edacia to do the impossible once more.
******
Mom,
Things went both right and wrong. We found Viðarr's hand as I think the ritual intended, but it seemed to have merged with the bag that ate it and became some kind of monster. To make things worse Edacia is huge. We had no choice but to walk and try to find something after a fight that nearly killed Viðarr.
I was warned of the hunger here, but I don't seem to be affected. At least not like they are. Aunt Ink won't get her own rations, she has Rain get them for her. Perhaps it's because Bolero and I have not been here before, but they all carry a fear that I'm not used to seeing in them. It's surreal, especially when I don't feel anything aside from normal hunger in this place.
Is it because I now worship a god that pushes me to hunger for more? Are they protecting me, somehow? Or maybe what I am is affecting that somehow? I don't know, I don't have answers. I wish I did.
Eventually we found a frog-like individual that Wolfpaw could speak with. He asked us to defeat something in exchange for showing us to someplace we need to be. A larger frog creature that killed or maybe enslaved his people? I'm not sure. One survived and he spoke of enslavement, which seems to make the others uneasy but I personally don't care. In the normal world the strong conquer the weak, why would a land of hunger be any different?
The fight was not easy. It was hard to move around, and we were so scattered. But we survived somehow. I used a spell that while I was with Ipari I never would have, but this now makes twice since I left for a new god. A spell that siphons the life force out of others to heal the caster. While the others carefully eat their rations and we rest in this frog village, I do not feel the hunger. In the morning the frog-man will show us to where he promised, but I find myself unable to sleep as I think about what I am becoming.
I never thought I'd miss Oreison. But I know I can't go back, not after everything I have seen and experienced. I can only go forward, and pray that if they made it out once before we can make it out this time. We have to make it out this time. We have to.
******
Mom,
I hadn’t told anyone, you know? I know they saw the differences in me, that I’m keeping to my true changeling form instead of the elven disguise I’ve known for so many years. That my spellwork is changing, my Spiritual Weapon is coming up monsters and in the fight against the Matron even my Spirit Guardians had changed. But they never said anything, they never asked, and I was fine with the secret.
And then Murtair outed me. He called me the Champion of the Tarrasque and told me to leave as my ‘patron’ was trying to worm its way into the realm that was now his. I had to admit I was waiting on a stern talking to from Aunt Ink, maybe even disgust from everyone else that I could serve a creature that has been so widely lied about and misunderstood, and instead I was met with...acceptance.
I don't know why I was surprised. So far I have become more powerful under the Tarrasque, and those powers have only served to help them. I have found more confidence in myself and my faith. I'm not struggling with the worship or anything like I did under Ipari. I know Aunt Ink has just added it to the pile of ‘problems for later’, and Bolero was actually excited to interview me about my point of view on things, and everyone else perhaps has their own things to deal with for now. I think as long as it continues to be more help than hinderance they are mostly content to leave it be.
Still I...worry. I nearly got myself killed in that fight, I could feel just how close to death I was. I’m growing reckless...No, desperate. Desperate for power. To drain it from the things I fight and use it to bolster myself. I hunger for more. I can still hear those words in my head, I can still see that dream when I close my eyes. I can still feel that fear, and then the comfort of having chosen another path where I am accepted for what I am. But was that just a comforting lie? Is there something more sinister going on behind the scenes?
I’m not as perceptive as Aunt Ink, I don’t know things the way she does. I can’t tell if I’m making a mistake in following this path, or if I’m doing the right thing. I’m terrified I’m walking down some horrible path I can’t come back from, but the least I can do is hold my head high and attempt to do it with as much confidence as I can so as not to show it. I owe them, and you, at least that much.
******
Mom,
I’m...scared. For the first time I’m...I’m really scared.
I felt fear when I left Ipari to become a Champion of the Tarrasque. I hungered for that power, and I don’t regret that choice. I still maintain that if Ipari could not be bothered to answer prayers and to save His Champion when it mattered most then what good is He?
But I...I saw it. I saw the Tarrasque. It spoke to me, and I was afraid. The God of Monsters...Is that what I am? A monster? At first I thought so, and I wore that with pride. If they feared me because of my appearance then good, they should. But the more time passes the more I don’t know if that is a good thing or not.
Yes, the Tarrasque is wildly misunderstood. It wasn’t a god, but during the Pantheon War they unleashed it to kill gods and it simply did what they wanted, until it didn’t and they decided to demonize it. Is a predator evil for killing prey to survive? Is the Tarrasque evil for killing what it needs in order to keep living?
They said after the Pantheon War that the Tarrasque slumbered, that it was licking its wounds. But when I saw it, when I spoke to it, I knew in that moment those words were no longer true. It is done healing. I know what it wants; to make a better world, or so it says.
I think the scariest part is...I want to believe it. Not as a God of Monsters, but as a God of Transformation. A God of Empowerment. Can it save our world? I think it can. I...I want it to. I want a world where we can rise above what the Gods have chosen for us, where we can be more free.
I know I need to let go of this conflict in my mind. I need to set myself down this path and stick to it. But I fear that if the time comes, I will find myself on the opposite side of the battlefield from everyone else. When I told Aunt Ink that she said I always have a choice, but do I really? Would I betray them in the pursuit of this cause? I think that I would, or even if I wouldn’t that I would be compelled to.
Fighting friends and family is the last thing I want to do. But if it came down to it? To give the Tarrasque the power to build something anew? I would. And I don’t know if that would disappoint you or not, and I’m sorry.
We’re headed home next, and it sounds like we might be in the city for a long time to try and decompress as long as nothing too major happens. I wish I could say that I’m happy to be coming home, but I think it’ll be stifling after I’ve had the freedom of adventuring. It’ll be nice to see everyone, of course, I miss you and all my siblings, but I don’t think I could stay home more than a day or two anymore. I don’t know what I’ll do when we get there, but I’ll figure it out I guess...
******
Mom,
Of course you would know about Darev, I don't know what made me think I could keep his presence from you or what I've been up to these past few months. I'm sorry that I'm not home more, seeing you and everyone else, but it just feels so...I guess 'stifling' is the best word. I left the manor long ago for Oreison and the Temple of Ipari, I loved that city for so many years and still do. I've traveled with Aunt Ink and everyone else, and learned to love that freedom. Home feels so small by comparison, and I can't quite seem to make peace with that.
Introducing Darev to everyone else almost felt like a mistake. I know he cares about me, sometimes more than even he lets on. I've lost track of how many nights he was with me, especially when I would awake screaming from my nightmares. He'd just hold me until I could fall asleep again, and in his arms I have always felt safe. I hope the others can see that too, and despite the initial suspicion come to trust him as well. Because...I love him.
Maybe that makes me a fool. Especially considering my last letter, because I still fear that I'm not doing the right thing. I see the people I'm helping every day, I see how they learn and grow and are becoming better people through it, and that gives me hope. I know if it weren't for him I wouldn't have the strength for that, the self-doubt that bound me into Ipari's service for so long would still be there.
I know you can see how I've changed, and that it's for the better. I don't know what the future holds, but I have faith that even as I return to the party and whatever adventures are there what I've built here will remain. It will thrive and flourish, just as I will.
******
Mom,
We made it to the manor, and inside we found something. We were forced to face reflections of ourselves if we had taken other paths. An Ink who left her friends behind, a Rain who never let go of something, a Wolfpaw left with the halflings, a Viðarr who tried to fight his mother on his own and failed, a Bolero not tormented by whatever spell is in his head. And...me.
A cleaner version of me, with a disguise to look more like the family and much better dressed. Bearing a symbol of Motus...the path I could have taken. When Darev brought me into the Tarrasque's service that was my other choice, I see that now. I asked if she was happy and she nodded. The way she looked at me...she was trying to figure out why I wasn't, in her mind.
I am happy, though. I'm happy with Darev, and with the group. It's a different sort of happiness, a free happiness. I cried at that version of myself, because I saw what she was. She said she's happy, but I don't believe her. Looking at how I am now, I don't believe I could ever be happy on that path.
We won that fight, though just barely. In fact at one point I gave this journal to Rain and told them that if I didn't make it out they were to bring it to you. If I die I think that you deserve to read these letters, to know how I feel. I hope, of course, that you might never have to but...Well, this life is unpredictable.
Presented with some kind of mechanical bird we were given the option to go ahead or turn back. Bolero vanished shortly after we encountered our other selves, having already gone ahead apparently, and the least we could do was go after him. I can see we are all rattled by what we saw. Well, most of us; Aunt Ink seems to have accepted that her alternate self was a monster and she's fine with that, I think. Maybe she even wishes that was a path she had gone down, which is a scary thought.
My reflection called us monsters. In our own way we all are, but I think Aunt Ink and I have accepted that we are and that makes the difference in how we've viewed the situation. Unlike my reflection I no longer hide who and what I am, and it seemed to me that she was presenting herself as this controlled, almost emotionless entity. Even when I hurt the alternate Wolfpaw, there wasn't the panic or fear in her that I know I'd have felt in that moment.
I do not want to be that. I will take wild, free, and uncontrolled over the carefully curled hair, statue skin and beautiful dresses.
We found Bolero by following the bird, and now we rest. Whatever is ahead of us down this path, whatever ruler the bird spoke of...I am afraid. I grew too comfortable staying in the city, and with Darev. Here he cannot be here to comfort me if I have a nightmare, though I know I have grown better at hiding when I have one. I fear not having his guidance with me in these difficult times. I fear what is ahead of us, if facing down reflections of ourselves is just the start of what we are to encounter here. But if we stick together, I know we can make it. We have to.
******
Mom,
It's just been one nightmare after another. The barrel wasn't bad aside from being forced to face what I wrote about in my last letter, and we thought getting out would be a good thing. Instead I recieved your letter, and the shield. I'm grateful, truly I am, but the honor of bringing the Petrichor family out of hiding should have gone to Aunt Ink. She knows it too, I can see it in the way she looked after she read the letter and saw the shield. But I will do what I can to make you proud, I promise.
Of course there was no time to rest, to process what we witnessed. Rain said something was wrong with Canopy and we had to go to Una anyway. Unless something else had been very, very pressing that's what Ink and I would have advocated for so we were more than happy to go. Duchess Armiger...I made a promise as soon as I read that letter that she would die for what she did. I can tell by the way Ink looked that she did too. No one threatens our family, no one.
And die she did. I wish that was the end of it but...something happened with Rain. A betrayal by a friend, turning into another enemy we need to deal with. Now the Eladrin gather, setting up camp and trying to comfort Rain. Our family is avenged with the death of Duchess Armiger, but now we need to avenge Rain.
Yet I cannot stop staring at the hand that the Tarrasque marked. I hear its voice, telling me to hunger for more. How many times in those fights did I use the power it gave me? Siphoning the life from others to heal myself and take their powers. We are all turning now; I see the anger in Aunt Ink, the same anger that stirs in me but she has so many more years of training to control it. Rain...I have never seen them like this, so anguished that even being surrounded by friends and family they don't seem comforted.
For now we rest with the Eladrin. I took quite a beating through those fights, but I don't care. The rage kept me going through the pain, and it will keep me going through what is to come. Now, however, I will try to sleep to let my injuries heal before whatever is next. I hope the nightmares continue to stay away, I don't know if I could handle one now with everything that has happened...
******
Mom,
I know I promised when we returned to the city I would tell you everything. I intended to, I promise. But everyone else wanted to go see Clockwork first, and I knew that was important. When we were done filling her in she asked to speak to me privately, and it was then that she filled me in on everything.
Her power came first from the thing in her head, then from Burzum after he removed it and the memories. When she took the throne she had to sever that connection because her being King was already controversial enough, she didn't need people accusing her of being influenced by a God too. But she continued to have power, at first the thought from the throne itself and then from her people, the Eku, who revere her as a living God in her own right.
Yet there was one more piece; The Clockwork King in the Abyss. She found out its power was also feeding her, and knew that she couldn't trust anyone else to solve taking care of it. The fewer people who knew about it the better, and she wanted to be there to help. No...she had to be there to help, because her connection to The Clockwork King was important for making sure it was handled.
So I now must pretend to be her while she's away. Sitting on the throne I felt its power, and I had the instinct to know how to navigate the various political situations where I was out of my depth. I know, however, that you...you'll find some way to manipulate this. That my presence and Clockwork's mission won't go unnoticed by you for long, and once you know I'll just be a pawn on the throne for you. But I'm fine with that, because you cannot control me. These past few months of adventuring with Aunt Ink and everyone else have taught me so much. Meeting Darev, loving him, has given me insight I could never have dreamed of. Taking the Tarrasque as my patron means I am no longer beholden to you. I am King now, if only for a time, and I will not be your pawn.
******
Mom,
I knew you would do this. I will be Clockwork for a time, and just in the way you manipulated it I posing as her will stand down, elect 'Aura' as the replacement to put a Petrichor in the throne, and all will be well. Clockwork becomes a Duke for the Eku and gets everything she wanted in terms of protections for her people and it's all just what you wanted isn't it?
But no, it isn't. I said before I will not be your pawn. I'm playing along for now, but you will quickly find I am not so easily cowed. With Darev and the Tarrasque at my back I am in control. I am hungry for more.
I'm grateful to everyone for the time I spent with them, in their influence that let me to be free of Ipari, but I never belonged. They always wanted Clockwork back, and now they have her. All for the best, I think, as now I know she would need to give up the throne in time and deal with the cave and the remnants of Keaska's power. Better it happened now rather than later.
We shall see how I reign. I know my time is limited, but I will make the best I can of it and see to it that the Tarrasque grows ever stronger as the power of the throne feeds it.
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After that entry I went back to playing Clockwork, my original character before Aura. These were super fun to write during the duration of my time playing her though, and they make wonderful memories for the campaign ^^