forum Say something positive about the excerpt above you!

Started May 19, 2021 by @Starfast group

tune

Self explanatory title. Just say something nice about the excerpt above you and then leave your own for someone else to praise. A few things:

• This is a criticism free zone! This includes constructive criticism. This thread is for positivity, support and good vibes only.
• Please try to give a decent response for the person above you. I'm not asking for a whole essay, but try to aim for at least 3 good sentences.
• Adding a few sentences to give context is ok.
• Sensitive content is also ok, but hide it under a spoiler and give any necessary content warnings.
• Your excerpt can be as long or as short as you want, but as a rule of thumb don't post what you wouldn't be willing to read (so don't copy and paste 18 pages of your story unless you'd be willing to read 18 pages of someone else's story).
• Have fun, be nice, and if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all

Someone else can go first, this post is already long.

Side Info
(I'm honestly not sure if there's anything in this that might be triggering to anyone. If there is I apologize in advance. Anyway, the following excerpt is from my wip Demon's Hunt. William takes Cale to get some new suits, suits that the human might have to wear during their 'hunts'. There's some name calling and teasing since they have to pose as a couple.)

Excerpt
Once inside the store Cale seemed to fill with double the amount of dread he had felt in the limo desperately trying to keep his gaze on William’s shoes to follow him. “This is a really bad idea.”

William pulled Cale along the recesses of the store, occasionally stopping to look at different outfits. He grabbed four separate suits: a navy blue one; a khaki one; a dark blue flannel patterned one, and a blue suit with an accessory chain.

"Here, go try these on. I'll be out here if you need help getting them on," the demon says as he hands the suits to Cale.

"I think I'm old enough to dress myself," Cale muttered out as he disappeared into the changing cubicle with the suits. For a few minutes he was quiet before he quietly called out from behind the door. "Richard?"

"Yes Benji?" 'Old enough to dress myself' he says. Yeah right! William thought as he entered the dressing room.

"I don't know how to tie a tie," the man muttered embarrassed as the demon entered. A tie hanging limply in his hand.

"I thought that you knew how to dress yourself," William teases as he carefully wraps the tie around Cale's neck, looping it over itself until a windsor knot is formed. He adjusts it before stepping back. "There."

"In my defense the bowtie was a clip on," Cale pointed out keeping his eyes on anything but the demon practically tying a knot around his throat. Once he finished he turned to the mirror to inspect it. "Well, you know more about this stuff than I do. How do I look?"

"Come here," the demon demands, and pulls a tube of hair gel from his pocket. He puts some cool, sticky substance on his palm, and runs it through the human's hair. "That's better. Khaki doesn't look half that bad on you, but you should still try the other ones on."

Cale shuddered with unease as the man combed product through his hair. "I don't know what you put in my hair, but I don't like it." Looking back at the other suits a small pout formed on the man's face. "I have to try on all of these?"

"Yes, you do," William grinned, sensing the human's discomfort.

A small groan escaped the man as he once again disappeared into the changing cubicle.

"Hi handsome. May I help you find something?" someone asked William.

"No, thank you. I'm just waiting on my husband."

"Oh…. Have a nice day then, sir!"

"Dear," Cale called out mockingly. "Could you give me a hand?"

"Of course, darling!"

"I wasn't paying attention the first time you did it," Cale admitted holding out the tie that went with the navy suit sheepishly.

"It even took me a few times of watching and trying before I got it down," he responds, cinching the knot. "So don't worry if you can't get it."

"Thank you," Cale uttered in astonishment before grinning. "Who knew a demon could be so sweet," he teased.

"Dumbass," the demon mutters as he steps away to look at the human. William's gaze lingers over Cale's body, examining the fit of the suit. "This one is… adequate. Two down, two more to go!" the demon smiles.

"I still don't see what the big deal is," Cale muttered, turning to see the demon' s gaze was still on him. "See you're taking after George."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you imponant little piece of pond scum?" William angrily questions, pushing Cale up against the wall of the cubicle. His eyes had glazed over black, glaring into Cale's pale green eyes.

The initial contact startled him, causing a brief expression of fear before he replaced it with a smug grin. "Relax, tiger. I'm just calling you a pervert," he chuckled.

William continued to hold the frightened man, staring him down. Slowly, gently, the demon lowered him, placing Cale back on the ground.

"That I am, lover-boy!" William responds, eyes going back to their humanoid color as he exits. "Hurry up and try the last two on."

I'll start ig? Lmk if it's too long. This is a chapter, and I'd be willing to read a chapter of someone else's work too so idk.
Fairly mild content warnings. Blood, battle scene, fighting, but it's no more gory than like a Lord of the Rings battle. I think there's a little swearing, pretty PG swears in this bit if so. Also brief mention of vomit.
And for reference, because this is pulled from the middle, Nox is the main character, Aurelius' dragon companion.

Aurelius awoke with a start to Nox nudging him in the arm. She had a frantic look in her eyes as she tried to wake him.
“Auri… Auri, it’s happening. It’s all happening so fast!” Nox wailed.
Aurelius felt his stomach drop. It hadn’t even been two full days since the warning. He didn’t even take the time to look outside as he scrambled to get into his clothes and armor, grab his things, and leave the house. The streets were lined with fire. Everywhere he turned, there was a bright glow and smoke and fighting. It was unfortunate, but Aurelius had landed right in the center of it all. He needed to get out. It was so suffocating.
“Nox, let’s go,” Aurelius muttered, “We need to go now.”
The dragon grumbled to herself and spread her wings out to take flight when a splash of acid hit the cobblestone next to them, splashing up a fine spray that burned on contact. Aurelius hissed in pain as the acid burned a few small spots into the delicate skin on his hands.
Nox was quick to take off after this, driven by the fact she could avoid getting hit if she wasn’t a still target.
After the two scoured their surroundings for their friends, Nox started to pull away towards the forest, where everyone waited. Once they caught up, Aurelius first ran into Taurin.
“Who’s missing?” he asked desperately, “Please tell me I’m the last.”
“Valkyrie and Felix aren’t here,” he said, “You haven’t seen them?”
“No, but I could always guess where they’d be,” Aurelius said, “Let’s get them out of there, and then we can go.”
“Alright, go where you think they might be, and I’ll keep lookout over here. Make it quick, and leave if you must.”
Aurelius urged Nox to fly over town and near the square, where the blacksmith shop stood. Through the thick smoke, he could see the rough outlines of a few people and their dragons, but nothing beyond that. However, he could feel the distinct crackle of electricity that permeated the crisp autumn air. It made the hair on his arms stand on end. That wasn’t unlike Ragnarok’s abilities, so it was possible Valkyrie might be there, as he guessed.
“Val! This way!” Aurelius cried out through the clamor of battle, “Please, get out of here!”
A dark form grew larger as it approached Aurelius. They were moving fast, as to escape. As they drew closer and Aurelius could see more clearly, he was able to make out the form of Felix and his dragon, Dux.
Something was definitely wrong. Felix was no longer sitting upright, but slumped down on Dux’s back. He was alive, but certainly hurt.
“Felix! Dux! That way out!” Aurelius ordered, pointing in the direction of their escape route.
Dux hovered for a moment near Aurelius and Nox so Felix could speak. He was covered in cuts and bruises and bleeding from a large gash on his cheek.
“Get the hell out of here!” he shouted, “She’s lost her goddamn mind!”
“Who?”
“Valkyrie!”
“Just go ahead, I’ll take care of things.”
“Aurelius, no… You can’t just…”
Felix stopped to take a breath. He was hurting pretty badly. Dux then made the decision to haul his companion off to safety before anything else bad could happen to him.
Aurelius pressed on, and froze when he saw the scene ahead. Valkyrie dealt a clean strike ahead of her, and in front of her was none other than Marcellus. Her own mentor. Felix’s father. Aurelius looked around a bit more. On the cobblestone below, there was Felix’s brother, Philo, lying facedown in a pool of blood. Aurelius snapped his gaze back up to Marcellus, but right as he fell. A spray of blood came from his neck, and he slumped over on his dragon’s back.
“Valkyrie!” Aurelius cried, his voice surprisingly shrill with complete panic, “What… what is this? Why are you doing this? Please tell me there’s some other explanation. Please tell me I’m misinterpreting everything!”
Valkyrie froze, her amber eyes piercing into Aurelius.
“Go. I have no personal vendetta against you, but if you attack me, I’ll be forced to fight back.”
“I asked you a question,” Aurelius snarled, a feeling of fury welling up in his chest.
“We’re here for the dragons,” she replied, “I… I’m sorry… Some people just got in the way.”
“What the hell, Valkyrie?” Aurelius shouted, “You’re here to kill dragons? What’s wrong with you?”
Valkyrie shook her head. “They’re dangerous, Aurelius.”
Aurelius’ fingers trembled a bit as he reached for his sword and pulled it from its scabbard. He pointed the blade at Valkyrie.
“This ends here, you snake!”
Aurelius nudged Nox with his knee so she would dart forwards. He held his sword up to strike, so blind with rage that he didn’t care if he knocked this woman’s head from her shoulders.
She was caught slightly off-guard, but managed to dodge- at least mostly. The blade caught perfectly in her hair ribbon and broke it. It fluttered to the ground and caught on fire in the process.
Aurelius felt his muscles go rigid. That was from the premonition. He did that. He was going to be the one to kill Valkyrie.
Valkyrie took advantage of Aurelius’ distraction and slashed at him with the blade of her halberd. Aurelius moved aside just enough to avoid any serious damage, and the weapon left a little nick on his face. She struck again to get him to back off, and this time, he parried with his blade.
Aurelius, still seething with anger and out of his own, chose to strike again, and was less fortunate this time. Valkyrie caught his blade under the curve of her halberd and sent him scrambling for his weapon, leaving an opening for her to strike. Aurelius saw her make two motions. After the first, he felt the skin on his leg cut open. It was painful but bearable. After the second, he felt like he had been punched in the arm. It took a few moments before he saw the blood pouring down his arm and streaking down to his hand.
Aurelius took another swing anyway, and Valkyrie turned around her halberd and hit him with the pole part, which sent him reeling. He almost slipped off Nox’s back, but just barely managed to cling to her. Before he could tell her anything, Nox began to race away.
“No… Where are you going? We have to… we have to kill her…”
“Aurelius, you’re injured. We’re getting out of here.”
He was too dazed to keep arguing. Everything was passing by in a blur of glowing orange air, red sparks, and black smoke up until they broke through the village and passed into green trees. They kept going, but Aurelius was too stunned and confused to recognize whether the whole group had made it out safe.
“Nox! S-stop… Is that everyone?” he asked.
“Everyone’s out, we just have to get as far away as possible.”
Aurelius pressed his hands into Nox’s smooth scales. Now the pain was really starting to set in. It made him feel sick to his stomach, as did the sight of so much of his own blood. So caught up in his own problem, he barely noticed the shouting behind him; much less did he even start to think about why it might be. That was, until an arrow whirred by him and Nox. He looked back. Taurin, Septima, and Moreau were all forming a wall between their friends and their enemies. Rosalia pulled up next to Aurelius.
“Auri, are you alright?” she asked, “Your injuries look bad. Will you be able to go on?”
“I’m… fine…” he choked out, more upset than anything at this point.
Aurelius had a hand clamped down over his bleeding arm, but it wasn’t doing much, if anything at all. Rosalia keenly observed the injury, and she noticed that he was in rough shape.
“Is Felix okay?” Aurelius asked.
“Felix is fine. You got messed up a lot worse.”
Aurelius sighed in relief.
Rosalia’s gaze shifted. “You look extremely pale. We’re going to have to stop once we’re away from danger.”
“You don’t have to stop because of me. I don’t think it’s that bad, is it?”
“Not to worry you, but it’s definitely bad enough that we need to stop to treat you. You know that blood loss can be very serious for you.”
“Y-yeah…” he managed.
At this point, he was already starting to feel dizzy and unstable, but he didn’t want to say anything about it.
Rosalia looked back, and Aurelius followed to see what she was looking at. The three riders holding up the rear sped up to catch up with the rest of the group. Taurin made a motion with his hand to go and go quickly.
Aurelius held onto Nox with an iron grip as she sped up to keep pace with the others, and everything blurred by even more than before. He felt as if he was about to faint, but that wouldn’t do him any good. Aurelius was stuck in an odd state of weaving in and out of consciousness, and he was barely alert of anything that was going on until they landed in a dense patch of forest and he was suddenly the center of attention.
Rosalia had a roll of bandages out and was quick to bind up Aurelius’ arm as tightly as she could without hurting him. Aurelius yelped in pain as she did this, the sick feeling in his stomach returning. He rolled away from her on his side and started to choke and retch, but he hadn’t eaten recently enough to actually vomit.
Taurin cupped Aurelius’ face in his hand and tried to reassure him, but Aurelius could barely make out words. It was a bizarre feeling, like Aurelius kept nodding off during what everyone was saying, but it was actually just him struggling to not black out.
When he was able to lie still again, Rosalia did a little more work, but something she did hurt like hell and Aurelius fainted from the pain.

The next thing Aurelius remembered clearly was waking up under a few blankets by a very dimly glowing fire. His hands and feet felt ice-cold, even though warmth surrounded him. He tried to sit up, but felt too dizzy to do so.
“Aurelius, lie back down.”
He did, unable to do anything else. Aurelius looked to see who had said that. It was Ignis. They had made it back.
“He’s fully awake now?” Taurin called from the other side of the fire.
“Yeah… I am…” Aurelius murmured, “Gods, I feel rough…”
“Let’s get you some food and water,” Taurin suggested, “That should help your blood build up a little better.”
Aurelius sighed and tried to sit up again. This time he managed, but a big wave of dizziness swept over him, and he bowed his head down and closed his eyes, doing his best to fight it off.
“So, what’s the damage?” Aurelius asked, “Everyone’s here? Is everyone okay?”
“All of us are…” Ignis replied, “Same can’t be said for everyone at home, though.”
Aurelius grimaced. “That’s about what I expected.”
He shifted how he was sitting a bit, but it just made his arm hurt. Aurelius held his forearm to his chest to keep it still. Ignis’ intense brown eyes looked Aurelius up and down, and then they moved to get something from their bag.
“Here, let’s get any weight off that arm.”
They carefully wrapped a thick piece of bandage around Aurelius’ arm, into a makeshift sling. That was a bit better, at least.
Aurelius, more concerned about checking in on everyone than his current plight, tried to stand, but his vision blackened around the edges. Ignis steadied him and helped him sit back down.
“Yeah, I don’t think so. What do you need to stand up for anyway?”
“I just wanted to check on everyone…” Aurelius said.
“Everyone is fine. Everyone.”
Aurelius nodded. “Is Felix awake still?”
“I am.”
His voice was frail in a way that Aurelius had never heard before. Then again, Aurelius had never been close enough to him to see him in distress, but the sound in his voice was certainly distress, even though he only uttered two words.
“I should’ve done more,” he said.
Aurelius could see his face on the other side of the fire. A yellow glow cast over him.
“You did enough,” Aurelius replied, “You did all you could.”
Felix laughed. “I sure did do all I could. And it was nothing. You’re injured. My brother is dead. My father was left behind and is probably dead as well. I did nothing but run away.”
“That could’ve been you, knocked to the streets and left for dead. Those forces we encountered- I don’t think we’ve ever seen anything like it. No amount of patrol or training could have prepared… us…”
Aurelius felt a little out of breath and dizzy.
“You talk too much. None of that’s going to bring the dead back.”
“We’re lucky we even made it out, Felix. Show some damn gratitude.”
Felix stood up, and the pitch of his voice rose. “Don’t tell me to show gratitude. I just lost my whole family, and you want me to show fucking gratitude?”
“N-no… that’s not what I meant…” Aurelius sighed, “Not at all…”
“I think we need to calm down,” Taurin said, “Neither of you are in a good headspace right now, and it’s showing.”
“Sorry,” Aurelius murmured, “I’m just… I’m glad we survived. I don’t know, my head’s still cloudy…”

Oh oops, my bad. I'll go back and comment on yours in a moment!

Oh my god, let me just start out by saying I love their dynamic. The teasing is just the right amount, and it definitely comes across as good banter rather than in any way mean-spirited. Also Cale? He's a whole mood. Hates having stuff in his hair? Can't tie a tie? That's content a lot of us can relate to, and I find it kind of endearing.
Lastly, I can't quite put my finger on it, but your word choice and how you choose to string sentences together has a really nice flow, and is pleasing and easy to read.

I like how you describe things. The fight/fleeing scene was fun to read, and I enjoyed Valkyrie's betrayal! The name choices are neat!

Thank you! I appreciate it! It feels a little out of context, but I did my best to make up for that. I really enjoy writing battles and fight scenes, even if they are kind of difficult at times.

Side Info
This is an entire chapter from a story that I had been co-writing with a friend. Our lives became hectic and we unfortunately abandoned it after getting 42 chapters in. I wrote this whole chapter on my own…. If I ever try to do something with Lux and Lumen I would love to be able to keep this!

As with my previous excerpt if you're interested in reading more please dm me and I'll send the link.

Excerpt
I had left Lux down in his confinement. I knew that it was for the good of many that he be locked away. I listened as he started to thrash around in his bindings. He started to yell out obscenities of the likes that I knew not of.

“LUMEN! I KNOW YOU’RE THERE. COME AND FACE ME YOU RAT-FACED SCOUNDREL!” Lux yelled. I would not do as he told me to. I would not go down there.

“NO!” I yelled back.

“FINE. I GUESS THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHO YOUR FATHER IS!” My father? I was told that he had fallen in battle while I was only a child. I had no memory of him. The Lux that is my friend told me that a witch had removed any memory of him from my mind.

“LUMEN, YOUR FATHER HATED YOU!” Lux yelled at me. I would not listen to him. I had to block him out. He remained silent for an hour.

“LUMEN! I’M ME AGAIN! SET ME FREE!” I knew that it was not true; this Lux would say or do anything to get what he wanted.

“YOU ARE NOT LUX!” I hollered back. He was silent for a long while after that. I sat and thought about the one time that I had looked into his eyes.

“No, you mustn’t go. You cannot trust him!” Sally told me, but I ignored her. It felt wrong to let Lux be locked up. I marched down into the cellar, keys in my hand. I wasn’t going to let Sally nor Daneris stop me.

“This is wrong! We should not let him decay in that place!” I said as I walked.

“Fine, but know this Lumen Custos; what happens once you set him free will be on your head!” Daneris told me. When I reached where Lux was he turned to look at me. His face was covered by a blindfold.

“Who is there?” Lux asked me. I moved towards him.

“It is I, Lu. I have come to set you free Lux.”

“Have you now?”

“Yes.”

“Do this for me before you do.”

“Do what?”

“Remove the blindfold, so that I may look upon the face of the man that I shall have to repay for his kindness.” Lux said.

“Very well.” I responded, and removed the blindfold. As I did, his swirling black eyes became visible. I could not help myself; I had to look into them. I watched as the blackness swirled around.

“What did you see?” Lux asked.

“I saw nothing.” I told him.

“Nothing? How can that be? You should have seen what you fear most!” Lux exclaimed.

“What do you mean?” I asked him.

“You should have seen what you fear the most; be it the darkness inside you, or something else.” Lux said. I unlocked the cuffs around his wrists and ankles.

“Is there anything else that I could do for you?” I asked Lux.

“Yes, there is. We are going to attack the first encampment that we see.” He said. Without thinking I unsheathed my sword, and marched upstairs. Daneris was gone, but Sally was standing right in plain sight.

“Well?” Sally asked.

“So far he is harmless. I do not understand why we had him locked away.” I stated.

“What do you mean by ‘had’?” She asked me.

“He means that he has set me free witch.” Lux said. He had his sword in one hand, and a knife in the other. Sally turned to me.

“What have you done?” She asked me with a fearful expression on her face.

“He has only done what you and the half elf were too afraid to do.” Lux stated, and pointed his sword at her. “Do not try to stop me witch, or I will slice you to bits. Is that understood?” Sally nodded.

“I will not attempt to stop you Lux, for I know that you, in this state, are even more of a skilled warrior than you normally are; that is only due to your brutality.” Sally said, and put her back against the wall. Lux looked her up and down.

“You will do well to fucking remember that, witch bitch.” I was shocked to hear Lux swear, for it was the first time that I have heard him use profane language. I followed him as he walked out. We mounted our horses, and started to ride. We had come upon an encampment just a few miles away from where we had started.

“First, we must agree upon something.” Lux said. I turned to face him.

“What would that agreement be?” I asked, and he smiled. Deep down I did not like how he smiled, but I still headed onto his every word.

“That you pretend to be killed by me. Then, as I turn to strike the first person that makes a move against me, you will stab me with your sword. I will fall and ‘die’ before the enemy.” Lux said.

“Why do you want that to happen?” I asked him.

“People do not search for a dead man Lu.”

“Why do you want them to think you a dead man?”

Lux laughed. “It will allow me to kill them one by one sometime in the future!” He smiled again.

“Oh. Alright.”

We stalked into the camp, and Lux entered a tent. I looked in through the flap to see what he was doing. He skillfully sliced the vocal cords of the men inside with a dagger before slowly plunging the dagger into their chest. I knew that he did this to ensure that they would not be able to call out for help, and would die a slow and painful death. One of them came to the entry of the tent, but I quickly freed his head from his neck. Blood sprayed as the man’s head rolled. Lux went into another tent, did what he had just done, but let one of them live. He grabbed the man by the hair, and made him march outside.

“I want you to beg for your life!” Lux demanded, and held the dagger’s now ruby blade to the man’s jugular.

“Never!” The man said.

“Beg!” Lux said, and pressed the dagger further into his throat.

“I would rather die!” Said the man.

“So be it!” Lux said as he pulled the dagger across the man’s neck. Lux turned the man around so that he could watch as life drained out of him. Blood oozed out of the man and got onto Lux. Lux smiled as the man took his last gasps of air. We did this until we had killed more than half of the men.

“RAIDERS!” A man yelled. He had exited his tent to urinate. He pissed himself when Lux leapt at him, sword in hand, and skillfully gave the man’s soul to the angel of death. I could hear the sounds of men clamoring for their armor and weapons. A sword came into my line of sight, and I turned to battle it’s wielder. I parried his attacks blow for blow until he made a mistake. I then drove my sword through his heart, almost instantly killing him.

“GIVE THEM EVERYTHING YOU’VE GOT, AND DON’T KILL THEM. I WANT THEM ALIVE!” Somebody yelled. I turned to see Tritain. It was her camp that we had laid claim upon. Lux was busy dueling Daneris, and I knew that this would be the time that I would have to fulfill my promise. I slashed and dueled my way to Lux, killing 30 soldiers as I did. I stepped in between him and Daneris.

“Sally warned you Lumen, and now you are paying the consequences!” Daneris hissed at me. Lux drove his sword into the side of my stomach, but only nicked me. I looked up at Daneris as I fell. I now realized why Lux had to be locked away. He was causing the deaths of many people. I watched in horror as he killed a child and a woman; they were unarmed! He stepped in front of me. I knew that I had to actually kill him to put an end to the horror that was Lux Tenebris. I stood up, raised my sword, carefully aimed the point at his back, and drove it through his stomach. I pulled my blade from him, and he turned around. His sword came down in a flash. I let out a scream as my hand fell to the ground. My blood started to flow from my veins.

“You traitorous wretch, you have betrayed me!” Lux screamed, and fell to the ground. His blood was oddly slowly leaking out of his body. I watched as Tritain marched over to us. Everyone around us fell silent.

“The battle is over!” She announced, and turned to look at me. “Serves you right to lose one of your hands. This will suffice as your punishment for the attack, but you are still to be imprisoned. You will rot there until you give up your life!” She ordered her men to leave Lux where he lay, and to pack up their things. Two of her men seized me by the pits of my arms, and dragged me off. I only held onto the hope that Lux was dead. It was a few days later when he and Daneris had come to free me from the dungeons of Tritain’s home.

Sometime after that I had slowly become friends with Lux. He told me that that Lux was not to be trusted, and that the only times that I could trust him was during the day, and on nights that the moon was not full or a newborn. It was dawn by the time that I was done remembering what happened back then. I stood up, and went to free Lux from his captivity so that he could eat and relieve himself.

“Thank you, old friend, for not listening to what I was saying. Now we must get through three more nights, and then the time of darkness will be over until it comes around again.” Lux said. I let out a nervous laugh at this.

“Why do you laugh Lucu?”

“I laugh because I am nervous that I will listen to what you say during that time.” I told him.

“Ahh.” He said, and fell silent for a while. I too had nothing to say. “Will you accompany me when the time of darkness is over?” Lux asked me. I was floored by this question, and had to stop to think. Lux had never asked me to accompany him after his ‘time of darkness’. He would only leave, and tell me that he’d be back.

“I am sorry Lux, but I cannot go with you. You know that I am still wanted by Tritain. It is only because of Sally that they have not yet found me. I am thankful that she has put up a cloaking spell around my house.” I told him. He was persistent in wanting me to join him, but I refused again and again. He eventually gave up, and sat down to eat. He did not speak to me as himself for the remainder of his very correctly named ‘time of darkness’.

It's really too bad that you had to abandon the story because this is really good! This felt really intense, and I think you did an awesome job with portraying your characters emotions in this excerpt. I think you did a really good job handling the action in this scene as well. I find it can be hard to write scenes where there's so much going on, but I think you did a good job with describing a lot of things without sacrificing the pacing.
Also, I thought the first part was really intriguing. It really made me want to know more about Lux and Lumen and what lead up to that moment. This definitely seems like a really interesting story :D

Anyways, here's mine. This is from the 1st chapter, so not really much context needed here other than that the characters are talking about the validity of fortune tellers. The general consensus is no, they can't accurately predict the future.

“Why do you think their predictions are always so vague,” Savona added. “Most of them could apply to anyone really, if you think about it.”
“See, sometimes I think that,” Taven said, “And then I think about what they told Farli three years ago. How do you explain that?”
Farli, who was walking a few feet ahead of them with Savona’s half brother, didn’t show any indication that he had heard his name. It didn’t matter anyways, since three years later he still wasn’t offering up any answers. Keyla didn’t expect him to start now.
Three years ago Farli had been told by a fortune teller that something would force him out of Radvin. They had all shrugged it off, until about five months later when Farli had disappeared seemingly overnight. Keyla had been concerned initially, but his family hadn’t seemed worried about him, and seemed to know where he was, which lessened some of her worries. He returned four months later, but had never offered any real insight as to where he’d been during that time. Keyla still wondered where he could have gone off to, but she kept her questions to herself.
“He did say it was just a coincidence though,” she said, but her words didn’t seem to sway Taven in the slightest.
“But it is weird, isn’t it?” He shoved his hands into his pockets, protecting his exposed skin from the harsh winds that rolled across the Falthran Steppe. “I mean, I guess that could have applied to any of us, and yet…” He narrowed his eyes at Farli. “It’s just kind of interesting that they said it to the one person who left Radvin that year, don’t you think?”
At that point, Farli spun around, his grey eyes cast an icy glare in Taven’s direction. “I hear you back there you know,” he said. He continued walking backwards, keeping stride with Calidor, while also maintaining eye contact with Taven.
Taven shrugged in response. “Perhaps you want to offer up some answers then?”
“I’ll say what I’ve always said.”
“Ah,” Taven interrupted, “So, nothing then?”
Farli tilted his head. His gaze shifted up towards the cloudless sky. For a moment he looked as though he was actually going to give a real answer for once.
“No,” he said firmly. “I’ve already told you everything I’m willing to share. Everything else is between the Gods and I.” He fell silent for a moment, and right as Taven opened his mouth to speak, Farli cut him off. “There’s no legitimacy to what the fortune tellers can do.” He wasn’t even trying to mask his irritation anymore. “And anyone who believes otherwise is a fool, a child, or both. So which one are you?”

These characters seem so real and I love the subtle humor you put in there when talking about fortune tellers. It is so true!! I hope that you stick with these characters because I am already attached to them! :)

The only set up you need is that this is a convo between a nurse from the tranquility sector and a family from the tanquility sector in a world where you are only allowed to feel one emotion:

The mother of the small boy ducked her head in greeting and stood to meet me. I shook her hand in response, my grip firm and steady.
“Can I assist either of you in antianxiety practices?” I asked, the words rolling off my tongue so easily I forgot I said them.
The mother sat back down and ran her fingers through the child’s sweaty bangs. His face was pale, holding a greenish tint, His eyes hollow.
“I appreciate your offer but we have been doing some exercises on our own right Pax?”
Paxton squinted open his eyes as I pressed the cool stethoscope to his chest,
His once empty gaze twinkled, “Yeah, wanna see?” I nodded politely and watched him over the top of my laptop.
He held his breath for three seconds before exhaling and starting the process over. My fingers clenched inwardly on themselves, veins bulging.
“Proud of you Pax” I murmured, smiling again, “ The doctor will be with you shortly. His vitals look good, just a little dehydration from the vomiting, nothing we can’t fix”
The mother grasped my hand in hers, eyes welling with tears, “Thank you–I–”
I turned away from her, letting go of her fingers. The older woman cleared her throat and wiped her eyes, her expression morphing back into that of calamity.
My stomach rolled as I swayed on my feet. I glanced at the child now sleeping comfortably under the covers, finally able to keep food down.
She wasn’t supposed to be able to feel devastation and angst, not if she was taking her daily medication. It was for our safety.
When mental health spiked in teens and young adults the government tried to figure out a way to stop the growing numbers, creating the system we had today.

These characters seem so real and I love the subtle humor you put in there when talking about fortune tellers. It is so true!! I hope that you stick with these characters because I am already attached to them! :)

I'm glad you like it so far, but do you mind elaborating just a little? The rules for the thread are 3 good sentences (at least), you've given me like 2.5 :/

@Starfast

"I'm glad you like it so far, but do you mind elaborating just a little? The rules for the thread are 3 good sentences (at least), you've given me like 2.5 :/"

Sorry I was typing fast because I was in class but I wanted to make sure that you had something, the rules also state no critiscm…. and kindness lol

This exerpt kinda reminds me of Macbeth which I really enjoy. I like how the interactions we really realistic to the fact of the characters not just believing their fortunes right away but it took them a while to accually think about it. I also like the relationship between the characters and the subtle humor that they show eachother.

@Prince_Taehyungie thank you so much, that meant a lot

Sorry I was typing fast because I was in class but I wanted to make sure that you had something, the rules also state no critiscm…. and kindness lol

The thread hadn't moved in like 2 days. If you didn't have time to post 3 sentences you could have just waited. The point of having the 3 sentence rule is to prevent people from being greedy (posting low effort responses just so they can get their own feedback). Next time, if you don't have time then just don't post or wait until you do have time to give proper feedback, but thanks for fixing your response.

i don't think there's any excerpts to vibe check + this died but i like the idea of it so,,, here we are-

"My Stand reigns supreme after all," Killian said as the commoner fell to the ground, their chest now bearing a large hole within it. "I suppose it's only fitting that I earn the spot on top. After all… my will to conquer is almost overwhelming, isn't it?"

Luca and Giorno, both having stood witness to the commoner's fall from grace, approached Killian. "Killian, what- What have you done?!" Luca cried out, watching as the pool of blood beneath the peasant steadily grew.

Killian let out a sinister cackle before responding, "The natural order has chosen me, Luca. It has chosen me and nobody else but. Again, I suppose it does fit rather well, given my Stand abilities. I have only the strongest incentive to complete my tasks for the one who ordered it, eh? The only one who could possibly stand in my way now is God. And even He could not begin to fathom my extravagant powers."

"You're no better than Diavolo, you pezzo di merda…" uttered the injured Giorno. "Your 'incentive' is but that of a copycat, and the person you chose to copy has died under similar pretenses. Is it that you wish to go out the same way he did, or do you have motivations unlike his?" Killian took a step back when this was said, nearly stumbling over the body he'd left laying in his walking path. He was shaken up by the mention of Diavolo, but at the same time… he could not afford to crumble beneath this weakling. Not now, not ever. He wasn't going to let himself fall apart on any terms besides his own.

Luca let go of Giorno, and his wounded father began to limp towards the enraged Killian. The bloodlust in the air was strong, nearly becoming too much for both Luca and Giorno to bear, though Giorno was better off than Luca, given that he'd faced this same bloodlust before. "He's your father, isn't he?" Giorno asked Killian. "It's only sensible that you'd take your incentive from the hands of the very person who died while trying to hold it up. You're continuing a legacy, and that legacy indeed seems to be a troubled one." Killian would not let this kid stand in his way of glory. He was not going to defend himself in the name of this 'broken legacy', as Giorno put it, and let it collapse from underneath him. Victory was in plain sight, and he would not, under any circumstances, let it slip from his grasp. He was so close to earning his top spot in the Venezian hierarchy, and he wouldn't just stop there either. No, no. He was on course to rule the world, and given his powers there was no stopping him. It was as if God himself, his fated rival, had gifted him with the power to claim the glory his gifter once had. And it was about time, too. He no longer saw the use in whatever God was out there, and like it or not, he was going to overthrow them all and become King. No, not King… The way Killian saw it, he was going to be the new God.

The word choice is great. I love the use of Italian. I enjoy the character dynamics.

Side Info

Excerpt
A few weeks had passed since the fire had happened. Police chief Clark Keen was busy writing up reports., and making a list of those that had been killed in the fire. He let out a sigh as he was going through the list of those that had been horribly injured enough to require being sent to the hospital. Amongst those on this particular list was his own daughter, Jane.

“Excuse me Chief Keen?” Came an unexpected voice. Clark turned to see who it was. Kelly Bradshaw stood holding a file. Her long auburn hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and her green eyes were shining.

“What is it Bradshaw?”

“Your son is here.”

“Send him in.” Clark says.

Kelly saunters away only to be replaced by Jack several moments later.

“Hey dad.” Jack says.

“What ya want Jackson? You know that I’m busy with trying to sort things out from the fire.” Clark says and sneaks a swig from his flask.

“I know that dad, but I think that I have some information that you need.” Jack states, and plops himself down into a chair.

Clark turns to look at his son. “And what would that be?”

“That the fire was started intentionally.” Jack states.

“There was only one sign of arson, Jackson, so that bit of info is useless to me.” Clark tells his son, and turns back to what he was doing. He takes another drink from his flask, and lets a sigh while running a hand over his head. “Your poor sister. She’s burnt pretty badly. Doc says that she’ll be stuck in a coma until she’s fully healed.”

Jack stands up, walks over to his dad, and places a hand on his shoulder. “I’m worried about her too dad.” Jack states. “I also have a feeling that I know who started the fire, and did this to her.”

Clark looks up at Jack at this, a look of slight hope hanging in his eyes. “Who did it, Jackson? Who hurt my baby girl?”

“Jason Flayme.” Jack responds.

“His name has been popping up quite a bit lately. With how many fires he’s been accused of starting I’m surprised that the system is letting him out on bail.” Clark states, and takes yet another drink from his flask. “However all the evidence against him is purely circumstantial, and doesn't really hold up in court. Gotta wonder how he wound up in the juvenile system then. Oh well, everyone deserves another chance.” Clark admits.
Jack takes the flask from his dad, and puts it back where his dad can’t get to it. A knock at the door has both of the Keens turn to see who had knocked.

“Sorry Chief, but it’s urgent.”

“Then out with it, Bradshaw!” Clark snaps.

Kelly glances over to Jack. “Um, I’m not sure if he should be in here for this, sir.” Kelly says. “It’s about the fire.”

“What now?” Clark asks.

Kelly stands silent, searching for the right words to say. “Something’s been found, sir. Something that I think is crucial to the case.”

“And that would be?” Clark asks, and then realizes that Jack is still in the room with them. “Jackson, why don’t you go back to the hospital, and spend some time with your sister.” Clark suggests instead of asking. Jack walks out of the room, and leaves Kelly alone with his father.

“It should’ve been emailed to you by now, Chief.” Kelly states. Clark opens up his email account, and sure enough there is a new email entitled ‘New Evidence’. He clicks on it to open it. The email links to the profile of a student from Midford High.