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//TW//suicidal thoughts\
Spoiler - click to show.
I hate being alive. nobody cares anymore. It doesn't matter if I disappeared and never came back. I just want someone SOMEONE to freaking talk about my interests for like 2 minutes. I hate it here.
(Hey bestie I was there literally a week ago. You can dm me I love hearing about special interests. I care <3)
TW/// general depression stuff and swearing
i feel like im never going to be anything worth remembering. im 18 years old, im physically and mentally ill, the world is on fire, and im supposed to have my whole life ahead of me and i know im not the only person who feels this way but its so fucking hard. i want to be worth something, i dont want to be forgotten, and i know people say they love me and care about me but i just cant believe it, how could anyone ever think im worth anything?
//TW//self-harm, drugs, suicidal thoughts, sex\\ Swearing.
Spoiler - click to show.
I don't ficking know why I'm like this. My life was going fine until the sleepover. Fucking god the sleepover… That was the first time. I fucking cried so much. I rubbed off my skin, I didn't do my arms they would of saw. I itched my stomach. I sat there crying in the stupid bathroom and scratched my stomach. That night I wished I had brought my paci, no actually I did. I did bring it, I was too afraid to take it out though. I was so scared that becky* and jess* would see. I sat in the bathroom and cried while they locked me out of the bedrooms. One pair having sex the other smoking pot and making my things stink. I was so scared. I had danni's* iPad and my phone. I tried texting people but they didn't answer, of course they didn't. Who would want to answer the pathetic little girl sitting on the floor crying and self-harming for the first time. The stuffies I brought were locked in the rooms away from me. I hated that night every day since. "You loved that sleepover" my stupid friends joke. They just thought that I was peeing and changing my pad everytime I went into the bathroom. "You loved drinking monster and playing spin the bottle and 7 minutes in heaven. You loved going out at 4 am to look for Danni's* phone. You loved being the one to find it. You loved being surrounded by people." I did. I did love those bits. But those bits amounted to a couple hours, to 10% of the time I spent there. I wish I loved it all. But. I. Dont. I hated it. I never processed how much I hated it until now. I never processed how much hate and anger I hold for the people involved with that. I HATE THEM AND I DONT KNOW AHT DO DO ABOUT IT I DONT KNOWIDONTKNOIDONTKNOWIDONTKNOW AND I HATE NOT KNOWING I hate December 4th and I hate everything I've ever done that day.
*names have been changed
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