I have been writing and doing research on it for a while now, so I want to help others improve and grow as aspiring authors. I will gladly discuss or critique characters, stories, and concepts with anyone who asks. It is never my intention to offend. I want to be honest within an ethical standard, and I encourage you to keep writing regardless of what I say.
If this is still open can I send the beginning of my story and maybe talk about the idea I have for it?
@Spider-man Of course. You can send it whenever you're ready for me to look at it.
Thanks! I’ll send it later thanks again
Hey sorry, do you want me to send it on here? I can like copy and paste it or something
@Spider-man Either that or send me a link to the document on google docs or something, depending on what you'd prefer.
Thanks, I don't have a whole lot but I kind of want to know if it makes sense as a beginning or if it's just confusing
So, in terms of the premise, I think it has potential. Futuristic settings have a lot of room to go in a lot of different directions, whether it be exploring what happened to cause the world to change to the technology that developed to, well, all sorts of things, depending on what you want it to be about. Obviously, only being about 3 pages so far, there's not much context about the terms like PATH, what qualifies as a peace breaker, and the state of the society besides being a utopia/dystopia type setting, but in my experience, the sooner it's explained the better the reader grasps the situation of the character. That said, I think the biggest thing I noticed was the weak descriptions and simple grammar errors that would be easy to fix. The content itself is fine, but it's sometimes hard to grasp the images you're trying to convey. For example, there's no description of the parents, Jacob, the waiters, the peace breaker, etc. and the description of the vessel they're taking is too vague to picture properly. But like I said, it's only the first 3 pages with plenty of room for improvements. As writers, at least in my experience, we tend to imagine things so frequently through daydreams that we forget that outside readers have basically no idea what we're imagining in our head. I struggle with describing things sometimes myself, but it's an important aspect of stories, especially ones so detached from our reality.
I might also recommend more build up to the situation the characters start in, but that depends on the direction of the story and what you think is necessary. Establishing the relationship with the parents through direct interaction rather than a brief mention and getting to know the small, humble beginning of the characters could allow the scale of the story to escalate more and more, from going from a small town to a much more industrial area with the transportation and then bigger and bigger in scale from there. But that's up to you on whether you think the parents are important enough and if you feel like starting earlier.
To be more specific about the grammar, most of it is having periods instead of commas and odd transition from one subject to another. That comes more when you start polishing things up and deciding what you plan to keep or toss, though, so you could fix that part up whenever you wanted to get it beyond rough draft stages. Also, there's some inconsistencies on whether it's in present tense or past tense. I typically go with past tense since it tends to be easier to describe things, but it doesn't really matter as long as it's consistent (if you plan to have it in first person perspective, I would put it in present tense). Speaking of the perspective, providing specific dates can add an interesting layer to a story if it adds to it, but if there's no purpose within the story for the date, then there's not really a point to it. For example, if it's written in journal entries or letters of some kind, then dates could add to the story, but if we're going to follow time fairly closely throughout the story with the character, then it might be better not to have it. If there's a major time skip, it would probably just be easier to give a timestamp of the amount of time that passed. Again, that's entirely dependent on where the story is going. This is just based off of what I've read and the direction it could possibly go.
If you want any additional advice on this or any other story, and if you have anymore questions, I'd be happy to help. And if you aren't sure how to really fix the grammar, I could help out with that as well. I hope you found my input helpful. I apologize if this seems harsh or highly critical. I don't mean any harm by it. I really did enjoy reading it and I hope you choose to continue with it. Good luck, and have fun bringing your ideas to life, my fellow writer!
@Spider-man ^^
This was actually really helpful! Thank you! In my head the story is all fleshed out and I have such a vivid image but sometimes it's hard to put on the paper or I forget that no one else knows the world. Thanks again I'll definitely take your advice into account when fixing it up! also, you weren't being too harsh you give really good constructive criticism!
@Zinnia_Beanz I was wondering if you were still open to critique work? I have a little short story that I wrote and well want to make better. I don't have any big aspirations for it but I would love to get some critique so that I can become a better writer for my bigger story.
@kakito-len Yes, of course. Just send me the document and tell me what type of criticism you want (as in wanting the content as a whole looked over, like plot and characters, and/or more picky grammar things with in depth reasonings. Sometimes people are more interested in one or the other is why I ask).
@Zinnia_Beanz Thank you so much! Heres the link: https://www.notebook.ai/documents/97702 and as for what I want to be critiqued, I would like to focus on the flow of the story and overall mood. Maybe characterization but they were literally created while writing this so that isn't as important to me. But if you find something you really want to comment on personally I am totally open to hearing it!
@Kaloobia I take any writing critique requests, so sure thing. He's a solid character with a good balance between his flaws and strengths, at least based off of this profile. The only thing I would recommend is adding more things about what his music is and why he got into it over his YouTube career. It mentions that he had been on the Youtube for a long time, but it doesn't necessarily say how big his channel was. Also, be careful about using copyrighted names like that in a story you may plan on making public. It can be more trouble than it's worth. It's pretty easy to avoid that with a fake knock off name, though.
I think his relationship with his spouse being so important to him is an interesting trait for a borderline sociopathic character. The only thing about that aspect was that when you described Erika, there was inconsistent pronoun usage? Both they/them and she/her were used for Erika, and it says that they use gender-neutral pronouns, but it isn't always used. If you're going for gender neutral, then I would go back and make sure she/her was removed, or vise versa. It could be easier to remember you changed their name to a more neutral one, but if that wasn't your intent, then don't worry about it.
There's a lot of possibilities in this character. The more intense and dynamic you make a character, especially a sometimes antagonistic one, the harder they can be to keep consistent while also not turning off the reader if they become too much. As long as he is utilized in a way that keeps him engaging, as well as allowing room for dynamic interactions with friends and enemies alike, he could be a fun personality.
I know I didn't give you much criticisms, but those are the only issues I had, really. I hope this was somewhat helpful nonetheless.
@SupernaturalSyGuyIsFreezingToDeath Since it is fairly long, it'll be a while before I can read it over to give a proper criticism. I'll probably divide it by chapters or segments when I do go over it. If you would prefer, I could respond in multiple replies so that you don't have to take it all in at once. Either way, I'll need to know what type of criticisms in particular, whether it be grammar, structure, and minor improvements and/or an overview of the story, characters, setting, etc., that you want. I'm pretty sure I've already gone over one of your stories from a post so I won't repeat myself unless I find it necessary outside of a possible brief mention.
Multiple replies are fine! Cover structure, do an overview, look at characters and setting. Thanks again!
@Kaloobia I take any writing critique requests, so sure thing. He's a solid character with a good balance between his flaws and strengths, at least based off of this profile. The only thing I would recommend is adding more things about what his music is and why he got into it over his YouTube career. It mentions that he had been on the Youtube for a long time, but it doesn't necessarily say how big his channel was. Also, be careful about using copyrighted names like that in a story you may plan on making public. It can be more trouble than it's worth. It's pretty easy to avoid that with a fake knock off name, though.
I think his relationship with his spouse being so important to him is an interesting trait for a borderline sociopathic character. The only thing about that aspect was that when you described Erika, there was inconsistent pronoun usage? Both they/them and she/her were used for Erika, and it says that they use gender-neutral pronouns, but it isn't always used. If you're going for gender neutral, then I would go back and make sure she/her was removed, or vise versa. It could be easier to remember you changed their name to a more neutral one, but if that wasn't your intent, then don't worry about it.
There's a lot of possibilities in this character. The more intense and dynamic you make a character, especially a sometimes antagonistic one, the harder they can be to keep consistent while also not turning off the reader if they become too much. As long as he is utilized in a way that keeps him engaging, as well as allowing room for dynamic interactions with friends and enemies alike, he could be a fun personality.
I know I didn't give you much criticisms, but those are the only issues I had, really. I hope this was somewhat helpful nonetheless.
Hey thank you so much!! Good point about adding details about his career choice, and yeah I would definitely use a knock-off name don't worry :)
About Erika's pronouns: she's trans and identifies as a demigirl, and her pronouns are she/her/they/them, so it was a conscious decision to switch between the two because that's generally what you do in regards to someone who has several pronouns that they don't have a preference between on any given day. So it's something I've gotten into the habit of doing, switching constantly between two different pronouns when describing a character who has several, and I understand that it can be confusing for people who aren't familiar with the concept haha. If you recommend it, I could stick to one or the other, just in Sakchai's profile, for the sake of consistency and evading confusion.
Thank you for the advice! I really appreciate it ^^
@Kaloobia I think it's perfectly fine to have multiple pronouns like that, but I was mostly basing that off of the stated preference being only they/them. I've seen people accidentally use he or her when describing a gender neutral character before out of habit so since they use both in this case, it's fine. It is something you'd probably want to clarify in the story early on because a whole lot of people aren't as familiar with the concept.
I liked the story, and the characters served it well to make it work. I think that the setting was rather lacking, however. There were many missing details that got overlooked or established far later on, such as where the story took place, what their surroundings looked like, what the characters themselves looked like, that the Prince couldn't see the escapee's face, etc.. I think a lot of that came from the overall structure of the story. It was like a summary of what the characters did together rather than an exploration into their romantic day. He talked about their differences and similarities and told the reader what they talked about and did, but not much on why or how. It makes it feel rushed and blunt. I think that a lot of writers are so afraid of being over-indulgent with details that they neglect some fun possibilities of descriptions. I've found that it's fun to explore that aspect of a story once you get used to including it. Especially with personal stories, you get to go into as much detail as you want regardless of how arguably pointless it may be.
The only other thing I would comment on is some minor grammatical and sentence structure issues, like using a lot of adverbs (typically words ending in -ly) and dialogue stuff.
I hope this was helpful to you in improving your writing, and good luck in your later stories. If you ever want my help again, have specific questions, or want general advice on anything writing related, feel free to ask.
@Zinnia_Beanz thank you so much! I certainly will!
@SupernaturalSyGuyIsFreezingToDeath
So, the first part of your story I'm going to go over is the prologue. I think this part is the shakiest out of the whole story. The ideas it portrays are interesting and engaging, but the way they are presented makes it feel disjointed. The issues I see that caused this is the way the environment and characters are described, inconsistent verb tenses, and a lack of insight into what the characters are feeling. I think that it's great that you're giving a lot of details about the environment and the people in it, however, the presentation of the descriptions pushes the reader out of the scene rather than pulling them in. There's a new sentence for almost every detail, which makes each aspect pop into existence one by one. Have them connect to each other and the environment, and if they don't connect, then a couple of sentences will do. The less time spent in a setting, the less details are needed. If the characters aren't taking in an environment alongside the reader, then choose the most important parts of it and get into the meat of the story. The way the characters observe their surroundings can tell the reader a lot about them, and even the setting itself can impact the story when used in a sophisticated way.
Especially with the descriptions, there was a lot of switching between past and present tense. In a story like this, I would recommend sticking to past tense.
Then there's the issue of the character insight. Almost everything that happened in the prologue was external with very little about what each person felt or the impact it had internally. It made it difficult to connect to the characters or establish their personalities. It also contributed to the choppiness of the descriptions. It was hard to tell who's perspective was the focus, and consequently, the reader could feel disconnected from what's going on.
All of this said, I'm not certain on how most parts of this prologue actually contributes to the story itself. Prologues can be excellent tools to reel in the readers, but with very little character insight, it doesn't seem to add to the characters in a meaningful way. Prologues can introduce a new perspective, be a lure by using future plot points, or introduce unfamiliar places in fantasy worlds, however, many readers skip the prologue altogether. If the information in the prologue could be integrated into the story naturally, which I feel this one could, then it isn't worth including. There didn't seem to be vital plot points introduced in the labor scene, and the part where the mother said the son wasn't the father's actually took away from the reveal later on. Not only that, but it wasn't elaborated on or pursued. It was almost completely ignored, even. Such a sensitive topic is not to be used lightly for mere shock value. Then there was the brother's death, which although important, could still be integrated later. Then there was the church which was too brief to offer character development or have much impact. Finally, there was the part where the aunt came to get him out of prison. I think a much more mysterious way for this to play out would be for the aunt to not even introduce herself and instead pay the bail with a small interaction hinting at something more.
That aside, I read aaaall the way to the end. I liked the potential in it and the way it could lead to something more. Some of the issues I had with the prologue seemed to vanish for the most part. Some new things I noticed were unnecessary information, like the names of the gym students. I think it would be better to focus on the connection he has with his friends and the tension with his current primary antagonist rather than one-off characters never brought up again. There wasn't actually much build up to the school fire, and it didn't end up posing a threat to any of the important characters. The antagonist's sister wasn't even mentioned prior to the fire, so it was sudden for her to be so important to him.
Speaking of the fire, the transition between chapter one and two is very strange. It could work better as a transition between the end of the fire and the transition into the scene between the antagonist and his father.
A smaller detail is the police character who was close to the main character. He hadn't been established beforehand in the prologue. Also, I'm not sure why a military personnel, a major at that, was interrogating him. Although majors are intimidating and forceful, they are not trained police or detectives. They have no connection to the police force at all. It could make more sense if he used to be a major at one point, but as a member of the military, he would never be allowed in an interrogation room unless he was the suspect on the receiving end of the interrogating.
I can appreciate the list of names at the end as a fellow writer. It's an excellent way to keep track of everyone in the story. And it was obvious you wanted to improve based on the colored text at the end. Leaving comments like that for yourself will inevitably lead to improvements, so keep it up. I'm very impressed at the quantity of your story. It's no easy task to get 20+ pages deep into your writing, and the further you go, the more taxing editing it can become. I hope you can still keep going, though, to take this even farther. My criticisms are going to feel harsh and lengthy because there's a whole lot of content. I mean, the fact that I planned to edit in segments and instead went all the way is a sentiment to the potential I saw in this story. Regardless, it was quite a lot and I likely missed some things. If there's something more you wanted help on or questions you had, with this story or others, you can always ask me for help again. I hope this was helpful to you in improving your story and writing. Also, I can go into more specific detail like I did with your other story if you'd like. I'd need access to suggestion mode if I were to do that, though. Best of luck to you on your story!
If this is still open can you help me with character development? My main character is good, but I want to convey strength. In the premise, she hasn't seen her parents (the king and queen of Windinberg, the country they rule), for over 19 years.