My heart is beating so fast right now. My stomach keeps flopping and twisting and swimming around my insides. My thoughts are going a million miles an hour. I just want it to STOP. I'm so done with feeling like this. It's immature and stupid. I hate it. I hate being wrong, and if I'm wrong about him, I'll be so wrong. Wrong about how he felt, how I felt, what anything meant. Worse, it will have meant nothing, and I made it into something. I spent all that time in fairy land. I hate fairy land. I want it to go away. I wish I could just not have feelings until I KNEW who I should be with.
I hate that heavy heart feeling. It's not just my heart, it's my whole chest. My throat squeezes up. My head hurts. My stomach feels like lead. My eyes sting, but crying just makes me more of a baby. Hope hurts. And I feel like I'll be let down. I was crushed last time I had given up hope, and nothing bad had even happened—I was smitten, of course. Even my sister agreed he was cute. But Matt decided to talk to me about him… I don't even remember what he said. Probably something true. Something I didn't want to be true.
My spirit had been shattered. I hated myself. I hated him, even though he had done nothing wrong. Except be good. He was too good, that was the problem. Too good, just like my imagination was too good. I wanted them both to leave me alone. I was upset for weeks. I was sullen and cried easily and was constantly berating myself for having emotions. My mom noticed. She asked me what was wrong. I made up something I was sort of upset about, but didn't tell her about him. She knew better. I caved. I cried and tried to explain. She listened, and I was comforted, but I still wished the whole thing had never happened.
I distanced myself from him after that. It hurt my heart just to see his face, and I was destraught to learn that the butterflies had never left. Smothering them only made them flap more frantically, so I focused on school and family and art.
For a time, I forgot about him. Things were peaceful. If someone brought up his name, my heart would skip a beat, but I got good at pretending I didn't care anymore. I would laugh at myself, and his name came up less and less. I think I convinced myself I was over him. Maybe I was. But then I saw him again at a party a few weeks ago.
It was so painful. I felt like I was having a heart attack. He was as funny and dorky and sweet as he had always been from the moment we had met, and it was all I could do to keep the butterflies from flying out of my mouth. I told myself I would keep my distance, and only talk to him if necessary. I could do that much, couldn't I?
We talked the whole time.
I fell asleep that night with a smile on my face. It had been so lovely. I had been nervous to see him again, but once we started talking, it was as though we had never drifted apart. He made me laugh—like he always had. I was smitten all over again. The high lasted about a week. Then I started doubting. Then I started worrying. Then I started hating. This is the cycle. I like him, I'm smitten with him, I think of him all the time, I overthink everything to the point that I doubt he even likes me or if I even like him or if I just like the way he makes me feel and I tie myself all up into knots until I'm sick of myself and I hate everything that brought me to that point.
I'm going to see him this weekend. I don't want to start the cycle over, but I know as soon as I look into his big brown eyes and hear him say my name, my heart is going to trickle down my ribcage.
I don't know if I can do this anymore.
This is actually me writing my feelings. I just needed to rant. :'( Anyone else want to rant about boy drama?