forum A very short story I wrote, feel free to leave a critique!
Started by @Moxie group

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@Moxie group

This is just something that I wrote for my creative writing class and really liked. Let me know what you think!

“Get me out of here.”
“We’re leaving soon, I promise.”
“Jane, I don’t think you understand.”
“Noah, I understand perfectly. I said, we’re leaving soon.”
“He’s looking at me. He’s here and he keeps looking over at me.”
“That’s all though. He’s not going to come over here, I promise.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“He broke up with you. Why would he come over here?”
“Because he’s insane. And an asshole. Coming over here and talking to me like nothing is wrong is exactly the kind of thing he would do. Watch, he’s going to come up to me, here, in this stupid Trader Joes and strike up a conversation. Inevitably, our dating lives would magically come up, and he would take that as an opportunity to tell me about his wonderful new relationship. He would tell me how great things are just to watch me squirm.”
“Wow.” Jane put down the frozen peas in her hand and turned towards Noah. “Your mind is a terrifying place.”
“Terrifying, but accurate.” Noah fidgeted with the red handle of the shopping basket in his hands. Noah’s eyes widened and he shoved Jane through the crowd, knocking the peas out of her hands. “Go, go, go.”
“Hey, what gives?!” Jane asked, reluctantly allowing herself to be pushed by Noah, dodging other shoppers.
“He’s coming towards me, he’s coming towards me.”
“Maybe he just wanted some frozen vegetables.”
“Have you ever looked into a career as a comedian?”
“I did, but I’m not built for the road.”
“Okay.” Noah paused at the end of the isle, leaning against the wooden shelves. “I think we’re safe.”
“Oh my god.” Jane grabbed Noah by the shoulders. “You’ll be okay. You’re over him, you said that you’re over him.”
“I did . . . say that. But did I mean it?”
Jane rolled her eyes so hard they looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets. “Yes. You are. You’ve been on a lot of successful dates since then. You’re literally talking to another guy right now.” Noah sighed and glared, unconvinced. “And I know he hurt you. Maybe more than any of your other exes. And maybe you’re still hurting a little bit. But what are you really afraid of Noah?”
“I . . . I’m afraid of him getting under my skin again. I don’t want him to hurt me anymore than he already has.” Noah fiddled with the basket’s handle again. An old lady walked past them, staring at them strangely. Noah sighed and looked around “What are we doing Jane? I’m having a freak out in Trader Joes and people think I’m crazy.”
“No one thinks you’re crazy.”
“That judgy old lady definitely did.”
“Then stop freaking out dummy.”
Noah shut his eyes and took a deep breath, then opened them. Jane was grinning. “What?”
“Do you want to go find his car and key it?”
Noah snorted and covered his mouth with his hands. “No.” He rolled his shoulders back. “Let’s just finish your list.” He grabbed it from her and looked it over. “Look. I’ll even grab your frozen peas for you.”
"Are you sure?" Jane looked over Noah’s shoulder, down the frozen food isle. "He's still over there."
“Yeah. I need to do this.” Noah handed Jane the basket and walked over to where the frozen peas lay, waiting. He held his head up high and walked past.
Noah stopped and turned, pretending he had only just seen his ex. He slapped on a cheery smile. “Oh hey! Nice to see you!” He grabbed the peas without looking at them. “Bye!” Noah walked away and dumped the peas in the basket Jane was holding. “Let’s go.” Jane smiled. She paused to turn around. Noah’s ex was standing there, his mouth hanging open like a fish. She smiled and flipped him off, then followed Noah towards the cash registers.

@Althalosian-is-the-father book

Okay. One, I’m assuming all that dialogue without tags is on purpose. If so, why? I think if it’s a vibe it isn’t coming in as strongly as it could be. But maybe that’s just me.
Two, it feels… incomplete. If it’s supposed to be wrapping this up it’s doing things too fast imo.
Three, I’d add more description or observation/mind space. Either that or go full into the dialogue thing and have nothing but that until the end maybe.

@Moxie group

One, I was trying to do as much dialogue as possible while still trying to include a few other things
Two, yeahhh I can see that. I need to tweak it a little I think.
Three, I was trying to have a limited narrator that couldn't see into the heads of any characters, which is why there isn't any mind space (I think that's what you meant by that). I should add more description tho

Thank you <3

Deleted user

Awesome! You did good, I still have a broken friendship I need to get over so it's nice to see your characters are able to get over exes. It's realistic too, and I applaud you for that. I write fantasy and I have to say, It's hard for me to write realistic fiction without getting bored, so props to you for that! Also, Jane is awesome. :)