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Started May 07, 2021 by @Dayzed forum

tune

Day 8 Are you happy with the person you've become today? why or why not?

Mostly yes, because so much of that personal work was learning how to be happy. Early in life I had an incapacitating amount of anxiety and depression, and when I figured out where all of it really came from (not only genetic predisposition and brain wiring, but a family legacy of abusive behaviors combined with inequalities in the world) then I got pretty consumed with rage. I regret not having the guidance and support that I needed while much younger, and it would have been best to have always had that and grown up properly—but it's better to have grown out of all the bad stuff eventually (as in, taking at least a decade) than never at all.

If I can come down with a bad flu that leaves me bedridden for fewer than eight times a year, and I don't have some internal thought generator in that situation fill my mind with "useless, worthless, lazy"—which it doesn't anymore—then that's practically a life purpose achieved.

I can be very happy with the mere absence of distress and misery, really.

That said, when I did have an intrepid vision of the future when I was a child, I sure didn't think: "I want to be orphaned, without a university or vocational education, with inessential skills, with moderately compromised executive functioning, and unemployed during a global pandemic and climate crisis in the age of late-stage capitalism and the gig economy." Personal growth by itself doesn't cover the rent, bills and groceries.

I thought I would have the first draft of a full-length novel done and submitted to the slush piles of several prestigious publishing houses before the age of 20. I didn't make it to that reality.

What with the Plague going around and new strains popping up left, right, and center, it's a simple fact that I don't know how much time I have left—or in what unpredictable and undignified ways this lifetime will be permanently terminated.

Still, the main difference between who I want to be and the way I am now are more steps that I haven't taken yet. So, it's slow going, but I'm more optimistic about getting there…compared to the version of me in a parallel dimension probably where I got to go to university, and the global pandemic never happened, and I did publish a novel by the age of 20 and still managed to be anxious and depressed about it like I Guess I Live Here Now. In the homeworld version of what happened instead, at least there's still the potential to become a little more happy with myself tomorrow.

Day 7
" What's the most unforgivable thing someone could ever do to you? "

Use me. That's just the simplest way I can put it. I'm a headstrong, independent, stubborn-ass human being and just the mere thought of someone messing with me just sets my nerves on fire. I need to be my own person. I just- I can't even bear the thought of falling into line and being just like everyone else. If someone consciously manipulates me and uses me as a pawn for their own plans just makes me want to scream. I am not an object, and I don't belong to anyone. I am a human being who makes my own choices and has my own life that nobody, and I mean nobody, should mess with or even be in.

Day 8
" Are you happy with the person you've become today? why or why not? "

This is a hard one because I've never had expectations for myself. It might sound depressing but a philosophy I live by is "if you walk into something without expectations, it's impossible to be disappointed." The thing is, I've never really had an idea of who I've wanted to be, so I don't really know if I should be happy with who I am or not. Sure, there are ways that make me go "agh, why did I do that?" or "maybe I could've done this differently," but the past is the past, and there's no point on dwelling on it. What's done is done and I can't wallow in self-pity or loathing because there's no way to change it. There's really no point in not being happy with myself because I know that there's no way to go back and change it, only make a plan on how to do better in the future.

Day 9
“ What’s something you could have told your younger self? “

Day 9
“ What’s something you could have told your younger self? “

"Don't care about what other people think".
I don't think I need to explain this one so elaborately. I've spent too many days of my thinking "but what will they think of me?" but now I know that it's not that important. I can walk through my city with my friends wearing the craziest clothes we could find and I wouldn't care about others as long as they don't offend me directly. I wish I had that confidence a few years ago.

Just wanted to say, I'm appreciating everybody's well-written and insightful responses!

Day 9 “ What’s something you could have told your younger self? “

Remember how at the end of The Amber Spyglass there was this big thing about "what you knew by grace that now you've lost, you can regain by study"? You can't study harder to keep it, but you're not going to have your sharp working memory and writing poetry you're proud of skills for long. So, I know that you think you need to tidy up after yourself because you're planning to go…but, uh, that's actually not going to happen no matter how many times you try. You're literally losing your mind. Don't throw away your notebooks full of novel outlines and poems that you're actually proud of. You won't actually remember them, because your sharp memory is shutting down in self-defense, and it's not coming back as sharp as you're used to it being. You probably won't believe anything else I tell you about how there's an other side to this heckscape you're going through, as in, it will pass and you will get better…but just…don't… throw…all your notebooks…away…

Day 10
" What's a moment that changed your life? Was it for the better or the worse? "

Day 10
" What's a moment that changed your life? Was it for the better or the worse? "

the most life changing moment for me was almost 10 years ago, and I still remember it so clearly. my friend and I were thinking about how to name our newest childhood game. I came up with a name so good, that we both immediately agreed on it. I thought "wow this almost sounds like a title of a book or something" and from this day on my passion for writing started growing. I started to write down the stories we were playing, and this is how I became a writer. I wouldn't be here if not for my friend and our game. I would be a completely different person.

Day 10
" What's a moment that changed your life? Was it for the better or the worse? "

I think when I came out/telling people I like girls, though it distanced me from my old friends, it showed me that they were not really my friends in the first place, considering they didn't accept me for who I am. Its made me a lot of new friends, having a thing to bond with other LGBT members over, but it has also cause a lot of new great pain, considering my stepmom, that I live with, is homophobic. So determining if it was for better or worse, I would say better, its made me feel alot better about myself.

Day 11
" What do you see yourself doing in 10 years? "

Day 11 " What do you see yourself doing in 10 years? "

I'd have finished the vocational courses I wanted to take in business management and accounting, and at least have started my own publishing house with an art collective style approach to content creation. Every writer in my employ will get three months off a year to work on their passion project that won't be affiliated with the cash-grabby entertainment side of the publishing house, it'll be a rule: don't give me your creative "babies", we're writing to make the money to fund your vacations at which you'll be really writing.

I just wanna be a cornerstone of financial security. (So apparently I'll place a startup-capital sized bet on reading still being a lucrative form of entertainment in 2031. In the science fiction, fantasy, and horror genres. Nobody insert the clown emoji all up in my dreams just yet, it could happen…)

Day 11
" What do you see yourself doing in 10 years? "

no don't do this to me I'm so bad at imagining the future
I hope I'll be a happy writer with a dog on my lap writing another book and I'll have enough money to buy what I would consider useful. that's it. I don't have high expectations.

Day 11
" What do you see yourself doing in 10 years? "

I dont know honestly, hopefully doing something I enjoy, and being with people that love me for who I am, I want to have some fun though, due to my parents taking away that chance, everytime they can. So I hope I go to some parties and stuff, so yeah theres that.

Day 12
" If you had to choose one beautiful thing about life what would it be? "

Day 12
" If you had to choose one beautiful thing about life what would it be? "

seeing the weather change. from a cloudless night to a hazy evening. from rain to sun and then to snow. watching the outlines of clouds moving slowly on the gray sky. dense mists, strong winds, the hot sun. I admire the weather. its indifference toward humans. it rules by its own laws, and doesn't care if it destroys something. it lives only for itself. the weather will always be beautiful, even if sometimes dangerous and deadly.

Day 12
" If you had to choose one beautiful thing about life what would it be? "

I would say watching people change, watching a child laugh or someone rid of their old ways, its a great process to watch, it can be a long process, but a magic one.

Day 13
" What's something you could do forever and never get bored of it? "

Day 13
" What's something you could do forever and never get bored of it? "

hugging with my dog. he's so fluffy and soft and warm and I could spend the rest of my life with him. and if I could do it forever I think that the time would stop and we would stay like this for eternity and neither of us would die. that would be perfect.

Day 13
" What's something you could do forever and never get bored of it? "

I think I would say, imagine, either myself in a show/movie/fandom ,scenery from a book or my own worlds, I love imagining anything I can.

Day 14
" If you could visit the past or the future where would you want to go? "

Day 14
" If you could visit the past or the future where would you want to go? "

I honestly don't know. I have no intent to relive my old cringey memories, and I don't want to see the future before it comes - if I knew what unpleasant things will come, I'd live the rest of my life in fear. but if I could go back in time just for a day or two, and then wake up here, in the present, I'd like to return to one memorable summer, and sing once more.

Day 14
" If you could visit the past or the future where would you want to go? "

I would visit the future. That is, assuming the future is merely a reflection of current trajectory and not some inescapable fate.
The past was kinda sucky. I haven't always been a good person, or a happy person. Some of my experiences growing up have damaged me. But they have brought me to where I am today, and I'm pretty happy with that now.
I would also like to know what the future looks like if I continue my current path. Do I need to change something? Where do I risk going wrong?

Day 14
" If you could visit the past or the future where would you want to go? "

I think I would visit the future, to see how my life is once I've moved out, to answer all the questions I have such as
am I happy? can I finally be myself? and what not, I think it would be wonderful to see myself thrive as a person once im out of my household.

Day 12 " If you had to choose one beautiful thing about life what would it be? "

Nontoxic fandoms where fandom piblings (gender-neutral form of aunts and uncles, compare 'nibling' for niece or nephew—although now I'm thinking "aunticle" or "untcle" is more sonorous) challenge and encourage new fanfiction writers to focus on writing something positive rather than least-favorite-character-bashing, and bringing peace and (more importantly) respect between fans engaged in shipper wars…which actually doesn't correct as much injustice in the world as it usually feels like. And there's respect for different approaches and headcanons of fictional characters without taking somebody else's relationship to something in a fictional work as a personal offense or personal threat.

Day 13 " What's something you could do forever and never get bored of it? "

Eternity is a long time and I get distressed when I'm bored (even when I can find routines very comforting), so probably nothing. Maybe the time between getting out of a swimming pool and eating a frozen chocolate pudding bar while wrapped in a towel…but, then my anxiety made me think a shark was in the pool even when I knew there wasn't and I still wanted to swim and enjoyed swimming. But before that kicked in and ruined my enjoying life in a way nobody could really do anything about, it's a fond childhood memory I have.

Day 14 " If you could visit the past or the future where would you want to go? "

I'd set up a new home base in the 1990s between the end of the Cold War and the start of the Afghanistan Wars, because that's a generally happy time, and from there probably travel to prehistoric societies all over the world. I'll do my best not to violate the temporal equivalent of the Prime Directive while I do.

As for the future beyond 2021, I don't know enough about that to mark anything over there as a must-see.

Day 15
" What is something you wish you could experience? "

Day 15
" What is something you wish you could experience? "

most definitely pride. My parents are homophobic and think being queer is a trend nowadays, though me being out to them brings me homophobic jokes, making fun of me for being masculine (little do they know i'm also genderfluid >:) hehe) and just overall personal attacks related to my queer identity.

I had/have always seen pictures taken at big pride events, and everyone looks like they're genuinely enjoying themselves, and I just really want to know what that feels like, to be with people like you, who accept you, and love you for who you are, even though you're a complete stranger. Its just something I crave to do once in my life.