Can someone read and give me feedback over something I wrote

Started by @Stroylia-Knight
Followed by: 59 users

@spoopy-season

Okay so I just have a couple notes:

  • Right off the bat you use 'omg'. In writing you don't usually want to use abbreviations like that. If she literally says "OMG" and not "Oh my God," make sure you capitalize OMG.
  • You have a lot of excessive ………………………. Usually just a regular "…" will do the trick and it looks much better visually.
  • There's a lot of excessive stammering which can break up the flow of the story. Usually just a little bit like "y-you" instead of "y-y-y-y-y-y-you" and it just sounds more realistic.
  • The character interactions seem… unrealistic. Maybe try to add things like [he scoffs] to give the characters more depth and help readers visualize it more. I understand that it's an audio recording, but try to at least include things like if the chair squeaks on the ground, or if Dr. Rod shuffles her papers or if one of them laughs or scoffs. Just something to help people get a better picture.
  • There are just some punctuation and capitalization errors throughout the doc. Just make sure that sentences start with a capital letter and end with punctuation and make sure that you put your commas in correct positions.

Hope I helped! :D

@Stroylia-Knight

@AAAAAGGGHH-MJ-MIGHT-BE-AN-ARSONIST Yes it did, Thank you. I just wanted to make sure. Thank you again

@stressed-sock

I think it's not too bad. However, the stuttering could use some work. I don't think most people stutter like that - rather, people usually repeat words or fill pauses with fillers like "um", "er", maybe laughter, clearing of throats, etc. Aside from that, there's not much else imo

@NijiT

This is just advice if you're giving your characters a stutter in the actual writing of the book/story (not as a recording, so this doesn't directly apply) an even more fancy, professional way of doing that is writing out what they say with just a few added letters, or even not doing added letters, and then after (or even before) the character says what they need to, instead of writing 'said' or 'says' write 'stutters', which gives the book/story a bit more depth and variety. And this can be applied to anything at all, too, not just stuttering. For example:

"W-well I guess I can figure something out." She stuttered out, backing away warily.

Or: "We are not done, Sidious." He hissed through clenched teeth.

And finally: Stressed out of their mind, they impatiently grind out, "Get out of my way, ingrate!"

@NijiT

Sorry if that sounds a bit too instructive, or if it's common sense you already knew. It's just advice that I personally found helpful as well.

@Hey_Its_Snowy_And_Im_Generally_Confused

Something about the way they’re speaking feels wrong? I don’t really know what it is, though. I rewrote some of the dialogue in what I feel like is a more realistic style to perhaps give you an idea of what I mean when I say this.

D: Hello, I’m Dr. Sarah Steenrod, but you could call me Rod if you’d like. I’m looking forward to getting to know more about you. To be frank, this is my first time doing an interview with someone, so go easy on me. laughs Alright, to start off, tell me your name.

T: It’s Tito. pause Tito De Calamari.

D: De Calamari-

T: (cutting her off) Say, doc, your skin looks absolutely delicious. What product do you use on it?

D: (stammering) I-, you’re of the Calamari family?

T: The one and only. You alright there Dr. Rod? You seem, pause shaken.

D: No, no, I’m fine. Just a bit, err, surprised to be speaking t-to The Wendigo.

T: Nothing to worry about. I don’t bite. winks

D: nervously laughs Right then, I suppose we should get on with the interview.

T: Go ahead.

D: clears throat So to start us off, what’s your favorite color?